The Amazing Race 5 - Episode 8 Summary

'Cash? Not!: A Lovely Bunching, And Colin's Nuts' By Estee

And who’s going to finish first? We knew that already, too. Thanks to endless repetitions of ‘faster’ and orders not to stop for anything or anyone, Colin & Christie pull into the Pit Stop in the pole position, to be greeted by Phil, their Bedouin host, and special guest star Montecore, looking exceptionally healthy after his vacation time in the dry desert air. Their prize for finishing the leg first is a Caribbean vacation, which they can enjoy right now: there’s a plane waiting at the airport to fly them away. Sadly, they opt to continue the race.

Christie c-t admits to having a problem with stressing out over fears of being in last place, then says she never should have been angry with Colin. This is going to look really good when the trial starts. Think she’ll be able to plead mind control?

Brandon & Nicole check in as Team #2 while C&K check into the nearest dune: it’s their turn to go off the trail and get locked into the sand, and as with the Moms, trying to churn their way out isn’t working, plus they’ve used up their one manifestation of divine power for the day. It’s a race to see whose tow truck is going to reach a vehicle first – but, while the editing shows the Moms as getting free ahead of their competitors, the second tow truck (apparently departing on its rescue mission from the finish line, which C&K were closer to) gets Apostle Chip and his follower out of their quagmire before the Moms can fully catch up to them – his tow truck driver agrees to accept an IOU – and the race for that precious two-minute separation before the next bunch point is on again – especially since the unknown amount of time spent stuck in the dunes just let the Twins catch up to their jump point, and the parachutes are visible in the sky…

With only a couple of car lengths separating them from Linda’s bad driving, C&K barrel into the finish line and race for the clue box, trying for those extra few feet before gravity catches up with the Twins (a process that would normally take a few more years). They receive their clue and camel, then start down the path with the Moms close behind and the Twins visible drifting down behind them. And once again, unless something drastic happens with said dubious mode of transportation, third and fourth place are locks.

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Remember when I mentioned this was going to be a non-elimination leg? Doesn’t that feel like a really long time ago?

The Camel, The Wife, And The Holy Chip check in as Team #3, with Phil (who must be missing Charla & Mirna something fierce) drawing His Radiance in for a close hug as he welcomes him to the Pit Stop. The power has still been used up for the day, and no further invention or sudden appearance of Carmen Electra occurs. (However, somewhere in Las Vegas, her husband gets dealt a large number of awesome pocket cards and goes on to win his table at Celebrity Poker Showdown. Coincidence…?)

The editing does its best to flip between the teams and make it look like a lead change might have occurred, but we know better: the Moms check in fourth, with Linda c-t believing in their ability to reach the last leg and win – and the Twins are the last team to arrive.

But, sadly for us all, what I predict three times is true: it’s a non-elimination leg (and, for the first time that I can remember, a non-Roadblock leg, which means that I’ve taken up all this space on one Detour and Colin’s extended rant – anyone wanna form a new kind of summary club?), and the only result is the same one we got for the Moms in Egypt: the Twins are broke, which is God thanking them for donating so much money during church services. All of their money has to be turned over to Phil. (Credit where credit is due moment: there’s a lot of it. Either the Twins have been exceptionally harsh on their tips, careful with their spending, or they’ve been using their airport downtime to check every coin return in the vending machine plaza. Until the moment they emptied their pockets, Kami & Karli were flush. Hmmm. D’you think the other Racers have been keeping a close eye on their wallets during the rest periods…?)

They’re out in the desert without a penny to their name. The other teams don’t necessarily love them, and they’ll leave after Pope Chip would have gotten a chance to help them. Whatever will they do to pull themselves out of last place?

Their reply: ‘We’re resourceful. We’re young and cute. We think we can figure out something.’

In the interests of fairness, I have to point out that:

1. Your only real resources just went bye-bye.
2. Well, you’re young…
3. Harem girls do not get paid by the hour.
4. There aren’t enough veils in the world to get you two started.
5. Which means you’re going to have to think your way out of this. And if I have to explain the problems involved in that…

So. What are you really going to do?

‘We are so going to lie to people.’

And somewhere in the world, two women named Adria and Natalie briefly feel very proud of the example they’ve set for twins everywhere.

Five legs remaining.
One bankrupt set of future low-bid slave goods.
One morally bankrupt pair of Christians.
One ongoing investigation by the Church, looking for the three miracles that will allow formal induction into the ranks and create the Patron Saint Of Reality TV.
One ongoing delusion of finishing the race, finishing first, and giving the virtual finger to thousands of fitness professionals around the world.
One tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood.

Next stop: Strid333 and Calcutta. Peace, over and out.

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