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The Bachelor 7 - Episode 7 Summary

'Girls Gone Wild!' By frisky
Original Airdate: May 2, 2005

Okay, well they didn't really go wild on camera. I titled this summary thusly in hopes of having one or two, maybe even three, people visit this thread and read my hours and hours of labour, the worst hour of which involved me sitting in front of my television, barf-bag in paw, enduring yet another hour of this tired, wretched has-been yakfest of a dating-show turned DAWbutante festival.

If you're just joining in and you're actually interested in learning more, then I feel sorry for you please read the summaries-gone-by of my comrades-in-distress who are not only watching this minor fender-bender that wants to be a trainwreck, but who have also laboured into the night trying to make this show funny and the characters interesting enough for both of you to want to read about them.

Last time on the Bachelwhore, Charlie dumped the girl with the big kahunas, Uber-oobies. This pleased me, what with Uber-oobies being Canadian and me being Canadian, I didn't want the public to think that all Canadian woman with big yaya's are ho's. It was ruining my cover, y'see.

So, this time, it looks like the Bachelwhore and his prospective bachelwhorettes are going to Aruba. Of course, this is just another excuse for the producers to put the ho's in bikinis again, and much to their dismay, Charlie is all fresh out of bikini models! What's a slimey network to do? Put the focus on the slimey title character? Ha!

See, I have something of a problem with the choice of bachelor this time. Aren't these bachelors supposed to be unbelievably good-looking with loads of old money? At best, much to the relief of Julia Roberts and Darryl Hannah, this bachelor has proven to the world that horsey is not just for women anymore. That's right, ladies, if horsey is your thing, then Charlie is just dripping with neighing, snorting, bucking equine goodness. The first time I saw Charlie, I was sure I heard the quick *scritch* of pencil on paper as Alannis Morrisette (no stranger to horsey herself) crossed the name "Charlie" off of her Men Who Must Die List, a rare show of gratitude on her part for his sacrificial representin' of their kind.

So, where were we? Oh, yes. The Aruba Triangle. The girls are pulling up in limos, each of them pretending to think that they have the bestest date of all in Aruba, while the other girls are stuck in bone-chilling, heavily-clothed, unsexy destinations like Canada. Then they get out of their limos and pretend to realize what's going down. They put on their fake smiles that they have reserved just special for each other, and pretend to be underwhelmed. Again, I hear the quick *scritch* of pencil on paper as Pamela Anderson, long-suffering star of her own various short-lived TV serieseseses, happily crosses the names Sarah, Sarah and Pissily off her Potential Emmy Competition List.

Now that the ho's have disembarked from their too-good-for-their-cheap-heinies limosines, let me channel the snark and wit of our beloved Larry, who has, much to the dismay of the whole world, never put snark and wit together with his keyboard in what would surely be an ugly onslaught of rightly-earned insults flinged mercilessly like so many airborne cheeseballs toward the various bachelwhores and bachelwhorettes who willingly fall in love on the first date and unabashedly lose their hearts, virginity and DIVA-points in front millions a couple of hundred television viewers week-in and week-out.

Let's start with Prissily. She's the one who went from Bitchily to Prissily in a matter of a few weeks. We started out hating her, but now we are merely confused by her. Who is this villain-#####-on-wheels turned vulnerable-smalltowngirl-crybaby? Will the real Pissily please stand up? Actually, lay down. Yes, that's better. You prefer laying down, don't you? *nudge* *wink*

Krisileech has never left Bob's Corner, or whatever little hick town she lives in. She's wearing a tiny denim hooker skirt and a tiny maroon top that leaves little to the imagination. You won't need your imagination, though, because the clothing will all be removed later. *nudge* *wink*

Sarah B, who prefers the patronizing "Little Sarah" moniker, but who I will refer to here as Sarah Boring, because she hasn't yet put out for poor Charley-horse, is her perky self and so happy to be there! Everything else about Poor Sarah is just too boring to mention.

I saved the best for last. That's right, Sarah W., or "Big Sarah" or, as her boyfriend Charlie likes to say, "Dub" or "DubDub", but who for the purposes of this summary will heretofore be known as Skank-Skanky-Dubya-Ho, gets out of her limo, just as her driver jumps out of the car and throws himself into the backseat with a spray-bottle of peroxide and a shop rag and madly wipes down the very spot where Skank-Skanky-Dubya-Ho was just sitting. She eyes up the other two ho's with mock contempt, immediately knocking herself out of the running for the Emmy.

The-guy-who-would-be-a-host,whatsisdude, is waiting and tells them to straighten up and look annoyed at each other and look surprised to see him, too, dammit! At which point the three ho's put on fake pouts and throw themselves kicking and screaming to the pavement.

Okay, ABC, I'm convinced now that you named yourselves ABC because it's easy to remember, or because it stands for All-But-Cancelled or some such, because you actually think that you can use non-actors - untrained Desperate Attention Dubya's - to trick your audience into believing this stupid nobody-knew-all-the-ho's-were-in-Aruba storyline. Well, we weren't tricked, Another-Bad-Channel. All four of us knew all along that the girls were faking it.

Faking it? Hmmm. Could this be, perhaps, a flash-forward of sorts, a Mulholland Drive-esque foreshadowing of...naw, none of these bachelwhorettes would be that easy, would they? *spanks self for even suggesting it*

So, Charlie gets to date each girl for a day and possibly the whole night if they want to, which they would never do, of course, because this is national television and that would be such a desperate and skanky thing to do, and none of these ladies would be that easy.

Charlie's first date is with Skank-Skanky-Dubya-Ho. In separate confessionals, both Charlie and Skankah express their wish to get the spark back in their marria...relationship. See, the flames that ignited on their first date have flickered down to a mere Hot Amber, and if they just blow ever so gently, that Hot Amber might just leap up and burn both of them beyond recognition.

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