PLEASE NOTE: This summary is a hybrid of trivia, fill in the blanks, song parodies and evil minds (just like this episode, no?) -- ANSWERS APPEAR AT THE END
In addition to missing my mind, sanity, and good judgment, I also missed seeing a few parts of this episode because of certain local Station interruptions. 3 of them! *AF cusses like a Jerry and throws down her keyboard on the floor like a Tareq* So, we’ll make a game of it. When you see a blank, fill it in with your own internal dialogue. PG-13 Answers will be on a new post. Pretend you are an Average Joe, and don’t worry about getting them all wrong. Don’t forget to keep score! (Actual quotes are in “quotes”.) John as Dr. Seuss: 6 Goofy. 6 Goofy Guys. 6 Goofy Guys, Great Girl. 6 Goofy Guys, Great Girl, Goin Around. 6 Goofy Guys, Great Girl, Goin Around, Great Time.
The Water Park
Melana and Avg Joes enter the Swimsuit portion of this evening’s competition. John wins. Salty Dog Hot Dogs Stand: Adam orders: “I’ll have some _____ tenders, ham _____, hot _____, _____ shake, and a Diet _____.” (Remember when you answer that this is the same guy who commented on her assets while rock-climbing....) Melana: I’ll have the same! Tareq: I am here to be “the butt of the _____”. M: “Shut up! You know why you’re here.” Zach: “These _____ are ripe for the picking”. *Zoom in shot of 2 Long, yellow Water chutes* The guys peer pressure the Girl (as they call her) and Adam into conquering their fears of heights to take a long, wet ride on the big, long _____ ______. (Don’t tell me you already got this one wrong, tsk, tsk.) Adam: “I don’t know where my butt started and my _____ _____ ended.” Brad: “I don’t have game”. M: “Don’t try to kiss me, I have _____ breath.” Kathy: “Three of you guys have to go home to your mommies.”
The Dune Buggy Competition
Producers: psst, Jerry, over here! Hey, we need you to pretend to be a slow driver and Lose this thing, so we can have more drama with Zach. Yeah, thanks for playing. M: “Zach, you’ll win this competition, right?” “I gotta see Zach again and I don’t wanna wait 3 to 4 days” (for the test results to come back!) ----- Questions about Melana along the Racing Course ------ (I may have gotten these wrong) 1. What is M’s middle name? ........ Beelzebub or Lillith 2. M’s dream is to be married where? ........Underwater or Massachusetts 3. What is the name of M’s alter ego? .......Jenny McCarthy or Kelly Bundy 4. What is M’s favorite _____ instrument? ........Kazoo or Flute 5. What was the name of M’s _____ ? .......Muffy or Scruffy Zach wins. Big surprise. Big Shocking Surprise! So, they go on a romantic camel ride. Bonus question: Was there 1 hump or 2? _____ (On the Camel, people!) They arrive at a tent with the Theme of Arabian Nights. (I swear that this is the same one from the Queer Eye episode! Posers!) They talk about their different Religions. Not a problem for M, and Zach is willing to “Climb the Mountain”. yeah. He is Jewish. So she insightfully asks, M: “Do you celebrate Christmas?” Z: “No” M: Easter? Kwanzaa? Bar Mitzvah? Ramadan? There’s lots more of the tongue Olympics. Was I the only one who got nauseous at this point? Z: “let’s make the most of tonight. Forget the cameras are around” M: “Most of the night, I spent between his _____ and _____ . He definitely knows how to be with a _____ . Zach has these huge _____, kind of intimidating at first.”
The Tiger Woods Competition
Tareq spends all night practising _____. Then he hops in the pool to cool down. He has a temper. Adam: “I could see that M had a pink thong on.” Golf Pro: Alrighty boys, It’s game time. Lemme give ya some tips on what to do and how to do it. “If you go out there and start stressing and worry about your _____ tonight, you may not get IT airbourne.” Adam runs back to the bathroom. (Tornado watch Interruption. You know what happens and I don’t care, so let’s skip ahead, shall we?) Tareq is all dressed up, like Dorf on Golf.
He is losing, and gets mad that his mommy took away his teddy bear, so he takes the golf club, and violently throws it down, maiming three cameramen in the process. Bad Tareq, down boy! Adam wins the private date. Which is a ride on a ..... glider. (Austin Powers: Yeah Baby, Does that make you Randy?) Adam: “She doesn’t like _____ or tight _____, which is what the glider was.” So he asks her some riddles. Cheers her up. Nice guy, no bashing here. They eventually go on the glider, and the theme to Top Gun starts in, “Highway to the Danger Zone, gonna take it right into the Danger Zone, dah nah nah nat nat.” M: “He took my _____ off a lot of crazy things.” A: “When I realized how small the compartment was, I was so _____.” M: “He’s such a good _____ - I was shocked.”
The Movie Trivia Competition
John is a nice guy. Brad has a plan to oust Zach by bad-mouthing him to M. So, John decides to take one for the team, pulls a Drake, throws the Immunity Challenge, and loses out on movie trivia (him being a producer’s assistant and all). Brad: “I’m not one to talk bad about others.” ----- Questions from Movie Trivia ----------(I may have gotten these wrong too) Which actor starred as: 1. The lead male in “From Justin to Kelly”?.................John: “Cuba Gooding, jr.” 2. The white man in “White Men Can’t Jump”?...........John: “Cuba Gooding, jr.” 3. Yoda in Star Wars, Episode 1? ..............................John: “Cuba Gooding, jr.” You get the drift. I missed most of the Brad date, but I did see them in the limo. Was I the only one hoping for a sequel to the limo scene in “No Way Out, starring Kevin Costner”??? Yup. Brad: I’m not one to talk bad about others, but........I’ll talk bad about others. Brad: (about Zach) “you are not his ideal by any means”. Mel: *bang bang* I like to shoot the messenger.
M: “I am like a hung _____. I don’t know what to do about tonight.” AXED: Jerry: “I feel like s***.” Tareq: Her realm of something cannot co-exist with my realm of existence and the data did not compute properly in my cerebral cortex region of inter-species cohabitation and internalization and my routers got all out of sync. Brad: “It feels like your not _____ enough for a _____ & amazing woman.”
Willy Wonka parody, part Deux: There’s no Earthly way of Knowing, which direction we are going, There’s no Knowing what is growing - True Love, Ratings or Oat Sowing Is it Fair? or Is it Cruel? Do you wish it instead it was Elise Sewell? Yes! The Ratings must be growing For A pink thong underwear is showing And Zach’s head is sadly bowing Cause he sees his chances blowing! (Wonka screams. Chaos.)
3 Goofy. 3 Goofy Guys. 3 Goofy Guys, Great Girl.
WHAT'S MISSING????? 3 Goofy Guys, Great Girl, 3 Gorgeous Gigolos.
EVERYTHING CHANGES Door opens. Cue Music. Enter: Mike from the Limo Scott Wolf from Party of Five And Antwoine from Deuce Bigolo.
CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD by Kylie Minogue and Angelfood La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x4) I just can't get you out of my head John, your lame song is all I think about I just can't get you out of my bed Zack, your looks are what I’m all about La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x2) I had a nightmare - the guys were naked But, its more than I dare to think about I just wish that I had Models instead And the producers made it come about Every tongue Every date I’d never know if you’re Gay Won't you stay Won't you stay Stay forever and ever and ever ah ah La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x4) I just want someone handsome to Wed Mike, your pecs are all I think about Jason, you look like you’re good in bed Alex, are you a gigolo or a lout? See me haaaaaaaaaaaaaappppyyyyy See me ooonnnnnnn TeeeeeVeeeeeee Stay forever and ever and ever ah ah La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x4) I just can't get you out of my head (La,la,la La,la,la,la,la)
Melana then gives the BIGGEST SMILE I’ve ever seen on a human being. Fade to black....
Next time on Average Joe: She dates the Models. She kisses the Models. Zach slams a door. John cries. Jason: “I can’t believe it. I didn’t think we were gonna _____ on the first date!”