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Survivor: The Amazon - Episode 3 Summary

'Magic 8 Ball, Does She Want Me?' By AMAI

Previously on Survivor... two ugly bigoted nasty people proved that the barrel of hateful contestants is a bottomless one.

Joanna's creepy Christianity made Ghandia look like a sweetheart, while Roger's "sex is only for procreation" speech made Ghandia seem rational.

Jabbers won fish bait as reward. Whether they figure out how to use it is yet to be revealed. So far, they appear to have been trying to make friends with the fish. As a means of catching dinner it's not working. (But PETA is happy.) They may as well try dumping the whole pile of rotting whatever-it-is at river's edge to entice the fish to mosey over for a look-see so the hapless women can then "catch" dinner with the machete.

Tammybacks proved they work better alone at challenges, especially challenges in which knowing the names of anything but their tribemates is what's required. The Catty Cathys (oops, I better specify - I mean Jabbers) were sent to Tribal Council, where half of them voted for different players and half voted for Janet the sick old one. Tonight I hope we learn MB planted that granola bar. Jabbers Tribe still has no shelter and no fish, but their "integrity" is intact cuz they didn't eat forbidden food.

D'oh, d'oh d'oh dozy d'oh. Oompa-loompah ho ho ho.

Day 7 begins with Rob saying, "On the 7th day the Lord said rest. Not us." Roll tape of guys hard at work ripping the rainforest to pieces so they can repair their leaky roof. They pull down vines and cut down trees, they skip & jump, they go to the lavatory, they put on women's clothing and -- sorry. Monty Python "Lumberjack Song" goes so perfectly with this bunch of Gossiping Gordons.

Rob, Head Nerd, still can't imagine that the girls have a shelter comparable to theirs. He pounds his chest for all his tribe. We Men. We Build Awesome Structure. That's What We Do, We Build.

Roger is an ass and he's very good at it. He approaches Daniel and hums and haws. "Er, uh, Dan, how 'bout doing something? You go collect water. Hoist this 5 gallon drum, hold it like this. Aww forget it, I'll go do it myself."

Cuddly sloth Magilla II slumbers in the trees while Roger grumbles and stumbles over to collect water. He's hot under the collar because of Dan. Roger says he is tempted to slap the kid around. Yeah, cuz that always improves performance and attitude.

Dan complains that Roger barks orders. Wait til he b!tchslaps you, pal.

With the voice-overs ringing in our ears, the next thing we see is of the two of them seated on the same log facing opposite ways. It's an incredibly tiny camp, I guess, for the two who dislike each other the most to have to sit side by side. I'm getting confused signals. It looks like love to me - grumble grumble, sit togayther.

Dan says he's almost at the point of giving Roger a kung fu chop. This is too stereotypical to be real. We Men. We Settle Dispute With Punch Em Up.

Matthew and Dan have found each other, as I predicted. Matt tries to cool Dan down, saying, "Don't let him get to you." Then I was pleased to see the subtitles onscreen because these two were kind of mumbling into their boots. That is, until I realized they were talking in Chinese and I was going to have to read what they were saying.

Except what they were saying was SO boring that I kept nodding off and missed it. All I know is they were talking alliance, or rather, Matt was talking alliance. Matt talked so much I was thinking he has better Chinese than Dan the Asian Man. That is, until Matt doesn't know the word for "firm" and Dan has to help out. Matt is very scary looking and has a weird accent.

Over at Jabbers, it is "ewwy." We're treated to the sounds of a garbage dump. The drone of insects, feeding, and Jeanne informs us that a bunch of Joanna's relatives dropped by. Yes, there are wasps all over everything. Jeanne says, "The hygiene of the camp is lacking." And after all that laundering of the buffs, who'd a thunk?

Another tarantula has decided that the now moldy manioc is worth investigating. Bad idea, Mr. Tarantula. He gets attacked by the frightened girls.

The girls ARE trying to get it together. What they need is a Group Song. "Keep People Together" by Madonna. Jeanne says we need wood and we need to keep the fire going. So Deena is hacking up wood, but her priority is water. So Jenna's collecting water but her priority is food. Joanna snarks something: her priority is being a b!tch.

Jeanne is anxious to get a meeting happening to allegedly get things in order. Shawna is sleeping, but they wake her up so she can attend. At the meeting, Jeanne says the group needs to initiate a leader and nominates Deena. Then Jeanne tells us in a confessional that she and Joanna decided to nominate Deena for leader so as to put her in the hot seat. They figure that due to Deena's hot-headedness, it won't be long before she draws some not-so-friendly fire.

Deena tells us she isn't keen to be leader, but will accept it because the tribe needs someone to organize.

Heidi gets to blather about how Jabberwocky is such a good group together at challenges. It's a lacklustre gathering of the hands to show unity at "Jaburau Jaburu Jaburu rock."

Reward challenge time. Jif is looking forward to this, I can tell. The drool gave him away. I'm not so keen. And I know a lot of viewers don't watch the "dating game" shows like Joe Millionaire and The Bachelorette. However, MB obviously does.

What a titter. It's a match game. "Wanna know whatcha playin' for?" I hate that stupid question. Of course they bloody want to know. Sheesh. They're playing for toiletries: baskets of shampoo, deodorant, soap, nail clippers, toothbrush, pumice stone, eyelash curlers, conditioner, moisturizers, nail polish. The Guys SO want to win.

Each player has a basket with 5 items in it. The idea is a player from one tribe asks a player from the other tribe if his (or her) basket contains some item. If yes, the asker gets a matched pair for his or her tribe. If no, whoever does have one has to remember who asked when the turn comes round. It's Go Fish and Concentration blended together for a whole "newish" challenge, and it's hilarious to watch the coyness and the cooing and the sighing and the moaning of the Guys; the girls are all business-like.

Here's a bit to give you an idea. Shawna asked for soap and didn't get it. When his turn came, Dan asked Shawna for soap and scores. His voice-over comments reflect that his mind was much more on catching Shawna's eye and on his views re his chances for scoring something more than soap "at a time & place to be named later."

Joanna asks for shampoo and doesn't get it. When his turn comes, Roger asks Joanna for shampoo and gets it along with a nasty look. On and on for a good 10-15 minutes. Tammybacks surge ahead at first but it didn't take long for them lose the use of their big heads at the little heads took over. Alex calls for something from Jenna and Jif wants to know how Alex knows her name. "I pay attention to detail," says Alex. "I just know her name cuz I do." Explains why previous challenges were lost, anyway.

The guys are so busy keeping track of smiles, eye glances, and t!ts and ass that they lose track of who asked for what, who just made a matched pair. Soon their early lead is squandered as they make mistakes and Jabberwockies have 18 matched pairs to Tammybacks' 14 and have won the reward.

After commercial it's night 7 and we're with the Tammys. Rob the Delusional One is excited cuz he thinks some of the girls want to get with him. Dave says he'll give up his sleeping space so Rob can get with the girl of his choice. Dave knows that he will never actually have to honour that promise.

Rob says Heidi is a 9 1/2 in real life but she's looking like a 6 and dropping. In the corner of the screen is Heidi as she was on Day 1 and then Heidi now. She's looking poorly, with stringy hair, and wild animal eyes. Actually, just the hair is different.

Dan thinks Shawna digs him. Rob doesn't like Joanna and her praising Jesus shtick. Obviously we weren't shown it this time, but it's why we were beaten over the head with it last episode. Alex likes Jenna and her engaging stare. Dave likes Jenna: "She is a gorgeous individual - her butt is so sexy." Butch SAYS he didn't consider Jenna a hottie. "I'm 60 and not supposed to look at things like that but I'm not dead yet either." LOL. So does he fancy Jenna or not?

The hype for this episode was so misleading. It looked like the girls were getting ready for their "date," when in fact the breast washing came after the "date" when they'd won the bathing products.

It's Day 8 and the ladies have divided into two groups, the not-hot oldsters and the hot young chickies. Although Christy is the same age as Heidi, Shawna and Jenna, she's not invited to be part of their cute girl group. Christy looks and acts like an oldie, so she has to hang with Deena and Jeanne.

I don't recall seeing who Joanna bathed with. Probably nobody. She's such a skank that she didn't bathe. I'm probably developing a blind spot where Joanna is concerned. She was very under the radar this ep, but since I'm trying to avoid looking at her, I don't see her even when she's right there.

Deena informs her bath-mates that she is losing her hair. Is it any wonder we don't spend much time with this set of bathing fuglies? I like Deena, but not like that.

Christy says, "Oh the cute girls go off to check each other out." She mimics, "Is that a spot of dirt on you?" (wipe wipe) LOL

A lot of time is devoted to watching Heidi, Shawna & Jenna bathing their breasts, stretching out their long lean thighs, arching their backs. Survivor is turning into Playboy At The Rainforest, obviously trying to cash in on the whole dating game turn that reality tv has taken. One of the girls says, "We're the cuter girls. We have better bodies." And we're not snobby or bitchy or mean at all.

They kind of get topless, but they all hold their breasts obviously not trusting the cameras to put those blurry circles. Why didn't they let each other see their t!tties? Why didn't they? I'm just asking on behalf of all the horny guys out there

Shawna said she felt so good to be partially naked in the Amazon River and Heidi said that she is looking forward to bathing with the guys. "If the guys' minds are distracted by the boobs, then that gives me a chance to move one step ahead."

At the bitchier Tammyback camp, keeping up with the gossip queens is a full-time job. Matt tells Dave that taking out Dan is the buzz, but Roger would be the better choice. Dave says Dan would be the better choice.

Alex tells Rob there's a certain someone who ought to be taken away and it's Roger. Matt tells Dave that based on personalities, Roger is the one to get rid of. Dave doesn't trust anybody. Matt says I don't trust Alex. Dave doesn't trust him either. D'uh. You just said you don't trust anybody, Dave. It takes more than a rocket scientist to figure this social politics stuff out.

Matt & Dave are fishing while they're talking and after catching 3 itty bitty fish, they return to camp, saying, "We caught some fish - monsters." There is much bapping of fists, because compared to last ep, those minnows ARE monsters.

Dave found it interesting that Matt is talking of getting rid of Roger. Rob comments on Matt's fish and how he's going to make a fish bouillon. Matt the chef ponces around, bleating about the lack of spices and apologising for the lack of serving platters.

By the time the fish are cleaned and cooked there is very little to eat. The guys make faces and look like they're going to be sick. Dave I think it was goes "Mmm delicious."

Alex' comment on Rob is he has put on a good front - he's a goofy kid. Rob is shown telling a dumbass story about his granpa. Alex tells us about the people coming to him to talk about voting for Roger on the one hand and for Dan on the other. So Alex figures he's in the middle, and is the swing vote. He's grinning maniacally figuring he's got some powah.

Day 9 - Jaburu is on the upswing says some girl, starting to get things organized. Shawna voices-over that Deena is doing an amazing job being leader. Shawna likes her even though she's being bossy. "That's what we voted for her to do. Stuff is getting done."

Deena reports they've boiled 5 pots of water, roof is nearly done, and the debris has been cleared out of camp. Some of the girls, including Jeanne & Joanna, catch real, as in proper size, fish. The Girl tribe enjoys a proper meal.

Joanna makes up new lyrics to "Doo Wah Diddy" - "We will not be defeated by the guys!" She has, generally speaking, been very invisible this episode. Praise MB, praise the Lawd, praise Jif!

Tree mail is read aloud in unison by the Tammys, so I'll rely on the tidbit the girls revealed: the tribes will have to "coordinate as a tribe" in order to win.

Christy says she has a good feeling that they're going to beat the guys. The girls get ready by putting on challenge-appropriate clothing and shoes.

The guys get ready by asking Rob's Magic 8 ball some romance-related questions. Rob is told that he'll definitely get with Heidi. Roger wants to know if Jenna "will give the old man here the look" and learns there is a "good chance." I guess Magic 8 Ball doesn't have "fat chance" in its set of choices. Dave asks if Dan will take Shawna - it is certain. The 'when' and 'where' aren't explored at this juncture.

Time for IC. The guys have put their colours on the idol, prompting boos and hisses and "don't worry, we'll take it off when we win" from the girls. The guys cannot help being cocky.

IC consists of getting out of being trapped in a cage. In order to reach the escape hatch in the roof of the structure, each tribe has to untie their machete, untie or hack at ropes holding a board which they will then use to retrieve some keys, and use the keys to unlock stuff so they can climb out. The IC takes about 7 minutes to televise. Jif doesn't have a lot to do but unfortunately that doesn't keep him from talking the whole time.

Cutting to the chase, Jaburu wins immunity. The girly guys go again to tribal council.

A big black crow takes off from a pole. It's the end of day 9 and the cows, I mean the guys, are licking their wounds. Someone says, "Not sure how evenly matched we are, having dropped 4 out 5 challenges."

Rob tells Roger that Dan is looking for votes to get rid of Roger. Rob proves how flexible he is by sucking up and kissing ass all at once as he assures Roger he wasn't involved in it. Then Rob is shown telling Dan about wanting to get rid of Roger. I would like to go on record now that I cannot stand Rob.

Dan talks next to Alex about Rob running around. I wish but I don't believe the tattling will help Dan's cause. Not that I like Dan so much. That chattering in Chinese has to stop.

Dave tells us what we already know: that because it is relatively early he doesn't trust anybody and that to hear Matt talk about how Alex is trying to be on everybody's sides, made him wonder what he's missing. You'll be forgiven for thinking Dave is the deaf blind guy at Tammyback.

Rog talks with Alex. These guys are more gossipy than the girls, even more than Samboohoo tribe. A morose Dan is shown rowing to TC.

Having set out in the middle of the afternoon, either they really did row to TC and it's a long way, or they stopped off for dinner. It's dark by the time they arrive. Tribal Council theme song trills away. I kind of like that music. But don't get any idea, MB, about releasing a CD with versions 1 through 6 of the Survivor Theme Song, and bonus track of Tribal Council Trill.

Jif starts up his usual inquisition. Rob says he doesn't feel that great and speaks for everyone, "We're feeling pretty lousy." Except he doesn't speak for everyone; we have to hear what everyone else had to say.

Dave says guys don't like to lose against girls. He feels confident that they can get it together and start winning.

Jif asks if Rog is feeling like Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King, proving to everyone that the production staff does listen to what's being said at camp. If Roger put together a rational answer, I missed it.

Jif wants to know if everyone is hungry and asks Matt to rate how hungry. Matt is an 8, Alex is 8 maybe 9. Why these two were the only ones shown I don't know. Maybe I blinked and missed all the others giving their "how hungry" ratings.

Is everyone doing enough? How many hours are being spent fishing? They agree they could spend more time at it. Roger says he's not one of the fisherman.

Moving on to friendship, Dan admits to getting along the best with Matthew because they speak Chinese together. Matt looks a little annoyed that Dan would reveal their bond, but then Matt always looks a little annoyed, so I could be wrong here. Anyway, super dumb move by Dan to reveal the bond that had developed. Dan speaks at length about how he feels that he is the automatic outsider because he's different.

No, Dan, you're the outsider because you're such a total lame-ass who doesn't do much and blows possible alliances.

Rob argues with Dan, saying that what he's said is completely false. "We're all from different backgrounds." It's really hard for me to see how the guys aren't fed up with Rob. I guess there are just too many people to get rid of at this early stage.

While Dan spoke, Roger was shaking his head so Jif falls for it and gives Roger a chance to air his grievances. Roger starts with the Water Fight from earlier, but we all know that the antagonism started on Day 1 in spite of Roger's statement that it "all began when I asked (Dan) to go get water." Dan says that Roger has been barking orders like a drill Sgt. from day 1. Jif is sharp and clever: "So friendship is out the window."

Time to vote. Dan shows his vote for Roger and is seen making his lame comments of why. Roger shows his vote for Dan and says "You're out of your element and you've not been a team player." No one else's vote is shown.

Jif tilly-tallies and reads the votes. "Dan, Roger" (Jif summarizing.) "Dan." (Jif summarizing.) "Dan." (Jif summarizing.) "Dan." (Jif dismissing.) "4 is enough. You need to bring me your torch and scoot."

Well, that's hardly a shock. We heard "Roger needs to go" how many times??

Matt looks really sad. Jif summarizes, "You guys have lost 4 out 5 challenges. You know what you need to do - go do it." Yep, they need to go ask the Magic 8 ball if they're gonna get to see the girls again soon.

Next time: Tribes tangle with the Amazon's deadliest fish. At Jabbers' Shawna wants out. She's crying and saying she doesn't see herself lasting for 30 some days.

When the votes are revealed, it turns out that even Matt voted for Dan to leave. Dan's final words were completely unmemorable, much like Dan.

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