And now, we return you to Calcutta for continuing, live coverage on WRTW, where we combine the thrill of victory and the length of the Jerry Lewis Telethon:
Esbea: Welcome back to RE:TAR! Your source for news and updates regarding The Amazing Race. These commercial breaks seem like they’re just getting longer and longer. Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about sponsorship. As always, Im joined by Rory ("WOOF!") and Landru, Head of our Underworld Bureau, to give you the uninterrupted low-down on the progress of this race. Landru, any predictions on what we're going to see on this leg? What exactly is it that makes this race so darn amazing?
Landru: I think it's safe to say that overall, we're going to see some whining, which has been a key to every episode of every season so far. Of course, with dullards like Team Tattoo and Team Pizzaboy no longer in the race, the whining has become louder, more focused, and more drawn out on any given small obstacle that these whores encounter in their no-doubt undesired chance to win a whole crapload of money for getting their ugly and otherwise not particularly objectifiable selves on television.
Of course, in addition to whining, there's backbiting, which is a more refined form of whining. I hope, as do we all, that we see not only the usual garden-variety sniping at other people running around the world and insulting other cultures to win the CBS/Bruckheimer Lotto, but some really high-quality internal backbiting. Of course, one team handles our entire government-approved daily ration of backbiting, that team being the ubiquitous Colin and Not Colin, who have to date won something like nine post-"Race" vacations from finishing "race" legs in first place. I'll also tell you what we're not going to see on this leg, and that's an elimination. There is just no way in heck that the gods will smile on us enough to allow us to witness, and comment on, any of these sorry sons of dogs'--sorry, Rory...
Landru: ...Love you, Rory, don't ever change, but can you do something about that drooling for me? There's a package of pork chops in it for you later on. Anyway, we're just not going to be so blessed as to see any of these cringing fvcktards take a ride in the plumbing. I'm sure it's all because we were lustful or covetous or slothful or something. Finally, as to the amazingness of this not overwhelmingly race-like thing, I don't see any. Never have, never will. Of course, this is news to my faithful legions of adoring and otherwise adverbial followers, including Ms. Wheezy Hamster of some large state in the middle of the continent, and Mr. Fester Ravensfan of some tiny edgeville media market, and Ms. Augie TotalNonDoggie of the opposite edge of Mr. Ravensfan's tiny media market, and Ms. Moonbaby Urbanite of The Greatest City on This Continent, and My Personal Favorite, Ms. Bebo Wahoo of pretty much the same place my mother lives, and...oh, I'm sorry, did you want to say something, boo-boo-kitty...er, Esbea?
Esbea: I think it had something to do with brevity and sucking up........Anyhoo, I’ve got to disagree with your stance on elimination. I think we're going to see a team take a dive, kick the bucket, and take the train to Loserville tonight. But thems the breaks when you try to write some of your summary early. Right, boy?
Landru: I am unfamiliar with this "brevity" of which you speak. Back when I was a young velociraptor, cruising the forest primoridial for my next meal, I used to...
Esbea: You know what else we're going to see? Philnominal commentary by our roving reporters. Frankly, I don’t know why anyone would follow the Race anywhere else. Our own Samiam caught up with Colin and Christie here at the pit stop right before they were ready to leave. Sami, what'd you find out?
Sami: I'm here with Colin & Christie, who were first to the pit stop on the last leg. How did that feel, Christie?
Christie: It felt –
Colin: We worked really hard, we played really hard, and we definitely deserved it. We're smarter than the other teams. But then, used handkerchiefs could have beaten the rest of this pack of losers. We RULE!
Christie: Yeah, what he said.
Sami: So what are you two thinking about going into this next segment of the Race?
Colin: We're good enough, we're smart enough, and we don't give a goddamn if people like us or not. We're here to compete, and we're here to win! Right, Christie?
Christie: I like puppies. They are just the cutest things!
Sami: If you hadn't been way ahead of everyone else, and you hadn't already taken a Fast Forward, would you have shaved your heads last week?
Christie: Well, I –
Colin: Of course she would have. She's my woman, and my woman is tough. She can take it. I mean, it's just hair. If I want to drag her back to my cave, I can always just buy a leash for her. Right, honey?
Christie: Um, Colin? I don't –
Colin: There is nothing we won't do to win this race. Boo-yah!
Christie: Actually, honey, I'm not sure I would have done it. It's kind of a big deal, shaving your head. You know?
Colin: Why do you have to contradict me in front of all of these people? You always do this! You're never supportive of me. I'm sitting here telling everyone how great you are, and all you can do is complain and make me look bad.
Christie: I'm sorry. That was SO cruel of me. Thank you for putting up with my horrible self! You really are too good to me!
Colin: You're damn right I am.
Sami: …And that's the kind of cohesion and cooperation that has propelled this team to win more legs than any other team in TAR history. Back to you.
Esbea:.......and if I catch you sneaking one more piece of lamb curry to Rory, Im gonna kick your evil butt all the way back to your “major” media market.........OH. We’re back.
Landru: You hear that, Rory? She just said you fart a lot.
Esbea: That about sums it up, as we watch Colin and Christie leave The Victoria Memorial here in Calcutta. Pardon the tears in my eyes, I guess I’m just a little sentimental. We got to eat rest and mingle with the other teams. Beside that unfortunate hot tub incident that Landru had with Colin, we’ve had a really great time.
Landru: At least I was wearing a bathing suit.
Esbea: Sez you. Probably the highlight of our time here involved watching Branicole begging for money, as they got stripped of theirs at the end of the last leg. They were a little hesitant at first to ask people for money, but soon got the hang of it. Our own fashionista Akim was skulking around the pitstop and filed this report:
Kim: Beggars CAN be choosers and Brandon shouldnt choose red shirts—especially man-boob-clinging ones. The colder it got, the more uncomfortable I became for him. He was also responsible for one of my personal favorite TAR moments when he was commenting on “his good looks” while begging from a gentleman in a turban. You just KNOW that the turbaned gentleman was thinking, “Turbans cover a multitude of hair sins, my son.” Brandon also needs to rethink his bell-bottomed athletic pants and his baggy bike shorts. Neither of them conjure up the “model” image. His blue, long sleeved t-shirt was the only saving grace of his week. More later on RE:TAR’d Fashion Update.
Esbea: Even though it took him out of his “comfort zone”, Brandon did most of the asking, though I think Nikki ended up doing the lions share of that actual “work” for the cash. Who says shes not pulling her weight?
Landru: I do. And she musta puked up about 40 pounds after that caviar incident.
Esbea: A girl can only be expected to eat so much fish, you know? C & C are suited up and ready to go at 2:35 AM. Colin is orgasmic when he reads that they are supposed to head for Auckland, New Zealand. When they land, they have to drive themselves 200 miles to the town of Roto-Rooter so Colin can get “snaked”. Rotorua, New Zealand is where everyone else will go to get their clues.
Landru: I am so pi$$ed that you beat me to that joke.
Esbea: Simmah donna....its about the only joke I get in the whole summary. Throw me a bone here. Laws here in India prevent our teams from booking their own tickets, so they have to visit a pre-selected travel agent in order to catch their flights.
Landru: Kinda makes you wonder what the criteria were for travel agent selection, doesn’t it? So, Rory, could you please catalog what time everybody left, in excruciating detail?
Landru: Okay, Esbea, I guess you’ll have to take it.
Esbea: Chip and Kim depart at 2:37 AM. After nearly an hours lag time, the Bowling Moms hit the road at 3:25. Another hour later, The Anorexia Twins skate outta the pit stop at 4:38. Finally, at just after 6 AM, Brandon and Nicole, hair intact and whispering prayers of thanksgiving, join our intrepid racers. Landru, do you think that God really HAS a horse in this race, so to speak? Does He have a vested interest in seeing Brandon and Nicole do well? And if so, how do you think this will effect Chip and Kims morale?
Landru: Well, as you well know, honeybun…uhm, Esbea, I haven’t been in direct contact with God for well over six thousand years. But we’ve seen evidence time and again that every time they pray, good stuff happens for them. I mean, that can’t just be editing, right?
Esbea: Hey, if editing can make me sympathetic to Ian when he was in Vietnam, it can do anything. And considering how well C & C are doing in this Race, one has to assume that Colin HAS actually sold his soul to the Devil.
Landru: We…uhm…actually have no record of that. I certainly can’t imagine us making a deal with someone as sorry as that piece o’ shite. I do see a receipt for someone marked “Not Colin,” but that one’s stamped “Contract terminated as valueless, return soul to sender.” So I need to talk to you about one commercial, that being that Gap thing with Sarah Jessica Parker, who is a hosebag who does it with a short guy, in addition to the fatal flaw of using three names, one of which is “Sarah” and two of which are not “Michelle Gellar.” She also dances like a white chick. Which she is. And Lenny Kravitz is in the thing. This is heinous. And the CBS promo was for the new fall season, including bidding on E-Bay for dinner with Rupert, which I wouldn’t want to do even if it didn’t include Rupert and did include a nekkid, drunk, extremely amorous Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Esbea: There were no commercials there, you moronic butt pirate. Besides, if Lenny wants to channel his mom on the whole Jefferson/Oreo couple thing, who are we to judge?
Landru: Don’t talk like that, love, they’ll be able to tell I wrote it for you. Just tell them about the travel agency, mmkay?
Esbea: In a stunning display of cranio-rectal inversion, Chip actually TELLS Colin where he can find the designated travel agency! Its been awhile since we’ve seen such a blatant display. Kim, can you tell us what the heck is on Chips head?
Kim: Oh dear God.....Chip—let the do rag die. Please. For the love of all that is fashionable, just stop. He is too old and way too hulkish to carry off this look with aplomb. Kim, meanwhile, took to wearing a scarf. Somehow this works much better for her. If only she would smile more. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person who can be so incredibly ugly one moment (scowling) and naturally pretty the next (smiling). Oh, and one more thing, Chip….don’t be shirtless on TV. Don’t. Ever. Really. Trust me here. That was bad. Bad, bad, bad. Only Terry and Ian in the paper underwear were worse. Back to you, Esbea.
Esbea: Thanks for clearing that up, Kim. When our teams arrive at Trident Travel, it becomes apparent that Chip’s generosity has once again hosed their team, as C & C get the only seats that are guaranteed all the way to Auckland. Chip and Kim have to take tickets to Bangkok and hope for the best from there.
Landru: Bangkok. I mean, is there ever a time when that city isn’t just the funniest damn place in the world?
Esbea: Funnier yet if Bangkok was near Bangalore. Ticketwise, The BM’s have the same luck. Flights begin to open up as the Twins arrive, and they get booked on a Quantas flight into Auckland. Brandon and Nicole have to run to the airport to make the flight to Bangkok and have no time to book ahead for New Zealand.
Since the airline counter doesnt open until 7:00AM, The Moms took a few minutes to talk with I AM HE, who filed this report:
Coming from broken homes, these two women never dreamed of becoming State Bowling Champions. And becoming State Bowling Champions, they could never have dreamed about the scandal that would ensue (it was widely rumored they used illegal performance enhancing drugs) and the wild lifestyle they were about to embark upon. But when middle age struck, and the stream of drugs and loose men dried up, where would they turn to deal with their depression and the emptiness that filled them? The Answer? Reality T.V.!
I_AM_HE: Thank you both for taking the time to chat.
Karen: Thank you, HE.
Linda: It’s a pleasure.
I_AM_HE: You two have had your ups and downs in this race.
Karen: God, we suck so much.
I_AM_HE: Before we talk about that, let’s talk about this last leg, where you performed pretty well. Cue the tape guys.
*The moms head down the water slide/ Linda browbeats a cabbie/ Karen performs the roadblock to the tune of “She’s a brick, house”*
I_AM_HE: You’ve had some close calls, but right now you’re in third place.
Linda: Now that we’ve climbed into the middle of the pack, we really think we can keep moving up. As long as we stay in the top 3, we’ll be in the finals, and then anything can happen.
Karen: Yeah, the other teams could die.
Linda: Here Karen, take your pills.
I_AM_HE: That reminds me, I need my “pills,” too. Linda, I noticed that you gave all of the answers to your pre-race questions on the official CBS website. Was it merely an oversight that you forgot to list domineering and controlling as one of your strengths and/or weaknesses?
Karen: Oh, she’s really not…
Linda: Well, I hardly think I can match Colin on that scale.
I_AM_HE: True dat. Karen, you two met when your sons were in Kindergarten, and have since become bowling partners. What life lessons from bowling are you able to bring to the race?
Karen: Well, we’re used to knocking the pins down. In a competition like this, we’re the pins. So you get knocked down, but you have to get up again.
I_AM_HE: Right. Somebody look into the copyright laws. You two were the first victims of the new twist this season: having to give up all your money. What were your initial thoughts on this, and how did you cope?
Karen: I thought we were screwed.
Linda: Speaking of scr... ummm, what I mean to say, is that we're freaking hot.
I_AM_HE: Yuck, thanks alot. That unwelcome image is going to be seared in my memory. But I guess that's not too bad if it's in the John Kerry sense of the words. Back to the inquisition: Some people say this isn’t really a race. Your reaction?
Linda: Some people say bowling isn’t really a sport either.
I_AM_HE: Point taken. These people are clearly insane and/or evil. Probably and. Like those people that say NASCAR isn’t a sport.
Linda: Now wait a minute. Those NASCAR idiots can only turn left. They clearly lack the skills of my husband, Mario Andretti.
I_AM_HE: Good God, woman. You’re a grown up, and married to another man. We’re trying to do an inspirational fluff piece here, can’t you keep your sophomoric adulterous crushes to yourself? Can we edit this? Crap.
Karen: What I think Linda was trying to say, is that if we can recognize ballroom dancing, synchronized swimming, and rhythmic gymnastics as Olympic sports, why not bowling???
I_AM_HE: Indeed. Somebody shoot me.
Linda: Exactly, Karen. When we win the million…
I_AM_HE: Oh good, this was my next question.
Linda: When we win the million, we’re going to form an exploratory committee to make Bowling an Olympic sport.
I_AM_HE: We’re running out of time, so let’s do some rapid fire questions. What has been your favorite moment of the race so far?
Linda: Any opportunity to drive recklessly.
Karen: That ride on the train in India with the dirty old men playing grabass. Ah, that takes me back.
I_AM_HE: Your favorite team of co-racers?
Karen: We love them all. Especially the ones that are already out.
Linda: But our favorite has got to be Charla. You should see that girl slide down a bowling lane.
I_AM_HE: Hardest part of the race?
Karen: Being away from my husband and kids.
Linda: Putting up with Mrs. Dependency. And not just emotionally, ifyaknowwhatimean.
I_AM_HE: Favorite color?
Karen: No, yelloaaaaghh!!!!
I_AM_HE: Well, it looks like the counter is opening up. Thank you both, it’s been a pleasure. Can these two women buck the trend of previous TAR winners? And can they parlay a victory into Olympic gold? Only time will tell. Back to you, Esbea.
Esbea: Thanks, HE. Youre really taking one for the RE:TAR team by hanging out with those two. I thought it particularly touching that you chose to wear that matching bowling shirt. Those Indians tailors can whip up anything on short notice, cant they? Kim, what say you?
Kim: The only thing I can say positively for the Bowling Moms is that they at least had the good sense to stick with vertical stripes, however, pairing said shirts with track pants is NOT an acceptable look for anyone, even chunky, middle-aged American mothers. It didn’t get any better when the bowling shirt got wet in the rat wheel, either, I’m afraid. I suppose we can be glad she wasn’t wearing white knit, though. I can’t remember who is who, but Blonde Mom is hereby ordered to get a new haircut. Perky bobs are only perky on people who don’t have unnaturally wide faces. She looks like a cartoon character, bless her heart.
Landru: Don’t I look divine in my sari?
Esbea: Uumm...sari..no...I’d have to go with the cartoon character assessment. As Branicole make it to the airport in time, our teams scramble to find a connecting flight into Auckland. Kami and Karli have no luck, but have to run to catch the Bangkok flight. When they arrive, they all find flights to New Zealand. Kami and Karli lie to the ticket agent trying to get an earlier flight and once again, are denied. At the very last second, they make the same flight as Kim/Chip and Brandon/Nicole. Not knowing that Karen and Linda took a different flight, they believe that the Moms are behind them. Which, indeed, they are. SeeBS adds to the tension by taking us to a commercial break.
Landru: And we’re back, after another tasty round of commercials that included a bunch of substandard crap, and CBS promoting a big surprise about whatever the next “race” “castoff” will reveal, which is funny considering that there will, if there’s an actual elimination, which there will not, be two people eliminated from the “race” and we usually call them “eliminations,” signifying their status as products roughly equivalent to human waste, rather than “castoffs,” which we usually reserve for beings booted from Survivor. Which, interestingly enough, CBS plugs next, with the roaring idiot caveman Rupert braying about contestants on Survivor: Vanuatu, which will be, as our colleague Fester pointed out recently, much, much better if it does not involve that fat hippie toad, He is particularly smitten by some blonde in an Elly Mae getup, who’s not going to have sex with you, because her best friend, it says in her Survivor bio, is Jesus Christ, so she’s probably getting all she can handle, thanks. The segment could’ve wrapped strong with a word from My Local News, which is, as always vastly superior to your local news because I live in a less Deliverance-like part of the country than you do, but My Local CBS Affiliate chose to add in some additional crap about cars, hardware, and paint before dumping back into the land of extinct birds with giant manmaries.
Isn’t it funny, Esbea, how I’m the only one who got the plug for My Local News, even though we’re sitting right next to each other?
Esbea: Hys-freakin-sterical Landru. Sounds like some type of compensation issue to me, but then, Im no psychologist. Our teams arrive in Auckland, and run for their waiting SUVs. The men, naturally, take the wheel. With this crowd, Im convinced its because they cant read a freakin map.
Landru: Interesting, really, that even though they’re driving vehicles, they’re on the wrong side of the road, which I suppose is possible because they’re in great bloody sport utility vehicles, unlike whatever Jesus would drive…
Esbea: Jesus envy?
Landru: That’s funny, Esbea…I think I just broke out in a rash.
Esbea: Here, have some kool aid...it’ll clear right up. Meanwhile, the twins and Kim and Chip are apparently having difficulty navigating these here fur-rin roads. They stop for to ask for directions blissfully unaware that the Moms brought their “A” game, and pass the others by actually reading the map. Sami had time to speak to Kim and Chip as they wandered aimlessly about the countryside.........Sami?
Sami: I'm wandering the backwaters of New Zealand with Chip & Kim. Let's see if I can get a few words out of them…You two have gone from worst to first and back again more times than J.Lo's been engaged. How does your strategy change when you're behind?
Kim: First of all, we try to be even nicer to Colin & Christie. The nicer we are to them, the worse they'll do.
Chip: Right, and that's definitely been played out every week exactly as we've planned. The worm has turned. They're set to snap really soon, and then we're SO in. We are bad mother –
Kim: Shut your mouth.
Chip: Anyway, second of all, we try to race smarter, not harder. The early bird gets the worm, and a stitch in time saves nine, and a penny saved is a penny earned.
Kim: Don't forget, baby, slow and steady wins the race.
Chip: Yep, we totally believe that. It gets us through the tough times. Well, that and Prozac.
Sami: Your team seems to enjoy and appreciate the venues you race through every week. What has been your favorite place to visit thus far?
Chip: Oh, Africa was the best.
Kim: And Egypt was pretty cool, too.
Chip: Okay, so Egypt and Africa were our favorites.
Sami: The Yield feature was introduced this season for TAR, and it seems to be a lovely little bit of torture to inflict on someone. Yet no one's used it. Why not?
Kim: Well, the team that gets Yielded sure wouldn't like it.
Chip: I'd definitely use it if I knew we were one of the last teams arriving to that point and there was only one other team behind us. That'd probably be a great time to use it, especially if that other team was really close behind us.
Kim: Yeah. But when in the world would THAT happen?
Sami: You guys seem to have a handle on things. Keep working hard, and we wish you the best for this leg.
Chip: Can I offer you a tip? I've only got twenties, if that's okay.
Sami: I…um…need to do some more research here, off-camera. I'll check in later.
Esbea: Thanks Sami, and good luck making it to the pit stop.
Landru: I’m sure she’ll be able to pick up a ride in some bar.
Esbea: The teams begin to arrive at the Rotorua Museum of Art to collect their clue. As they approach, we see the YIELD for this leg. Colin and Christie are followed by Brandon and Nikki, both declining to use the YIELD. They can only use it once, and they dont want to waste it. Here comes the Detour, Landru! We are in New Zealand, home of sheep and more importantly, sheep DOGS, right, Rory?...........Rory?....here, boy........ Oh well.....Landru, do you think our Detour is going to involve livestock?
Landru: Contrary to popular opinion, I don’t know nuffin about no livestock. Judging from the size of the manmaries on those sheep, I’d have to say yes. But let’s go to Ginger to find out:
Ginger here, virtually live from the Detour! Joining me and Phil today is new age composer, failed Olympic colour-commentator and alleged space alien John Tesh. John?
Tesh: It’s great to be here amidst the panoramic vistas of New Zealand for this Detour, Ging. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe a Detour is a choice between two tasks. The teams must decide which one to complete before they can advance. You know, I’m reminded of Robert Frost’s immortal poem-------
Phil (interrupts): You took my line!
Tesh: Sorry, guy. As I was saying, Frost’s “The Road Not Taken”-----
Phil: Listen, fvcktard, I only get about five scripted lines in this show. Week after week I say the same five things: What a Roadblock is, what a Detour is, what airline the teams are flying, “I’m sorry, but you’ve been eliminated” and “Colin and Christie, you’re Team Number One.” That’s IT. Never, EVER take one of my lines!
G: Er, perhaps we should take a look at Colin and Christie, now that Phil’s mentioned the Dynamic Sadomasochist Duo. As ever, they’re in first place heading into the Detour, which is a choice between---
Phil: I’ll bite you. I swear I’ll bite your ankle.
G: Kidding, Phil. Sheesh. Tell us about the wretched Detour.
Phil (with relish): Okay. Now, this is good. The name of the Detour is: Clean or Dirty? Clean is fast. Dirty is slow. Savor the innuendo. Teams that choose “clean” will be “sledging” down the Hellofabiglastdrop River, while “dirty” teams will basically troll through muck.
John: The first “sledge” was originated in Norway, where Hans Rusk fashioned a crude river boogie-board out of sticks and his own body hair. Today, the sport is the thirteenth fastest-growing event in the greater Auckland metropolitan area.
G: Sorry to interrupt, John, but there’s an amazing development in Colin and Christie’s car as they head for the river. (Listens to headset intently). Wait…it appears…no, that can’t be right…yes, folks, it seems COLIN HAS APOLOGIZED TO CHRISTIE. You heard it, and no one is more stunned than this reporter, but the Gods of Rehabilitation Editing have shown us the instant replay and yes, Colin has said “I’m sorry” not once, but TWICE!
John: This is historic. Colin searches the vast wasteland he calls his “soul” and comes up with a plausibly sincere apology…just in time for the final four! What a Competitor!
Phil: Actually, we just put saltpeter in his chicken vindaloo back at the pitstop. I mean, someone had to do something.
G: And now Colin and Christie don wetsuits and headgear from the Hannibal Lechter Easter Bonnet Collection…they’re jumping in to the river with the guides …
Tesh: Yes, TAR’s Rogue Dating Couple are careening and swooping down the whitewater like old pros. Christie’s about to take the final drop…WOW! That’s a big freaking waterfall, Ginger!
G: She’s caught in the hole in the bottom. We can see her sledge, but not Christie…could Colin’s earlier complete personality transformation have disoriented the poor girl? Ah, there’s Christie now.
Tesh: America is relieved. Let’s catch up with Colin and Christie at the take-out, shall we? Kids, you were magnificent just now. Do you have anything you want to say to the folks at home?
Colin: USA! USA! USA!
Esbea: Meanwhile, we see Kim/Chip and the Twins racing for the YIELD. Chip makes it there first, and thinking that the Moms are still way behind them, choose not to use the YIELD on Kami and Karli. The girls are shocked, and feel that Chip has “totally redeemed himself”. WTF are they talking about Landru?
Landru: I think it has something to do with that time they double-teamed him at the pit stop back in Argentina. They really didn’t appreciate the raw egg thing. But I understand that Ginger has more for us on this…you all bomb, G…wassup wit what’s goin’ down, baby, and don’t forget to stop by for some bifurcated action later on, mama...
G: Team Blue Lagoon is now at a giant puddle of scum the natives like to call “Hell’s Gate.” In a characteristically wimpy move, the Billy Graham Crusaders have chosen the “Slow ‘n’ Dirty” option of this detour, John. As you can see, the team is buried up to its joint photogenic tush in stinking muck, searching for that elusive used car parking lot flag.
Tesh: Talk about the Slough of Despond!
G: Yes, the kids appear to be in trouble. They’ve been scrabbling around in the mud for hours now.
Landru: Nicole’s whining is just incredible. She should be buried alive. And look, there’s a convenient giant pool of sucking mud. Could this be it for moose and squirrel?
Esbea: Dont forget, this team has the whole “Divine Intervention” thing going on. Though that mud cant suck more than my having to play straight man to everyfreakinbody in this summary. Maybe they should pray.
Brandon: Dear God, if you just get us out of this mud, I’ll devote myself to Your Work! I’ll heal the sick! I’ll give alms to the poor! I’ll even reconsider the head-shaving thing!
(plucks flag from between his toes)
Hallelujah! We are saved! Thank you, thank you Jesus! Thank you, Lord! And I was just kidding about the head shaving thing!
Landru: Once again, the power of the Lord guides Brandon directly to the clue. That God thing is a huge advantage for this team. One wonders why it didn’t work for those virgins the last time around. Could it be that because Brandon and Nicole are sexually promiscuous, they’re better able to channel the power of their faith in ways advantageous to them alone? I certainly think so; we’ve seen it time and time again in this season of the “race”.
Tesh: Exactly Landru, this is truly a scene out of Pilgrim’s Progress today…it appears Brandon and Nicole have been delivered out of the muck unto our waiting microphones.
G: Well, kids, what do you have to say about this Detour?
Nicole: I wanted to do the whitewater thing. But you know? I love Brandon even more when he’s being a complete weenie. This wasn’t so bad, Ginger. And the mud makes a fabulous exfoliant!
Brandon: I knew the Lord would help us get out of that mud. I had faith.
The Lord: Nope. Wasn’t me. I was watching the premier of “Real World Philadelphia.”
Esbea: Holy Crap Landru! The Moms have decided to sledge! Unbelievable! Its no wonder that they are doubting whether or not they can do it, though. They’re there...they’re waffling....
Landru: Another typical “race” trick, Esbea, wherein hopelessly middle-American contestants whimper about the difficulty of an adventure task, knowing full well that all adventuresome tasks move quickly and aren’t very dangerous, being perfectly possible for geriatrics, fat persons, vertically challenged persons, idiots, including media whores, clowns, hamsters, weasels, storybook characters, mythological characters, cartoons, and Phil, while the alternate non-scary tasks are usually dirty, smelly, lengthy, degrading, and about as much fun as a thirty-year prison term sharing a cell with a guy named “Tiny.” This coupled with their absolute foreknowledge that they would be facing tasks like these when they signed up to do this event. Detestable, really, the lot of them.
Esbea: Here they go! The video on this.....well....you just have to see it to believe it......
Landru: Gott in himmel, the sight of those two walruses in wet suits should get an NC-17 rating.
Esbea: Himmel has a late night show here, too? I hate it when people try to scam in our interviews! Do you think Linda is going to chicken out or actually head over that last waterfall o’ death?
Landru: I’m not sure the water will be able to bear her weight, Esbea. And now I understand we’ve got a report from that guy who lives in Mary Hart’s shadow? How is he interviewing Kim already?
Tesh: Kim, you braved the waves like a proud, Nubian seal. I can’t imagine what must be going through your mind at a time like this…
Kim: Chip should have taken the damn yield.
Esbea: That did seem like a huge error. A HUGE error. A HUGE ERROR.
Landru: I agree; not YIELDing the twins was a huge error. If there is an elimination—and mark my words, there won’t be—it will definitely be Chip and Kim. It’s well-nigh mathematically impossible for it to be anyone else.
Esbea: But...baby....you suck at math......Ginger, have you discovered which option the Anorexia Twins have taken?
G: Apparently the twins have chosen the Dirty route and are hunkering down in the bog now. Let’s catch up with our emaciated cuties...Karli, you guys appear to be in last place. What do you think the chances are of you finding this flag and not getting eliminated?
K: I’m Kami. She’s Karli.
K: No, I’m not. I’m Kami.
G: Well, the ladies have abandoned the quest for the flag and are now simply rolling in the mud, pulling out hunks of each other’s hair.
Landru: I agree, they definitely make everything too hard. They should just give up and go have hot girl-on-girl sex, as long as they do it somewhere where I can’t see them but Dweezil can.
Ginger: We’ll leave them to it and return to John on the riverbank, shall we?
Tesh: And look! For sake of summary brevity, here comes the Moms, who also looked whitewater death in the eye and spit Skittles in it!
Phil: The Moms have really hung in there. I thought they’d be eliminated by now.
G: CBS is on the line, Phil. They want you to stop improvising. The Moms finished the task an hour ago.
Tesh: Hey, why don’t you just get a little shopping done? New Zealand’s a great place to buy sweaters!
G: Phil...Phil, why are you edging John towards the river’s edge? Phil, be careful, John’s not wearing the protective headgear! PHIL!!!!!!!!!
Tesh: (SPLASH!) Help! Help! I’m reminded of the … (gurgles deeply) little…painted…bird…of……(gasps)…….the Ukraine…….HELP!
G: Hope those rescue helicopters make it here in time! In the meanwhile, let’s return to the RE:TAR studio for “live” coverage of the Roadblock. Be sure to tune in later, when Landru and Bob Costas will be joined in the WRTW broadcasting booth by Dick Buttons, bringing us a fascinating account of the complete de-evolution of mens’ skating since he won the gold medal in 1904. Ginger, from the Detour, signing off!
Esbea: After completing the Detour, the teams head for Matapara Farms. Colin and Christie in the lead, The BM’s closing the gap and running second, Brandon and Nicole slipping to third, Chip and Kim struggling to maintain their lead over the last place Twins. Landru, Im on the edge of my seat here.
Landru: This is another example of Jerry Bruckheimer’s mastery of the genre. Note how this kaleidoscopy goodness of action and adventure interspersed with willowy blonde girls wallowing in mud maintains both the viewer’s interest and the cliffhanging suspense right up to the last moment. Why, you’d never in a million years know that this is going to be a non-elimination leg. (Oh, for the love of…Rory! Rory! You’re supposed to herd those sheep, not…oh, the sheepanity! Here, boy, have some more curry!)
Esbea: Point well taken. And I think youre maxed out on Suck-a-Bruck points for this summary. By next week, you ought to have enough to get that Amazing Race Bruckpack youve been jonesing for.
Landru: I was looking for the Amazing Rack thingie, but I was having trouble navigating your Web site.
Esbea: You need to keep your thingie off of my website. In the meantime, we go live to Marapara Farms where Fester is doing the play by play on the Roadblock. Did you get a bigger headset Fester, or are you just happy to see me?
Fester: A bit of both, Esbea. I get emails every day telling me how I can upgrade my equipment, and I finally decided to take them up on it. Behind me, you are looking live at an average New Zealand ravine. Why are you looking at an average New Zealand ravine? Because it is the site of this episode’s Roadblock. Here to tell you about this Roadblock is none other than Amazing Race host Phil “Stop Looking at My Chest” Keo-phlegmproducinggutteralsound-an.
Phil: A Roadblock is a task that only one member may perform. In this Roadblock, the person must climb inside a giant, inflated ball, complete with protective outer shell and enough water to prevent chafing, and then throw themselves down this very steep hill.
Fester: That’s it? Just rolling down the hill in a spherical moonbounce?
Phil: No. Once they reach the bottom, they must “walk” the ball across that big red line. Then, they face the harrowing task of climbing back up the hill, on foot, to the pit stop.
Fester: Got it. Moonbounce roll plus hamster walk plus walking up a grassy knoll. I can’t remember when this show has seen this much danger and excitement in one task. What, all the Nerf balls and pillows in this country were unavailable?
Landru: Sweet Irish Christ on a wobbly crutch! Will you look at the size of those man-hooters? I mean, seriously, how does he carry those suckers around all day? Can you imagine him getting nekkid with someone? Anyone? How in hell would they stop laughing long enough to do whatever it is someone would want to do with a nekkid Phil? Y’know, Esbea, I haven’t noticed…does everyone Down Under Southeast have those things? I mean, I know a couple of Kiwi chicks, and they’ve only got B cups…what are those, like triple F?
Esbea: I had no idea you hailed from New Zealand! I’m really thinking that Phil’s have been augmented, Landru. They had a plastic surgery segment on “No Opportunity Wasted”, and you know Phil, he’s up for anything. Wait...I’m hearing from Fester....
Fester: Hold on guys, the first team approaches. It’s Colin and his future ex-wife Christie. Colin, who’s it going to be?
Colin: Who the fvck are you? Get the fvck out of my way. I’m trying to have fun here, goddammit. Babe, you are so not even getting into that little ball, so back off.
Christie: Right, sweetie. You always know what’s best for us. I’ll just sit over here and do what I always do with my alone time—picture you in a tank top drinking a Pabst.
Fester: Why do you even give that peckerwood the time of day?
Christie: Look at him. Du-uh.
Colin: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I totally rool!
Christie: Isn’t that cute?
Fester: I hope to God you two don’t procreate.
Christie: Oh, don’t worry. We’ll be so busy raising little baby Colins that I don’t think we’ll even have time to waste!
Fester: *Boggle* Well, it looks like your future conjugal visit has made it to the bottom. Go get him and climb back up the hill to the pit-stop over there. Hopefully Colin will call that Maori guy a “darkie” causing him to be pummeled beyond recognition.
Esbea: Wow, check out Colin. He did a back flip. No wonder Christies smitten. That kind of flexibility can pay off in other arenas.
Landru: Yes, I believe he was one of Dubya’s cheerleader teammates at Andover.
Esbea: awwww.....Christie says “he looks just like a little hamster”. She IS talking about Colin, right?
Landru: Either way, that’s just uncalled for, a vile slur against actual hamsters.
Fester: It seems our second team has arrived. It’s the fashion-forward bowling moms! Tell me Karen or Linda or whatever your suburban name is, can you explain your presence in this game as anything other than sheer benevolent will of a Higher Power?
Karen or Linda: God likes curvy chicks. What can we say?
Fester: You mean he’s not rooting for the Promise Keeper couple?
Linda or Karen: Pfft. Who do you think led them to that mud pit?
Fester: Good point. OK, which one of you is doing this task?
Karen or Linda: Yeah, like you can tell us apart.
Fester: Again, good point. Is this thing certified for 200 lbs.+?
Linda or Karen: Why, tubbo? You want a ride?
Fester: Is that bored housewife code?
Karen or Linda: Everything is code, baldy. Now get out of my way, I have a Hobbit village to crush! Towanda!!!
Fester: Right, well good luck ladies.
Esbea: Is there any way to tell which of them are actually doing the task here? Is it the medicated one or the snarky one?
Landru: No, love, they’re both medicated. The snarky one is Fester, who has another report.
Fester: Well look who it is. My favorite prayer buddies, Brandon and Nicole. How you guys doin’?
Brandon: We’re covered up to our extremely important hair in crusty mud that won’t come off no matter how much soap and penitence we do, but it’s the Lord’s path for us.
Fester: Riiiight. Nicole? I’m thinking if this were the Old Testament, you guys certainly would be at the center of some parable involving livestock with horns and goring. What do you think?
Nicole: There’s an Old Testament?
Brandon: Honey, he just means the King James version, not the Four Horsemen Millennial Edition you just picked up off E-Bay.
Nicole: Oh, right.
Fester: Brandon, you have pretty much weaseled your way out of every task involving a modicum of balls. How are you going to fink out on this easy task?
Esbea: Do you think its possible to weasel out of it by claiming that he’s NOT doing it out of consideration for Nicole? You could tell by the look on his face that he was waiting for her to volunteer to do this task.
Landru: He really is a sickening sack o’ sheep shite, idn’t he? I mean, every time he starts to break out in a case of panty rash over something perfectly easy and non-threatening, he starts talking about how lovely and perfect Nicole is and how he has to protect her, when it’s obvious she spent her entire beauty queen career as Miss Pincushion. You’d think such a misogynist pig would go for someone just a wee bit less slutty.
Brandon: I don’t see what’s so easy about this. I mean you could lose an eye rolling down that sloping grassy hill in a soft balloon.
Fester: I’m surprised you haven’t lost one drinking out of your sippy cup.
Nicole: Hey babe, how’d he know about your cup?
Brandon: Because you keep telling everyone! You are such a blabbermouth, Nic. If I hadn’t already committed myself to you in Holy, pre-nuptial, totally abstinent, mostly platonic, and completely non-binding matrimony, I might think about not not-dating you.
Nicole: Brandon, you say the most hurtful things sometimes.
Fester: Hey guys, about this non-threatening task…
Brandon: All right, all right, I’ll do it. But if I die, it’s on your conscience.
Fester: Nicole, are you completely brainwashed by this milquetoast patriarch-wannabe?
Nicole: I have no idea what you just said. Babe?! What did he just call you?
Brandon: Aaaiiiiiieeeee! Mommy, mommy, mommy! I WANT MY MOMMY!
Nicole: See, he loves his mom. Who could ask for more?
Fester: Whatever. Go pick up the pieces of your shattered man and get thee to the Pitstop.
Esbea: Speaking of the pit stop, it seems to be in a pasture this week. So much for glamorous digs. Theres nothing like sharing a pup tent with 16 other unwashed people for a mandatory rest period, is there? Lets go to our Fashion Diva, Akim, who is with Phil at the mat. Kim....uuhh....what the blazes is going on there?
Kim: As much as the fans expect it, I can’t comment on Phil’s appearance. He’s just a lost cause, I am afraid. This week’s frightening flare leg jeans and total lack of sweater (despite being in the land of sheep and wool—a wool blend, at least, was a given) have left me with absolutely no interest in what Phil wears…besides, I was temporarily blinded by the wad of bling around his neck.
Esbea: Landru, is that a Muppet at the mat with Phil or what?
Landru: Uhm…judging from the tatts on the guy’s face, I’m guessing it’s Mike Tyson…but no, his voice doesn’t sound enough like Michael Jackson. A Muppet it is, love.
Esbea: If Bruckheimer has any sense at all, Tatt man will chuck his spear at the last team in. Oh looky..here come Colin and Christie. First place again, AND they win a vacation.
Landru: What’s that, like their fourteenth free vacation so far? I don’t know why they give out these little prizes in non-elimination legs, anyway. And if there’s an elimination tonight, you can spank my butt and call me Kyngsladye.
And where’s “Romantic Europe,” anyway? Is it anywhere near the part where they empty chamberpots on your head as you walk by? Or was that just me?
Esbea: “Romantic Europe” is where they have bidets. That way you can wash your bits and just go about your day without the bother of actually showering. They haven’t emptied chamberpots like that in about a hundred years. You really need to get out of hell more often. Sami, what do those wacky kids have to say for themselves?
Sami: I'm here again with Colin & Christie, the winners of this nearly-last leg of TAR. I have to say, you guys are the odds-on favorites to win this thing.
Colin: Duh. We totally rule.
Christie: Yeah, what he said.
Colin: Good girl.
Sami: You've won 1,286 trips to various places during the course of TAR. Which one are you going to take first?
Christie: I'd like –
Colin: We're going to Europe first, then Australia, then Mexico, then Brazil, then Japan, then Canada…
Christie: Do we have to go to Canada? I don't even like ginger ale.
Sami: How do you think being in the race has affected your relationship?
Colin: I think it's made us a lot stronger. I would not trade this girl for any other in the world. I love you, honey. Boo-yah!
Christie: Did you say something? I'm sorry, I was busy grooming you.
Sami: From a mat in the middle of a field, this is samiam. Back to you.
Esbea: Fortunately, Phil has stipulated that they can’t take the vacation until AFTER the race. Good thing, too. It would be just the excuse Christie needs to leave Colin’s Ugly American azz rotting in a third world prison.
Here come the Moms and they’re..........team number two! Look, they’re getting all teary. Must be time to re-med.
Landru: What’s with that dramatic pause every time someone comes in, anyway? They know bloody well what position they’re in. Is Phil only able to say a few syllables at a time because those giant hooters restrict his breathing?
Esbea: He’s got to do something for entertainment. Sometimes he even gets to cop a feel if the contestants are happy enough. Though I doubt that’s the case in this particular circumstance. Brandon, looking like a drowned wuss, shows up with Icky Nikki to secure third place. Im looking forward to someone having to sheep shear this dude.
Landru: If one billion Indians couldn’t get it done, who’s going to? But wait, I understand we’re getting another report from my homeboy Fes. What’s the shazizzle, Your Bulbousness?
Fester: Looks like Chip and his wife, what’s-her-name, have arrived. Hey, Chip. Do I even need to ask who’s doing this task?
Chip: Hey now. Be nice. My wife has done one Roadblock, which is one more than Mirna ever did.
Fester: Whaddya say, wife? Are you ready for some safe hill-rolling?
What’s-her-name: Hay-ell no. Why do you think I dragged his fat ass out on this race? If I wanted to do challenges, I would’ve asked someone else.
Fester: Dood. You are so giving a bad name to us bald guys here. Do you have to be so freaking whipped?
Chip: Sorry man. I gots to do what I gots to do. And right now, I gots to roll down a hill in a life-sized hamster ball. I gave up on pride a loooonnnnggg time ago.
Fester: Round about the time you shoveled 3 lbs. of fish eggs into your pie-hole in about half an hour?
Chip: Yeah, somewhere between there and the giant ostrich egg.
Fester: Well good luck, my brother in baldness. You’ll need it.
Landru: What’s she mean, “you’re gonna do it?” Has she done any roadblocks so far? Who is this beeyotch, Omarosa? Dayum, Chip has to be the most unfathomably whipped contestant since Zach. Just look at the way she handles that flogger as she forces him to do all the work. Masterful.
Esbea: Its a cryin shame, ain’t it? But you have to admit, flipping around in that ball would totally wreck her ‘do. A girl’s gotta keep that in mind when meeting up with Phil for those mingle moments at the pit stop. At least Omarosa actually did some work, so I don’t think that’s a valid comparison.
Esbea: And...here they come. Oddly, Chip doesnt comment about everyone looking like him here. He has a nice chat with Phil, saying that if he had to do it again, he’s totally have used the YIELD. Kim looks on the verge of nailing him in the crotch.
Landru: I agree with Chip here that they should’ve used the Yield. Their venture into carebearishness almost cost them the race, and I said so when it happened. This is a hotly contested competition, and to fail to waffle stomp your competition when the opportunity presents itself is just plain goofy. I suspect that they only failed to skewer the blonde lesbians on the horns of an hourglassine dilemma because they knew, as we do, that this is a non-elimination leg.
Esbea: You're outta your freakin mind. Someone’s going DOWN! What do you say, we sample some of the local Shiraz while we wait for the twins to show?
Landru: That’s some seriously happenin’ grape, innit?
Landru: Isn’t it amazing how dark it got? I mean, the Twins were so close behind. The sun must go down really fast in New Zealand, because gravity works faster that far south. That’s probably why they all have those manmaries, don’t you think?
Rory: Dood...you so dont understand the physics of gravity.
Esbea: Finally, here they come. Fester?........Fester......?
Fester: Zzzzzzz…Zzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz…Zzzzzzzz
Twin 1: Yo, bulb guy! You mind lighting that thing up so we can see what the hell we’re doing here?
Fester: Bwuh…huh? Oh, right. Picked the mud, did you? Nice call.
Twin 2: Shut up, black-and-white man. It’s all her fault.
Twin 1: Is not.
Twin 2: Is too.
Twin 1: Is not.
Twin 2: Is too.
Fester: Hey! You guys wanna finish this thing up so the crew can go home? Go climb in the ball, one of ya, roll down the hill, go see Phil and let him kick your dim-witted asses out of this race already.
Twin 1: Damn. That’s cold.
Fester: Well, if you two hadn’t sucked so bad, I could be at home, instead of standing in the dark in some backwater cow pasture that Peter Jackson couldn’t even work into the 27 hours of The Lord of the Rings.
Twin 2: Well, when you put it like that…
Twin 1: Just get in the damn ball already!
Twin 2: Whatever. I’m so not letting you wear my clothes anymore, beeyotch.
Fester: You can actually tell your clothes apart? Oh now, we HAVE to go to Kimmah on this one.
Kim: *sigh again* To be so thin and pert, they are complete fashion disasters. Baggy sweats, baggy jackets, baggy shirts, scraped back hair and no makeup. It’s a good thing this isn’t a race for a spouse because they’d have been out of the game some time ago. If you’re going to be a screaming, shrill shrew then you really need to have something happening for you in the appearance department.
Twin 1: Of course we can tell our rags apart. Hers are the ones with the mysterious stains.
Twin 2: You are such a whore. I can’t believe you would say that. I hate you.
Twin 1: All right, fine. I’ll do it. Wench.
Fester: That’s what I love to see, families working together. Well, that about wraps it up here at the goat-scented hills of Matapara Farms, New Zealand. Back to you for their spanking at the mat.
Esbea: Thanks Fes. This was a pretty nice break for us, eh Landru? That Aborigine roasts a mean sheep. Here they come.......Phil tells them that they are the last team to arrive.....they look hopeful.....but NO! It appears, Landru, that they HAVE beeen eliminated!
Landru: Yes, as I predicted all along, the twins were earmarked for elimination from jumpstreet, essentially because this show does not tolerate homosexuality for one moment. I can’t imagine a team as gay as those two ever winning The “Amazing” “Race”
Esbea: um.....yeah. Youve obviously been sucked into the right wing casting conspiracy at CBS. Forget TAR All-Stars, I think theyre going to have TAR Twinrace. How many freaking sets of twins have we had? The only thing missing is twin midgets...but they are filming TAR 6 even as we speak, so anythings possible. Who is our RE:TAR player of the week Landru, and what do they win?
Landru: Our RE:TAR’d player of the week is KamiKarli, for their splendidly athletic decision to go roll in the mud for hours rather than simply spending 15 minutes shooting the rapids, like even the fat unathletic teams did. For this spectacular act of courage, they win a 5-year, no-cut no-trade contract to work the Wednesday night nekkid mud-wrestling shift at Dweezil’s House o’ Cheesecake in Des Moines, Iowa. Congratulations, you fvcking twits.
Esbea: There’s no doubt about that one, Landru. They’ll go down in the RE:TAR’d Hall of Fame. Tune in next week to see Chip confront his fear of heights since Kim won’t do a damn thing, C & C have a meltdown in Manilla that promises to be a thrilla, and one of the remaining teams faces the “Ultimate Betrayal”. Who knew The Lord would use the YIELD?
From the WRTW Studios, on behalf of Sami, He, Kim, Fester, Rory AND Landru, this is Esbea saying “Keep it real, and if you cant, at least make sure the editing flatters you”. Good night!