* 16 subjects created a new society to become King or Queen of the Amazon. * King Alex, two Ugly Stepsisters (a blonde named Heidi and a brunette named Jenna) and Alex's Counselor Rob basked in the glory of their alliance while Loyal Subject Butch, Christy-Ella, and Matthew a/k/a "Lurch" toiled away. * But when King Alex told Rob that he would probably execute him eventually, Rob joined with Christy-Ella, Lurch, and the Loyal Subject to execute Alex.
Six are left, does anybody who reads the spoiler boards even want to bother watching since we all know the Ugly Blond Stepsister is being voted out? Well find out anyway, in a fairy tale we call...
It was a dark and stormy night. Ugly Blonde Stepsister and Ugly Brunette Stepsister stood in numbed shock as King Rob ordered his evil henchman, Lurch, to restart the fire and begin his kingdom in a blaze of glory. Ugly Brunette Stepsister shook her head. She could not imagine what it would feel like to be betrayed because as a flat one-dimensional character she was incapable of feeling emotions about anyone other than herself. She could not imagine betraying someone because it was too difficult to remember all the way back to her own betrayal of Queen Deena three days prior.
King Rob made his first proclamation since taking public control. "I did not kill the old king because I didn't like him, but only because I thought he was a liar." Lurch too announced that he had been tired of being ordered around and lied to by King Alex. "Quiet you," said King Rob. "Get back to the fire. That's why I keep you around."
"All I wanted to say to the stepsisters," continued Lurch, "is that I'm not mad that they wanted to execute me. And nothing will change around here. I'll still do all the work, and they can lie around and do nothing." Not wanting to do any work, Ugly Brunette Stepsister nodded in agreement.
Later that night by the fire, Ugly Blonde Stepsister, with no options left, decided to break out the tears. "Please let me stick around King Rob. Why did you betray me? Don't execute me too."
"I'm sorry that you are upset," counseled King Rob in his usual condescending voice. "And I promise not to execute either of you for at least three more days. If either of you wants to stick around maybe you can start giving a bit more loving to the old counselor here, if you know what I mean" At this, Ugly Blonde Stepsister's fake tears suddenly turn real.
The next morning (Day 31), things were back to normal in the kingdom. The stepsisters slept. Lurch and Christy-Ella worked for the kingdom. Lurch suggested that the kingdom build a new "fire shelter" only this "fire shelter" would house "people and belongings" instead of "fire." He recommended calling it a "people and belongings" shelter. "Why not just call it shelter?" said Christy-Ella, but nobody ever listened to her because she wasn't as beautiful as the ugly stepsisters. The rain was pouring down, causing the Stepsisters to give up even the pretense of working and causing all the others to work double time.
The Stepsisters had their own plan, however. As the kingdom only had 6 subjects, if they could convince one of the others to keep them around, maybe somebody else would be executed in 3 days. For the first time since the kingdom had been founded, the Stepsisters noticed the existence of Christy-Ella.
"Christy-Ella!" shouted Ugly Brunette Stepsister. "Come over here and trust us." Basking in the glory of discovering that the Stepsisters actually knew her name, Christy-Ella deigned to respond.
"Christy-Ella, you know I have never once lied to you," said Ugly Blonde Stepsister.
"Well yes," said Christy-Ella, "but that's because you've never once spoken to me."
"There is a first time for everything," said Ugly Blonde Stepsister. "I just wanted you to know that after King Rob executes Ugly Brunette Stepsister and me, you are next. Is that really what you want? Wouldn't you rather take out King Rob and Lurch?"
"And the Loyal Subject," reminded Christy-Ella.
"Who?" said the Stepsisters simultaneously.
"Never mind," said Christy-Ella.
" Come on Christy-Ella," coaxed the Stepsisters. "Isn't better to form an "all-chick" kingdom than let the men form one? It would be liken unto the olden days when men and women were separate and we didn't have to do any work because our servants Joanna and Jeanne did everything for us."
"But you treated me like your servant too!" thought an exasperated Christy-Ella, hoping that someday her prince would come.
King Rob summoned Christy-Ella to private counsel to make sure she was still his trusty servant. Christy-Ella begged to stay in the King's good graces
"I'm a much harder worker in the kingdom than either Stepsister," she begged. Christy-Ella is still on the fence. But secretly she wondered, "Would I rather be the last female member of the kingdom or win the whole thing?" not realizing that the last female probably will win the whole thing. Only it won't be Christy-Ella (Foreshadowing #1!).
King Rob again summoned his trustworthy servants. Christy-Ella exchanged her spit (no, handshake spit, you and your dirty minds!) with King Rob, as well as with fellow servants Lurch, and the Loyal Subject before heading off to the beach at his behest, too meet an important messenger.
"Good tidings!" said the Messenger. "There are funds in the royal budget to permit one of the kingdom residents to receive a visit from an ancient family member whom the emperor has imprisoned in the United States. Because Emperor Burnett to whom you all owe fealty likes games, we shall play a game to determine the visitor. The game will require the six of you to dig oars out of the sand. The four who find oars can then row out to a "puzzle station" and answer a question. If correct, they can then row or swim back to start putting the puzzle together. The first one done will have their family member released from jail to spend time with you."
And so the games began. The Loyal Subject and Ugly Blonde Stepsister failed to find an oar while the others rowed and swam out to answer a question about snakes. Easy for King Rob. Lurch also knew the correct answer and in fact took a big lead in the game since, as the tribe fisherman, he was the only one in the kingdom who had ever used a boat before. It takes Lurch a long time at the puzzle station and King Rob nearly caught up, but in the end ‘twas Lurch who won.
The Messenger's hormones were getting to the best of him once again, as he saw the Stepsisters cry despondently at their loss. "Well," he said, "if Lurch gives up a visit from his mother, the others may all receive a few minutes with their loved one instead!" Lurch turns to King Rob, who ordered his subject to agree.
Five of the most boring and ordinary people you could ever imagine (who have no business being in our fairy tale) then burst onto the scene. Lurch was so touched, as he himself said "I feel like God." King Rob proclaimed a toast to Lurch, his trustworthy servant, and all then set to eating and drinking at the feast. Ugly Brunette Stepsister learned that her mother was now sick with shingles.
Christy-Ella could have cared less about that. Her peasant boyfriend had arrived! "I don't know if I'll win," she told him. "But I do know that I will survive at least 2 more executions." (Foreshadowing #2!)
The time came for the family to leave, but the Messenger had yet more news, announcing that it is better to give than to receive. Suddenly, Lurch's mother appeared. She really did look like the kind of woman you would expect to see in the IMPREGNATED BY ALIENS section of Weely World News and looked thrilled to "spend the night" with her son.
We will now pause from our main story to observe the brief comic interlude of Lurch and his mother, providing a break from the stress and drama of kingdom activity. Lurch's mother "clung to him" and all his manly assets closely as they entered a dark clearing. They admired the wonderful buffet and shared what can only be described as a romantic dinner, or as romantic as you can get when you're dealing with a half-man/half-monster and his incestuous mother during the family hour.
Lurch has described his relationship with his mother as "the conventional mother-son relationship where your father is an alien who only manages to drop by Earth once a millennium or so," and who are we to disagree? Lurch's mother cried a little and got emotional, relieved to finally be able to talk to him with him present, as opposed to her usual speeches to him when he isn't around. Lurch's mother than asked him to get ‘a little less formal." A group of half-naked people showed up to perform some sexual dance, encouraging Lurch and his mother to join in as the scene faded to black. We'll let the reader's imagination fill in the details. All Lurch would reveal to this storyteller as an excuse for his actions was that the music was "hypnotic."
Meanwhile, the other members of the kingdom took all the wine provided by the Messenger back to camp. King Rob then announced that the festivities would continue with a bathing suit party in which he and the Ugly Stepsisters were all to wear bikinis and Speedos. Yes, it was King Rob in a Speedo, and not even on Halloween. Looking at the sight caused the Loyal Subject to get crazy drunk and eventually puke and soil himself. With Loyal Subject and Crhisty-Ella passed out, King Rob sang his favorite song to the Ugly Stepsisters to win them back under his spell.
The next morning King Rob came to reevaluate his plan for his kingdom. He had originally planned to keep Lurch around, but now decided he might have to execute him because he was getting too popular with the other subjects. Instead, he cast around for somebody less popular in the kingdom than himself and seized on the only likely candidate...Ugly Brunette Stepsister. King Rob summoned Ugly Brunette Stepsister to his private chamber and told her that he wanted to take her along to the end while executing everybody else (including Ugly Blonde Stepsister) for that very reason. Ugly Brunette Stepsister, however, wasn't really buying it, and runs back to tell all to Ugly Blonde Stepsister.
Ugly Blonde Stepsister was then summoned to private counsel. King Rob told her that his Mother was extremely proud of him for screwing everybody over and that she would be executed next. Ugly Blonde Stepsister cried and walked away.
"Hey!" said King Rob as he walked back to camp, "I admit that I'm a jerk but I make no apologies."
At this point, Ugly Brunette Stepsister blew up, announcing to all the servants King Rob's plan is to take her to the end and vote all the servants out. Then she looked in the mirror and announced "I don't care about personal relationships, I only care about myself." She combed her hair, primped herself up, and ignored the heated argument she had started.
King Rob reaffirmed to the servants that he was a lying jerk, but since they already knew that none of them get too exorcised. Cinder-Ella was actually laughing at the fact that her Stepsisters are freaking out, secure in her own power (Foreshadowing #3!).
"Look, let's end this" says Ugly Blonde Stepsister, briefly channeling Squire Silas of Arfica. "King Rob is getting ahead because he's screwing everybody over in ways that people who have ethics (a category in which I would include myself in the delusional world I live in) would not. And as long as keeps doing it, he will win the game. End of story." King Rob nods knowingly. The servants looked puzzled by this allegation, so King Rob decided to summon each of them in turn to private counsel.
First up was the Loyal Subject, who reaffirmed that he would gladly vote to execute one of the Ugly Stepsisters. Lurch was a little more suspicious of King Rob's motives at his meeting, but he was glad to hear that Christy-Ella was still with them and again swore his fealty. Meanwhile, Ugly Blonde Stepsister confronted Christy-Ella.
"Will you stick with us?" she asked.
"I'll have to think about it," said Christy-Ella, but privately she knew that she wouldn't After all, they had been so cruel to her since they first grabbed power in the Women's Kingdom. They were only talking to her because she had the power, that almighty power (Foreshadowing #4).
The Messenger again summoned the subjects of the kingdom to the kitchen. This time he announced that he had gotten new dinnerware and he would like them all to destroy his old plates. He had labeled the plates with individual names. The best performers at the destruction game would get the most medallions to use in a fun game of shuffleboard. And the winner of that game would receive the beautiful necklace, the wearer of whom is prohibited by order of the Emperor from being executed.
Hilarity ensued as plates with the subjects' names were broken. Ugly Brunette Stepsister had the most plates broken of all, though some were by the Loyal Subject and Lurch, who apparently just liked smashing things, secure in their place in the kingdom.
The goal of the shuffleboard game was to land closest to the X. A good time was had by all as the subject's pucks were knocked closer and further away by each other. The last puck of all belonged to Ugly Brunette Stepsister. At that point, it was Ugly Blonde Stepsister who was closest to the X, and Ugly Brunette Stepsister could either push her out of the way or protect her. Noone was surprised when she pushed it out and claimed the beautiful necklace for herself.
Back at camp, King Rob became paranoid because he had been unable to secure an oath of fealty from Christy-Ella or ensure that she was still agreeable to the execution of Ugly Blonde Stepsister. Christy-Ella, though, decided she was tired of cleaning the "fire shelter" and building things. Instead, she basked in her newfound power, acting as if she were not humble Christy-Ella but Queen Christy the Great...and so she would be, as she had learned earlier, until the clock struck midnight. She decided to make King Rob sweat just a little bit and refused to commit to an oath.
"Instead said," Christy-Ella, "I will not say yea or nay to the execution until the time of the ball itself."he gets to the ball itself.
King Rob, however, was terrified that Queen Christy would defect and attempt to formally seize power, as he had done from Queen Deena and King Alex. So at the last minute, completely out of nowhere, King Rob chose to summon Ugly Blonde Stepsister to his chamber.
"Ugly Blonde Stepsister, let us make this easy on everyone. I am going to bring you and your evil stepsister and back into my good graces and vote against Christy-Ella."
Ugly Blonde Stepsister, looked up from the Milshaky she had smuggled into the kingdom and shrugged her shoulders. "Well I hate Christy-Ella, so why not go back to the evil man I started this with?" Ah gentle readers, the plot twists never end here in the kingdom.
But of course, we've seen all this countless times before in other kingdoms. Our hopes are raised and then dashed. And this is a fairy tale for good little boys and girls, which must have a happy ending. That means that this nefarious plan must come to naught and that Ugly Blonde Stepsister will be taking her walk, followed by King Rob, Christy-Ella, and the Loyal Subject.
To the execution chamber. The ghosts of the last 3 executions returned. The Executioner announced the time as come, but not before getting all the subjects to admit that they had doubts they would make it this far.
So "Ugly Brunette Stepsister," asks the Executioner, "why would anybody want to vote you out?"
Ugly Brunette Stepsister shrugged her shoulders. "People judge me on my outside looks I guess and don't see the shallow manipulative b!tch I really am. Heck, I've had to work twice as hard washing my buff out her to stay Beautiful."
"Fortunately, I'm not beautiful," interjects King Rob. "Therefore, I'm not as handicapped as the Stepsisters are. I think Christy-Ella has a handicap too, but I'm not sure whether it's deafness or hubris. In any event, I came here to be the king. If I'm not king at the end, I'd rather be executed."
"Harsh words, King Rob," said the Executioner. "And Christy-Ella is there a line you won't cross to win?"
"Gosh, I don't know," replied Christy-Ella. "It doesn't really matter at this point since I'm in the driver's seat. ‘Tis I who will decide who is executed tonight." (Foreshadowing!!!!!!)
The Executioner raised his eyebrows at that point and glance at the other subjects, but he didn't bother to follow up. Christy-Ella was looking radiant at the ball. Instead, he turned to the Ugly Brunette Stepsister, and inquire about her necklace.
" Ugly Brunette Stepsister, that necklace looks beautiful on you. Want to give it up?"
"Actually, it clashes with my dark skin tones," said the Ugly Brunette. "I think it would look much better on my stepsister." She passed off the necklace to the puzzled looks of the others.
It was time for the execution.
Christy-Ella voted for the Ugly Brunette with glee. "You're getting your wish," she said, "to go to a better place. Maybe there you can be beautiful and happy. I will be beautiful and happy here."
The Loyal Subject also voted for the Ugly Brunette: "I'm staying loyal to King Rob and his very strong Alliance all the way."
The Executioner announced that the time had come, and Christy-Ella suddenly heard the toll of a church bell far off in the distance.
The Executioner read the votes. Ugly Brunette Ugly Brunette Christy-Ella Kristy-Ella Christie-Ella Christy-Ella
So Christy's prince was not coming after all. The Ugly Blonde Stepsister and King Rob shook their heads and chuckled, as the clock struck midnight and Christy-Ella was beheaded before their eyes.
No fair readers you were all deceived. For this is a Grim fairy tale indeed. And a true Grim fairy tale is for bad boys and girls who rely too much on others and not enough on their own wits to spoil. And those fairy tales always end badly. Lo, the Execution has come. And there is no glass slipper for Christy-Ella.