Previously on Survivor... women won, women won, Daniel lost. If you need more details, read last week’s summary by AMAI or Gay Survivor Journal. They are both hilarious and feature many references to gratuitous nudity.
Jaburu – Day 10
Ah, morning in the Amazon. What a great time to sleep in, rest, relax, sharpen a machete. Joanna and Jeanne are up and about, ready for a day of hard work while the rest of the tribe is still dreaming. The women slowly awake to the sound of Joanna honing her machete, her muscles, and her plan to take them out one by one.
Jeanne tells us that the tribe should be enthusiastic to work today because there is so much to be done. Question Jeanne: Is anyone ever really enthusiastic to work when they’ve been living off of maggots and small fish for a week? She wonders what today’s daily goal is and tells us that the tribe usually accomplishes it. May I suggest some daily goals, Jeanne? 1. Get an alliance with more than one person. “Me and You Against the World” is a song, not a good game strategy. 2. Get the “big girls” to gang up on the “little girls” and force them into an equitable portion of the work. 3. Misuse the word “initiate” a few more times. We think it’s funny.
Which brings us to How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #1: Do nothing to contribute to the well-being of others. When the lazier people finally wake up, they give us their opinions of Joanna’s and Jeanne’s industriousness. It seems to be getting on everyone’s nerves, especially Shawna’s. We know this because Shawna took a poll in her slam book (see tip #3), and she gave Joanna and Jeanne the highest “they-bug-me” rating. We also get a peek into Heidi’s thoughts. “It’s always been put in our heads that the harder worker gets ahead . . . but this is a game . . . figure out what gets you ahead in the game.” Now we know why Heidi is a gym teacher, not a motivational speaker. I think we’ve also figured out that she is S6’s Brian in female form. Unfortunately for Heidi, she’s not as smooth as Brian and she will strategize herself onto the jury.
Tambaqui – Day 10
Butch, Dave and Matthew are doing what most guys would like to do given a month of Saturdays – they’re fishing. Dave’s tummy is rumbling and he’s a little concerned that minnows can’t keep the tribe alive. Actually, if you caught enough of them, they would. But Tambaqui is a bit desperate for some real food since they’ve gotten all the nutrition possible from Daniel’s steroid-laden corpse.
Dave, fighting the sheer boredom that is always a result of fishing, delights all with a limerick: There once were three guys in a boat Left early with spirits afloat Looking for bass Sat on their ass Luck as good as Rob’s jokes
Okay, Dave, buddy, may I make a couple of suggestions? 1. Poetry really isn’t necessary. Trista chose Ryan, and no silly limerick will top endless tributes to her eyes. 2. The rhyming pattern in a limerick is AABBA, not AABBC. 3. I’ll give you a break on the whole plural "their"/singular "ass" thing in line 4 because I agree with the sentiment in line 5.
As stated in Dave’s poetry, the men return empty-handed and, being better hunters than fishermen, decide to catch plenty of worms for bait. This leads to How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #2: Piss and moan about being the odd man out. Not that Matthew’s out yet, but mark my words, he will be. Oh yes, he will be. While most of the men bond over feisty worm catching (is there a specific name for this activity?), Matthew slinks off to his own corner of the Amazon. He confides that he’s being intentionally excluded. Fortunately, his ego can take it. I have a feeling that his ego is big enough to take a lot of things, not the least of which is rejection.
Back to Jaburu
Jaburu’s work disbursement is all that the women can talk about. Well, maybe not all, which leads to How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #3: Revert to junior high school mentality. Heidi and Jenna have now proven to North America that they haven’t mentally matured past the age of 14. I would love to hear a qualified therapist analyze these two. I believe that Heidi and Jenna are fixated more on their own bodies than Rob is on them. Heidi can’t seem to get past the idea that Jaburu is about the cute little girls vs. the ugly big girls. I now believe that she is more self-centered than evil Penny has ever dreamed of being. Jenna thinks that women hate her because she has a nice body. Okay girls, join Jeanne and Dave in receiving help from my suggestion box. 1. Having 0% body fat and bolt-on breasts isn’t the body that every woman wants or for which every man lusts. Eat a sandwich and contemplate how shallow you are. 2. Joanna isn’t my favorite Amazon survivor, but she has a better body and facial bone structure than either of you. Compare pics of each other when you are 60. Joanna will still be pretty and you will be hags. 3. Just for Heidi – You’re a teacher. Every girl in your PE classes has just heard that if she is a “big” girl, she’s not worthy of your respect and consideration. Grow the hell up.
Now off soapbox.
Shawna admits to feeling a bit guilty for doing jack sh*t, but her guilt is quickly cast aside by Heidi’s admonition to keep in the game. It’s about this time that JHS start doing their math. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3. Hmmm, I think we need four to control the vote. The young lovelies decide to go after Deena as their fourth because she’s 35, a wife and mom, and a professional with an advanced degree who has extensive experience in trapping people in deception and exposing them for the crap that they are. What a great decision! I’m so relieved that they didn’t immediately go for Christy who is young, vulnerable and so desperate to be accepted by them that she’s likely to do whatever they say. Obviously none of these girls are rocket scientists, but more about rocket scientists later.
Tambaqui – Day 11
How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #4 is so obvious I tripped right over it: Talk about your forte. Matthew’s forte is fishing. I’ll bet he has forty fortes, all of which we will probably hear about prior to his trip to Loser Lodge. He’s out forte-ing with Dave and Alex, desperately trying to rebuild bridges burned by Ryan and Daniel. It’s very fortunate for Matthew (hereafter Mateo, which is a sexier name and he needs at least one sexy quality) that he catches a large fish. We now know of another of Mateo’s fortes, ichthyologic identification. His catch is a peacock bass, which is not to be confused with sea bass, bass-tards or peacocks.
Upon his triumphant return to camp, Mateo lets everyone know that there is good news and bad news. The good news is that he didn’t pull a Talented Mr. Ripley and kill Tambaqui’s two remaining pieces of eye candy with an oar. The bad news is that he’s going to smell like fish for awhile. Mateo smells like fish, Roger smells like vinegar. If someone else smells like fried potatoes, they can all close their eyes, inhale deeply, pretend they’re in an Irish pub and act like a canteen of boiled Amazon swill is really a pint of Guinness. Mmmm, Guinness.
This episode’s reward challenge seems vaguely familiar. Fires are being lit, ropes burning, stuff dropping. We’ve seen it before. The prize, however, is unprecedented. Which leads to How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #5: Drop names to curry favor and establish influence. Our sexy host Jeff reveals the big reward. This prize is a fully functioning refrigerator full of Coke. And not just Classic Coke, but Vanilla Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke with Lemon, Special Edition Amazon Coke, Cran-Apple Coke, Berry Explosion Coke, and the last three existing cans of New Coke which Jeff’s mom unsuccessfully listed on ebay for two years.
“Is there any Diet Coke?” Heidi pipes in. “We cute little girls would really like Diet Coke.”
“No, Heidi,” Jeff responds with a wink and a smile, “there isn’t any Diet Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Coke with Lemon or any other variety of Diet Coke. We thought it redundant given that you’re eating only what you can find within 50 feet of your campsite.”
The challenge is off to a quick start for the women. They are able to burn through two ropes and release the two top portions of their banner before the men burn through any of their ropes. During the women’s work on the third rope, however, the men are able to set fires and burn through all four of their ropes, releasing all four panels to reveal their banner. The men sacrificed their bodies, or at least the hair on their bodies, to block the wind from their fires. This led to Jeff giving an uncontracted product reference to Nair Hair Removal Products. As this reference wasn’t completely negative for the Nair Corporation (all publicity is good publicity, right?), the Nair Corporation has decided not to file suit against Mark Burnett’s production company.
I really wish Burnett had made the challenge a little more interesting. Would the men have been in such a hurry to win if the women’s banner had been a huge picture of a bikini-clad Heidi doing a handstand? Would the women have been a bit more motivated to burn their final two ropes if the men’s banner had been a picture of a nude Mateo holding his peacock bass in a strategic location?
Anyway, the men win and send the women back to Jaburu camp without a Coke or a smile. BTW, about the fully functioning refrigerator: 1. Thank goodness it’s fully functioning, because it’s so hard to find an appliance repairman that far upriver. 2. A freaking refrigerator? Are you kidding me? Why not just give them army surplus tents and air conditioning units, for cripes sake!
Back at Jaburu
Having lost the Reward Challenge, the women return to their refrigeratorless hovel for a bit of a pity party. This brings on How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #6: Whine, cry and threaten to quit. Shawna, having felt the loss of the Coke the hardest (again confirmed by her rating in the slam book), begins to channel the spirit of TAR3’s Flo. She whines, she cries, she threatens to quit. She feels that she’s crashing and that her body is sucking the last of her energy from her left toe. I really think she ought to check her toe, because chances are it is just Rob trying to find her erogenous zones. He’s consulted the M8B and “all signs point to yes” for a RobJHS foursome now that Ryan and Daniel are out of the picture.
Shawna accurately feels that she is being a blubbering idiot. Deena tries to speak reasonably with her about hydration, irrigation, precipitation, something to do with water, but Shawna is beyond reason. Everyone pretty much agrees that Shawna needs to pull it together for the good of the alliance, but our sniveling redhead (not Lucille Ball) is about ready to call it quits.
Back at Tambaqui
The mood in Tambaqui camp is great. In fact, it hasn’t been this good for all of 24 hours, when the men came back from voting out Daniel. The refrigerator is waiting for them with 23 Cokes, Vanilla Cokes, Cherry Cokes, etc. The refrigerator also has a camera in it. What the heck? Is this now standard in new refrigerators? What exactly is MB hoping to film? Did he learn from the granola bar incident that it’s good TV to go ahead and put cameras in closed containers?
The men, being highly educated, find the reading on a can of Coke to be highly entertaining and all look forward to reading it again in the semi-privacy of their ramshackle restroom facility.
The Coke goes well with the fish that Mateo caught earlier. They pick it over as well as Chuay Ghan did the chicken. Mateo, being multi-cultural in spirit, plays the role of Shii Ann and eats the parts of the fish that the white folks won’t touch. I take the same stand that I took in Thailand: If it’s got protein and calories, eat it. People who are eating one manioc cake a day don’t have the luxury of refusing to eat any edible part of the fish.
Dave sums everything up by saying that Day 11 was the perfect Survivor day. Unfortunately, it is followed by a hellish night. It’s time for How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #7: Sing Karaoke. We’ve known for quite awhile now that Rob spends the majority of his Saturday nights alone. Now we know what he does. He sings karaoke in his basement. OMH. Now, I’m not knocking karaoke completely. There is a time and a place for this cultural phenomenon. The time is when you are completely blasted on 7&7s; the place is in a smoky little bar three towns away from anywhere you are likely to be seen in real life. Make that four towns.
Rob, being a vocally-impaired lothario, thus making him a perfect match for Christy rather than Heidi, has been practicing a song for the laaaydeeees. Someone asks if it is Sir Mix-a-lot’s “I Like Big Butts,” and I really wish it had been. Can you imagine JHS’s horror at being serenaded a song that goes completely against their world view? Rob’s choice, “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling,” is more fitting and predictable. I imagine he sings this song a lot. Poor guy. Roger appreciates his enthusiasm, but says what we all think. Rob is pathetic. He does, however, ask an interesting question. What happens to 8 guys when there are no women around? I’ll let any of the gay men who frequent these message boards take this one. I’m a wife and mom and am unqualified to answer it.
Jaburu at some god-awful hour of the night
The women receive tree mail. It’s a freeze-dried piranha, the kind astronauts eat, with a note about fishing super early in the morning. This just doesn’t sound like fun to me even though Jeanne is convinced the women will kick butt and Deena makes some weird attacking piranha sound.
The Immunity Challenge was a fishing contest. The tribes had one hour to catch as much piranha as possible with a pole, bait, knife, pliers, hooks and string. Jeff tells us that piranhas will take off a finger. Okay, am I mistaken or did the commercials for Survivor show some guy on the beach jumping back from the water and screaming “Ouch!” (only it sounded agonizing)? Why didn’t we see this in the challenge? Did someone lose a digit or not? If piranhas are involved, I want blood!
Now, I find fishing to be exceptionally boring. So therefore I’ll just give the highlights of the hour with very brief commentary.
Highlight 1: Jeff asks Heidi about fishing strategy. She explains that she is cutting up the small piranhas they catch so Joanna can use them to attract larger fish. Risking a little weight for the chance of greater weight, Jeff points out. Excuse me, Heidi, did you not see that your tribe got a jar of bait from the producers? Was that bait not cute enough or little enough for you? What a dumb strategy! Please God, let the women lose.
Highlight 2: How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #8: Point out the obvious. Jenna reels in a piranha. “I got a fish, guys. Help! It’s a piranha.” I’m thinking that Jenna didn’t listen to Jeff’s intro to the challenge too well. How many times did he say “infested with piranha,” “teeming with piranha,” or “heavy concentrations of piranha”?
Highlight 3: Pieces of conversations taken out of context. Jeff: Nice and tight, right in here. Dave: Got one. Rob: D’ya jerk it hard? Dave: Yeah, straight up. Mateo: It’s small but it counts. Mateo: Hey, can you give me a hand here?
Highlight 4: Dave explaining the “dynamic combination of Roger and Dave.” “In terms of rocket science, as soon as Roger gets fish in the boat, I apply a large force with the bottom of my heel. We switch poles, I re-bait the hook and go again.” Is this all there is to rocket science? This must be the best kept secret in all of the sciences. For some reason, I thought rocket science involved aerodynamics, thrust and drag, vector analysis, chemical formulas of diverse propellants, and complex mathematical equations. If it’s just stepping on fish heads and baiting hooks, I should have gone for my degree in physics and applied to NASA after all.
Highlight 5: Christy bludgeoning a piranha with glee. This was just funny. I’m sure the PETA people have added it to their list of offenses committed by Jaburu. Don’t forget the two tarantulas.
Highlight 5: The men win. I’m glad, because most of the women drive me absolutely crazy.
Jaburu – Day 12
It’s major strategy day at Jaburu. The women are going to Tribal Council and decisions must be made about who (whom?) to send home. Shawna is just plain tuckered out, reeling from one end of the shelter to the other, and is half-convinced to sell herself out for the relief of Loser Lodge. Jeanne starts taking on a mama role for Shawna and sits with her while she’s not feeling well. Jenna, Deena and Heidi work to cover their bases, deciding that helping Shawna isn’t top priority, keeping the alliance together is. Shawna, picking up on the bad vibes, feels she’s being bumped from the alliance and threatens to make a decision on her own. This is a major revelation for Shawna. Up to now, she’s been Jenna and Heidi’s puppy. I’m really hoping that she throws a wrench in the whole thing and sends a vote Jenna or Heidi’s way.
Christy is dragged into the fray by the evil duo. Here is How to Lose A Person’s Respect in 10-12 Days tip #9: Say things you don’t mean for your own benefit (a Survivor necessity). Heidi approaches Christy with the argument that keeping Shawna in the game is good for Christy. By getting rid of Joanna and voting with the pack, Christy is securing her own position in the game. What Heidi didn’t tell her is that Heidi sees Christy’s position as somewhere around 10 or 11. Close to jury, but not close enough to damage Heidi if she is in the final two. Christy, showing a bit of a troubled conscience, admits that it is a bummer that Shawna isn’t feeling well and that it’s not very nice to trap her in the game.
I say, let Shawna go. She’s sick, mentally and physically spent, and needs to eat and sleep. Joanna is a physical help while you are still fighting the men for reward and immunity. She is in an alliance of two and can be easily taken out a little further down the road.
This was the friendliest Tribal Council so far. The women were all pleasant, there was no blame being distributed, people who had issues kept them silent and Deena’s frank speech was well received. It was dull, so I’m choosing to remember and report it differently.
Jeff: Heidi-Ho, you’ve lost two challenges in a row. What do you have to say about that? Heidi: You’re 40, right? That puts you firmly in the “old” category. I don’t have to talk to old people if I don’t want to.
Jeff: Jeanne, does everyone do their fair share of work? Are there assignments or do you follow a routine? Jeanne: WTF? Have you been watching the daily clips? Do you see that Joanna and I are working our asses off . . . Heidi: Your fat asses. Joanna: Watch it blondie or I may show you the business side of my machete.
Jeff: Joanna, you’re a mom in the real world. Have you been taking a maternal role around camp? Joanna: Jeff, the only maternal role I want to take with these girls is the role of Medea. If you’ve studied Greek mythology, you know what I mean.
Jeff: Deena, since you’re the leader, you must have a pretty good idea of who is doing well and who isn’t. Deena: Well Jeff, that depends on how you define “well.” I’m an attorney, therefore the best educated person present, and I have an entire book on the definition of “well.” But for the layman, I will say that Christy is no longer a colossal, moody pain in the ass and Shawna is about to be the first Survivor to actually expire on camera. I am representing Shawna and will have a lawsuit on behalf of her family filed prior to the merge.
Jeff (looking nervously in Mark Burnett’s direction): Okay, let’s vote.
Heidi: I’m voting for Joanna. She’s in her 30s and not cute and little. Shawna: Mystery – but we find out later it’s for Christy Jeanne: Shawna, you need TLC and you’re a great kid. Well, not that great. You do hang out with Jenna and Heidi. Jenna: Mystery – but we find out later it’s for Joanna Joanna: Shawna, but only because you asked me to and I don’t have my machete handy to put you out of your misery. Christy: Mystery – but we find out later it’s for Joanna. Baaa! Sheep. Deena: Joanna, you’re an incredibly strong woman. But I still think I could take you.
Jeff goes to tally the votes. Which he doesn’t actually do. He just reshuffles them for dramatic effect and reads them. Jaburu has spoken and it looks like Joanna’s Hallelujah’s are going to Loser Lodge. Buh-bye.
Next time on Survivor
Shawna slips into a coma and Dave gets lucky with Jenna. Now if that biting piranha clip is in the show, there would be drama, sex and violence. Woohoo!