Welcome to Reality Tv World's first official summary of Bravo’s new hit series – Queer Eye on a Straight Guy! Warning, do not be fooled by the imitation NBC show!
Our Fab Fivers decide to torture one of their own crewmembers this week and begin the show by kidnapping their 27-year-old, camera assistant, Andrew Lane. Andrew, a “Drew Carey lookalike” is in need of some serious restoration. The 5’s goal is to make him ready for a “Big Boy Date” with prim and put together girlfriend Diana (pronounced Dee-Ann-Uh, the alternate pronunciation) whom he has been dating (if you call dating sitting at home every night) for four months.
Once at Andrew’s apartment, horror grips our fearless 5 as they wade through this trashed lower Manhattan pad. At first it appears as though Andrew and his brother, with whom he shares the place, didn’t clean up after a great party/orgy last night. Every surface has empty beer bottles, food packages and half-eaten food are thrown about (you wondered how Andrew got that stellar physique), but no, that’s just the remnants of a sad and lonely man’s solitary existence. Ted (Superpower – Food and Wine) is quick to chide that the kitchen only contains ingredients for making Margaritas and frozen drinks. I guess Andrew hasn’t had a chance to get to Zabars and stock up on foix gras and capers.
Further fooling the viewer into thinking perhaps there was an orgy here; condoms seem to be strewn everywhere. The fact that they are “snug fit” prompts the 5ers to pester Andrew about the size of his little friend for the rest of the episode. So now America knows that Andrew is not well endowed, which may explain his loneliness and his extensive collection of porn magazines and videos. It seems that Andrew is a collector of sorts. His passions are plaid shirts (very chic in urban areas) and porn. One of these is sure to make him go blind.
In case you had any doubts about Andrew being culturally challenged, we are treated to a glimpse of his art collection. The “Homies Forever” computer portrait tapestry is really a thing of beauty. Though it might seem like he could only afford one these one-of-a-kind pieces, those of you who were really paying attention may have caught a glimpse of another lovely computer portrait hanging on the wall. So, if you are like me and have spent a lifetime wondering “who and the hell buys this crap” at state fairs and carnivals, well now we all know!
It’s now time for the super-gay education quiz! Carson (Superpower – Fashion) asks Andrew, “What does JC stand for? And it’s not Jesus Christ.” Why its Joan Crawford, oh course! Toss that into your next cocktail party. “Yeah, I was watching this JC movie on TCM last night….” Carson, was using it reference to wire hangers which, I don’t think dear, dumb Andrew understood. Keep in mind, his cinematic tastes don’t expand beyond porn. He’s a specialist we could remark or we could say he’s deeply disturbed and should be on a sex offender watch list – your choice.
Side note about the advertising. In my local area, there was a North Dakota tourism ad that made me wonder if ND is actively marketing itself as the next great gay hot spot? That’s right all you gay folks, forget Miami Beach, Provincetown and New York City – the trendy new spot in Bismarck, ND! Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think this was a wise ad buy.
Anyway, back in NYC the boys are traipsing Andrew around for his formulaic spa treatments, clothing shopping, etc. At the spa, the 5 start by removing Andrews pelt from his back (yuck!). The viewers are treated to several tasty shots of the removed hair (double yuck!) as Andrew whines about how it hurts and how he’s going to look like “a frosted mini wheat.” Do you get that “joke”? Yeah, you’re right, it’s not funny. Over his and his manicures with Kayan (superpower – Grooming), a touching moment insures as hey decide to become manicure buddies, so sweet!
Meanwhile, Thom (superpower – Interior Design) and Jai (pseudo-power – culture) shop for new stuff for the apartment. We are treated to a Pop Up Tip: “Votive candles create instant romance.” That must be what’s behind all those pesky problems at the Catholic Church, it’s the candles!
Ted and Andrew take some time out for lunch to eviscerate a crustacean and sniff wine. This is the same restaurant where Andrew will be taking Diana for dinner. Ted explains that they are like the Secret Service doing an advance team visit before the president arrives. Sure Ted, is that a little game that you like to play with your friends? What I don’t get about this educational experience at the restaurant is why Ted doesn’t show him how to properly hold a glass of white wine – we’ll see later that classy Diana knows – this relationship is doomed.
So time for the big reveal at the apartment. New modern furniture (complete with a major plug for the designer, of course) is in the living room and a revitalized outdoor space complete with new trees (Yes, trees do grow in NYC) and some plastic chairs that they stole from the daycare down the street (you’d better have those back before the kids wake up from their naps). The Bedroom still looks like a dorm room, albeit it Sweden or Norway (not Finland though, definitely not Finland.) Finishing up in the bathroom, it’s clean for the first time in a few years.
I won’t bore you with the cooking lesson and fashion show or the plug for the hair products (get the pun?). We do learn a new word and are privy to a demonstration of “Manscaping.” To trim, as in cut, your body hair so as to not look like a water buffalo. Kayan trims Andrew's chest and cuts his nose hairs (I think they maybe a little spark between the two of them, first the manicure buddies; now shaving each other, hum). Carson teaches Andrew how to put in contacts which is fraught with sexual innuendoes like “just shove it in”, “make sure to get it good and wet” etc. which is all good for a chuckle before everyone sits around in the new backyard for some beer. Andrew’s favorite part of the whole redecoration is the bottle opener, which is now hanging on a string from the tree. It really is a revolutionary design idea; Thom may win awards for that. In case we were a bit uncertain about Andrew’s pedestrian preferences, the 5 are sitting around sipping bottles of Stella Artois, while Andrew chugs out of a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Hello superheroes! Stop this! Show him the light! I’ve lost all faith in both Ted and Jai - first the wineglass now this. They need a sixth superhero – liquor.
The moment has come for the Big Boy Date and we see Andrew scurrying around his newly polished pad shoving his new couture in storage bins, tossing hangers under the sink and gouging his face with a razor. He picks up the girly who his properly impressed enough to give him a peck. Poor Andrew’s not getting lucky tonight. At the restaurant, after a humorous twitching seen where his contact becomes loose, Andrew dives into to his second lobster of the day as the romantic conversation revolves around nose hair.
At the apartment she “Oh my God” ‘s her way around the place as Andrew shows off his favorite part the day, the *#%$^# bottle opener. My God, what a waste this hour was, thousands on furniture, spa treatments and clothes and he’s happy with the $1.98 bottle opener on a string. He’s like a kitten on Christmas; I can just visualize him lying on the hammock batting at the bottle opener for hours.
The episode ends in a sickeningly sappy moment as Andrew torches the crème brulee tableside and Diana is awed by her man’s use of fire. You should see how he can work that bottle opener baby. When asked what her favorite part of place’s makeover is, she bats her eyes and says that he’s her favorite part. Awwww. Twenty bucks says they breakup by Labor Day!