Paris & Nicole are kicking back in South Beach, drinking water with lime. And if you believe those are water and not gin & tonics, well then you don’t know much about these girls. Dumb & Dumber let us know this is the perfect way to spend some time before the show starts taping. And what would make it more perfect? Shopping! Ok, I’ll give them the fact that they’ve probably burned all their clothes from last season & need some new peasant clothing. So just when I thought the girls were on to something, they pick up some knee length boots, stating “these would be good for hitchhiking.” Ok, do they realize that hitchhikers do occasionally have to WALK?
As the girls take their bags out to the waiting limo, we find out their adventure is to start earlier than they’d planned. Before they can say “Dolce & Gabanna”, the limo pulls away & up drives their new transportation: A shiny pink pick-up truck towing an old silver trailer. Paris & Nicole are then forced to give up their credit cards & cash and hit the open road. FUX wasn’t even polite enough to go fetch Paris’s driver’s license for her. You aren’t in paradise anymore, baby.
We get a glimpse of the old trailer….ummmm…wait. What the FUX? Did you check this thing out? Was this on Trading Spaces: Trailer Park or something? The thing looks brand new & is decorated better than my bedroom. So much for “roughing it.” Of course the girls quickly find a fatal flaw in the trailer: no mirror. Check your frickin’ makeup in the mansion of a pick-up truck, ladies. You’re lucky they even gave you a trailer.
The first major obstacle for the girls was driving the truck with the trailer. Paris decided her daddy can buy the whole road for her & proceeds to take up the entire thing. It may be the first time the girls were honked at for their driving & not their whore-bitch looks.
Second obstacle: The Toll Booth. They pull-up knowing they don’t have .75. Have these girls ever even heard of .75? I think their bottled water is well over $2.00. When they realize the toll worker is a woman, their hopes of getting naked and making a Paris Hilton Porn moment in exchange for passage is over. They think this poor woman might want to exchange some contact solution for passage. Wow, there’s a deal you can’t pass up. Nicole comes to the rescue by putting her boobs inside some truck windows and getting the poor men to give her cash. Honey, remember not to try that everywhere. There’s this thing called psycho-rapists out there. She manages to make more than the .75 (hey, I at least admire her foresight), and the girls head off once again.
“Ding Ding!” What’s that? It’s the “Get a Clue Police” ladies and it’s time to get some gas.
Nicole quickly assesses that when the gas light comes on they only have “like five miles” left. Can’t blame the girl I guess, it’s not like she ever puts in gas. At the gas station, the store manager denies Nicole’s request to work for fifteen minutes in exchange for gas and they resort to the parking lot boobie ploy, making enough for gas money & then some. Next problem? They can’t get the truck backed-up to the gas pump. Am I making fun of them? HELL NO! Have you tried backing a truck & trailer up? Not an easy task. Luckily one of their patsies helps them out, while the store manager snaps some pictures of the ladies & their rig. If I were Nicole, I’d have ripped that camera out of his hand and asked how much he’s gonna pay her to take more pictures. Bastard.
Well, enough fun & games, it’s off to work! The ladies arrive at their first pit stop: The Batten Ranch, home to perverts of all generations. Grandpa & Pappy are a little too excited about their visit. Somehow, given their instructions, the girls think J.Lo will be their giving bootie workouts. But that’s besides the point….
The ladies get to the ranch & check out the house. They get a look at Pappy’s bedroom, where there happen to be mirrors over the bed. This isn’t lost on the girls. Little do they realize Pappy just installed those yesterday. He tells them to change, and to ignore those circle cutouts in the wall. Termites did it. And that camcorder? Oh, it hasn’t worked for years. Just be sure not to move it.
When the girls have changed, they meet with the men of Batten Ranch where they discover they’ll be in a li’l Rodeo. Pappy explains how they should never touch a cowboy’s hat…but ladies, Pappy has plenty of other things on him you can touch.
Can I skip the manure part? Been there, seen that in Season 1. At least there’s no roadkill involved this time.
Time to whoreses to ride the horses! As Paris tries to show-off her horse prowess (is their another video we don’t know about?), her toothpick legs can’t hold on tight enough to even gallop on the horse. There’s another joke I could make here, but it’s a little crude. So blah, blah, blah. She gets bucked off, Nicole freaks out….Medivac comes in. What? Do they NOT have an ambulance that can take her to a hospital? Just get the vet to check her out. She walks over to the stretcher. Yes, I said she walked. Mole Hill? This is Mountain, I’m coming over.
Big hospital scene, blah, blah. She’s fine.
The next day Pappy’s feelings of guilt (or is he just pissed he couldn’t get her drunk at dinner last night?) lead him to ask the girls “what he can do for them.” Nicole & Paris quickly tell him that ice cream always makes a girl feel better. I don’t think that was the answer he was looking for.
They all head into town to feed the monkeys and have some ice cream. And since the girls had Pappy wrapped around their fingers, they also managed to bilk him out of $100 worth of junk at the general store.
When they get back to the ranch, the fun doesn’t end. They manage to get Pappy into his chaps…with nothing underneath. Ew! They know “Dirty Daddy” may have the makings of a local sugar daddy & want to leave him in good shape for the local girls.
That’s it for the first adventure of the Simple Life girls. Gee, can it get any better? I hope so.