It’s interesting what one will do for attention these days. Whether it’s two girls whose only claim to fame is having enough luck to be born into money and position under the California Sun, a girl born to a middle class life of swamp frogging and crawdad fishing under the Cajun moon, or a British teacher now living peacefully among Temple halls, all share a common bond; all are incredible DAW’s who are willing to do anything for their 15 minutes of fame and recognition. One could ask if this is really necessary. One could ask if anyone truly cares.
One could also decide that these question are really born from writers block, and tell the author to stop futzing about, and get to the episode at hand. And so, I will stop analyzing why participants and writer all agreed to subject you to this torture, and spit it out as quickly and as painlessly as humanly possible.
For tonight's rest-stop on the Golden Girls Road Trip, I would like you to meet the Mequet Family of Louisiana: Mitch, Laurette, Jude and Jenny. They live a quiet, simple, easy going life in a swamp near Lafayette. Our girls roll into town in their pink truck with fetching silver Airstream trailer, and zero in on the one, truly important problem facing them in this town:
Nichole: “Great, I’m wearing white.”
You know it's a bad sign when the victims families on this show open with statements like “Ah’m up ta dis challenge, ah ken see em adaptin ta our way a livin,” and “ah think it’ll be arite, as long as they don teach Jenny nothin fancy.” Wonderful isn’t it? 5 minutes into the show and already we have delusional expectations spoken in dialect similar to Big Tom of Survivor fame. And it goes downhill from here.
Pa asks the girls if they like to fish. The girls say yes. Pa then asks them about different types of fish, but the girls admit that the only fish names they know are Nemo and Squidward. Before Pa can ask “who are they?” the girls quickly turn the conversation to their areas of expertise -- teenage girls and dating. Pa tells them that 13 year old, pure-as-the-driven-snow Jenny will be having her first date while the girls are there. Matt will be over one evening, and Paris and Nichole will be expected to chaperone the date. Talk about putting the chicken hawk in charge of the chickens.
The girls ask Jenny about her “experience” with boys. “Have you ever kissed? Given a guy serious tongue action? Given someone a cute STD?” After Pa regains consciousness, the girls tell Jenny that they will take her shopping and do her makeup. All look surprised when Ma hits the floor with a thud. After a few vials of smelling salts, Ma hands over the credit card with strict instructions to spend only $75. Bad move. Since its not actually their money, Nichole announces “Bleep it! Lets go crazy!”
Now, I bet you thought we were going to WalMart. Not this time! Its a new store, rather like WM, but without pesky old people telling you to have a nice day at the door. Anyway, this store is practically empty, giving the girls free reign to run amuck.
The girls offer sage advice to Jenny: “If you are having a guy come over, than you need a new g-string and a pair of sticks.”
Now, having never heard that term before, I asked Ra if it was some weird Yank sex term-- he just grunted from the computer, where he and Brian were taking over the world. It turns out that “sticks” are high heels, and the girls taught Jenny how to walk the cathouse catwalk with relative ease.
Of course, what shopping spree would be complete without girls trying on a few “bodice enhanced” tops? These tops would make Laura Croft appear flat-chested, with built in implants and pushups. Paris squealed “I look so sexual!" Then a frown crossed her face. "I like being flat.” Now that got my husband's attention: another myth, shot to hell.
When they were all done, it turned up they had gone a tad over budget... about $400 over. The grand total of “proper” clothes (including G’string and sticks) came to $489.76. Ma made them take most of it back after a lecture worthy of Mike Brady to Marsha, Jan and Cindy. Pa told them they could keep the makeup, since Jenny needed it, at which point Brian said to me, “Mum, did he just call his daughter ugly?” I let hubby field that one.
After a commercial break that was not nearly long enough for me, it was on to the "job de jour."
Meet Mr. Bradley, an inarticulate mumbler with a huge cleaver, a table full of gross fish parts, and a son named Boo-Boo. Yes, you read that correctly. His son's name is Boo-Boo. I can only assume that his daughter’s name is Yogi, but since they never actually elaborated, it’s just an assumption. Pa wants Boo-Boo to take the girls out to bait 64 crawdad traps with 2 fishy parts per trap. Now the girls being the afishionados they are, decide they can capture twice as many crawdads with more bait in less traps. They fill 24 traps with 20 fishy parts per trap, bat their eyes at Boo-Boo, and head back to the deliverance guy with the cleaver. After learning about the normal crawdad yield per trap, they soon realize they may have made an error in judgment.
But Paris has a plan!!!!
At the annual Unintelligible Speakers Public Speaking Workshop and crawdad bbq, Paris (who clearly thinks crawdads are the nastiest object she’s ever put in her mouth) asks the cook if you can tell the difference between live and boiled crawdads. When the cook says no, (what, the boiled ones still squirm?!) she starts dumping as many as she can into her purses. She fills them, and the next day dumps the dead ones into the bags with the living while Nichole pretends to be hot for Boo-Boo. Boo is impressed. Pa is impressed. The girls are unimpressed with the $79.00 they get for bilking the Bradleys, and the buyer is unimpressed with his already boiled (and spoiled) bounty.
Now onto the date!! After listening to another Brady lecture on proper date decorum and fashion, the girls go to work on Jenny. They make her look as close to what my Mum would deem a strumpet as possible, slide her in her newly acquired sticks, and tell her “do be cute, don’t be a slut.” Riiiiiiiiight. As for poor Matt, he is subjected to a “keep it in your jeans or we will hunt you down and toss you to the crawdads” speech. It’s a typical date. 2 LA babes with questionable fashion and common sense, a roomful of close, personal cameraman friends, and a little girl dressed up like Trailer Trash Barbie, who can be looked at but not touched. Oh yeah, this will go well.
It doesn’t go well, so the girls suggest the obvious solution. Lets go frogging!! Oh yeah! Jenny in her stiletto's can pull that off-- maybe they were hoping she would stand up in the boat and pitch overboard, providing more bait for the crawdads. Who knows? The date ends with Jenny and Matt hugging, and Paris and Nichole heading toward their trailer with the prediction that Jenny will be preggers within the next 6 months.
They laugh, and pronounce that their job is done.
And thankfully, so is mine.
Next on The Simple Life: Dancing sheep and Hell House. Oh joy.