Previously on The Bachelor... I never thought of myself as someone who would even watch romance reality TV, let alone recap this dreck. So, why am I still here? Two words: drinking games. Drinking games provide me with a means to self-immunize against brain-cell loss due to mind-numbing repetitive behavior and a great way to feel closer to my message board buddies.
During all these seasons, occasionally there have been awesome moments but those moments don’t come without a price and I’m not talking about the liquor store bill. Watching this genre means coming to terms with the fact that awesome moments are sandwiched between long, long, long periods of suckitude. That’s why I’m on the wagon -- the drinking game bandwagon, that is.
This week we have the Largest Assortment of Drinking Games EVER! Long-time readers are familiar with Snog’n’Sip, the sipping for kissing game. Occasionally I'll point out sipping opportunities, but basically, anytime the history of Byron with one of the ladies is reviewed, rest assured it contains anywhere from 5 to 15 sips. You can use your own impressions on how strong you felt their connection was based on what you saw of their journey to determine how big of a sip to take.
Reflective Sipping was devised in Byron’s honor and appeals to those who enjoy a little diligent analysis before they partake of their G&Ts or chardonnay. In last week’s recap thread at RTVT, we discussed where to take the intrepid drinking game for this Women All Kvell episode and Hopie suggested Sipping For B!tchiness. I agree! Perfection! If it looks like we’re tailoring the Games to ensure maximum intoxication in minimum time, then generally and on the whole, you’re right. B!tchiness is the ticket tonight if you want to “win” the Blotto Lotto more quickly than Snog’n’Sip can provide. The truly adventurous/desperate should b!tch-sip whenever I’m b!tchy, too. Our motto this week is: “Call ‘em as you see ‘em, sip ‘em when you feel ‘em.”
As a bonus game, I have also created The TMI Game for the recap readers. In lieu of the foregoing games (or in addition thereto: let your existing medical conditions be your guide), sip whenever you see the letters TMI (which stand for Too Much Information.) And now, let’s get on with the show!
Next week's special guest game will be Sipping for Allusions to Mary (and Her Family) Having Been Hurt Before, which for obvious reasons would have been a completely inappropriate game tonight.
Previously this season, we met Byron and Jay, two of America’s most personality-free bachelors. They in turn met 25 biddybumps on logs. Byron won the rose-off and immediately booted 10 (un)lucky biddies without determining or even seeming to care if they had voted for him. Then Byron moved in! With his dog!! Chris claimed this twist caused mayhem but since we weren’t shown any of it before, I have my doubts. Byron cut 5 more, then the producers threw in some mayhem of their own.
You see, bizarre and surprising as it may be, it turns out that appearing on this show is not a guarantee of landing a man and living happily ever after. The proof is Mary and Heather, Rejectees. And just how exactly were Heather and Mary selected to meet Byron? On the other hand, is the answer likely to provide a legitimate sipping opportunity under the rules of at least one of our current Drinking Games? Because if not, why would we care? They can’t be the only two previous contestants still unattached because most of the contestants have been dogs at best. Maybe the producers picked their names out of a hat. Mary is still in the running to become America’s Next Bachelor Rejectee, so either Byron really likes her or he’s really spiteful.
From 12 to 8 to 6 to 4, each cut more predictable than the cut before. After visiting 3 women in their natural habitats, he selected his final 2: Mary the Returning Momma Wannabe and Tania the Special Ed Teacher Who Voted for Jay. He told a friend of Tania’s that being with her is “a relief,” making her sound like a pack of Rolaids. Since the Tania date followed the Mary date, that coincidentally also made her seem like future wife material. Romance reality TV has coughed up more than its share of of hairballs, notably PigBob Guiney and Jesse the Canadian Clophodder. What are the odds that Byron really is sweet, charming and good-looking?
AND NOW! More precrap!
Coming up next on “It’s really all about Me, My Personal Self and I On Television”, the 25 bubblehead loser reject pussies who didn’t pass muster, will reappear with their GATO (Given-name, Age and Token Occupation), ready to sell themselves to the next bidder. Pre-crap also warns us Krusta and Jayne have hot seat tickets, Cyndi has memorized her “I’m so broke up” speech and Cheresse just wants more facetime. If you thought we’d be hearing from most of the women, then you haven’t watched The Women All Kvell before. On the other hand, even one woman saying something real would be amazing and set a record.
Finally! We’re underway. Chris is back and this time, the Seats of Heat are pale blue. Ah, the irony. He yaks about twists and cutthroat competition and insists that coming up soon are scenes ne’er before seen. It turns out as it always does, they are mostly variations of oft-before seen crap.
Remember these chicks? Me either. So, okay, maybe a couple. I only wrote down their names. The GATO was there, the interest wasn’t. Susie, Ashley, Wende (whom I only remember because her TAR4 runner-up sister’s boyfriend Jon is such a hottie), Kristin, Kerry, Lisa, Leina (chick who left for her “best friend, and no, we learn nothing further), Amanda, Nicole, Abby (whom I don’t remember but onscreen GATO says she’s an acrobat, which I find hilarious), Jennifer, Carolyn, Kelly (“look at me! I have a dog too! Her name is Lola, she'd like a cola. She comes everywhere with me, I hope she doesn't have to pee”), Natalie, Cynthia (a.k.a. Cyndi), Elizabeth (the black chick who lasted the longest), Krusta (ugh!), Melinda, Andrea (Woo! and she doesn't get to talk, haha), Amy, Heather (latecomer who was bounced immediately), Kristie (she still looks kind of mannish), Jayne (old and crazy looking) and Cheresse (who blows a kiss at everyone for some unfathomable reason. Who does she think she is, Charlie's Angel?) Green outfits abound this time. Green, for jealousy?
Before we go any further, let’s count those names. Hmm, only 24, eh… 25 original + 2 Retreads – 2 Unlucky Finalists = 25. Who had the nerve to decline to return? I consult a list of original women and discover that Alma, 35, from Oregon had such nerve. Or maybe she “misplaced” her invitation or hasn’t yet received it or just had the plain good sense to blow this lame gig off altogether.
Mr. AMAI thinks Abby & Natalie are more suited to Byron. How would he know, given that Byron probably tossed many women who really would have been more suitable? But thanks for showing an interest, hon!