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Queer Eye For The Straight Guy - Episode 8 Summary

'The Greek God' By MickeyM
Original Airdate: August 26, 2003

Let’s meet George, a 27 year old kickboxing instructor from Queens (that’s a borough of NY for those of you not in the know or who haven’t figured out that every makeover has taken place in and around NYC). Our story begins as a classic Greek tragedy with our boy in need of some help, nay, a lot of help.

As a gym rat/trainer, George is pretty ripped though is a slave to classic gym fashion. You know, the black tank top with the short, satin gym shorts, overly tanned skin and “the hair”. Stuck somewhere in the 80’s, George has not cut his hair for seven years thinking that long (mid-way down his back), straight, dry, poorly coloured locks is fashionable. His “look” has been inspired by Jon Bon Jovi, a fashion God to straight men all over the world. Perhaps George has not seen Bon Jovi in the past few years, but dude he cut off his scraggly hair years ago. I digress.

George’s problems extend to way beyond his unfortunate mane; his apartment is nothing short of tragic. Now I must admit that unlike most of the other messy males that we have seen so far, George’s house is immaculately clean. No half empty pizza boxes, beer bottles or stacks of porn lying about, this place is as clean as your grandmother’s house. In fact, it looks like your grandma’s house complete with tacky furniture, a touch lamp that is shaped like a flower of some sort and God awful paintings. Yes, George has procured all his furnishings and decorations from dear old mom, who, by the way, lives downstairs.

It shouldn’t come as a shock to find out that George is not so much a ladies man. Not too many chicks can be wooed and romanced with the mattress on the bedroom floor look and the Salvation Army décor. To add to his suffering, George had a live in girlfriend for five years. She left him, broke his heart and took all the “good” furniture – the #####! But, he still has his mamma – Georgia! The Fab 5 tease George about the fact that he still lives in the same building as his mamma and that she cooks for him everyday. OK, I’m torn between thinking “pathetic, grow up and get a life” and “good for you, mamma can cook for me anyday”. I’ll let you be the judge. I should note that mamma is a cute, older Greek lady who speaks in a heavy accent and can’t be much taller than 5 feet. I should also confess that I have a terrible weakness for older ethnic ladies, they remind me of my own grandma (sob!) – so don’t be dissin’ mamma!

Evidently, I’m not the only one who is protective of mamma. Just when I’m thinking that this guy is a bulked out, head banging, oompa loompa who stole Richard Simmons’ outfit, we are privileged to the epic tale of George the great. Carson causally asks him about the large scar on his six-pack abs and George calmly responds that he was shot. He humbly begins recounting how three thugs tried to mug his mamma in front of the house (she was fighting back – you go girl! I told you nobody messes with mamma) and when he came downstairs to defend her, they shot him. Even after he was shot he still chased the hoodlums down the street. Mamma listens and beams with pride as he tells about how he almost died while in the hospital. Even more amazing than the story is that the Fab 5 are basically speechless.
Thus the tragedy is set and I am left with a quandary, how am I supposed to rip on a guy who almost died protecting is cute, little mom? Damn it all!

So the Fab 5 decide that the big event for this episode will be that George will throw a big BBQ for his friends as a way to say thank you to mamma for all she does for him. I’m not really clear on why mamma would want all of George’s friends at a party for her, but we’ll go with it. On to the shopping! First stop is Pottery Barn where Thom has obviously memorized their latest catalog and starts reciting the blurbs on every piece of furniture in the store – bet that’s a hit at parties. Next stop, Lobel’s (a famous meat store in NY) with Chef Ted to buy some racks of lamb. Yeah, $500 worth of lamb! What? For $500 I would think you could buy a couple of real lambs or a side of beef. I hope the guests appreciated that grub.

My favorite superfriend Jai (a.k.a. the useless one) takes George to Tower records on a CD shopping spree, where they pick up two Bon Jovi CD’s (of course) along with some Stevie Wonder and Beyonce. George wins bonus points when he refuses to purchase the Cher’s Greatest Hits CD that Jai is fawning over. Jai, Mr. Culture should know that Bon Jovi and Cher should never share space in anybody’s CD rack. Ugh! But now it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for - time for the big haircut! At first it appears as though George might faint, but he regains his manhood and begins to see the errors of his coiffure ways. They cut, style and colour George’s hair into a Steven Baldwin number, which although it reminds me of Steven (“I am the Mole”) Baldwin it makes George look sooooo much better.

Back at home, the apartment has been transformed from grandma’s house into a relaxed and informal home. Personally, I could have done without the tacky palm trees at sunset wallpaper picture thing in his bedroom, but hey, they’re going for that Queens surfer look. Please note that they don’t do anything in his bathroom. I think the etched swan shower doors, the pink fuzzy toilet seat cover with the dolphin and the pink vanity was just too much, even for the Fab 5! Wimps!

Outside, site of tonight’s festivities, they have purchased him a sweet Webber gas grill (you just can’t put $500 of lamb on a smoky joe) and fixed up the backyard. Though they didn’t give him a sweet bottle opener on a string like our friend Andrew on Episode 6, the backyard still looks pretty good. The good-byes are touching (sniff) as George tells the 5 that he has made new friends and looks like he’s going to start crying at any minute.

After George has dressed (in fairly normal looking clothes may I add), mamma comes up to check out the finished product. She looks at him, walks around the apartment and just keeps muttering “it’s a miracle” in her heavy Greek accent. Oh mamma, you’re so cute! George tells mamma that he’ll see her later because he has to finish getting stuff ready for the party. I’ll spare you the making of the asparagus boats etc.

Party time and the whole gang is there. George makes his grand entrance into the backyard with the $500 plate of lamb in hand; guess he didn’t want to make a second trip up the stairs. Everyone whispers and giggles about how good he looks and one young lady (one of George’s friends) spends the entire evening telling him how hot he looks. She later asks how his apartment turned out and he invites her up to see. George’s stupid guy friends tag along. Hello friends, remember poor, lonely George? Yeah, well this chick has been hitting on him all night and now wants to see his apartment; do you think that perhaps you should leave them alone? With wingmen like this no wonder George is lonely.

At the hall of justice the Fab 5 are also bewildered with the friends’ stupidity proving that even the gay guys picked up the chick’s flirting and innuendo. Nevertheless, our superheroes raise their Cosmos and toast their success in saving George the Greek God from a life of tragedy.

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