Once again, I'm back with the MoleLesters during the second season. But this time something has changed. What’s that word? Oh, yeah – CONTINUITY. Apparently, the producers of The Mole have hired someone who knows the meaning of the word. No sudden moves halfway around the world for no reason whatsoever this time (well, at least not yet). The show actually makes sense so far. Amazing.
When we join our favorite panic-stricken losers, they are busy bemoaning the fate of their beloved luggage, which was torched at the end of the last episode. Katie reveals that her cow is named Stud Muffin … oh wait, that’s her fantasy … uh, Steely Dan (for those of you who don’t know the origin of that name, follow this link and look it up in the dictionary) … no, uh, Metal Muffin, yeah, right. Heather is even more upset about losing her Bible. Geez, can’t she get one at any motel in the world? Oh, wait, she’s not that kind of girl. But why not? She’s a Texan, isn’t she?
After that stimulating tribute to the recently departed (no, not Bob), SuperCooper tells the Moleys that they stink. Well, so does The Mole 2. Coopy, you ain’t no bed of roses yourself.
Coopy says that the show is going to “give” the MoleLesters new clothes. Yeah, right, like I’d trust those clowns after they roasted my bags. But these MoleBots play along with it. Are they staying at one of those Swiss spas with lithium in the water?
To get these wonderful free clothes, the team needs to pick three leaders: two women with fashion sense and a man without it. Since none of these Mo(le)rons have ANY sense, the players ask if they have to forfeit. But SupeCoop lets them pick the best they’ve got, and so they end up with Dorothy and Elavia. The man in need of help is ol’ Admiral Billy. But this isn’t the lead-in to a threesome and a Nelson Rockefeller moment. Anyone else remember Megan Marshack? Hey, I found this reference to her in ET Online:
“Like JFK, former Vice President and New York Governor NELSON ROCKEFELLER's fortune began with his grandfather, JOHN ROCKEFELLER -- at one time America's richest man. One interesting mention in Nelson's will is a woman named MEGAN MARSHACK, the assistant who was with him the night he died. 'She is indirectly a beneficiary under his will by virtue of the fact that he forgave the debt she owed him,' says Nass.”
Now, speaking for myself, I think Megan had to pay plenty for whatever she borrowed from old Tubby. In fact, I think she was in the process of paying the hard way when Nelson went to meet his Maker. But enough about getting stiff ...
All this trio gets to do is match clothes. SupeCoop tells them that this is a challenge called Lotto Clothes. The leaders have to select “appropriate” outfits for each of the MoleLesters and send them to the "hard-to-find" train station in the village (yeah, like it's hard to follow the train tracks) to catch the 4:35 to St. Moritz. Each player who keeps his or her costume on for the whole trip wins $2,000 for the jackpot, which currently stands at $60K; if any of the players miss the train, all winnings are forfeited. (Don’t worry; ABC has no intention of letting these people actually make any money. The whole point of The Mole 2 is to show that people will humiliate themselves for the mere illusion of money.)
The problem is, the clothes are basically only women’s clothes – but the mini-Moles persevere with their chore. Thus, we get to see the nausea-inducing scene of Patrick wearing a Speedo (guaranteed to reduce ABC's ratings to UPN levels), Bribs wearing a pink teddy, Darwin wearing a bunny suit, Rob dressed in a bovine look, and Al wearing lingerie. Al takes his time before deciding to get dressed, apparently embarrassed by the prospect that all of America will find out that wearing lingerie turns him on. Meanwhile, the women wear silly but not gender-inappropriate outfits, although Heather kicks up such a fuss about wearing an apron (over her regular clothes, no less!) that you begin to realize that the reason she complained so much about her burned Bible is because she’s a spoiled brat, not because of the Bible itself. Now, if she’d had to dress like Megan Marshack when she was alone with Nelson “Rockefeeler”, the ratings for this show might have hit the ceiling. But no such luck.
Meanwhile, SupeCoop has one last surprise for the leaders. If they all agree to dress up as well, then the winnings (if any) will be doubled. However, when Admiral Billy sees the costume that Supe brings out (a baby suit, with diaper, pacifier, bib and bonnet), he flat-out refuses to participate. Billy claims that he owes the Navy too much to embarrass it that way. What, is he in debt to the Navy? Like Megan Marshack was in debt? Just what kind of antics is he engaging in to pay back his debt? The mind boggles at the thought. Anyway, no doubling of the pot – but the other team leaders are far too dim to wonder if this is a clue that Billy just might be the Mole. Maybe they’re too bored to care. Must be those lithium fountains again.
Less than two hours later, all the team members have arrived at the train station except for “Bribs” (not the Mole) and Ali. Less than half an hour before the train leaves, and still no Bribs and Ali, so Admiral Billy and Lisa-X go looking for the missing players. Surprise! They find Bribs and Ali headed to the train station; apparently Bribs was looking for an appropriate bar to show off his pink teddy but couldn’t find any rainbow flags, so he just went into one at random and had a few local brews with Ali. The next thing we know, all FOUR of them are back in a bar quaffing another brew. Could you safely conclude that ONLY the Mole would have thought this was a good idea, so either Lisa-X or Admiral Billy must be the Mole? I knew that you could.
Anyway, with less than 15 minutes before departure, the four winos stagger back to the train station. Bribs and Ali tell the waiting MoleLesters that they’ve been offered an exemption in exchange for not getting on the train, and they’ve taken it. Darwin throws a bunny fit and hops around angrily. Since it’s hard to look too menacing in a bunny suit with glasses and a foppish mustache, Darwin rips off his bunny ears. Now he just looks like himself: a big goof. Then Bribs and Ali yell out, “Psych!” They could have been describing each other if they hadn’t left off the “o.” Really.
So, now that Bribs and Ali have made themselves as popular among their fellow MoleBots with their little joke as Osama bin Laden would be at Yankee Stadium, the train chugs toward St. Moritz. We are treated to several angry reaction shots from Bribs' and Ali's ex-friends while the “beautiful” Swiss scenery passes by. Great for a travelogue, but just a teensy bit dull. C’mon guys, if this is the best footage you’ve got, it’s going to be a loooong season.