Our lovely Cupid host Brain look-Ma, no-hairbrush McFayden opens up the show wearing an open-collared black and light grey striped shirt. It looks just like one of those convict shirts you see in old movies starring Paul Newman. I wonder, does Brian feel hopelessly imprisoned by this clunker of a TV show? Is that what his shirt symbolizes?
McFayden solemnly intones “We are just one show away from the altar,” and introduces the five remaining suitors who are all wearing suit coats and/or ties. This week, Brian does not mix up their names and call Evan Renda like he did last week. I think our boy is finally getting the hang of this “host” gig thing!
Evan and Dominic both look casual and contemporary. Robert looks very classy—the man knows how to wear a tailored suit! Renda wears a suit & tie combo he bought from a street vendor in the Bronx, and Hank is the only guy without a suit coat—choosing instead to wear a yellow tie, light blue shirt and casual pants.
Next to enter is the lovely Lisa Shannon, who was evidently attacked by wild dogs in the green room. She is wearing a dark red skirt that is ripped and slashed from mid-calf to mid-thigh. Our plucky heroine has to keep smiling (it’s in her CBS contract) but she can show her pain & distress in her wardrobe.
Once Lisa is seated, host Brian check-out-my-dimples McFayden introduces Lisa’s two friends and official Cupid Helpers—Laura and Kimberly. (Note Cupid Helper is not to be confused with Hamburger Helper, although both are useful with loose meat.) Where was I? Oh yeah—Laura and Kimberly…
Every week, Brian lays a new & insulting characterization onto Lisa’s helpers. I lean forward in anticipation. What will he call them this week? Laura is wearing a gorgeous black leather dress. (Say what you want about this girl’s attitude—I want her wardrobe!) Anyway—in deference to her all-black look Brian calls her Darth Vader. I cringe and wait for him to do that spooky Darth Vader, in-and-out breathing thing—but we are spared. TG!
Kimberly is introduced as having “more lip than Mick Jagger.” Brian is reaching hard here—Mick Jagger? I am busy looking at Kimberly’s hair. After weeks of flat, flat hair Kim is suddenly going for the young Shirley Temple look. I think they used to be called banana curls. Either that or she just didn’t have time to comb when she pulled out her rollers. She’s wearing clothes again, but they are not worth mentioning.
Next McFayden introduces the usual segment from the Cupid house, where we can eavesdrop on our happy-go-lucky, back-stabbing misfits as they interact with each other. Today, they are having a Toga Party! With visions of the movie ‘Animal House’ dancing in my mind, I am so hopeful I will not be bored to death this week. Not. It’s the same old routine. Evan and Hank hate each other. Dom thinks Robert is delusional. The only thing worth noting is that Renda looks very fetching with his hair swirled on top of his head in a loose bun. Cross-dressing must be one of those street hustler skills or something—I dunno.
Anyway, back to the stupid Cupid set. McFayden calls out this week’s two low vote getters—Renda and Dominic. After circling the drain for the past three weeks, Renda is finally booted.
And now that the show is half over, and we the viewing audience are bored to tears, host Brian kiss-my-ass-America McFayden finally explains this week’s dates. It is Fantasy Date time! “No rules—anything goes; just make her love you any way you can.” Oh yeah—before I forget to mention it—this is a 24 hour date. For those keeping track, this means a potential overnight event.
Evan Blows It Big Time. subtitle: Lisa Blows Chunks.
First up is a nice, dressy dinner. They spend all their time talking about walls. Whose walls are higher. Who needs to work on their walls. Why people have walls. I keep expecting Paige Davis from Trading Spaces to jump out and help them redo their walls. Maybe Doug could lay out a nice grid, but no. Just talk, talk, talk, talk… I learn that walls are boring.
In desperation, Evan finally takes Lisa to the beach. She always talks about how fabulous their first beach date was, so that is a smart move on his part. They swim & play & get all sandy and stuff. That’s when Evan has an epiphany on how to get naked with Lisa.
“Let’s take a shower together, wearing our swimsuits, and rinse all this sand off!” What a great idea! Lisa can’t wait to get it off. We are all whisked away to an anonymous hotel room and the next thing we know, Lisa steps into the shower, kisses her finger and beckons Evan in to join her. The curtain is pulled firmly shut on the camera for their sweet, innocence little rinse-off. Oh puh-leeze! Everyone knows how fun shower sex is! Afterwards Evan beams at the camera, “I got it off! You know, the sand.”
The next morning they start out on a five hour cruise. Lisa keeps hoping that they will shipwrecked like those lucky fools from Gilligan’s Island, because it turns out our girl gets severely seasick. Puke-your-guts-out seasick. Chuck, chuck and upchuck seasick. Supposedly they are whale watching, but we are not shown any whale sightings—just Lisa traipsing back and forth to the lady’s room/slash/vomitorium. I speculate that she is still suffering aftereffects from the “innocent” shower. How much sand can you swallow before it makes you sick?
Back in the studio…
Laura gushes about all the “chemistry” she feels towards Evan. (WTF—I thought she luved Joe?) She asks Evan about his future ability to provide for a family. Maybe, she says, you can go from girl’s basketball coach, to head coach, to Olympic coach! I giggle insanely.
Kimberly still thinks he’s a player. A nice player—but a player is still a player.
Evan defends himself by telling Laura that he knows how to budget so he can support a family. (Let’s see—diddly squat divided by 2 = ?) He tells Kim that he is NOT a player. Not, not, not!
Lisa gets all the final words this week. She tells Evan that she really likes him and how he can always make the best of a bad situation—like a date who barfs on his shoes—but that he still has walls up. Those damn walls again! She thinks he is terrified that he will be chosen next week, and that he is not ready for “forever.”
Robert Works it. subtitle: Lisa Doesn’t.
Robert & Lisa in an early date.
Robert takes Lisa to Santa Monica and makes her sweat. Well, just a little. He shows her what he thinks would be an ideal work-out for her. This is his forte, and he is probably doing a very good job, but Lisa is done working out about 2 hours before Robert lets her quit. She keeps herself entertained by grimacing and rolling her eyes a lot.
One funny scene—Robert compliments her on how good she looks and then reaches out to squeeze her muscles. At home, I flinch and giggle. On my TV, Lisa flinches & giggles. It sure looked for a minute like Robert is going to squeeze her boobs not her biceps! I kind of wish he did. I mean, Evan got to squeeze them in the shower, didn’t he? With all the crap he has had to take from the Harpies, Robert deserves to cop at least a little feel!
After the workout, Robert and Lisa split up for a few hours to “prepare” for their dinner. Robert lays on his bed and flips through Muscle Weekly magazine. Lisa crawls under her covers (in a separate room, of course), assumes a fetal position and cries herself to sleep.
Later they meet up for dinner. Robert tells Lisa what great chemistry they have and toasts a great day together. Lisa just drinks and eats. Robert finally asks her about her childhood. When Lisa tells him she was a Tomboy and always played outside, Robert responds “me too.” The audience hoots at that but I think it’s a cheap shot. After all, English is not his native tongue.
Robert orders dessert ‘to go’ for both of them, grabs an extra bottle of champagne and tries to lead Lisa to a romantic little table out on the restaurant’s dim patio. Lisa grimaces and rolls her eyes. Finally she flat out tells Robert “I want to go to bed now.”
For one glorious moment Robert thinks he has finally got lucky! Usually, when women say that to Robert they follow up by getting naked and assuming—you know—positions. Even on blind dates. But not this time. Lisa is simply, flat-out done f-ing around with Robert and his fantasy world. It’s good-night and good-bye time for the mini-Arnold.
Back in the studio…
Laura asks McFayden if she can hug Robert. No—it’s not a change of heart for Laura. She is just trying to soften her harsh words any way she can. “You’re just not getting it!” she tells him. “It breaks my heart, but you just don’t get it!”
‘Jagger lips’ Kimberly is even more blunt. “If you think that you are more than just friends with Lisa, you are delusional.”
Delusional Robert stays in character to the very end. “My heart is broken,” he tells Lisa, “but I will get over it in a year from now. Or two years.”
(McFayden spoils the poignancy of Robert’s speech by reminding him that he can always run for governor of California. What is with this whacky host? Why did Simon hire him?)
Lisa tells Robert that “you taught me a lot. I learned a workout routine, an appreciation of sailboats, and I got a great pair of mirrored shoes. We’ve come a long way, but not far enough to build a lifetime together.”