Well, since I missed the first cue to write a summary for The Donald’s Apprentice 4 season premiere, I had to resort to watching 1 of the 58 rerun showings of this episode this week on CNBC to watch it a second time. In doing so, I had to first sit through the last five minutes of “The Big Idea with Donny Douchebag”. And there is nothing more disturbing than watching a 51 year-old worn out metrosexual with an artificially high self-esteem talk about how wonderful he is. Yes, there really might be someone more egotistical out there than the Donald.
Previously on The Apprentice...
• Bill Rancic won and no one cared. • Some dude with a girly name and the personality of a shoe also won. • Kendra Todd won and Trump gave her a crappy job because she wasn’t a guy.
The first few minutes of this season are exactly what I expected them to be… a bunch of nicely-dressed prettied-up people in nice cars talking trash about how much better they are than everyone else. And already I’m getting horrible flashbacks of what my 4 years in a ritzy Catholic high school were like.
Then of course we are treated to Trump yelling at the camera (seriously, this guy needs to just chill out): “I’m looking for someone who’s a tough negotiator… blah blah blah… the Apprentice.” BOOM “… they will push themselves beyond their own limits and work harder than they’ve ever imagined.” (Immediately cut away to 5 candidates all calling for a taxi… wow now THAT is really pushing yourself, isn’t it?) “… by far the most talented group I’ve ever assembled…” (Immediately turn to confessional of some chick who mentions her talent in pee-wee league soccer.)
The Donald is arriving at Trump National, his world class golf course. “…this time I have something unexpected planned for the candidates… A HELICOPTER.”
Alright, enough of this drumroll drama sequence, flashing candidates’ faces, talking about the dream job of a whatever, hurry up, Donald, because I drank 9 Yeunglings too many and now I HAVE TO PEE. “Who will succeed, who will fail, and who will be THE APPRENTICE?” Hmmm, my guess is it will be someone who fails.
18 People. 13 Weeks. 1 Sole Survivor… er um… uh I mean Apprentice.
“Money Money Money Money … MUNNNNAAAYYY, … etc.” Sweet. Time for my pee break.
Well I did catch one glimpse of the opening… looks like we have been treated to having 7 more Jennifers on our roster this year. And our 3 token minorities. And yet another Chris. I hope this new Chris outdoes the other Chrisses and walks in with an uncontrollable cocaine habit.
The show begins and we are given some nice aerial shots of Trump National.
Enter Jennifer M. in a taxi: “I’m prepared for this. I was Manager of the Year in a company with over 50 managers, and I only had to sleep with 3 of them. I’ve made it on my own with nothing handed to me.”
A bunch of other less important people also arrive.
Enter Marshawn: “I’ve had the opportunity to work as a criminal defense attorney, so I’ve been gangbanged by drug dealers, prostitutes, presidents, and CEOs.” Disclaimer: There’s a slight chance that I misquoted her on that.
Enter Clay: “I think being flamingly gay is gonna be a HUGE advantage for me. Hello? When Trump finds out I’m, like, gay and then tries to fire me, I’ll so sue him.”
Enter Markus: “Mr. Trump and I have a lot in common. Bad haircut. Annoying voice. Big ego. We’re kind of kindred spirits.”
The pack of wolves is instructed to walk out to the green past some pond or whatnot.
Trump meets them out there, introduces George and Carolyn, and then divides the teams into men vs. women. Trump explains, “Sometimes it’s hard telling you all apart, and this way, I already know which 9 of you I won’t hire as my Apprentice.” The women surprisingly don’t react to this.
The teams need to select a team name and a project manager. Ohhhh and there’s a twist, too. At this point, I’m expecting Mark Burnett to bring out Stephenie and BoobyJon to join the teams, but this doesn’t happen. The twist is much lamer, in that the winning project manager doesn’t necessarily get an exemption at the next boardroom – the team gets to decide this. At least half of the candidates’ faces show an expression of utter confusion already.
And now the task. The 18 are told they’ll be working with Bally Total Fitness, and they’ll have to create a “Fitness-Plus” class for Bally. There will be two gyms to choose from. And Trump decides to make this interesting. He hid his chopper somewhere on his golf course, and the first moron that finds it gets to pick the better gym. Ready… GO.
Now everyone starts running. The ladies hijack a couple of golf carts, which appear to be driving more slowly than the men are running. Just 2 minutes in to the season and Trump has already rigged this in favor of the men. Another chick takes off her 7-inch heels and hurls them at one of the guys. The level of professionalism here is through the roof, er um, glass ceiling. Some gal starts sprinting a la Forrest Gump towards the helicopter, but it’s all over. Some dude got there first, and it’s a guy named Mark: “It was a will to win. And I wanted to win. And I won. I’m a winner, and I was so happy to win this win.”
Enter Felisha, whose parents spelled her name wrong on her birth certificate: “The men winning the chopper gave them the advantage of speed.” Wow, this girl is a bright one.