Last week on Survivor, we discovered that the only thing that endangers your survival more than being a universally despised, outsider, beyotch is to tell peeps that you’re homesick for mashies. Yup. After agreeing that Cristina must go – and after publicly calling her a PITA at tribal council – Raro near-unanimously votes out Stephannie, who picks up her contract as the new spokesperson for The National Potato Association on her way out of camp. If you missed all the fun, read Frisky’s snark filled recrap here
”Hey, Mark? Y’know this isn’t working out quite like we intended.”
”I know, Jeff. The whole racial thing’s bombing. I expected everyone would be loyal to “their kind”, y’know? But, heck, some of these people don’t even seem to identify with their own culture. And, I really thought the whole hidden immunity idol was a great twist. Who could’ve guessed that it’d be found by some guy who’s not even a target? I mean, twice that happens?”
”Yeah. Not to mention that his team keeps winning. It’s becoming a non-issue. Again. And, what’s with these people that no one’s taking off their clothes for the camera, or pairing off? I mean, the girls are comparing armpit hair for Gawds sake. Ewwww. Don’t they know they’re supposed to be acting sexy - taking their clothes off, and giving each other baths? Stuff like that? We gotta do something.”
*sigh* “Yeah. But, what can we do?” ”Hmmm… Well, we could cheat. Except, well, it wouldn’t really be cheating, because it’s our game. Our rules. Who says only losers have to go to tribal council? How ‘bout if we make the winners exile somebody? At least that would get the hidden immunity into play.
”Hmmm… That could work. But, what if Aitu decides to throw the challenge and loses for a change? We’d look like idiots. I know! How about we make both teams go to tribal council? No matter what.”
”I like it! But, we’ve gotta spring it on ‘em as a surprise. No one will see it coming. Not even the viewers. This’ll be the biggest thing on RTV since Trump crammed 4 DAWs into a cab.”
Yeah! Ratings’ll shoot sky high if we pull a stunt like that. Viewers won’t know what to expect next. It’ll be just like old times!” *runs from room calling over shoulder* “I gotta get with the crew to set up the promo’s. This’ll be great!”
”Mark?… Mark!… MARK!!!! IT’S SUPposed to be a surpri… Oh, forget it…”
*Roll promo* “Tonight on Survivor – Cook Island, TWO people will be voted off the island when BOTH tribes are sent to tribal council!” *headshake* “Well, it was a good idea…” *headshake*
We open where we knew we would, back at camp Ruh-roh (hope you don’t mind, Frisky) where, surprise?!? the beyotch is beyotching about being called a beyotch. Who’d’a thunk! I mean, since they didn’t vote her off she should be grateful and just let it pass, shouldn’t she? Who needs to apologize? Not Adam. He just tells it like it is, and everyone agrees with him (well, except for Cristina, of course). ‘Cause he’s the leader, and that’s what leaders do. If it makes anyone else on the tribe uncomfortable? Tough.
We leave Christina to pick the shot out of her hide from her second round of attitude adjustment assassination, to join A-tChew (*gesundheit*) where Cowboy, having left his boo bankie behind, is bonding with the immunity idol. *sing along* He loves it. It loves him. It’s too bad that he’s so dim…
He wants to take the idol everywhere with him. Even to the reward challenges, where they don’t need it. He can’t leave it behind. It gives him strength. He’s a Priest, and this is his idol. Mr. Alda thinks that, after going through one of Cowboy’s bonding rituals the idol might resent them and give strength to Ruh-roh, instead. He wants it left behind, even though Cowboy says he’ll carry it. (Well, yeah! If it’s coming along, heck yes Cowboy’s carrying it! Gawd knows what he did with that thing in the name of bonding. *shudder*) Cowboy finally relents, and leaves it behind, carrying only its memory, alongside the memory of the Sacred Boo Bankie.
”Psst… Hey, Jeff!”
”Yeah? What do you want?
”Um… I’m, um, sorry about that surprise thing...”
”Yeah. Well, I’ve been working on some stuff. I think maybe what I’ve set up as a challenge might help out. We might get lucky and see some skin. Or, maybe we’ll have another medical evacuation, at least.”
”Oh, yeah?!? Cool!!! Whatcha got planned?”
”Yeah. Right. Like I’m telling you”. *walks off*
Both teams, along with Cowboy’s new little friend, assemble at the challenge site, a sand pit with masts planted upright in the sand. (Hey. Cool! Maybe they’re gonna tie the island’s name into the challenge. Stake the DAWs in the sun and see which one takes the longest to cook. I’d like mine medium-rare, please. And, a side of Stephannie’s mashies, please.)
(Ah, darn. There aren’t enough masts for all of them. Too much to hope for, I guess.) No. Jiffy explains that each tribe will choose 3 people to hold onto the poles for dear life, while 2 people from the opposing tribe try to pull them off of the pole and drag them through the sand across a line at the other end of the pit. Whichever tribe gets all 3 over the line first wins reward. (Note that he didn’t say anything about how they get them off of the poles.) Reward will be a big dinner of lamb shanks, bread, and apple cider. Which they will consume… wait for it… Damn Burnett couldn’t spoil this part of the surprise. They don’t know what’s coming. *evil grin* at tribal council (*confused expressions*) where both tribes will vote off a member. (Wow! I didn’t see that coming. Did you?)
The kicker is that, even though they have to vote someone off, the winners get to have a TV dinner, of sorts. They get to watch the unedited version of the losers tribal council while they’re eating. And, they can taunt the losers with the food while they’re at it!
Candice, Ozzy, and Sundra wrap themselves around the poles for A-tChew (*Long may you live*), taking their place alongside Jenny, Nate, and Cristina playing for Ruh-roh. Since A-tChew (*Praise God*) has one extra man and we’re not gonna miss a chance for a chick fight, Cowboy chooses to sit out. (He’s no dummy. It’s his job to create red marks while getting rid of the “bad wind”. You have any idea what being dragged across sand can do to your body? They use that stuff to polish mirrors!)
Unbeknownst to Ruh-roh, Candice spent her time in Africa learning to combine her knowledge of science with the knowledge of the tribal elders. She calls upon the spirits of the wooden pole to grow invisible tendrils that encircle her body, firmly anchoring her to its surface.
Parvati and Rebecca take off to peel Candice from her mast. (Good luck!) Jessica and Becky start to work on Jenny, making quick work of it, almost breaking her knee and dragging her, face down through the sand to the line. After a quick choke hold (unnoticed, and unvoiced – perhaps, because she’s being choked) P&R manage to peel Candice off, but the invisible tendrils refuse to let go, and she scrambles back to grab hold with her physical body again. Jonathon and Yul take off to peel Nate from his position. And, even with a valiant effort, Nate can’t hold on long enough to best Candice, who’s still fighting tooth and nail to stay in the pit.
A-tChew (*Praise God*) has two peeps across the line and Ruh-roh still hasn’t managed to finish Candice off.
”Good job figuring out how to get around another Aitu win! We need to get that immunity idol into play… Gotta have that surprise!”
”Yeah, right. Go away, I’m busy!
Finally the tendrils cannot stretch any farther. Candice is pulled across the line and Adam and Brad take off after Ozzy. One forearm around the neck and he’s off the pole. Jessica and Becky, meanwhile, are working on Cristina – who shows that she’s learned something from her police officer training. She’s learned how real protesters do things. Screaming that they’re choking her, threatening lawsuits, she gets Jiffy to finally admit that there are some things off limits. As they grind her face into the sand he screams “NO CHOKING!” (Um, where were you looking before, dude?)
Cristina decides to play dirty About time! Finally!!! and tries to pull Jessica’s pants off in order to escape. Unfortunately for us, (or fortunately, depending upon how you look at things) this coincides with Ozzy being inch-wormed across the line, setting Pavarti and Rebecca off after Sundra. As P&R once again struggle to sort arms from legs on their intended hit, J&B log roll Cristina down the stretch, finally removing her shoes so they can point her toes to touch the line, and score a “win” for A-tChew (*Salud*).
Yea!!! A-tChew (*Santé*) wins!!! So they get to go to tribal council, too!!! Yippee!! Now, who should we vote off??? Like A-tChew (*Good Health*) will have a problem with that. (Or, will they?)
Celebration comes to a sobering end as Jiffy reminds them of his date with him. No vote? No food. Simple as that. But, after they vote, they get to eat while they listen in as Ruh-roh goes to council. And… There will be one more surprise which will only be revealed at council.
”Didn’t tell ya about that, now did I? Nuh-uh. I can keep a secret. Didn’t tell that blabbermouth Burnett, either. He only thinks he’s the brains behind this show. Well, lemmee tell ya… No… nevermind. Nyah. Just wait until you see what I have in store for you. You’re gonna love it, I tell ya.”
It’s a beautiful day, complete with a rainbow, and A-tChew (*Dia Duit*) is on a high. They came together. They kicked azz. They deserve this feast. Yada Yada.
Cowboy is higher than the rest of them. The Idol has been talking to him in his dreams, which seem to resemble the movie “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” set in their camp – except his sensei wants to know if he has an American Express card, because he needs “3 of this and 3 of that”.
Now, if I were in Survivor, having taken a bunch of time off of work on the off chance that I might win a cool million (before taxes, of course), I’d take this as a sign that I might need that credit card to stay alive after I lost. Not Cowboy. He proves that he can count up to 6, and tells Yul of his revelation. Having forgotten his heritage he calls this Plan Voodoo. (Told you some of these peeps aren’t really connected to their own culture).
The Idol has told Cowboy that either Mr. Alda or Candice has kidnapped its baby brother from Exile Island. (Hm… Maybe I’m wrong about the race thing. Is Cowboy having flashbacks in history to the Opium Wars?) If the tribe splits its votes, going 3 for Alda and 3 for Candice, the baby idol gets set free and one of the evil ones gets voted off. Of course, he’s made one small mistake. Jonathon doesn’t have the baby idol. Yul does. And, it’s Yul that he’s confiding in.
Yul actually considers it. And, frankly, it’s not that dumb a strategy (except that an invisible, flying, AmEx saleswoman came up with it). It does break Jonathon’s hold within this tribe, and it does prevent the Caucasians from having a full majority at the merge. Sundra’s kinda buying it, too. And, of course, she confides in Yul. Heck! Everyone confides in Yul. Even Jonathon confides in Yul. (Of course he thinks Cowboys needs to go.) Yul should set himself up in the self-help market. He’d make a killing.
Nate, over on Ruh-roh is working really hard to get over a back-to-back loss, along with losing the feast. So, he’s working really hard to make his own feast for the tribe. And, he’s doing quite well at it, I might add.
Cristina is just trying to scramble to “get a chance”. She’s not stupid. In spite of her performance at the challenge (arguably the best of her tribe), she knows she’s probably going to be next out. The others are nice to her face, but no one’s changing their plans. Except maybe Nate, who tries to gain favor for her with Rebecca. Interestingly, he’s worried about the Asian vote after the merge. (So, it looks like the final race card is still to be played.) “Christina’s strong, but her mouth is strong. Jenny’s sweet. But, I don’t know if I can trust her yet.”
Poor Cowboy. He has the utmost faith in Becky and Yul. He’s convinced that Plan Voodoo is in effect. It’s not important that the people he trusts are all huddled off together whispering without him. Of course, he also believes in “bad wind”, flying AmEx saleswomen, and the tooth fairy. But, let’s face it – that’s his charm. And, as we know, he’s bonded with the Idol. This time Jonathon allows him to carry it into council with them. When Jiffy points out that he hasn’t asked for it back, Cowboy declares it to be another member of the tribe. If he thinks it’s going to get up and cast a vote supporting Plan Voodoo we’re all in trouble. (Does Loser Lodge even have a room with padded walls and secure locks?)
The Idol, we’re told by Ozzie, symbolizes all of the differences within the tribe. Some want it around always (Cowboy), some don’t want it around ever, unless it’s required (Jonathon), some don’t care (Everyone else). Cowboy admits that in life people either love him or hate him, but, if he has enough time, most come to realize that he’s a harmless nut. Yul points to Jonathon as a natural leader, but Jonathon – while appreciative – takes pains to point out that he never patronizes anyone (eyerolls from the women). Ozzie hasn’t made up his mind (assuming he has one), and Cowboy wants to expose the Queen by exposing the baby idol.
Jonathon, of course, votes for Cowboy. Flicka (yes, I know that’s not how she spells her nickname – but her hair reminds me of my horse’s tail when he’d been running through briars) breaks the alliance and votes Jonathon. Cowboy votes for Candice. And falls into a deep trance afterward. Probably communing with AmEx and the Idol.
Jiffy reads the votes. The one’s we’ve seen first, of course. 4 Cowboy, 1 Candice, 1 Jonathon. Should be interesting. Will Jonathon assume that his vote came from Cowboy, or will he suspect a traitor in their midst?
Cowboy salutes Jiffy as his torch is snuffed and CT’s “It was a wonderful experience. I had a great time. I didn't make it as far as I planned on going, but that's how it goes. I did learn I am most vulnerable among the Asian community. People who are like me, but not like me, I was aware of them in the beginning but eventually I learned to trust them. I should have known better.”
Dinner time!!! A bucket of lamb shanks dripping grease appears, along with large rounds of bread the tribe gets to tear chunks from. There’s a few communal jugs of cider to pass around. Jiffy doesn’t want to make them look too much like heathens (yeah right, like he could stop ‘em), so he provides napkins. And, Ruh-roh is paraded in to watch and vote.
Um, no. This isn’t the surprise. Really. I mean, we all know who’s leaving this tribe.
Adam isn’t fazed by the food – at least not the food that’s being eaten. He doesn’t really like lamb, nor cider. And, they have plenty of food back at camp, so he’s not bothered at all. He’s far more interested in Candice, who keeps making kissy faces and mouthing “I love you” to him. (Thankfully, I finished my dinner just short of this sequence, or I wouldn’t have had much stomach for food, either. As it is I’m having to hold on to my stomach. Ewww. Not a combination I want to think about.)
Nate, however, looks like his saliva glands are working overtime. We can tell. Yes, he would kill for that food. “Snap. That smells good over there.” (Well, what would you expect. It’s food that he didn’t have to kill and cook first. I’d rather eat something I didn’t spend all day preparing, too.)
Jiffy points out that Ruh-roh has lost 2/3 of the challenges and asks Adam how that feels. Um… It svcks, whadya think? No. That’s not exactly what he says. He uses his time to boost Candice’s credit on A-tChew (*Blessings*) before exchanging more nudge-nudge/wink-wink kissies. (Do both of these idiots think that everyone on their team is blind? Apparently. Guess Candice missed reading on her bio just how smart she is. Adam? He has an excuse. He really isn’t that bright, evidently.)
Ruh-roh doesn’t seem to be all that smart in total, for that matter. So maybe they don’t notice Adam’s defection. They’re more than willing to bare their souls and differences for review.
And… It’s time for the vote. There’s one more twist!” Before the vote A-tChew (*May your soul remain in your body*) gets to kidnap one member of Ruh-roh, who will join in the feast and continue as a member of the tribe until after the next reward challenge.
They huddle. Jonathon is seen to make a single syllable utterance, which we can’t discern. Adam and Candice exchange soulful looks. And, the choice is…………. Nate!
(The wisdom of passing on Cristine is arguable. On the one hand they’ve been told she’s a PITA – one the other she would have been eternally grateful, and probably more loyal to them than to Ruh-roh. On the other, unless the merge happened immediately after she returned to Ruh-roh, it’s unlikely she’d be around long enough to matter. At least Nate will be grateful for the food.)
Nate joins the Jury Box and digs into the lamb. He now gets to meet people, break into alliances, see the day-to-day interaction of the enemy. Ruh-roh! A-tChew (*OK! I’ve had it!!! Cover your damn mouths, already!*) gets a virus infection.
Cristina, of course, is led to the slaughter. After the Infected Tribe is shown the door. Almost unanimously, 4-2. We see Adam’s vote – but we already knew whom he’d be voting for. Cristina and Brad, however, vote for Jenny. You’d think that Cristina would have voted for Adam, if for no other reason than to throw off the scent. Wonder if Jenny knows who her biggest threat is?
She stands mute as her torch is snuffed, CTing “I really enjoyed being on Survivor. It was a great experience. Just disappointed I got voted off so soon. Basically I almost feel like I was taken advantage of. But you know what, I met some really good people and I met some really awful people. I guess that's part of the game. But it was just an awesome experience overall.”
Told ya! I told you there’d be a real surprise tonight! I did it! I pulled it off! *sneers at Burnett and skips off clicking his heels*
Next week on Survivor: The Infected Tribe forgets to isolate their infection – but, they do brush their teeth. Ozzie fishes. Cowboy arranges with the idol for someone to get exiled during a lightning storm.
”Maybe there will be more surprises. I might just get that Med-Evac yet! Stay tuned.”