Welcome to the season finale of The Bachelor – the show that seeks to answer the questions:
• Could ABC find anyone less likely to propose marriage at the end of the show?
• Where the heck Is Montauk?
• Three effing hours? What were they thinking?
As a service to those of you who have seen the show and are reading this for the insight and snarky comments, all such comments will be in blue text. This way, you can skip through the boring descriptions of the actual dates and hit just the good parts. Don’t expect as much snark as usual. With three hours to get through, there’s just not as much time for fun and games. Please call ABC and voice your displeasure.
Finally, our three hours begins. Fortunately, we start with a recrap of the entire season. Unfortunately, it lasts for only 10 minutes and I was really hoping for 30 minutes or more. Oh, well. Only 170 minutes to go!
It’s time for Charlie to take each girl to meet his family in Montauk, NY, his favorite place in the world. I’ll admit I had no idea where Montauk was and had to look it up on Google Maps. Judging from the satellite photos, that’s gotta be some pretty pricey real estate! Charlie is conflicted and wants to figure out which girl he can envision in his future. Krisily is first to meet Mom and Dad, and Charlie tells us he thinks he’s falling in love with her. For her part, Krisily looks giddy every time she looks at him. I wonder if Charlie likes Krisily because they both love the same thing – him. She seems very insecure and childish. Every time she opens her mouth it reminds me of high school – maybe even junior high. It’s the way she talks. Like, you know?
He takes her to meet his buddies Steve and Frank, then later, his best friend Jack. All his friends think this is crazy. In yet another unbelievably cliché moment, Krisily tells his friends she wants to be the last one standing. Why didn’t I see that one coming? Frankly, I think she’s more of a dead woman walking since I can’t imagine Charlie actually picking her in the end. Anyway, Krisily tells us that meeting his friends is one thing, but the idea of meeting his family is really nerve-wracking.
At Mom and Dad’s home, Mom makes a great impression, as she’s wearing a necklace of bones to dinner. Did anyone else think she looked like an older Wilma Flintstone? After dinner, Krisily takes mom aside to tell her that Charlie makes her feel really special. Mom is noncommittal, but she likes Krisily and can envision them as a couple. Krisily’s date is over and as she leaves, she asks Charlie to miss her when she’s gone.
Only 20 minutes in. How on earth are they going to drag this out to three hours? And why, for God’s sake? Why?
Sarah’s date is coming up next, after what I hope is a very loooong commercial break. Maybe they’ll throw in a 30-minute infomercial!
Sarah arrives in Montauk and tells us she gets butterflies when she sees Charlie. As she and Charlie talk seriously about their relationship, Sarah tells Charlie she could move wherever he is if this works out. She says she’s been engaged once before and only plans on doing it one more time. Charlie says he will only be engaged once, and married once. Given his feelings on the subject, I wonder if Sarah’s past bothers him at all. Overall, I think Charlie looks more comfortable with Sarah than with Krisily.
They head right for dinner with Charlie’s parents and his friend Jack. Sarah is feeling intimidated because she is the second girl. Jack takes Sarah aside, and after about a minute and a half, concludes she’s a controlling b!tch. Well, maybe I embellished just a little bit there. Jack starts throwing out the hardball questions:
Jack: “Do you like Charlie?” Sarah: “Yes.” Jack: “But do you REALLY like Charlie.” Sarah: Yes, I really like Charlie!” Jack: “But do you LIKE LIKE him?”
From this in-depth, soul-baring conversation, Jack concludes she is controlling – whips and chains and will tie you down. Since none of this is evident on screen, we can only conclude that either Jack is an ##### or that Jack really LIKE LIKES Charlie and wants Charlie for himself. Jack and Sarah get into it at the dinner table, and, in my opinion, they should probably keep the wine on the other end of the table for the rest of the evening.
As they say goodbye, Charlie says he’s glad she came and got to meet Jack. Her one-word reply is “Yep.” It’s the least she’s ever had to say. Back in the house, they all agree both girls are completely different. Dad thinks they both seem much more mature than Charlie. LOL!
Charlie is conflicted, and he’s too tired to make a decision between the two girls. He’s all choked up at the thought of deciding right now, which makes for a good excuse to shake things up. Krisily and Sarah are waiting outside as Chris and Charlie join them. Chris tells the girls anything can happen this season, and what’s happened is that Charlie wants more time to decide. The three of them will let their relationships grow in the real world over the next two months, just like in real life. Except that he’s still dating two girls at the same time, there will still be cameras around, they’ll visit exotic locations, and there will be just as much secrecy and isolation as before. In short, it’s nothing like dating in the real world. Charlie says he loves them both, but needs to learn more about them outside the Bachelor environment. Charlie awkwardly kisses both girls at the same time, then leaves, promising that won’t happen again. The girls are confused and upset. They want answers now, and they don’t want to share anymore. Sarah says he must be there for the right reasons or he wouldn’t care so much about making the right decision. ”Right reasons” is the new “we have a connection”.
Privately, we find out that Krisily would have said yes if he’d proposed today. Sarah is confident he would have picked her, and is bummed to have to share Charlie for two more months. And finally, we get our first sneak peek of the girls in their dressing rooms. They are tense, but Sarah appears much more nervous than Krisily. Sadly, both girls are fully dressed, which isn’t helping my hidden camera in the dressing room fantasy. ?
Final New York Date
Krisily says it’s difficult because she knows she wants him, and is upset he hasn’t reached the same conclusion yet. They hang out at his apartment, and the next part is priceless, and why I’ve really grown to like Charlie a lot. He says: ”I know we have serious talks to have, and I’m not a serious guy. I have serious feelings, but I don’t like serious talks.” Heh! Now, that’s a real guy! They talk about where their relationship is going. Charlie says he doesn’t want to make a mistake in his life – or hers. Privately, he comments that it hurts that she can wear her heart on her sleeve and say she doesn’t need more time, but he does. Krisily says he hugs her like he never wants to let go. She is terrified by the uncertainty. She tells him his job is to miss her while she’s gone.
Final Date With Sarah
Sarah has picked up dinner on her way over, and immediately they fight over who gets the chocolate shake, just like a couple who’s been together for a while. She tells us she wants this whole thing to be over. She knows what she wants and is disturbed that i he can’t make up his mind. In all fairness, she’s not choosing between two guys. Anyway, she first tells us, she can’t handle the idea of him being intimate with Krisily, and then proceeds to tell Charlie that she has certain morals and values and hopes he’ll respect her. We know what she means, though she doesn’t come right out and say don’t you dare sleep with her. She also tells him she’s ready to make a commitment to him.