An Indubitable Portrayal of The Bachelor as documented in exclusive, private correspondence from insiders
Dear Mom and Dad,
Iím so excited and I have so very much to tell you about the past week. The other girls gave me a nickname: Tina Fabulous. Isnít that fabulous? I so love it! But Tina-Chopped-Liver always rolls her eyes every time someone calls me that; I donít get it.
So, everything really got interesting when Kevin and Shannon showed up. Kevin is an old friend of Andrewís and apparently Shannon is Kevinís girlfriend. However, she used to date Andrew, I think. It wasnít tremendously clear, but in any case, we call her Shannon-Sloppy-Seconds. Isnít that fabulous?
So, they sat us all down one by one to ask us some pressing questions. These other girls are soÖ whatís the wordÖ unfabulous, though. I decided I would have to show them how it was done. I came out to my interview with that pretty scarf I bought when I went to the Antarctic and they really seemed to think it was fabulous. And you know what? It is pretty fabulous of me to wear a scarf on a warm day in Southern California. Iím just so fabulous.
I think Shannon-Sloppy-Seconds and Kevin-Critical were unimpressed with a lot of the girls. Amber-Excess really annoyed me, however. She got to answer LisaPoohís Yearbook Thread and picked Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt for ďBest Couple.Ē Ugh. Not fabulous. But, Kevin and Shannon picked her for the first date, anyway. They said they liked her ďlookĒ for Andrew, but really, sheís not all that fabulous. She drinks a lot and later on she stuffed her face so full of food, I wanted to puke... That is, I would have if it werenít so terribly unfabulous to do so. (Thatís why we call her Amber Excess, by the way.)
Anyway, having a fabulous time. Love you, Tina Fabulous
* * * * *
I hate this show! I hate these people! I wish I were blasted right now. Now that Iíve been eliminated, theyíve cut off the champagne and margaritas. Asses. Screw them. They donít know I stuck a bunch of bottles of wine in my suitcase.
So, that wiener Andrew took me on a date all by myself. We had to go ice-skating, which pissed me off since I was still soooooo drunk from the night before. But, I tried to make the best of it anyway. I kept trying to get Andrew talking but he just sat there like a lump and then he blamed me for it later. At one point he started talking about our kids and I was so grossed out. I mean, if I have kids Iíll get fat and plus youíre not supposed to drink and stuff, so forget that. But, whatever, ya know. Gawd, I need a beer.
Anyway, ice-skating was a bust, the guy hates Olive Garden and he doesnít talk. But, Iím still feeling that ďvibeĒ Ďcause Iím kinda dumb and trusting that way, you know. So, we go home and Iím so happy I went the whole night without throwing up. Sounds like a dream date, ifyouknowwhatimean.
Psha. Well, that first class a-hole didnít give me a rose. What an effing jerk. Gawd, I hope you guys are ready for me. I am SO needing to get my drink on. The best part about leaving is at least I donít have to be all prim and proper and be all like ďNo, thank you. Iíve had enough.Ē Ugh, that was so annoying holding myself in check. See ya soon.
* * * * *
Hey! Tell those boys at the lumberyard Iím coming back to work! Yeah, thatís rightÖ pretty boy is sending me home.
So, let me tell you about these ditzy girls. The bachelor ends up taking Anne-Michelle, Cristina and Liz to a Moroccan restaurant. The guys'll love this: he get them all to belly dance and somehow even convinced Liz the vegetarian to eat meat. It was great! Not only did they act like a bunch of weak submissives, they were stupid enough to come back and tell us all about it. Fools, huh?
Oh, and get this. This guy is such a tool he kissed all three of the girls that night. Cristina got all mad and confronted him and he started going off on her. He was all ďHow can I tell who I want to marry if you guys donít put out?Ē And she was all ďOh. Duh. Silly me. Sorry.Ē Can you believe it? The guys at the yard would think they were at Disneyland with all these easy morons around.
Anyway, rev up the forklift; Iím coming back to reality.
* * * * *
Dear Mom and Dad,
Hi! Iím so happy! I love Andrew! Like, so much. Heís totally my style. I even ate his meat! Iíd do anything for him! I wonder if he has a bunny rabbit back home?!
Amber makes me sad though. Iím so sad. She and I were like best friends and she betrayed me by not kissing and telling. I very nicely kept on asking her what had happened on their date and she wouldn't tell me anything. We even ended up fighting a little bit. All I wanted was an apology, but she never said squat. I think Iím going to cry. Iím so sad right now.
Kirsten got a solo date with Andrew. I hate her! Iím so angry right now! ARGH! Sheís such a little brat and she doesnít want to make friends with any of us. God, Iím so mad! Why did Shannon and Kevin pick her? Itís not fair. She came back with jewels and stuff and I wanted to rip her head off. Makes me SOO angry. Die, Kirsten. DIE!
But, I better wrap this up. Andrew actually touched me when he fed me the meat so Iím so happy I could float away. Itís like, nothing could mess me up now, you know? Birds are singing and the sun is shining and Iím so happy.
Loving life (at least for this one brief moment in time), Liz