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Survivor: Pearl Islands - Episode 12 Summary

'Mutiny, Can YOU Live With YOUR Self?' By AMAI

Previously on A Choked Chicken In Every Pot,” Jon promised Final 2 to as many as possible. Foolproof plan: if everyone agrees to take him, he’ll get to the Final 2.

‘Course, he didn’t bargain on Burton’s stupidity, something which may never be fully mapped; suffice to say that after lying like a whore, Burton “found” his honesty and backpedaled and wavered when Lil confronted him about the strength of their F2 alliance. Even childish, stupid, whiny Lil wasn’t dumb enough to miss Burton’s hidden meaning – “You and me are history, toots.”

The only person about whom we don’t know for sure is Sandra. Is she or isn’t she? Does she or doesn’t she? Have a deal with RatFairy, that is. The postership is murmuring about the possibility of a secret alliance and citing all kinds of compelling evidence. I’ll believe it when I see one of them talk about it in a DR.

Devious Weasel entertained RTVW with the Balboan doings circa Ep 11. I checked out recaps all over the ‘net, but found no-one else who deemed note-worthy the blue eyes of Jonny RatFairy. In my recap, I wrote up my theory that Jonny RatFairy is hypnotizing everyone with his blue eyes. MB has gone to great lengths to hide those eyes, which is why they usually look like piss-holes in the snow. My theory is RatFairy hypnotized everybody to get them to do what he wants. With the help of his dead grandma lie, so far his plan is progressing nicely, especially with Sandra.

Last week Sandra began by ranting about how they shouldn’t trust RatFairy and ended up doing what he wanted her to, while he booted her pal. Well, that was last week. No way this week is gonna be the same. No sirree. No way, no how. Right?

The wicker may have been flying off the shelves, but RatFairy didn’t promise F2 to everyone. Christa ‘Big Bird’ Hastie got her chicken strangled, stuffed and served up in a snuff film, which co-incidentally destroyed AMAI’s chance of winning the big $120 prize in the office pool.

I wish Jif would say, “Who will be squished like a bug, tonight?

Balboa Night 33. A gigantic snake slithers, just to fulfil the obligation to show us “dangerous” creatures in their “native” environment. Because apparently watching Lil in her granny panties and RatFairyJon breathing isn’t enough.

Following the booting of Christa, it turns out Sandra really was blind-sided. Burton DRs how Christa didn’t see it coming and goes on to note that Sandra is acting like she’s positive she’s next. RatFairy DRs that Sandra is clueless that she’s going next and it’s just not true – Darrah is a much stronger competitor and will go next. Still Sandra feels horrible and RatFairy is happy to see her keep feeling that way. My capacity to hate him grows even as I marvel at his ability to reach new lows each week.

Day 34 In the morning, Sandra isn’t feeling too good as she’s feeling vulnerable. With Burton laying there listing off the things that need doing, like boiling water and gathering wood, I get the impression Sandra will call in sick to camp. But she beats the crap out of a shell, telling us she’s now is working on revenge. Her plan is to hide all the stuff: the nets, the pickaxes, the water cans, the machete, the spear, the masks. She figures if she does it gradually, nobody will be the wiser. And she's right. These dumbnuts are so stupid. It's a great plan.

She knows she’s going down but wants to make sure they feel it more than she does. Those fish weren’t spilled by accident, in case anyone out there were still wondering.

Elsewhere, Burton and RatFairy pretend they’re still in a tight alliance with Lil, as they discuss targeting Darrah. Lil tells them she’s not “real wild” about that plan. Lil sulks in DR that’s it’s not right to get Darrah next. “What happined to our alliance of four people?” only with much more whine. She says their ability to turn on their “ally” made her think they’d just as easily screw her over. Something tells me Lil just likes saying “screw” and she’ll claim post-show that it was all an act -- she was just playing a dumb-ass hick whiny den aunt, whose horny panting makes certain boys hard, then wet, in spite of themselves. It’s gross for most viewers. Sorry. I considered deleting that bit, but left it in to convey the sickness I feel generally when watching Lil clamber around rocks. The cameramen love torturing us with every imaginable angle.

Reward Challenge It’s one of MB’s favorites, “Second Chances,” in which every previous challenge tackled as a team or in pairs is shmooshed together into one big challenge. The metaphor of camp life is "being tied up in a mouse maze." Each person’s maze is next to another, all side by side in straight lines, so actually it’s more like dog runs. Very appropriate, either way.

First Jif spends five minutes describing what they have to do in the challenge. Since he spends a lot of time reminding them (and us) during the challenge, let’s just skip it. In order to tell them “what they’re playin’ for,” Jif launches into a little story about Morgan the pirate who destroyed rich old Panama City and how it was never rebuilt.

The players stand around looking really bored and tired. They barely muster up a “woo” at the thought of winning. But anything with food as a reward is worth making some effort. Because finally Jif gets to the punchline and tells them that the winner is going to camp out in style at the ruins of old Panama City and enjoy sumptuous food.

It’s mad scrambling, Jif voicing-over and the usual unexpected challenge tests. They untie themselves fairly easily and dig under the fence, but then Lil the Scoutmaster can’t find the coordinates in her circle. Burton has trouble too. Jif really gives it to Lil, “Doesn’t know where the coordinates are, just gonna start digging.” I wouldn’t want to be stuck out in the back yard with her, let alone in the woods relying on a compass and a pair of eyeglasses.

RatFairy is first into the jail but Burton is first to build the pole needed to retrieve the key. Jif goes, “Jon still working on his pole, wants to make sure it’s long enough.” Heh. Burton is first out of the jail and onto slingshotting at plates ("completely unintacting them") and first to get his three bags of puzzle pieces full of letters and first to start solving. It’s all about Burton here folks.

Lil is talking to herself like the mad woman she is. She’s built a pole but it’s useless and breaks. The others are still struggling to build poles to get keys when Burton has the word puzzle solved. “Say it out loud, Burton,” instructs Jif. “Jolly Roger.”

It’s amazing how you can’t see the strings. Burton isn’t so stupid, after all. He wins reward. Does he get to take someone with him? Of course he does. Jif operates his internal Speak & Spell and announces that the trip wouldn’t be much of a memory without someone to share it. Who writes Jif’s material? ‘Lame’ doesn’t begin to describe it.

Burton takes RatFairy. I really hope one of these two goes tonight, because it’s incredibly stupid to semaphore your alliance like that. RatFairy squeals like the little girl he is and leaps onto Burton. He really needs to stop doing that. I wonder what kind of beds they’ll be sharing. I hope MB didn’t set up a big bed like he did for Jenna & Dave.

The camera shows us poor Sandra, the only one of those remaining not to have enjoyed a reward on her own merits or as someone’s guest. The thought occurs that stupid Rupert should have gone to breakfast and taken Sandra (or Christa) with him, instead of giving it to Burton. In retrospect, it makes me mad, that does. This season should have been SO good, and it’s had its moments, it’s true, but as we wind down, I just have a feeling of despair that reality TV in general is losing it. I shouldn’t watch stuff like The Simple Life, should I? It's ruining other stuff for me.

They just showed a preview of the finale – and RatFairy and Lil were in it. It looked like they are two of the final three climbing up to Tribal Council. I couldn’t tell if the third person was Sandra or Darrah. Geez – talk about spoiling by the producers!

We join Burton and RatFairy already in progress, boating round to wherever it is they’re going. Burton DRs he’s been going on rewards with people “we don’t like much,” and how nice it is to go with someone who would be fun. Eww. But there you go. We viewers are fed a particular party line by MB, but it often turns out the players have a different story to tell about contestants whom we loathe. Still. JonnyRatFairy? Ewww.

The RatFairy DRs how happy he is, flapping his gums with his usual blappity-blap about not having to worry about leaving camp, from a strategic point of view. This is the first of many many moments harping on this theme.

The boating goes on and on, with aerial photography, and time-lapse editing tricks to let us know that the whole ep could have been devoted just to this boat trip. Jif is on the boat with them, so he can be on hand to reveal the surprise element of this Reward, which is that Burton has won a new GMC Envoy SUV, some kind of jeep/SUV/station wagon/car/truck/RV/spaceship. This car has it all. Burton seems happy about the “new ride” that is the surprise part of this Reward. (Ah, in case you wonder, the repetition of the words "surprise part of the Reward' is NOT a typo. It's a reflection of the duplication of commentary with which this ep was plagued.) RatFairy takes the opportunity to get in yet another full frontal body hug with Burton. Eww. Again. Jif looks all pissed off again. I wonder why.

Cuz Jif must be so proud of himself for keeping the secret. Do you suppose, other seasons, he just blurted it out or is Jif just a puppet of MB? I’m sure I should know the answer to that by now.

In the car, RatFairy tells Burton that “win lose or draw” he is the only person he likes in the game. RatFairy voices-over Burton deserves this reward more than anyone, for all he’s done. He says it’s cool to say that and really mean it. It just makes me loathe him more, funnily enough. Burton is tickled pink and grinning like a freakin’ idiot.

They drive, and we see a little kid sitting somewhere, who apparently looked up to see the wonder of a candy-apple red vehicle tootling down the highway right by his slum. The human element is what’s been missing. Aww, poor little kid.

They get to the ruins. Footage shows them parking carefully among the ruins. I think I know now why the Finale isn’t taking place at the Panamanian landmark. Someone in MB’s entourage wasn’t careful enough.

Confirmation Comment Syndrome kicks in with a vengeance as Burton voices-over that they’re at the ruins. They get to the food. Wow. Look. At. All. The. Food. Burton the puppet talks like someone is feeding him his lines word by word. They both DR about eating. Then they just eat. And eat and eat and eat. 5 hours of eating, according to RatFairy. Suckling pig, rice, potatoes, marshmallows. Hey, who knew marshamallow were a traditional Panamanian pirate food?

Eww -- close-up of RatFairy eating cake is just gross, with crumbs in his beard and bits of icing all over his face, as he shovels in another forkload. Good. God. Even a mother would turn away in disgust. I hope MB realizes that that just further endears him to his fans. You can’t alienate those weirdos.

I believed Burton and RatFairy when they said they were going to eat. And I certainly didn’t need further proof that Jon is a grotesque pig. Or maybe I did, seeing as how I'm always calling him a rat. He LOOKS like a rat but he IS a pig. Burton talks about the girls being useless, riding coattails, eating mussels, which serves as a lead-footed segue to return to camp and check up on those numbnuts.

The girls lay in the shelter, struggling to breathe without their menfolk around to direct them on how to do it. Lil opens the conversation about trusting the guys, or rather not trusting them. Darrah has so little to say, and now her stuff is also infected with Confirmation Comment Syndrome.

Tentative at first, it’s like a floodgate as the three of them share their views and actually do so honestly. Or at least their statements agree with what we’ve seen in DRs and with other players. Unless all that was a lie.

Lil calls Darrah “little one” and tells her something she already knows, which is that the guys are ready to get rid of her. She knows and that’s why she wants “ta win ‘munity.” I never noticed that Darrah has the upper part of her left earlobe pierced.

Lil goes, "But wait a minute. No matter what, I’m still coming in third." Then Sandra explains that she is strong and has more chance to beat the other women, than to beat the guys. "Being with them, yeah, you’re gonna get third. But being against us, you have a chance to get there on your own.”

Generally the buzz was this was a great episode, and I’m sorry if I don’t seem bowled over and thoroughly jazzed. Anyway, we’ve heard them DR all this stuff before, and it’s basically just each one sharing her version of being told “F2” and by whom, so long story really shortened, they come to the conclusion that if one of the guys wins immunity, the other guy goes. But if one of the girls wins it, then Burton goes.

Sandra finishes up by DRing that she is now going to hold off on revenge, since she has a chance and it would be in her best interests to not start “commotion.” She really is pretty smart.

Back at Reward, the guys are getting ready for bed, in the spaceship, as they “hilariously” blah-blah about how the girls are incapable of stategizing. Here are the preview tidbits from last ep of Burton stating he doesn’t think the girls could come up with a decent strategy if they had to, and RatFairy saying the guys have an intellectual advantage. Then the guys wonder whom to approach, since they only need one of the womenfolk to vote with them. They decide Lil won’t trust them now, so they figure they’ll talk to Sandra! They are SOOO full of themselves.

Burton DRs that they won’t mention the surprise part of the reward. The guys bunk down in the back of the spaceship, in the camping Habitrail Ring part. RatFairy looks like the Wolf dressed up as the Granny, kind of ironic when you think about it. Burton is so happy not to be on the receiving end of open-mouthed kisses and pawing from Lil. I expect even RatFairy is too. They seem comfortable with one another and I’m just glad we weren’t shown them giving each other goodnight kisses. Hey, I’m feeling sick so why not share the nausea? Ads.

Next morning, a monkey eats, while another monkey watches. Scintillating. Breathtaking. Zzzz. It’s Balboa Day 35. Fade up on Lil rubbing her eyes, crying because she isn’t getting any sleep. Her arms & legs are on fire. She wonders if it’s menopause. Lil is always ready to hump a leg or a stick of driftwood. Hot flashes, you know. But more likely she’s contracted poison ivy and just needs a case of calamine lotion. Or she's got an STD from kissing the guys and needs a course of antibiotics.

Anyway, she's ready for her moan-a-thon. She just wants some rest. She’s stressed. She doesn’t know what, how, when, where, who, why and who the fvck asked her anyway? Sandra braids Darrah’s hair while the two of them pretend to listen to Lil stressing about her mental health and her burning legs and her buzzed-out brain. Lil is seriously in need of something, but none of us wants to know what it is, much less give it to her. Unless it’s a bullet to put her out of her misery and ours.

Sandra DRs a whole bunch about playing it cool, which is her plan for when the guys return. She’s gonna be “the outcast” until RatFairy comes to her and says, ‘What’s wrong Sandra? Ooh oooh. C’mon. Don’t worry, you won’t be the next to go as long as you vote this person out.’ I’ll go ‘Okay.’ And Sandra says she’s not gonna worry about what Lil is doing. Because if she does, Burton will notice, since that’s usually his job, to keep tabs on where everyone is.

So, good. She’s got a big plan. Wow. Woo. This should be real exciting. Actually, I’m glad to hear she’s got a plan. No, really I am. I’m just feeling punchy from all the “plans” we’ve heard about week in, week out. The fact that this one might actually bear fruit just gets a sigh and a “finally” out of me.

Here come the guys. Woo. As Darrah & Lil go to meet them, Darrah reiterates to Lil that “we three” (women) are sticking together. Lil needs to be hand-fed and re-told a number of times what the plan is, no matter with whom she is aligned. Was Lil a fish in a past life? Nobody has done this much flip-flopping and gotten away with it, not even Vecepia.

Hugs all round, and then Burton and RatFairy tell them a bit about the reward, then start with their subtle approach to enquiring after the doings at camp. “Didn’t Sandra come to you?” “No, oh no.” “We didn’t talk ‘bout nuthin.” “She wouldn’t even speak to us!” The girls are so adamant about having had no discussions that it’s no surprise really that Burton DRs he doesn’t buy what they’re saying. He figures they need to put pressure on the girls and find out what’s going on. Oh great, Inspector Clouseau, once again is going to bumble his way around.

Sandra is in bed and doesn’t even lift her head when Burton comes over, all "concerned." Then RatFairy comes over and she goes, “Why should I go get water and get bit by mosquitoes if I’m getting booted in two days?”

Usually Lil folds like a bad poker hand but this time under Burton’s merciless questioning she manages to hold to her story. She’s a stubborn old cow, I’ll give her that. Must be that she can only hold one plan in her brain at a time. Even Burton’s incredulous disbelief that the women HAD to have talked and HOW can they not have talked, fails to shift Lil from her agreed-to story. Lil keeps repeating that Sandra is ready to leave. Actually Lil sounds more ready to leave.

RatFairy goes to Sandra, trying to be caring and concerned. Ugh. I’d rather watch The Pepto Bismal Wedding. I’d hide my head under the covers, too, if I were approached by RatFairyJon in a supplicating mood. What a rodent. The mouth is working overtime in the scene – with the rat teeth moving like they have a mind of their own.

RatFairy starts up swearing on grandma that it will be Burton, himself and Sandra in the final 3, if right now she’ll vote with them to oust Lil. Just like Sandra figured! LOL. Sandra has heard that too many times, but she plays like she buys it.

Good thing the girls talked eh? Good thing they’re prepared for once. This part is mildly entertaining, as RatFairy gets Sandra to swear on something meaningful, even asking her to show him her hands so he can make sure she isn’t crossing her fingers. Damn, it IS fvcking third grade for this guy. What a fruit loop. Sandra DRs she swore to RatFairy that she swears on her kids she’s with him, but in her head she was swearing on her kids that she’s gonna screw him and Burton. Heh. Sandra is still feisty. I would love to see her win the whole thing, but it wouldn’t be Survivor if somebody who’d really earned her way there actually won it, would it?

Immunity Challenge. Jif says, “It’s down to the wire.” It’s a walk the plank, bend down to get water in canteen, pour into flasks to raise a key, unlock a lock which releases a plank, which helps with the house that Jif built. No, I mean advances you to the next one. Repeat 5 times. Retrieve flag. Get back to the start.

Highlights include the fact that Darrah’s weight loss has made her hands smaller than ever, enabling her to put less water into the flask to reach into it to retrieve the key. Since they have to return to the start to the platform on which to kneel to fill the canteens, it really makes a difference if fewer water-fetching trips are needed. But it doesn’t seem to help with the length of time spent watching this challenge. However, Darrah wearing her pretty yellow bathing suit does help.

Burton falls far behind, because he has great big hands that no amount of weight loss will alter sufficiently to make a difference. Come on, somebody yell, “Rigged!” because everyone else is able to reach into the flask earlier than he is.

Jif goes “Lil shoving her hand down in the tube and it may be stuck.” Nice little dig there, Jiffy and let’s have a giggle about that. Then Lil’s plank gets stuck, won’t go down, and she can’t get at it to give it a kick. Darrah is on her fourth plank and Jon has just about caught up. Except for the part of having skinny hands able to get half-way down that flask. Still, Jif enjoys causing heart palpitations, so he calls out, “It’s a 2 way race between Darrah & RatFairy.” Yeah, right

Burton uses the strap of his canteen to try to get the key out. Doesn’t work, but apparently it wasn't an illegal move as Jif didn't call him on it.

I’m cheering for Darrah! What, you think I trust these people not to vote her out if she is without immunity?

Exciting music plays to get viewers’ hearts racing and blood pounding. I notice it because I’m so bored and it’s so insistent. "Listen to me! Be Excited! Isn’t this Exciting? Are you Excited yet? BE EXCITED! THIS IS THRILLING." Zzzzz.

Whoa! Darrah is first to get her fifth plank down, has grabbed her flag and makes it back along all the planks, with the flag, without falling in the water. She wins immunity for the 3rd time. She beams nicely as we go to ads.

Day 36 at Camp. Burton breaks up firewood. RatFairy DRs that Lil is next to go and he feels kinda bad about that, because he’s such a kind, caring, sweet-natured ratfink. He notes Lil hasn’t talked with them or done the work she usually does. So there is no water, no firewood and no mussels, clams or coconut. Explains why Burton was busy with sticks. RatFairy asks Lil how she is and gets an earful about menopause or something. Tag-team? RatFairy denies all accusations.

Burton & RatFairy walk the beach discussing Lil’s condition. It’s incurable, guys. She’s a horny ditz with an unidentified transmitted disease, likely caught from RatFairy.

RatFairy has apparently figured out that the girls’ plan is if Darrah won immunity, Burton would be booted out. Given what was said the other day about Lil’s reluctance to vote out Darrah, they decide they’ll have to approach the She-B!tch of Balboa, Sandra, and tell her that she has just been promoted to Final 3 person, safe and sound for one more round. The plan is “Sandra will help us, she’s bound to want to guarantee herself another few days. She’ll help us vote Lil out.” The guys are so tickled with their plan that they share a moment in the forest.

Oh they do not, but don’t deny the thought crossed your mind. Or would have done if you could bear to think about Ratface Jonny RatFairy.

Burton says to RatFairy, “Lil is a basket case right now. Her body is shutting off, she sleeps an hour a night. She’s a disaster. So we gotta get rid of her.” Then he DRs to repeat all that stuff and that the plan is to speak with Sandra.

Sandra snows Burton about how she’s not going with Lil and Darrah is winning everything. Neither girl talks to her. She is gonna put Lil’s name down. and he’s got no choice but to believe that she really is going to write Lil’s name down.

Suppertime. I guess Burton went fishing again, but apparently we’ve had our ration of Naked Burton so we don’t get anymore. Nice fish on the grill, too bad it’s RatFairy who is tending it. I wouldn’t want that poxy m.f. near something I were about to eat. With Lil off somewhere humping a stick of firewood, the other 3 stand around Burton and all agree to boot Lil.

RatFairy DRs he figures the girls must be not even sharing a brain, because they could get rid of the guys so easily. He thinks it’s downright foolish that they didn’t talk about getting rid of the guys. Those girls aren’t doing anything for women’s rights and they’d be better off scrubbing potatoes and mopping floors. They’re nothing more than mats for the walking on. He still feels he’s much smarter than anyone.

You know, if RatFairy were any more up himself, he'd be wiping his mouth with toilet paper. Literally.

Off to Tribal Council. In comes the jury. Rupert has his hippie tie-dye shirt on again. I can’t even see RyanO’s face. It just doesn’t jump out at me. I’ll have to look on the tape and see. Christa looks good with clean hair. She makes me think of the Pantene ads. She smiles over at Sandra who smiles back.

Jif starts up with his usual barrage of dumbass questions. Darrah reports she is holding up pretty good except for losing all the weight. Jif points out the weight loss served her well in the IC. Yeah it did. Woo.

Sandra goes, "We don’t even talk. Too much energy."

RatFairy, when prodded with a sharp stick, says Lil is the strongest person here, Sandra is tough and D – well look, she’s won 3 immunities in a row. Not a guy here can say that. He says he’s very impressed with these women, in that aspect. Note how careful he is to qualify his answer, there? He has made so many derogatory comments about them but in that respect, he has to say blah blah. Plus, most of what he just said is b.s. in his mind, designed to butter them up and make them want to vote for him later.

Lil says, “Truthfully, between you, me and God, I never thought I’d make it this far.” ‘You me & God’?? I guess she figures that nobody listens to her anyway, so why bother to acknowledge them now? She’s done nothing like this in her life. It’s tough blah blah blah. She does a great job of sounding super-pathetic and wistful, when she says, “I just need the strength for another 3 days, or however long my tribe will keep me here.”

RatFairy says TCs scare the crap out of him. It’s turned into “Surprise” tribal council every time. He doesn’t want to be on the other end of a surprise. I can't wait for that moment, myself.

Burton feels awful when people get voted out and they’re blind-sided. The foreshadowing is being laid on with a trowel. Like, we get it. MB usually spends so much time with the misdirectional efforts, that when he has no choice but to be direct, the piece just comes across as heavy and lead-footed.

Time to vote. Darrah isn’t giving up immunity. Burton votes for Lil, saying she’s not someone he’d want to go up against in the final 2 so, “Your time has come.” RatFairy makes some crappy little speech as he votes for Lil. None of the girls’ votes are shown, but if they don’t vote for Burton as discussed, I expect shares of RCA and Sony will go through the roof.

Votes are arranged for maximum impact: Lill, Lil, Burton, Burton, (RatFairy looks upset.) Jif holds the 5th paper, staring at it for one beat, two beats, three beats, the drums play and all the millions of viewers who never go on message boards and only have MB’s usual editing to go by, are all tensed up. But indeed it is goodbye Burton. Lil’s expression hardly changes, but there is an almost imperceptible raising her head, as if she will find the strength to go on. RatFairy looks like an interested yet cornered rat in a cage. The girls have pleased him by proving that they are, after all, capable of hatching a plot. I’d like to smack the condescension off his stupid rodent face.

RyanO, Rupert & Christa smack fists in the jury. Heh. RatFairy acknowledges with a nod at being surprised by the outcome. Jif says, “I gotta hand it to you guys – you have become masters of the blindside. From the 3-2 vote it’s clear that 3 of you are together. One problem. Aint nobody playin’ for 3rd.” How can you say that, Jif? Some of these people are playing just to get on the jury. He sends them back to camp.

Oh look, there’s that ad again for Sunday. And now I can see that Burton is the third person, so it isn't really a spoiler, because RatFairy, Lil & Burton can’t possibly be the final 3.

Next time … It’s the finale. This Sunday, beginning at 8pm, with the Reunion right after. 3 hours usually flies right by. There’ll likely be a 15 minute recrap of the season, which is still better than a whole dumb episode. For that I’m grateful.

Nothing is given away as to the type of challenges ahead, but I figure we’re going to see the usual How Well Do you Know Your Tribemates quiz, and some kind of dumbass endurance challenge, maybe in front of the Jury as has become the practice lately. Final 4 will get cut to Final 3, which will get cut to the Final 2 who will face the jury. It’s rumored to be very exciting. Can you feel the excitement? Yawn. Then the Reunion, where everyone will gather and throw stones at Jon for his big lie. On the one hand, I want to see strips torn off him. On the other, knowing how much he loves any attention, I want them to ignore him completely.

What I really look forward to is seeing RatFairy go from giggling like a ready-to-lose-her-virginity-Catholic-school-girl pre-pubescent wannabe, to said girl after her first time, crying about how it wasn’t like he expected it to be and he feels so used. I hope Jon RatFairy is booted prior to Final 2 and takes it really, really hard. I want tears. I’ve had enough of his orgasmic stupor in his DR confessionals over how brilliantly he’s fooling everybody with his evil tales of grannydeath.

The promo says, "Who will be the ultimate Survivor, Darrah, Lil the Scoutmaster, Sassy Sandra or Notorious Jonny Rotten?" From that alone I’d figure it’d be Darrah, simply because she is given no other nickname.

Burton’s final words are priceless, if hypocrisy and stupidity are your cup of tea. He said, “Lil, I thought we had an alliance, and I hope you can live with yourself after this.”

He also said the usual blah-blah about amazing experience and that of the four left, he hopes RatFairy wins. But can you believe he called out Lil? For voting against him, her supposed ally?

Holy dumbass, Batman. The hubris is overwhelming. He voted for HER on that very same night. Why the hell shouldn’t she feel just fine? By the time she sees his DR, she’ll already know he voted for her anyway.

Burton is really stupid, after all. I’ll never understand how he could say such a thing, when he was equally ready to turn on her. And there was me thinking he’d actually proved some kind of smarts with the Reward Win.

Well, we’ve had some classy exits by players, and we’ve had whiny exit speeches. Then there was Rupert, pouting like a child who dropped his lollypop because the mean kids pulled his skirt down. Burton steps up to take the cake, however, with this utterly witless and ignorant statement.

If nothing else, it proves why Survivor is still so popular. You just can’t script stuff like that. Who would buy it in a sitcom?

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