The Simple Life 2 - Episode 3 Summary

'Feeling Caliente' By dajaki

Ah, the Simple Life. . . for all these years I thought it was enjoying family and friends and not allowing oneself to be unnecessarily encumbered by the hassles of the rat race. Turns out, the Simple Life is really two bottle-blondes who travel with camera crews, make general nuisances of themselves and occasionally show sparks of humanity when reciting really bad poetry.

The bottle-blondes du jour are Paris, who is tall, skinny and not as attractive as she thinks she is, and Nicole, who is short, somewhat ribald and not as funny as she thinks she is. Both have led very sheltered, privileged lives and are now touring the country with an awesome rig (pink king-cab truck with a posh Airstream) in search of The Simple Life.

Paris and Nicole begin their day on the road looking for grub. They end up at a Burger King in central Florida where Paris pulls into the drive-thru. After figuring that the laws of physics aren’t going to allow a trailer-towing truck around the tight bends of the miniscule lane (Dajaki drives a Chevy Astro so Dajaki knows how they feel), the cutely coiffed duo abandon their rig and saunter into BK. The girls end up ordering the menu (and this will be a trend), then discover that they cannot pay for all the food they’ve ordered and have partially consumed (this will also be a trend). The funniest part of this episode, of which we may see repeats as they make their way across the USA, is that Nicole completely snarfs her food whereas Paris nibbles, yet both still manage to consume the same volume.

Back to the problem of being unable to pay. To get out of their little quandary, Paris and Nicole try several maneuvers. First, they use stall tactics. Paris insists that she knows where the rest of their money is and runs out to the truck, which is still blocking the drive-thru lane, to hunt for loose change while Nicole opens her gaping maw and shoves down the equivalent of the all-you-can-eat buffet at Caesar's Palace. Then, upon Paris's returning nearly empty handed, Nicole takes a crack at scrounging for cash in the truck which is really just an excuse to eat another burger. When she returns with no cash, she tries Tactic #2: Try to convince the BK staff that the food was delivered to them half eaten. This plan falls through when the manager scoffs, "We know what's in this crap! Do you really think we'd eat it?" Finally, P&N must rely on Tactic #3: The tried-and-true begging for cash from complete strangers whose parents don't own hotel chains. One poor sap pulls the cash out of his wallet to count it, giving Nicole the opportunity to grab it all, pay and get out of fast food hell.

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On their way to their next destination somewhere in central Florida, Paris and Nicole lament the fact that they are broke. Nicole decides that they'll become strippers if they must whereas Paris has figured out what the folks who hang around highway exits know - You can make more money begging.

Paris and Nicole are now on the lookout for Caliente, the location of their next job. The discussion about Caliente goes something like this:

Paris: Sounds weird.
Nicole: Sounds hot.
Paris: Sounds like a strip club.

What do you know? The girls are right on all counts. Caliente, it turns out, is a nudist facility for people who own RVs and can't wait to shed their socially acceptable clothing. Fortunately, Fox has been kind enough to cover all private parts with one-size-fits-all smiley faces. Network execs clearly didn't want to face any libel or defamation suits by angry Caliente folks who required the tiniest of smiley faces.

In the morning, Paris and Nicole wake up and look for a shower. Upon hearing that the showers are public (Ewww!), Nicole decides to knock on the door of an apartment. Yes, apparently some people choose to live at Caliente full-time. The older couple living in the apartment is gracious enough to lend their facilities and to submit to an impromptu interview. The feisty codger, upon being asked why he chose nudism, relates a story about his Navy years that clearly falls under the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy of our former president. Strangely, he also thinks that nudism means that it's okay to wear a shirt but be buck naked below the belt line. And by "he" I mean the Caliente dweller, not the former president. I really don't know how Clinton dresses for nudist facilities.

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