Previously on The Bachelor... Byron was innerduced to Jay, the other bachelor wannabe. The pair of them met 25 bubble-heads, a majority of whom selected Byron. Well, we weren’t shown all the votes, so it might have been 13 to 12 for all we know. But anyway, who’s quibbling? Other than me, I mean. All we need to know is at least 13 of the 25 voted for Byron, which was deemed a majority, which, okay, it was, but then Chris innerduced Byron to a couple of retread bubbleheads to make up for the women who voted for Jay who were still in it.
And lo! One of those latecomers is still here, as well as Tania, who voted for Jay!!! Heartbreak Mary and Tania, what can we say? It would be an understatement to say Mary is still somewhat raw from her rejection by the Blob. She's whined about being hurt so much it's become white noise. She is bravely soldiering on, still in the running to have her heart squished by Iron-on.
I mean Byron. The guy who might still be hung up on his ex-wife Irene. Lucky Girl! She got away. Which just goes to show that being chosen as Byron’s No. 1 Squeeze is not a guarantee of Happily Ever After, but Tania and Mary will take a moment of fleeting happiness on TV in lieu of meeting prospective soulmates the old-fashioned way, in bars and nightclubs and AA meetings.
In other news, I blew off Snog’N’Sip as trite, done and so last season. This time, I'm sipping to celebrate Byron reflecting back what is said to him. I’m hoping it pays off tonight, when he travels to the hometowns to double-date with the friends of the three unlucky finalist-chicks. Yes, it’s true. Last week Iron-on went on “fantasy overnight dates” with four bimbettes, and all but Cheresse invited him to the Overnight Suite de Fantaisie. Guess who was eliminated? Is there a connection? Between lack of invite and lack of continuation on the "journey?"
Last week, I decided it was Cheresse’s unwillingness to hit the hay by "Real Life" Date 5 that caused her ouster. That, and the fact her wonky face made Byron sea-sick. I also precrapped a new game for this week: The D Name Game. See, I’ve been watching this show since Andrew’s season. (Aaron and Alex don’t count in my world.) I’ve witnessed Andrewkins, Blob and Canadian Clodhopper. As I see it, now we’re up to the Ds. I’m ready to reflect Byron’s personality with a few D-word nicknames. There are so many great words beginning with D, it’s impossible to choose just one. Maybe I'll identify the one that really suits him, the name to hang his fishing pole on. Maybe I'll just have fun at his expense. Fix your drinks, friends, let's get ready to Dub the Dimbot!
Leaving the Poolhouse. Dimbot hauls himself and his roller-suitcase out of the mansion. Chris meets them on the steps. “What, trying to get away without giving me a kiss goodbye?”
Heh, but no, not really. Desperate leans in, but Chris stops him with a surprise. “Here’s your very own Marquis Jet card. You can go anywhere you like, as long as it’s to Plano, TX, Tampa, FL and Hermosa Beach CA. Now git, scampi!”
And off he goes. An unseen driver toils at the wheel, leaving Dumbass free to re-explain what he’s doing and where he’s going. Blah-dee-blah, oops look out for that jet! They motored onto the tarmac stopping under the product-placed Marquis Jet. Ooooh year of living dangerously or what!
Plano, Texas. Debt-ridden claims he’s invested so much. Yeah, he’s totally maxed his emotional bank account. “We have so much in common, but she’s been holding back emotionally.” Give me your interest! Show me the "money!!"
Tania sits vibrantly with a breakfast barful of friends, giggling and laughing in a totally fake spontaneous way. (On a side note, the other day on Selling Houses someone got a bar just like installed in her kitchen to help sell her house. And it was called a "breakfast bar," hence the nomenclature. I know I'm reaching for a story here.) One of them espies the approach of Our Hero, “Who is this handsome guy?” Why, it’s a poor man’s Mel Gibson as seen in “What Women Don't Want But He's All There Is.” Hey, Tania did vote for Jay.
Doppelganger rattles off the names of the four friends for our benefit: Mandy Becky Alison & Kathleen, and the Interrogation begins. “What do you do? “I’m a professional touring fisherman.” “Where do you live?” “I live 30 miles outside of Las Vegas?” "Do they really shoot CSI there?" Oh, that's just me.
But that explains why he’s a touring fisherman. How many lakes full of bass are there in Nevada? I mean, other than in the make-believe world of CSI, full of greenery and luscious deciduousness as it is?
Becky is deemed worthy of confessionals, although she strikes me as the ugliest of the friends. She DRs she’s surprised and happy to see contentment & sparkle in her friend Tania. Meanwhile, Tania and Drool smack and smooch and snoggle at every opportunity.
The group has been assigned an “activity.” It’s Texas, what else is there to do but ride the Mechanical Bull Operator. Oh, I mean, the Mechanical Bull. John Kenney is nowhere in evidence, but I did think of him. (And that’s my Survivor shout-out for this week.)
Each friend takes her turn getting on, getting tossed around, getting dumped. It's all the fun of being a contestant on the Bachelor without the messy heartbreak. Then Daredevil takes a turn. And gets dumped. Tania declares herself the champion, “I reign!” I didn’t even see her take a turn. How is she champion? But she diaries she loved seeing him get dumped. They kiss some more in front of the friends. “Look at us, so much in love!”
So far, lots of kissing. Reflective comments? Not a one. I’m taking a sip to check if my drink needs freshening. I think the alcohol in it may be evaporating.
The friends take him aside one by one for intimate one-on-ones. Becky reminds me of Krusta. So THAT's why they let her do the confessionals. I miss the question but DoneIn’s answer is it’s a relief to be with Tania.
Becky wouldn’t be surprised if Tania ends up engaged at the end of all this. That would be one of us. I picked Cyndi and spoilers reckon it's Mary. Becky informs Tania that she had concerns, but “his heart and true-ness make me feel he’s good for you.” His true-ness? True-to-lifeness? His occasional resemblance to Mel Gibson? What does true-ness mean? Is it like genuinity? (Oops, another Survivor shout-out.)
It’s alone-time time. Tania is vibrant as they head off to spend some time alone together, for that is what alone-time is. A bee pollinates a large flower while we transition. Oooh what could THAT mean? She takes Dullfin home to show him how her heart is opening up. People need to be more leery of whom they bring into their homes. You could give a TV repairman totally the wrong idea. Who knew it's the equivalent of opening your heart?
Tania and Durian make a meal and he chops an onion. They kiss. Again. I eye my drink longingly. “Do you want more?” she asks. Hell yeah I want more. More damn reflecting, like I was led to believe I could expect.
Later, Tania explains that, if selected to bring her family to the mansion (wha? what's this? new twist?), she might bring her mom and possibly a sister. But her mom is very private. He’s a bit sozzled and slurs something I can't make out. Oh, Drunkard thinks her feelings are the same as his. Finally!! A sipping opportunity for the Reflection Tipplers.
Tania DRs she is a little worried about the other women. Dyed-in-the-Wool Dipstick voices over it was nice to see her comfortable. Juxtaposition, it is our entertainment. Alas, it is not a legitimate reflection and the air around me absorbs another few millilitres of my gin & tonic. I inhale deeply.
He asks if she could see him living out here, and she says yes. Thank god! Sip! They sit on the sofa noisily kissing. It’s stomach churning: smooch, smack, slobber, smooch, on the sofa, in the kitchen, by the door. The producers want us to resume Snog-N-Sipping but I won’t be swayed.
Duped can see a future with her for sure. They've opened the door but he won't leave! More smooching in the doorway. Doorstopper seems really interested and she looks upbeat and positive. It’s hard to pull away. It’s an illusion. This show is such a joke. My drinking game is such a joke.
Precrap, courtesy of everyone. Donut tells us there are two more dates with two more Amazing Women, like we didn't know. What's his problem? Has he got a hole in his head? Mary white-noises. Cyndi reissues her half-assed ultimatum.