Come and listen to a story 'bout Paris and Nicole... Two bleached blondes should be dancin' on a pole... Then one day they go drivin down the road... in a pink pickup truck with a big silver load... airstream that is... really posh.... trailer posh....
It's not enough to suffer through one episode in a night. No, they gave us two. A whole knee-slappin' hour's worth of airheaded, shallow fun! Episode 2 starts out with what looks to be a very interesting and highly amusing traffic stop. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are pulled over, though they had to be told by the cop actually to do so. What? Were they thinking if they ignored it, it would go away? (Psst, Paris...it didn't work with your little porn debut, and it's not gonna work here.) Paris primps for the officer, and Nicole asks what they can do to get out of a ticket and *gasp* seem almost contrite when told blue lights on a car are illegal! I mean, it's so 'ghetto' and in LA 'ghetto' is too cool to be illegal.
Remember Paris didn't bring her driver's license? Well guess what kiddies?! In the real world that's a big no-no. In their world? "Do you KNOW who I AM?!" were likely the first words out of their mouths, evidenced by the previous episode's massive shopping trip without said ID. Cop checks registration, comes back to pink truck (They do NOT deserve that sweet ride, thank you), and tells them "Aww shucks...here's your warning. Have a nice trip. Did you all'uns git mah good side? I dint knowed we was ohn teevee!." Why do I get the feeling this happens to them a lot.
Crisis averted by production staff, and the poor girls are plum wore out from their brush with 'da law', as well as complaining about hunger or something. (You mean they eat?? Food??? Who knew.) They pull into a trailer park ("Is this like...a REAL trailer park? EWWWWWW") and get the single toothed gent (Ok, maybe he had two...) to help them set up. This guy is far too nice, is all I can say. So I can forgive him lingering around the door a little too long. He warns them about the ducks. (Ducks?) They scoff. He warns them about the black and white ducks (Ohhhh!! Black and WHITE ducks...well that makes all the difference!) They scoff again. He warns them about the ducks and points out they have them little....doggies. They say they've never seen ducks eat dogs. He offers to show them the...ducks...in the morning. They roll their eyes.
Thing 1 and 2 forage for food and Nearly Toothless Nick comments from the door (Yes, he's still hanging around..so weird.) that there's no propane so they can't use the stove. Aha! Microwave! Soup! We're in business. Now just pull out the metal pot, Paris. Yep, that's the one. Go ahead...throw it in the microwave oven. It's perfectly ok.
Paris: Gee, this smells funny, and look at the pretty spark thingies. Nicole: Wow, that's cool. Look at my boobs. Paris: I hope my soup tastes better than you smell. Nearly Toothless Nick, who is *still* in the doorway: Hey you know you'ins ain't s'posed to put no metal pot in the microwave thingie. Nicole: Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you that. Paris: Oh yeah...that's why this handle is all melty. Let's go to bed now...
Ahh if it were just that simple...actually, it was. But just when you thought it was safe to reside in the trailer park.....
Ducks: Quack, quack! Paris: Ooooh! Did we lock the doors from the evil, scary ducks we don't really believe in but are now suddenly terrified of??? Nicole: No, go do it so you can shake your a$$ some more...and don't forget to forget to bring in your hairball of a dog.
Morning breaks. Paris is out calling for Tinkerbell (We're treated to footage of aforementioned ducks lolling about in the lake. I don't know about you, but I'm scared now.). Paris almost crinkles her botox'd brow with worry for her dog she couldn't have cared less about last night. Nothing. Ominous music, another shot of the ducks. Distant dog barking.
Hurrah! Tinkerbell has come home! A small rat wearing a blue sweater barks and runs up to Paris and she is elated! But hungry. (again with the eating. Who knew!) After a few shots of blurred-out buttcrack, the girls wander off in search of food to mooch off of anyone else. Comments are made about the (ewwwww) trailer park, and the begging begins. They ask several people if they've got any breakfast. Smart people. They give varying replies ranging from "Go away, skank. You dont fool me.", to, for the tooth impaired, "No". Finally, they're directed to a family of folk who live in the park and make a big breakfast each morning. These nice people (...and they really were nice) have the ingrates...err...girls...join them for a spot of eggs and hashbrowns, some sort of sausage (probably duck) and who knows what else. I don't know about the rest of you, but down here in tha' south, that there...is some good eatin! I have to say at this point that I'm nearly impressed with Paris and Nicole's display of politeness...nearly. They don't openly mock the folks they're feasting with, but eyes are rolled and food is not very discreetly disposed of. After enjoying breakfast with strangers, and learning that said strangers pee in a bucket "right over there" (Did we really need to know that? Did we even need to ask?!?) they return to their own swanky trailer where they proceed to complain about the food.