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Average Joe 1 - Episode 1 Summary

'Mrs. CinderFella' By Guppin1234
Original Airdate: November 3, 2003

Melana believes she's living a fairy tale - Shrek meets The Dating Game

At the start, we see Melana's bikini clad, firm-buttocked, perky-breasted buffed out body traversing the wet beachy sands and looking through the camera at all the rest of the men in TV land as if she has found her lost long soulmate. Melana: There's nothing to see here, move along.

She's a former beauty queen and NFL cheerleader looking for fall in love with the perfect guy. They show her beautiful white stretch limousine crawling up the hill to deliver her as a princess living in a multi-million dollar mansion smack dab in in the middle of Hell's Kitchen, Palm Springs, CA. Don't cry out Melana, no one will hear you anyway. Melana: Is this setting the contrast between beauty and the beasty boys?

Melana sees her perfect guy as the one with a perfect smile but our commentator reminds Melana that these guys don't look or act like any of the previous bachelors you've seen on TV. The commentator also wants to know how Melana will react when she sees them for the first time. This commentator is as clueless as the casting agent who wants revenge on Melana for breaking up with him in a past life.

She thinks 16 modern-day Prince Charmings are on their way to win her heart - so she has absolutely no idea that these are indeed - below average Joes.

Party time! Let's all get acquainted with the Joes before Melana does:

They had a hell of a party before meeting Melana. Let's look at the wonderful montage of all of the hidden talents displayed by our Joes as NBC has asked them to narrate their personal fault lines:

Here's Dennis the Accountant showing us his Molly moves with the hula hoops and his fanny dance on the football field. He looks around because he's lost his ass-enhancing underwear. Dennis admits that on the outside only he is perceived as a geek/nerd. He wants to break away from the stigmata of his physical appearance. Although, I must admit to being a little turned on when the tennis ball was implanted into Dennis' back. He arched his back, flipped his hair, batted an eye and thrusted his pelvis back, chest forward and up then grabs his left cheek all within a few seconds. Ask Dennis to pull up his sock, I wanna see him bend over.

Mysterious spin-ballet-break dancer - could this be Clint? Clint tells us that he was a White House assistant, yet he feels that other people have had an advantage over him in life.

The flame-throwing Craig wannabe Prilosec spokesperson. Craig reminds us that he is big all over, even the parts he hasn't seen since grade school Craig worries that he wont be able to fit into the bathroom. Marc is also worried that Craig wont be able to fit into the bathroom.

Marc complains that he is only 5'4", reminds us again later that you never see a guy his size on these dating shows, talks some more about being vertically challenged and swears he does not have a Napoleon complex completely overlooking that he's follically challenged as well.

Joe admits that he knows he's not small guy. He knows he's not a rip guy as he bends the diving board like a piece of tortured pasta and displaces all the water in the pool with pure body mass. Joe says "I yam what I yam."

John says that he is a total geek grinning from ear to ear. John lovingly explains his first kiss with Melana to Dennis, still grinning from ear to ear. He tells us it hurts to be the guy who loses, all the time - and no, he wasn't smiling just then.

Adam says he always called himself a dork. At the party, Adam is eating pasta salad with his hands tied behind his back while fantasizing about being with Melana. Eric looks on with shock and awe. Brad wants some pasta salad too. Later, Adam playfully joins another Joe in the pool as they both swim doggy style.

Jay says call me Costanza, Sam Fat, Bald... I don't care. Jay says on a scale of 1 to 10 he's not a Brad Pitt then he calls Marc Horschack. Marc seems to be taking all the pot shots and physical jabs quite well considering that he still hasn't made up for that Napoleonic complex that's so ever present in his mind.

Wally tells us that he's not usually the boyfriend and that he usually falls within the friend category. He brought his over-sized Hulk Hand as a comfort item just in case he needs to get in touch with his inner child, as geeks are known to have generous offerings. In the photo-shop scene, Wally is completely enmeshed with Melana as she graces his cheek with a soft and pouty kiss.

At the party, Brad looks quickly at Dennis to satisfy his contract in developing a television dramatic moment and smiles a sheepish grin. Probably Clueless gives us some sheepish insight from another thread: I've had many, and many have had me, but never by a sheepdog named Rory, or Adam or Brad or Dennis or....

Eric seals his fate as he plasters a loser sign across his forehead. Jay reaches into his pocket and tells Eric "Lose this buddy!" Eric says he did not date in high nor go to his prom because he didn't have a date. He would have loved to have dated, but the dates didn't chase him and he didn't chase the dates.

Brad gives a smarmy NBC executive a massage and confesses that he has had sex with very, very, very, very, very, very few people. Brad says he gives all geeks hope in the world, as he buries Melana in popcorn at the theater, because he usually does get the girl. Geeks can get the woman, he says, generalizing that term 'woman' so as to increase his chances.

Tareq interrupts all this blissful happiness as tempers flare, and he swings the bat across the yard. Tareq says that reality TV has never seen anything like him because he's a 21-year-old college professor who is going to win an oscar and become the prime minister of a country before my lifetime is over. He's got a real Johhny Depp thing going on here, and what's that thing on your chin? Beard interrupted. The little hairline that couldn't. Melana, it's a road map to my lips.

Zach knows that nothing guarantees baggin' the babe faster than a man wearnin' excess baggage on his head. Zach and Marc go at it in a tug-o-war contest as they ruin yet another of Marc's shirt, but if he get's it to the tailor right now, there still could be hope. Zach and John go at it as John tells Zach that he's had a problem with him since day one.

David says that he's really easy to talk to, and interestingly they all play up qualities and personality over looks.

Jerry worries about what he's gotten himself into and if it works out, it works out. It works out, Jerry. I've seen her.

Chiropractor Dennis says he's totally within the range of average looking people, and people are attracted to him because he likes having a good time, a good time going to all the trouble of applying to get on this show, going through the selection process, taking time off from work, totally disrupting your life, going all the way to Palm Springs from PA just to get eliminated in the first round.

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