Last episode on this lame reality show, we were introduced to "The Twist," in which three himbos joined the three original guys so that Melanoma could drool over them. But when Alex went psycho she axed him. Then she axed Jon because he was the ugliest of the bunch. Tonight, in an "Epic Twist" (not to be confused with that first twist, which apparently wasn't epic) we get to see what Melanoma is like when she isn't just ugly on the inside in an episode we like to call
"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk"
We begin the show by letting the four remaining men (Fatso, Prettyboy, Himbo, and Jerk) move into the house with Melanoma. In the first half of the show, she gets to go on two dates, each time with two guys, and then she will choose one for a little "private time." The first date will feature Fatso and Himbo. Some old lady makes cast masks for the men. Himbo enjoys this because it means Fatso won't get a chance to talk while his mask is drying. This gives Himbo (whose real name is actually "Darrah") a chance in this round since he virtually never talks. Melanoma takes a minute to pull Himbo aside and talk to him to see if there is anything more to him than his body. They have a very in-depth conversation in which Himbo manages to string two sentences together, a new record!
Next Himbo gets his mask done while Melanoma and Fatso go talk. Fatso tells Melanoma that he selfishly wants to go on the solo date and gives her a little kiss. Back the men go to make a mask for Melanoma. They then ask her a series of deep and probing yes/no questions while her mask is drying, learning that Melanoma has never had a one-night stand, never faked an orgasm, and never done a three-way. Bored by this turn of events, Fatso and Himbo both ask to be eliminated.
No, sadly the two saps still want to compete for the solo date so they trek off to a zoo where a guide introduces Melanoma to a bunch of animals, all of whom she is more likely to develop a long-term relationship than these two tools. Fatso asks numerous questions about the mating rituals of birds while Himbo (as usual) says nothing. At this point, Melanoma announces that she finds Fatso funny but wants to spend time with Himbo to get to know him better. Fatso returns all ticked off and comiserates with Prettyboy and Jerk. He is so upset that Melanoma picked Himbo that he is considering whether he wants to still be in the game. Gee, could somebody actually quit at this late juncture? The suspense is killing me!
Himbo thinks its kind of cool to spend some time alone with Melanoma. The two of them go to a private dining room among the leopards. Himbo finally "opens up" to Melanoma by asking her what her idea of a perfect date idea is. I didn't really pay attention to what she said because, frankly, who cares. Himbo then admits that some people think he is dumb because he's a model. But then when they hear him speak, they think he might be a little smarter than they had thought (emphasis on little). At the end of the date, he thanks Melanoma for keeping her and "being fun." Melanoma considers it a perfect date because it was "fun." Clearly, "fun" is a code word in this show for stupid and boring. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there is.
All right, let's see if we can generate some more sexual tension in the second date. Prettyboy and Jerk get to go sailing with Melanoma. Jerk says he wants to do everything he can to make Melanoma pick him. Prettyboy admits he's competing with Jerk and is pretty stressed about who Melanoma will pick. Melanoma gets a little alone time on the boat with both of them. She tells Prettyboy that he is beautiful and she loved kissing him, but she also admits that she has always liked Jerk. Melanoma then gets some alone time with her "big, strong crush" Jerk. She tells Jerk that she loves how manly he is, but is very torn between him and Prettyboy. Jerk says that he wants to go on the date and won't make it easy for her.
Suddenly it's decision time. Melanoma decides to be "fair" again. Since she's had 2 dates with Jerk and 1 with Prettyboy, she picks Prettyboy. She admits it was her "toughest decision yet." As soon as Jerk leaves, Prettyboy clams up in his best Himbo impression. Melanoma starts to think maybe she made the wrong choice. Jerk is ticked and says…Didn't we just see all of this with Fatso a few minutes ago? It's a repeat of that, go back and read that paragraph if you want to know how he feels.
Meanwhile, Prettyboy and Melanoma have a much more heated date than Himbo did featuring a lot of kissing on the boat. Then they take a 3 hour limo ride back to the hotel where they pop the cork on some champagne and continue to make out for hours on end, so much that they fog the windows. Gee, I wonder if Prettyboy will make it to the next round?