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Average Joe 1 - Episode 3 Summary

'WHAT’S MISSING?' By Angelfood
Original Airdate: November 17, 2003

PLEASE NOTE: This summary is a hybrid of trivia, fill in the blanks, song parodies and evil minds (just like this episode, no?) -- ANSWERS APPEAR AT THE END

In addition to missing my mind, sanity, and good judgment, I also missed seeing a few parts of this episode because of certain local Station interruptions. 3 of them! *AF cusses like a Jerry and throws down her keyboard on the floor like a Tareq* So, we’ll make a game of it. When you see a blank, fill it in with your own internal dialogue. PG-13 Answers will be on a new post. Pretend you are an Average Joe, and don’t worry about getting them all wrong. Don’t forget to keep score! (Actual quotes are in “quotes”.)
John as Dr. Seuss:
6 Goofy.
6 Goofy Guys.
6 Goofy Guys, Great Girl.
6 Goofy Guys, Great Girl, Goin Around.
6 Goofy Guys, Great Girl, Goin Around, Great Time.

The Water Park

Melana and Avg Joes enter the Swimsuit portion of this evening’s competition. John wins.
Salty Dog Hot Dogs Stand:
Adam orders: “I’ll have some _____ tenders, ham _____, hot _____, _____ shake, and a Diet _____.” (Remember when you answer that this is the same guy who commented on her assets while rock-climbing....)
Melana: I’ll have the same!
Tareq: I am here to be “the butt of the _____”.
M: “Shut up! You know why you’re here.”
Zach: “These _____ are ripe for the picking”.
*Zoom in shot of 2 Long, yellow Water chutes*
The guys peer pressure the Girl (as they call her) and Adam into conquering their fears of heights to take a long, wet ride on the big, long _____ ______. (Don’t tell me you already got this one wrong, tsk, tsk.)
Adam: “I don’t know where my butt started and my _____ _____ ended.”
Brad: “I don’t have game”.
M: “Don’t try to kiss me, I have _____ breath.”
Kathy: “Three of you guys have to go home to your mommies.”

The Dune Buggy Competition

Producers: psst, Jerry, over here! Hey, we need you to pretend to be a slow driver and Lose this thing, so we can have more drama with Zach. Yeah, thanks for playing.
M: “Zach, you’ll win this competition, right?” “I gotta see Zach again and I don’t wanna wait 3 to 4 days” (for the test results to come back!)
----- Questions about Melana along the Racing Course ------ (I may have gotten these wrong)
1. What is M’s middle name? ........ Beelzebub or Lillith
2. M’s dream is to be married where? ........Underwater or Massachusetts
3. What is the name of M’s alter ego? .......Jenny McCarthy or Kelly Bundy
4. What is M’s favorite _____ instrument? ........Kazoo or Flute
5. What was the name of M’s _____ ? .......Muffy or Scruffy
Zach wins. Big surprise. Big Shocking Surprise! So, they go on a romantic camel ride. Bonus question: Was there 1 hump or 2? _____ (On the Camel, people!) They arrive at a tent with the Theme of Arabian Nights. (I swear that this is the same one from the Queer Eye episode! Posers!)
They talk about their different Religions. Not a problem for M, and Zach is willing to “Climb the Mountain”. yeah. He is Jewish. So she insightfully asks,
M: “Do you celebrate Christmas?”
Z: “No”
M: Easter? Kwanzaa? Bar Mitzvah? Ramadan?
There’s lots more of the tongue Olympics. Was I the only one who got nauseous at this point?
Z: “let’s make the most of tonight. Forget the cameras are around”
M: “Most of the night, I spent between his _____ and _____ . He definitely knows how to be with a _____ . Zach has these huge _____, kind of intimidating at first.”

The Tiger Woods Competition

Tareq spends all night practising _____. Then he hops in the pool to cool down. He has a temper.
Adam: “I could see that M had a pink thong on.”
Golf Pro: Alrighty boys, It’s game time. Lemme give ya some tips on what to do and how to do it. “If you go out there and start stressing and worry about your _____ tonight, you may not get IT airbourne.”
Adam runs back to the bathroom.
(Tornado watch Interruption. You know what happens and I don’t care, so let’s skip ahead, shall we?)
Tareq is all dressed up, like Dorf on Golf.

He is losing, and gets mad that his mommy took away his teddy bear, so he takes the golf club, and violently throws it down, maiming three cameramen in the process. Bad Tareq, down boy!
Adam wins the private date. Which is a ride on a ..... glider. (Austin Powers: Yeah Baby, Does that make you Randy?)
Adam: “She doesn’t like _____ or tight _____, which is what the glider was.”
So he asks her some riddles. Cheers her up. Nice guy, no bashing here.
They eventually go on the glider, and the theme to Top Gun starts in, “Highway to the Danger Zone, gonna take it right into the Danger Zone, dah nah nah nat nat.”
M: “He took my _____ off a lot of crazy things.”
A: “When I realized how small the compartment was, I was so _____.”
M: “He’s such a good _____ - I was shocked.”

The Movie Trivia Competition

John is a nice guy. Brad has a plan to oust Zach by bad-mouthing him to M. So, John decides to take one for the team, pulls a Drake, throws the Immunity Challenge, and loses out on movie trivia (him being a producer’s assistant and all).
Brad: “I’m not one to talk bad about others.”
----- Questions from Movie Trivia ----------(I may have gotten these wrong too)
Which actor starred as:
1. The lead male in “From Justin to Kelly”?.................John: “Cuba Gooding, jr.”
2. The white man in “White Men Can’t Jump”?...........John: “Cuba Gooding, jr.”
3. Yoda in Star Wars, Episode 1? ..............................John: “Cuba Gooding, jr.”
You get the drift. I missed most of the Brad date, but I did see them in the limo. Was I the only one hoping for a sequel to the limo scene in “No Way Out, starring Kevin Costner”??? Yup.
Brad: I’m not one to talk bad about others, but........I’ll talk bad about others.
Brad: (about Zach) “you are not his ideal by any means”.
Mel: *bang bang* I like to shoot the messenger.


M: “I am like a hung _____. I don’t know what to do about tonight.”
Jerry: “I feel like s***.”
Tareq: Her realm of something cannot co-exist with my realm of existence and the data did not compute properly in my cerebral cortex region of inter-species cohabitation and internalization and my routers got all out of sync.
Brad: “It feels like your not _____ enough for a _____ & amazing woman.”

Willy Wonka parody, part Deux:
There’s no Earthly way of Knowing, which direction we are going,
There’s no Knowing what is growing - True Love, Ratings or Oat Sowing
Is it Fair? or Is it Cruel? Do you wish it instead it was Elise Sewell?
Yes! The Ratings must be growing
For A pink thong underwear is showing
And Zach’s head is sadly bowing
Cause he sees his chances blowing!
(Wonka screams. Chaos.)

3 Goofy.
3 Goofy Guys.
3 Goofy Guys, Great Girl.

3 Goofy Guys, Great Girl, 3 Gorgeous Gigolos.

Door opens.
Cue Music.
Mike from the Limo
Scott Wolf from Party of Five
And Antwoine from Deuce Bigolo.

by Kylie Minogue and Angelfood
La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x4)
I just can't get you out of my head
John, your lame song is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my bed
Zack, your looks are what I’m all about
La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x2)
I had a nightmare - the guys were naked
But, its more than I dare to think about
I just wish that I had Models instead
And the producers made it come about
Every tongue
Every date
I’d never know if you’re Gay
Won't you stay
Won't you stay
Stay forever and ever and ever ah ah
La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x4)
I just want someone handsome to Wed
Mike, your pecs are all I think about
Jason, you look like you’re good in bed
Alex, are you a gigolo or a lout?
See me haaaaaaaaaaaaaappppyyyyy
See me ooonnnnnnn TeeeeeVeeeeeee
Stay forever and ever and ever ah ah
La,la,la la,la,la,la,la (x4)
I just can't get you out of my head (La,la,la La,la,la,la,la)

Melana then gives the BIGGEST SMILE I’ve ever seen on a human being.
Fade to black....

Next time on Average Joe:
She dates the Models. She kisses the Models. Zach slams a door. John cries.
Jason: “I can’t believe it. I didn’t think we were gonna _____ on the first date!”


(water park)
chicken, burger, dog, milk, Coke
water chute
bathing suit

(Dune buggy)
I dunno. 2?
Neck and Shoulders. Woman. Lips.
(Tiger woods)
his golf swing.
Heights. Situations.
(Elim, Twist & Next Time)
Good. Beautiful.

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