Previously, I recapped the whole season. I even already recapped this finale, but then I thought, how about I let myself be even MORE cynical? So, here I am.
Last week we endured the blah blah Losers who blah blah Flapped Their blah blah Gums (well, 5 of them did, anyway). It was gooey. Speaking of gooey, let’s cut the cake and get right to the good stuff: the drinking game(s) for tonight. Because if you know me, you know I love a good drinking game.
Tonight's Drinking Game. Besides sipping for all the other games last week (see the recap – I posted it in here somewhere, dammit do I have to do all the work?), and the ones from last season (like Snog'n'Sip!) and the season before that, there's this week's game. I’ve already been sipping just a little. You see, I don’t sip while I take the notes, but I do sip as I re-read the tweaked notes. So, I'm a little blitzed and if stuff seems weird or there’s a typo or something, don’t panic or send a PM to Webby or anything. You could post here if you liked.
Anyway, our starter game. It’s called “Hurt Mary” and it’s coincidentally the name of today's game and the state that Poor Mary is/was in: she is both Mary Hurt Before and Mary Feeling Your Pain After, not to forget Mary's Parents Who Were Hurt When Mary Was Hurt and if two or more concepts are uttered in the same breath then you earn a bonus sip. By bonus sip I mean 3 sips total, not just 1 extra sip, because it’s a sip for each mention PLUS the bonus sip. So you’ll need a lot of booze. A keg if you like beer, and a full 40 oz if you prefer vodka or gin. For wine-drinkers, figure at least 2 bottles. We’re going for blitzed, baby!
Rest assured that most previous games will be tapped when I feel like it. If you still enjoying playing Snog’n’Sip, then you’re mostly on your own. Anyway, whenever they recount the stupid journeys it’s about 90% snogging. Also, a new game will be announced later in the recap!! Hey look at me, precrapping the drinking games rather than the program!
And now, our Final 2: Mary, who’s been hurt before SIP! blah blah, Tania who is here cuz she didn’t hand out an ultimatum. Oh sorry, it’s Tanya (and breaking that habit is as easy as Search & Replace) and blah blah more stuff we’ll see 25 times over and over soon enough.
Palatial estate. Is that Byron's house? Wouldn't it be the coolest if Jen the Short Stocky and Overly Cheerful got to have her own penthouse apartment in Trump Tower? Oh barf – I’m starting to think of reasons to watch her season, beginning Jan 10.
This season? This season wasn't as bad as Jessie's or Blob's, but that's not a ringing endorsement. I mean, even being mentioned in the same breath as Jessie and Blob has to be cause for alarm.
Do you recognize the mansion from this angle? Is Mark L. Wahlberg going to appear and spin in a circle with his arms outstretched?
Getting Started. About bloody time too. Fishface and Sabrina his real wife go out to greet the black car bearing someone other than one or more of the little princesses. I mean, hello, it’s not a stretch limo. “Hello, Father.” Giggle. Nudge. Wink. His father is also named Byron (and honestly, now I think our FishBoy is pretty well-adjusted all things considered. It shows poor taste, not to mention lack of imagination, to name the son the same as the father. Stupid traditions.) Fishface Senior calls Fishface Junior “Byron Paul.” It’s a little twee for me.
Fishface BeePee explains in voice-over that his parents are d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d. Yet they put aside their squabbling and came to their son in his hour of need. Fortified with booze, they find a table outside and settle down to yak about the journey and the process and whatnot. Joan, who is so much more masculine than either her ex-husband or her son that I want to call her Joe-n, wants to know how much of an upstream journey it was. FishBoy is suddenly a lad of 17, flicking his hair and speaking of “ups and downs.” Oh wait, maybe he really isn’t talking about the Fantasy OverNight Swim & Spawns. FishBoy feels good with both women, they both know how to rub his fins in that special way but then he claims he doesn’t know yet which he’ll choose.
Doesn’t yet know? Is he insane? Has someone been withholding fish food from his tank? Is the oxygen level low? Cuz, honestly, I think he made the decision back when he took Cyndi's ultimatum under advisement, and then wriggled out of breaking her heart on a “deeper” level by bringing Tanya to tonight’s sipstravaganza.
FishDad says he’s seen ups and downs in his son’s life. I wonder if we need a drinking game for “ups & downs.” Fishboy says the first woman they’ll be meeting is Mary, who was hurt before (SIP), and her parents were hurt too! (SIP)(SIP). Byron continues that because they were hurt before (SIP), Mary might not bring her parents today (I’ve debated, but I think that deserves one too, so SIP!) He doesn’t want to pay for what someone else did before (SIP) and diaries that if Mary does bring her parents (SIP - because admit you thought it), that’ll demonstrate she’s committed. To what is anyone’s guess, but I grudgingly admit I suppose he means to the promise of their continued journey together.
Somewhere in America, there’s a knock on a door, and OMG! It’s Mary’s parents, Juan and Juana!!! In spite of being hurt before (SIP) they're back to possibly be hurt again (SIP!) Mary reminds us she doesn’t want her parents to go thru the possibility of being hurt again (which, yeah SIP, but go thru the possibility?) Mary’s speech is translated onscreen, “You’ve been hurt (SIP) watching me get hurt (SIP SIP!)” Her mom says, “We don’t’ want to see you get hurt (SIP!)” Dad helps out, “I felt terrible!” (SIP SIP!)
I can’t straight see. How’m I gone fishnni this recap? Better lay a coffee and have down. (Hic!)
Later... Mary and her parents arrive at the mansion and FishBy greets them in Spanish … correctly! Juan & Juana are ready to welcome him into the family. BassMasster is esctatis that Mary took the leap of faith. Take a sip. G’wan, I know I wasn’t the only one thinking, ‘in spite of having being hurt before!’
The families toast to Never Being Hurt Like That Again (sip.) Mary over-shares: "Byron shows me the way.” It may be that sort of recap, but it’s not that sort of show. They seat themselves across from one another to throw us all off the scent. The drunken thought occurs that Bassy was trying to mislead his parents, to make them think he liked the other girl better, so they’d speak from their own sense of Mary and not from some pre-conceived notion based on what they SAW unfold before their eyes. It’s convoluted, but it’s a theory.
Mary espagnoles about Bassboy’s bass-mastery, and Byron helps with his limited but at least serviceable Spanish. Guess what!??! Juan was a fisherman in Cuba. Isn’t that, like, fate or something? One Mom diaries that the other parents seem like real people, making them a welcome change from the usual cardboard cut-outs she’s been meeting.
Juan has Mary help question Bassy on his true intentions. Bassy hopes to find his soul mate. (But if he meant that, wouldn't he have said it enough times so we could have made a drinking game out of it?) Juana DRs she doesn’t want to see Mary get hurt again (SIP!), on account of the otra muchacha.