Well, buckle in as we’re back for a fifth episode of non-Burnett produced chock full of Bruckheimery goodness the almost not quite astounding positively allegedly somewhat racelike yet not really competitive unless you consider airport scheduling to be an Olympic sport semi almost contested free trip around the world by teams of spoiled Americans with a pre-existing relationship who complain their way around the globe while failing to appreciate the wonders around them not a race. I’m only one full sentence in and I’m already clocking at 96 words so if I can just keep cranking out the hundred or so words apiece sentences there is no reason not to expect a new personal record at summary long windedness ‘cause I’m just evil like that, not evil in a bad way but your favorite kind of old comfortable evil that you slip into like a comfortable old sweatshirt when you are rooting against your most hated college sports team, yeah that’s it, frighten the iguana, or something equally intelligent from that alleged college’s sports marketing department, not that it is much of a college and not that they will ever win another game in the new and improved ACC but they have the cutest little sports slogan, I mean, “Frighten the Iguana”, if that doesn’t strike fear into the Seminoles and Hurricanes I don’t know what will and oh yeah Go Hoos. Of course now I am 247 words in and I really haven’t addressed the show opening although MacGuyver, I mean Phil, has been telling us as always about the 11 teams that started out on the race and brakk brak brak brak braaaakkkk and there are now 7 teams left and we head to commercial.
Commercials: Not only do we get to hear that tonight’s show is brought to us by Expedia but our first commercial is that one with the couple in the exotic locale and the big honking mosquitoes kind of the Indiana Jones like overkill exposure to mosquitoes for Expedia... then an Exorcist the Beginning trailer... a Nordic style blonde for 30% larger tic tacs ‘cause that’s what we really need... an African American family and their player son for Verizon “in”... a Philip Morris sponsored anti-smoking PSA because my media market is so much more tobaccoey than your media market which by default makes my media market much much more major than your media market because everyone knows cigarettes are cool and glamorous or why else would all those celebritneys smoke them in all those movies... Connie Nielsen the annette benning younger sister lookalike for Neutrogena despite her perfect skin... MJ for Hanes tagless for kids... and shockingly CBS 48 Hours has yet another shocking murder mystery to expose and how do they keep coming up with new ones I’d look into the 48 hours producers for contract killings but that is just the way my evil mind works and hey, we’re brak from commercial...
Not that I have peeps but if I had them this is where the obligatory shoutouts would go but I won’t be doing any shoutouts ‘cause that’s what I gave up for Lent or something, nope definitely no shoutouts to see here not even if you carefully keep track of the numbers I list in this summary and counting from the start of the summary use those enumerated words to form a sentence or something easter eggery like that, nope no shout outs and its not a parody, its an homage so I definitely couldn’t do shoutouts even if I evilly wanted to. nope not one. hey
So, Catherine’s Palace in St Petersburg is the starting point for this leg of the race. We get to see some of the team hobnobbing shots from the mandatory 12 hour pitstops and strangely enough everyone is eating for such a short timespan after the caviar forced gurgitation ordeal. More curiously, Mirna is seen cutting Schmirna’s food for her in the background of this shot. I cannot say how strange this is as they are both adults and this is just the first of many little ways in which Mirna will be taking the wraps off the M word in this episode, once and for all. There will be no more politically correct dancing around with the terms dwarf or little person. She’s a midget. I know ‘cause I heard it from a certain clown, and if Mirna having Schmirna dance on command like a trained poodle wasn’t enough, wait until you see how she treats her tonight.
Anyways, Chip & Kim - team Token are first out at 9:11am and they are to take a train to the Hermitage Museum to find a specific Rembrandt, the Return of the Prodigal Son. As if adding an “o” to English words for instant Spanglish wasn’t bad enough, in asking their Russian taxi driver to get them to the train station, team Token will inaugurate the “Choo Choo” Count at one and two. Shortly after Colin and Christie - C2PO’d leave, but as they are not arguing yet they get no screen time. Marshall and Lance - the Doughboys are next, then Mir/Shmir depart after interviewing that they will be pushing each other by which they mean Mir will push Shmir to do all the tasks in exchange for having all her food prechewed. Also, Mirna rings up the Choo Choo Count to four. Team Token are shown arriving at the train station for no other purpose than to get the Choo Choo Count to six. Brandon & Nicole - team Manperm are out next, they ring up CCC number seven and then Brandon wants to walk to the train station and for once is overruled by Nicole. Once in the cab he realizes it would have been a long cold walk and this is the closest he ever gets to admitting fault or apologizing. I’d say that makes him just like a man but with that hair, ehh... not yet. Cut to MirShmir still walking for some inexplicable reason. Shmir does ring up the CCC to nine and it crystallizes for me right then, this is a metaphor and Shmir is clearly the lil’ engine that could. Choo Choo