With my adrenaline still high from Survivor, I pack my bong and settle in for a long winter's nap, er, um, episode of Temptation Island 2. I can't imagine this show sustaining any sober person's attention span. Now, you know I'm excited about this show because I've been watching those oh-so-intense suspenseful FOX previews all week. "One couple is ELIMINATED from the game... You'll be SHOCKED to find out why!!!!" They make it sound like it's a big secret. Oooh! Which couple is it going to be? They showed Sir Tonelot & Queen Gwenivere's bonfire meeting at the end of last week's episode. It doesn't take a sleeeve to spoil that one. But why?!? why?!? Visions of Weed and Itossthee dance in my head. The queen is pregnant! They have a child!! FOX wouldn't create this much hoopla over an insecure narcissist deciding that she wants to tie down her boyfriend before he realizes what a ##### she is. (Run on sentence - what would my grade ten English teacher think?) Or would they?? Oh the suspense is killing me. On with the show.
Four couples...incredible journey...blah blah blah
Last week on Temptation Island...Queen Gwenivere discovers that: NO, she's not as hot as she thought she was, NO, she could not have her pick of any guy on this island NO, Nobody here worships her AND NO, she could NOT do better than Sir Tonelot.
Overlapping scenes of various people slutting around. Soundbyte of Eddie Macho saying "I like Hilary. I have this connection with her..." over and over again. We are supposed to wonder if Catherine will ever get to see these videos.
What else happened? (I apologize for the short-term memory loss. I wasn't kidding about the bong.)
Right. Um... they finally get to watch the little videos that they made for each other. Nothing too exciting, really. "I love you, honey." "I miss you, honey" Princess Catherine leaves a very poetic message for her slutty boyfriend. Lady Shannon threatens hers with his life if he cheats. I think the guys were attempting to send sweet, sensitive messages, but they only succeed in creating mass insecurity. Tomboy doesn't send his sister a video. She's crushed. On with the show. (How many times am I going to have to say that in this summary? - Will it be more times than we see that clip of Eddie Macho getting a lap dance? I wonder?)
So Sir Tonelot isn't allowed to see his queen's video because the content is "inappropriate" He is pissed. Meanwhile, Queen Gwenivere goes missing. What is going on?!?! I'm DYING to know.
Bonfire - What?! No dating this episode? What is this show all about? Didn't they have a format last year? It goes: reward challenge, immunity, bonfire, then vote someone off. No wonder FOX is losing the reality tv war.
On with the show. (Hee hee)
Princess Catherine is first. She chooses to see her video. And...she gets to watch the long-awaited (yet quite frequently aired) video of Eddie Macho with five girls on his lap. The fake smile literally slides right off her face. She tries for half a second to put it back on, but alas, the pain is too much for her to bear. She shakes her head and repeats "I don't understand. Why would he do that?" What do you mean? You let your horny little boyfriend - who, by the way, never cared about you in the first place - loose on an island full of single girls and you're shocked that he's getting a little lap dance??? My hubby (who would never admit to watching this crap) in the background is saying "That's not the half of it". Would she prefer to see that little scene of him and Hilary in bed grabbing each other's ass? Anyway, the host guy doesn't seem to have a whole lot of sympathy for her. Can you blame him? What do these people THINK is going to happen when they sign up for this show?
Lady Shannon's turn. She doesn't want to let the other girl's see her tape. Seems like she's just being bitchy, but I'm sure she's got a good reason. Her tape is an innocent one of Sir John dancing. Big ##### deal. These two are SO going to stay together. The best part was how insensitively she giggled away and bragged about how awesome he is. I think she called him a "rockstar". She must be in love with him if she was impressed by his "rockstar" moves. Princess Catherine just glares at her through her tears.
Now for Nikkole. She warns us all how bad this video is going to be. She doesn't really give a ##### what her brother does on the other side of the island, but she needs to keep up an act for the cameras. As the tape is turned on, Jaws music plays and the camera dramatically zooms into her face as she says "I told you!"
Cut to commercial. Wow! If it weren't for these commercial breaks, the suspense would probably give me a heart attack. Just how bad is it?!? My husband asks me "Why?! What did he do?!" I can only remember him getting a lap dance beside Eddie Macho. Must be worse than that? Or is it?
Take another toke.
Kellogg's cereal in the form of a bar? When did that happen? Mmm...I could sure go for a rice krispie square. No time. On with the show.
Oh look! Nikkole's video IS of Tomboy getting a lapdance. What a surprise! After seeing what their boys have been up to, the princesses sit and trashtalk all the GIRLS on the other side of the island. They are all prostitutes! They are attacking our poor little innocent boyfriends! Oh, our sweet harmless victims!
Now for the other bonfire. I'm getting nervous. What will happen?! What was on Queen Qwenivere's tape?!
Sir John is first. He doesn't want to see his tape. Smart move, really. Better to let her tell him - hear it in context.
Tomboy - yeah, he wants to see Sis's video - but only so he can tell Mom. They show him that seductive harem-massage scene. He pretends to be kind of upset. He's not. Sir John astutely notices that there are 4 girls getting massages. Oops! Bet you're wishing you watched your video, eh Johnney boy?
Eddie Macho chooses to see his tape. Same scene, different girl. Doesn't even compare to what he's done. He starts to ##### his pants when he thinks about what they're going to show the princess. Hey Eddie! Here's a hint. Next time you get together with Hilary, best to do it in a closet, away from the cameras.
Finally Sir Tonelot is up to bat! My heart is pounding. My palms are starting to sweat! Oh! Oh! Oh! They are going to show him the mystery video!! Is she pregnant? I know she's pregnant! This is the moment we've been anticipating all week!! What is the big surprise?!?!!
Cut to commercial. Aaarggh! I don't care about the new season of Blind Date! Don't they understand how serious this is?!?!
Ok Ok On with the show. Are you ready for this?!?! As never before been done on a reality tv show ... (oh, wait) she proposes to him!
Ok I get it. If your reality show doesn't have the token gay contestant, you have to have the token wedding proposal. It's the trend of the millenium. Well congratulations (sniff, sniff). Isn't it romantic? Proposing through a one-minute video on Temptation Island 2. You will even have a reality series to show your grandchildren. They'll be bursting with pride, I'm sure.
I dry my tears in time to see the oh-so-exciting scenes from next week's episode. A new couple comes to Temptation Island! Even sexier than the already sexier-than-sexy people that are there now!! I can't wait!