I have managed by some possibly not-so-legal means to procure the diaries kept by the people involved in this seasonís ďThe BachelorĒ. Here are some selections for your viewing pleasure.
Nov. 3 Dear Journal, Iím so excited. This week, I get to go on the fantasy dates with all three of the ladies. On Nov. 4th Iím taking Kirsten to Utah and weíre going to get in a bobsled together. That should be cozy. Iím kind of bummed out that I have to wear boots though. Iím going to miss my flip flops. On Nov. 5th I get to take Jen to Arizona where the weather is great. Iím glad it never rains in Arizona. Iíd hate to have to go bowling or something lame like that. Iím taking her to a spa no matter what. I love watching women get massaged by someone else. On Nov. 6th Tina and I are going to Hawaii. I guess weíll swim and stuff. Whatever; I get to see her in a bikini and I can wear my flip flops. Iíll bet itíll be fabulous!
I understand that they will give us an envelope each time with a key to a fantasy suite and if the lady wants we can spend the night together. Iíve been talking to my friend Kevin and he gave me a great line used by smooth operators to get them to go to a guyís hotel room. He says I should say to each of them, ďWanna check it out?Ē Iím going to give it a try. Andrew
Nov. 5 Dear Diary, Andrew and I went to Utah. We rode in a bobsled and junk, but I finally got him to sit still after awhile so I could grill him on what he was feeling and let him know I donít see how he could be feeling stuff for three women at once. He sure stammered a lot. Then we went to a nice dinner and I was able to steer the conversation to get him to ask my opinion of the other girls. Didnít have much to say about Jen, I keep forgetting about her. But I gave him my opinion of Tina. She is NOT fabulous. Then I pushed him some more on his intentions and feelings. I think I made some headway. Then he like pulled this envelope out and of course I knew what it was, so I jerked it out of his hand and tore it open and of course we were offered a night together in the fantasy suite. Then he had this lame line, ďWanna check it out?Ē Thank goodness heís a millionaire and weíre on TV, cause in a bar he wouldnít stand a chance with a line like that. But of course I went anyway and we spent the night together and I know we really connected emotionally. The night was so special. Kirsten
Nov. 5 Dear Journal, I scored. Andrew
Nov. 6 Dear Diary, Andrew and I went to Arizona and it was raining so we had a bowling date. It was so sweet. Of course I had to hide the fact that I was the Illinois Junior state champion for two straight years and pretend that I canít bowl so he could win. Then we went to a spa where he watched me get a massage. He kind of got a creepy look on his face while that happened, it was a little weird. Then we got a mud bath and he got a little fresh when he was washing it off in the shower, but I managed to fend him off. Later we went to a nice dinner and then he pulled out an envelope inviting me back to the fantasy room. He had the cutest pick-up line, ďWanna check it out?Ē It was just so adorable I couldnít resist and even though I know it was wrong I spent the night with him. It was so special and intimate and I know it meant as much to him as it did to me. Jen
Nov. 6 Dear Journal, I scored. Andrew
Nov. 7 Dear Diary, Andrew and I got to go on a date to Hawaii! Of course it was fabulous. We spent the day on the beach. I forgot my football, so I couldnít show all the people on the beach how butch I can be if I want. Then we got in a lagoon with dolphins and that was fun. Iím fabulous with animals. At dinner Andrew started asking me questions about having a family and when I might want to do that. Being pregnant would NOT be fabulous and I told him I am not ready to start spitting out babies right now. Then Andrew pulled out an envelope offering us the opportunity to spend the night in a fantasy suite and he asked if I ďWanna check it out?Ē I decided that would be fabulous, and playing it cool, looked at the time on his pimped-out watch and accepted his invitation. We got in a little whirlpool tub and I told him to stay on his side and not touch me underwater. Of course I was joking and later on I rocked his world. Iíll put the details in ďdirty diaryĒ that I keep in a safe deposit box, but letís just say it was fabulous. I could tell that Andrew was as emotionally touched and felt the experience was as special as I did. I think he might have cried after it was over. Tina
Nov. 7 Dear Journal, Got some pepper in my eye last night, and it is still watering. I scored though. Andrew
Nov. 10 Dear Journal, Another rose ceremony tonight. Iím so tired of this gig. These girls are so stupid I have to keep reminding them of how important the ceremony is and that there are fewer roses than there are women and that somebody has to go home. Then toward the end of the ceremony I have to keep pointing out to them ďThis is the last rose.Ē I could just scratch their eyes out, they are so shallow and stupid. I donít know what Andrew sees in them. I just donít understand why he canít notice it when I glance at him in a certain way and touch his arm. Although sometimes when we shake hands, I think he holds onto mine for just a few seconds longer than necessary. Sigh. I hope he notices tonight how our suits coordinate and how wonderful we would look together. We could be so happy; we could just zip down to SanFran for the weekend now and then, or jet out to NY and hang out in the Village. This gets so depressing. Iím going to call Amber up afterward and see if she wants to go get plastered. Chris
Nov. 10 Dear Diary, Well, that was certainly NOT fabulous. I cannot believe I am getting sent home to Wisconsin. I mean I really didnít want to settle down, but I wanted to reject HIM. He picked the snake-girl and the vanilla pudding girl. Oh well, whoever he picks will probably be pregnant 3 months after they get married. That isnít fabulous either. Maybe I played too hard to get. Or maybe I shouldnít have slept with him and played not hard enough to get. I heard Chris and Amber were getting drunk later, maybe Iíll join them.
Iím keeping the watch. Tina
Nov. 10 Dear Journal, Well, I sent Tina home. She intimidated me. I donít need a wife who is more fabulous than I am. Chris kept looking at me funny tonight and wouldnít let go of my hand when we shook. His outfit looked great, though. Andrew