Last week on Celebrity Mole Yucatan: Angie chases chickens. Mark escapes Spanish wrestlers. Mark throws up a burrito. And Stephen was executed, joining Corbin and Ananda.
The episode begins in the usual way. All the players sitting around in suspiciously black rooms, jabbering about who they think is the Mole. Keshia talks about how moley Tracey is, and then she hiccups. What a landmark. First hiccup of the season, people. Possibly of all the seasons...
As I ponder this, Tracey decides that she will talk about her new dress for two minutes. Yes, you've got that great Jan Brady look going on, Tracey. If this is ABC's attempt to make Tracey look moley, they missed their mark. Moles don't wear dresses.
Meanwhile, Angie gripes about skinny dipping again, in her usual Sassy Redhead style. I'm so sick of this. That quiz she took in episode one must have been really traumatic for her.
Subtitle: I will be here for the duration of the game, because I am determined and because I signed a five episode contract.
Mark has a brilliant new strategy. He is going to intentionally throw some of the games, so other people will think he’s the mole! WOW! Even the mole’s gonna think he’s the mole. I mean, ohmygosh. This is the most brilliant new strategy in Mole history.
So anyhoo, it's time for the first game!
Game One: Tequila Shooters Perspective: TraceyFOMO Objective: Using a tray, each player must transfer bottles of suspiciously gold Tequila to Ahmad, by walking across a skinny plank built by Erik von Detten out of quarters. Number of Bottles: 40 (Ahmad has a high tolerance for gold Tequila) Gold Tequila Worth: $500 per gold bottle delivered Total Money Possible: $20,000 (for those of you who enjoy multiplication) Number of Feet Participating In This Contest: 5 * 2 = 10 feet. Watching an Episode of Celebrity Mole: Priceless
But Ahmad has a trick up his sleeeve. They must cross the plank, while being pelted with green dodgeballs. Yes, Angie, he did use the word pelted, so stop asking. The Big, Impressive Twist That We Knew About Since Episode One is that the three previous executees are throwing the balls. And whatever amount of money that doesn't go in the pot, the executees get to split.
Here they come! It's cabana boy Stephen Ballwin, and he brought the rest of the Outcast Tribe with him. Sigh. This is getting old. Stephen proclaims, "We are the executioners!!!" Please, Stephen, take my advice last year. Go back to Fear Factor, and out of my summaries.
Corbin meanwhile moons the team, and receives an exemption from Ahmad. Angie throws a brick, shattering Ahmad's head into tiny golden pieces.
(OK, so she didn't throw a brick, but Corbin did moon the camera)
Anyway, they start the game. The team is doing badly. They're just getting pelted continuously with these dodgeballs. Especially Tracey. Even when she drops her gold Tequila, Stephen still hits her. After five brutal minutes, she finally succeeds in transferring a gold bottle, and the team scores $500.
For some reason only known to God and ABC, "Mary Had A Little Lamb" starts playing again. And then later, a clever rip-off of "The Chicken Dance" plays.
*clap clap clap clap*
Clap to the music, people!
The team is starting to do better. They've been getting quite a few gold bottles across now. Even Angie, who's going for the Kathy Griffin look today, has decided to earn money. Mark, on the other hand, is still looking like a player who's trying to be the mole.
Stephen hits Tracey again in the head, and she goes into the water. After watching numerous replays of this Emmy winning shot, the game is finally over when Dennis delivers one last gold bottle. Ahmad reads off the score. The executees win. Words can't hide my apathy.
Tequila Shooters Results Total Money Possible: $20,000 Money Earned by Team: $6,000 Money Earned by Executees: $14,000 (for those of you who enjoy subtraction) Money Earned by Ahmad: $0,000
Ahmad then informs the contestants that they have a chance to double their meager winnings into a less meager sum. Although ABC.com doesn't consider this a separate game, I do, so we need some more Happy Fun Stats.
Game Two: Looky Looky, Eat a Worm Perspective: DennisFOMO Objective: Eat four small worms at the bottom of the Tequila bottles. Each member must eat one. Money Possible: $6,000 Ahmad's Blood Alcohol Content: .10 Funny Little Quote Right Here: "It takes two to lie; one to lie and one to listen" -Homer J. Simpson
Truthfully, this game about worms is chock full of Dennis Rodman clues.
I mean, look at Dennis' name... Dennis Rodman. There are lots of men in this game. Ahmad is a man. Mark is a man. Even Dennis is a man. Coincidence? I don't think so. Even Dana, from Big Brother, is a mantroll, for instance. Dennis has to be the mole!
All the players have to do is eat the four worms at the bottom of the Tequila bottles. Unfortunately for the team, because Mark is such a wimpy man and didn't get any bottles, he doesn't have to participate. Tracey, in a confessional, tells us that she was worried about having to eat anything gross. Keshia and Angie, by their unmanly whining and screams, agree with her. The women pass their worms to Dennis "The Man" Rodman, who agrees to eat them for the lovely ladies.
Truthfully, this part was really lame. The worms were tiny little things, and the man ate them pretty slowly and methodically. The girls are just so happy, man.
Looky Looky, Eat a Worm Results Money Earned: $6,000 Total Pot: $105,000 Percentage of Stoners Who Laugh At "Total Pot": 86%
So, the happy team joins Ahmad to go have some drinks. Angie, in a confessional, says that she thinks that Mark is trying too hard to be the Mole. Tracey finds it suspicious that Dennis never takes any notes. Mark thinks that no one would suspect Tracey because she's Carol Seaver, a good girl.
Mark, after all that hard work, proclaims that someone has to get nekkid during this episode. Before Angie gets a chance to gripe about the Episode One exemption again, Mark does his rendition of a porno advertisement. Presented by "Give It Hell" Productions... Keshia's Thong. Keshia Gone Wild...
Keshia doesn't look too excited. I'm sorry, Mark, but you don't exist in Keshia's porno world. Mmmmmkay?
With that, we cut to a commercial. Did you know that ABC is having Super Millionaire? With $10,000,000 on the line? Hosted by Ahmad probably... Oh yeah, ABC is also airing "Notting Hill" against the Super Bowl, appealing to all you Hugh Grant fanatics. You know who you are.