Before we begin, I must thank the Good Lord for his blessing of not one, but two, of the most appalling examples of inhumanity in the history of reality television. And thank you Lord as well, for having the biggest a-hole in the history of the show named for the lower end of the digestive tract.
Truly, the Lord Our God watches over idiots, fashion models . . . and summary writers.
Previously, five teams set out from Coldcuts, India and raced to RotoRooter, New Zealand. The Fembot twins cried in the airport, but thanks to the wonders of amphetamines, managed to get on the same plane with everybody else. The Diseased Colon and his little Polyp fought over driving directions, eventually The Colon managed to excrete the words "I'm sorry." Doesn't matter, she's still his little colostomy bag.
The Pinheads were afraid of everything, and still finished second because they are tougher than blond CurlyMen. Chip and some useless woman who follows him around (let's call that one Kim) joked about using the Yield, only because it's a concept worthy of ridicule and certainly nothing any respectable racer would ever stoop to employ. Ha Ha, joke's on them, they are in a race to the finish with the Fembots. Of course Kami And Karli went the wrong way for 2000 miles, and eventually finished the race sometime in late August. Funny, Phil doesn't mention Brandon and Nicole, or mud wrasslin for Jesus.
Now the twins are no more, which is good because they were completely vapid and probably a good inspiration for Halloween. Plus they were the same height, so who could tell them apart?
And as usual, Phil asks the question "Who will be eliminated next?"
In past seasons, this was a sure tipoff for a non-Philimination leg. But now Phil says it every week, so you can never be sure. Still, we've been confident that, as in all previous seasons, this will be an elimination leg, and a doozy to boot. This is the TARditional "Tears of a Clown" elimination leg, where a likable team gets the ax and six fans rant on the Internet for three months. No red noses this time, but we might be putting bowling pins in our sigpics. Yes, if editing history tells us anything, it is farewell to someone . . . someone beloved. And certainly not Recto-Colon and the cancerous little Polyp. Oh no, we need that team for the finale so that they can be humiliated at the finish line.
Cue the credits, which include a dancing dwarf (Twin Peaks II?) and a bunch of hideous miscreants who may or may not have actually appeared on the show. (Hmm, that Alison chick sure looks familiar...)
******************** Expedia.com, which wants to help your wife get laid by a real man in Hawaii; Aveeno lotion, to help clean up the rash she'll get from that syphilitic surferboy; Denzel Washington gets angry over some burning rash of his own; and some crappy Hyundai gets followed around by a band touting it's "Initial Quality" ranking among the world's entry-level midsize cars. Tangent: Really good "Initial Quality" means it's a really good car, until you actually use it. "Initial Quality" is not for choosing a car, it is for choosing toilet paper. Next commercial has Ramona Gray taking a bath in all her clothes because she's afraid to put them in wash with new StinkyDowny. And is your dog really fat? Then buy him lots of really expensive Pedigree dog food, which scientifically simulates the balanced diet your dog would be on if your just fed him less crap. BAGHHH! It's Rupert! And Christine Lahti is doing a TV movie about how great it is to be a middle-aged woman. Yes, it's science fiction. *******************
We return to the show, and Phil blathers on about beautiful New Zealand, where Lord of the Rings was filmed. We see scenes of the mandatory rest period, wherein Linda eats, Brandon sleeps, Nicole flirts with Chip; and Recto-Colon visualizes dismembering all the other contestants. Finally, we get started. Recto-Colon and Polyp depart at 4:56 a.m. She is wearing a tight white tanktop and an appalling lack of appropriate foundation garments. Apparently she intends to flap her expensive artificial boobery around the South Pacific all day. She is also wearing loose gym shorts that say “TexASS” on her prominent behind.
Anyway, they must drive to the Westhaven Marina in Auckland, find a yacht and get the clue off one of the ropes. (Thank you, Mr. Exposition Hands.) Sadly, they are not squashed by a Zorb, although one is tethered there in the middle of the night to serve as a prop. As the leaders drive off, Colon exudes (excretes?) supreme confidence. He's convinced he's the smartest one left in the race. Polyp laughs at the other teams and says, "Everybody else suuucks!"
Linda and Karen depart at 6:23 and reveal they've been given $120. As they get in the car, Linda declines a look at the map. Naturally, 15 seconds later they are lost and screaming at each other over the map.
Brandon and Nicole leave at 6:46 and declare it is time to get serious. Of course, these are fashion models who fear haircuts, so how serious can they really get?
Doo-raggin Chip and Kim depart at 7:02 and vow they won't be diplomatic anymore. He promises, "Forget friends." (For those not paying attention, last week's promo clip promised a betrayal. This would be the obligatory foreshadowing.)
Recto-Colon and Polyp arrive at the yacht and collect the next clue, which reveals the Roadblock. Recto-Colon will do this since it does not involve the unmanly cooking and eating of eggs. In this Roadblock, one person must climb a 75-foot rope ladder to the underside of the Auckland Harbor Bridge, walk along the girders to meet the charming young lady holding the next clue, and then leap off the bridge to be lowered back into the boat.
The other teams are all en route to the marina as Colon begins to climb. Polyp tells him to take his time because they are way ahead. Colon says he has no fear of physical challenges, and bungies down to the boat. The next clue tells them to fly to Manila, capital of the Philippines, and find an auto shop called Malaguena Motors. They are off to the airport with a big lead.
Branicole arrives at the yacht and collect the clue. Nicole bullies Brandon into doing the Roadblock, and he whines about it before imploring, "God, help me." Good thing Brandon's got God on speed dial, or he'd have been out of this race four continents ago. Chip and Kim get the yacht clue, the Pinheads get lost again.