Who is the Mole? Well, Jesus knows, but good luck getting any information from HIM! Forget watching the show - stick with the summaries and use that extra hour for church, ya heathen! (End religious jokes.)
So the fifth week starts up, and the wetness in my pants reassures me that my cycle is doing fine, and I don't have to call Patrick with any "news." Anderson gives his usual introduction, telling us to look for the clue to the Mole's identity as well as for the secret pee-pee spot in his pants. Don't be so eager to put it away, Coop! A few seconds of shaking saves a few minutes under the hand dryer. (End bathroom humor.)
We start with some testicularmoanials: Darwin, freshly shaved and looking for trouble, reveals his desire to expose himself to the outside world. Ol' beaver-toothed and vortex-nostrilled Al gives us puppy-dog eyes and talks about how not seeing his wife is "wearing him down." They don't sell lotion in Italy, boss? (End sexual innudendo.)
Admiral Bill says he had apprehensions about leaving his sick mother to come here, but that she was very excited about President Garfield coming to speak at the Daughters of the Revolution meeting. Heather, who is apparently interviewed on some planet with a lime-green sun, says she wants to go home, but she also wants to win real, real bad. Can you taste the irony? (THE SMARTEST show on TV, folks! da-da-dum) The team is awarded $1.49 for winning the Whiny Little Bîtch challenge.
Anderson asks for 7 volunteers for a game: 3 runners, 3 swimmers, and a talker. Al volunteers to be the talker, but Darwin says he's had enough of Al being top-man and that he thinks Katie should get some push time. Heather, Myra, and Al are left behind, and we are treated to Al walking around saying "I'm a tool. I'm a tool. Tool, tool, tool, I'm the world's biggest tool." Myra and Heather nod in agreement.
Anderson reveals the rules of the game: 3 runners will try to find answers to questions, which are read over a phone by the talker, who is to put the answers, parts of which must be subsequently unscrambled, onto a magnetic board with cute green letters, before all three swimmers, one of whom will be given a weight every 5 minutes, stop treading water. Got it? Well, I don't care.
Elavia, Rob, and Dorothy, all of whom have the exact same waist size, decide to run. Darwin, Bribs, and Bill decide to do the swimming. Because Katie is there, they leave their trunks on. A quick game of nipple-twister-Marco-Polo passes the time while the runners are bused to the city.
Katie gets the first question and reads it: "Next to the Tempio San Lorenzo, there is a statue of a poet. What is his name?" We see then see Bill take the first weight. Let me mention here that the repeated underwater shots of those pale fat legs flailing in the water made me just a wee bit tingly. We see Rob get a little lost because the map was "upside down", and because, well, blondes always get lost, before he runs face-first into the statue. "Giacomo Zanella," Rob says out loud. "Giacomo Zanella!" yells back a beer-lifting crowd of Italians.
He runs backs to Elavia and Dorothy, who may as well be strung out on opium and eating grapes for all their excitement, to give Katie a misspelled answer. Katie misspells his misspelling, but Darwin straightens it all out. Did I mention that Bill has tuckered out by this time? He spends the rest of the game sprawled out on the deck like a morbidly obese Cleopatra, sipping water with his reptilian tongue. Dorothy reacts to the news of Bill's early retirement as if someone had told her the surf was way down today. Like, whoa, bummer.
Katie reads the next question: "Directly behind the Arco del Scaletti, how many stairs lead up to the top of the hill?" She then asks Darwin how he managed to correct the misspelling. "Because I am the Mole!" he proclaims. (Seriously, Mr. D, nobody cares.) He and Bribs, who apparently expect as much out of Dorothy as her dishonored parents, go ahead and try to figure out the answer based on the fact that it is a number. Cut to Dorothy asking 3 people for directions, before the artist's aneurysm pops and she paints Historic Vicenza with a thick coat of puke.
By this time, Darwin has 6 one-pound weights and stops treading. Pussy. Now Bribs is their only hope-on-a-rope. Or whatever. They finally figure out the answer: "one hundred eighty-three." Now that Dorothy is no longer necessary, the schlep-in-a-sling reads the next question: "Which famous author's tomb lies in the Tempio deSanta Corona?" Elavia does her very worst FloJo impression, flapping her arms like a disabled penguin, in a sad but funny attempt to reach the answer. Bribs now has four weights around his neck, as well as one secured to each nipple.
Elavia arrives at her destination, and asks a man (who is not Italian) in Italian (which she does not speak) who is buried inside. He gives the answer: "Luigi DaPorto". Elavia gives the answer (misspelled) back to Katie. Before I can finish rolling my eyes, Bribs starts conjugating with himself, and they fix up the mistake. Goooooo, Team!
Now that everything is super-duper, Katie has to reach into the special boxes and un-scramble the contents to make the answer to the last question. "Their love was sealed with a righteous kiss - answer in Italian." Bribs chokes out "Romeo and Juliet" between lungfuls of chlorine and insect parts. Katie, who has failed to spot the g (no g-spot...I know, I promised) in one of her boxes, can't figure out the scrambler. Good thing she doesn't teach a romance language. Bribs finally touches down, and the team loses out on the $20,000.
Bill, Darwin, and Bribs mention that Katie's screw-up is very suspicious. Meanwhile, we the viewers are encouraged to wonder why we didn't get that digital cable package while the summer specials were still good. Katie passes up the opportunity to go a whole day without crying about her own worthlessness.
After Dorothy has been scraped off the sidewalk, all three runners return to hear the news of their group failure. They all pretend to listen to Anderson go on and on and on about Luigi DaPorto was the original author of Romeo and Juliet and William Shakespeare was a scoundrel, blah, blah, blah. Now we really have something to think about during the commercials.
We come back to Al, who is still bitching about Darwin. Fade to Al and Darwin having a "shouting" match over the decision to leave Al behind. It's like watching two potatoes fight over a lemon. Bill, doe-eyed, lip trembling, unable to even cry, watches the two people he loves the most tear into each other. Finally, they shake and "make up". Oh, thank goodness - I couldn't take any more screaming! Think of the children!
After this domestic horror has been put to rest, the group walks up to the Mystery Machine, only to see that the Pirate Ghost has left a message in magnetic letters. Hey, Shaggy! What happened to the g's? Darwin cracks a funny at Katie's expense. Oh, it's a joke! OK, we're down with jokes.
The gang decides to split up - Fred and Daphne check out the attic, while Al, Myra, and Heather go down to the cellar. Jenkies! The three of them are put in cages and told they have 3 hours to escape. The key is wrapped around the only light bulb in the room, hanging in the dead center. With a snort and a roar, Myra breaks her cot over her knee, while Al lies on the ground, weeping and rocking gently. Oh, yeah, if they don't escape in time, they don 't get to talk to their "loved ones." As if anyone could love this incompetent pack of monkeys. Heather takes off her shoes, and everyone loses 3 hit points due to noxious gas. Myra rolls a 19 and successfully retrieves the slingshot from the wall.
Oops, they discover the slingshot is just a prop! I guess the cages don't count as props. Or the Molerons, for that matter. Heather throws her shoe, shoelaces attached, into the basket under the light. They all lay their blankets on the floor to prepare for the inevitable post-escape orgy.
This game comes to a teeth-grinding climax with Al and Heather throwing pebbles at the light bulb. I'm on the edge of my seat, people. Hooray, it breaks! Al's nostrils flare softly in the darkness. Heather reels in the key with her Holy Footwear of Item Retrieval +4. Hooray, Heather escapes! Run, run, run while you can!
No such luck. Anderson places his hands firmly on Heather's breasts and tells her that if she leaves the other two and sleeps with him right now, she will be rewarded with an exemption. Heather pushes his hands away from her heart of gold and frees her oppressed brother and sister. They call her selfless and noble and wonderful and everyone gets a hug - except that Cooper pervert. The team gets $40,000 for "winning" the "challenge."
Ah, my favorite part of every episode: watching the creatures feed. Between fistfuls of gruel, they all clap for Heather, clap for the money, and clap for the chance to talk to their moronic families. We eavesdrop on just enough of each phone-home to bore us to tears. Bill gets mixed information about his mother: "the good news is that she's still alive; the bad news is that she's sustaining herself by feasting on the souls of the virtuous."
Fade to Bribs and Darwin forming a "coalition" and exchanging information about their previous quiz answers. They talk about their coalition, and how excited they are to have a special secret club that nobody else can ever never join with a secret knock and a treehouse and everything!
Back to another feeding scene: lunch in the garden. Rob shows everyone a card trick, which results in Anderson beating the hell out of him. It truly is the best trick ever. The Molerons all toast the quiz, and then it is truth-or-death time.
We see each question flash up on the screen one by one, along with a little voice-over about someone's suspicions about someone ........ "I think Elavia ate my doughnut." ....... "I like Bill, but he always has his zipper down."
The questions are difficult this time, including such brain-twisters as:
"What can I do to make the Mole like me?"
"Does the Mole look fat today?"
"Have you seen the Mole's car keys?"
Execution time. Anderson types their names into his laptop, which along with she-male porn pages and "Mother Goose's Learning Game", has Microsoft Red Thumb/Green Thumb XP installed. Dorothy, Katie, Al, Bribs, and Heather all survive. Congratulations, Rob! Your time in the Mole Pit is over; go home to re-bleach your hair, sell dime bags of coke, and saw hapless assistants in half.
Rob reveals that he has no idea who the Mole is, and while "highlights of his life" play, everyone says a little bit about how he was a super fellow and he will be super missed and blah blah blah. Finally, I can get up and pee! Only 7 more weeks until I can turn my full attention to Frasier re-runs.