Previously: We meet the alleged (note that word – it’s going to become a theme throughout this season) Survivors for the first time. Serves them right for being so full of themselves – no underwear, fancy dresses, $1000 Armani suits, etc. Blackbeard goes nuts in the market and pillages MoGufu’s shoes. TiWanda threatens mayhem against the Panamanian storeowners. We meet the II, which is butt-ugly as usual but in a good way for a change. Nicole’s crabs fight with hermit crabs as the tribe sleeps. Dreck wins immunity by barely moving past a MoGufu tribe that grounded into the sand at the very end. Nicole gets her ass tossed out by the tribe at TC because she couldn’t, wouldn’t be satisfied with already having a five-person agreement in place to boot Skinny Ryan.
We meet the tribes again. Is it just me or do many of these contestants seem strikingly familiar? I think we’ve just uncovered the Big Lie… S7 is the true All-Star Survivor with celebrities playing the role of the survivors, not S8! Take a look… that’s my theory of the Big Lie and I’m sticking with it.
Christa is played by Poppy Montgomery of “Without A Trace” fame. Considering what Christa’s supposed to have done while in university, a more appropriate casting might be Eva Braun but she’s no longer with us.
Eminem stars as the foul-mouthed, 29-going-onto-17-year-old, toque-wearing Jon, whose main goal on Survivor is to be the first to have sex on the show.
Michelle is the perky cheerleader from SNL played by Cheri Oteri.
Hagrid stars as the ‘good’ Rupert while Blackbeard is the ‘bad’ Rupert. Rupert expends so much energy that both characters are frequently called on to appear.
Sandra is played by a Chihuahua – she’s small, she’s feisty, got a lot of bite in her tongue and she likes to yap. (Note, this is in no way a racial reference so save the hate mail.)
Holy dynamic duo! Batman and Robin appear as the inseparable duo of Burton and Shawn. They’re joined at the hip throughout the show (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and were dubbed “Batman and Robin” during the opening episode by another tribemate.
You’ve all seen Trish before, of course, as T-Bird makes a return appearance, practically out of Central Casting as a tough 42-ish mom.
MoGufu Tribe (a.k.a. Moron Tribe)
Jerry Springer stars as Andrew. Who better than Jerry to play a ringmaster (who happens to be a lawyer for the Jerry Springer show in real life) who has completely lost control of his tribe amid chaos around him? Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!
Darrah is played by Farrah Fawcett. The similarities between Darrah and Farrah are remarkable, not only with the name thing. There’s a persistent rumour that there’s a Darrah in the show but you wouldn’t know it thus far; Farrah’s just a nasty rumour these days with her rapidly fading career. Darrah works with stiff, immobile people; Farrah is stiff and immobile as an actor. Their only plusses (at least so far for Darrah) is that they are/were easy on the eyes.
Boy George makes an appearance as Lillian – you’re never sure what you’re getting with him and there’s some doubt about the gender, just like with Lillian. All you need to know about her is that she’s known as “Big Lill” and she lives and breathes the Boy Scouts – even when she’s around a bunch of adults on an island, she’s oozing the Scouts. Yikes.
Osten sure was in a hurry to strip down to his boxers, wasn’t he? It’s only appropriate that the dude in the Joe Boxer commercials plays him.
Oh look, it’s Joe! Hiya, Joe. It’s Joe from Blues Clues playing Ryno! What do you think Ryno should do? How about wiping that what-me-worry? grin from his face before somebody rips it off?
+ Skinny Ryan is what you’d get from a cross-breeding of Bitchell of S2 fame and Rob of S6 -- both are needed to stand in for Skinny Ryan as Bitchell is too weak to stand too long. The only trouble is that Skinny Ryan is skinnier and more pathetic than Bitchell was (and not as tall) and isn’t as Survivor-savvy as Rob was, so this particular mix is bound to end in disaster awfully soon on this show.
It’s hard to find a picture of a drug-addled, STD-laden $2-handjob Tijuana prostitute to step in and play TiWanda, so I’ll just let you create a mental image from that description.
Nicole got the boot last week so I’m not going to waste my time with her.