Ah, yet another hour squandered watching the Fab 5 try to transform a normal man into a kinder, gentler guy. The plus for this episode is that the 5 finally succeed in emasculating a man and he’s a cop!
So the beginning is the same old same old. Meet John Verdi a pale, bald Italian dude who makes his living as a Port Authority Police officer. He wants to get spiffed up so he feels better about himself and to, of course, impress his girlfriend (a model) with whom he lives. The goal is to clean him up and send him off on a romantic date, awwwww!
I’ll spare you the messy, ugly apartment (though its size and scale reminded me more of a hut out of Lord of the Rings), the trip through the closet, cabinets, etc. You know the routine, though John’s place wasn’t nearly as pathetic as many of our other victims.
Now it’s time for the trips around town, shopping, the spa, etc. Shopping takes place at Lord & Taylor, which surprised me, my actually having some clothing that looked “trendy” versus the usual grandma clothes for which they are known. The big shocker this week (hold on….), Carson meets up with the girlfriend (her name is India or something like that) for some “sneaky shopping.” Way cool, huh! OK, how sad is it when a model needs fashion advice from a gay man wearing acid wash jeans?
Thom takes John shopping for bed linens, which is where we see the first traces of emasculation occurring. John is set on purchasing striped sheets because “stripes are sexy” – explaining all the jailhouse romances. At the spa, John regains a bit of his manhood as he stands around with Kayan waiting for their fake tan to be air brushed on them. Both are only wearing “disposable” underwear of the black Speedo design. John keeps protesting that he feels “gay” and keeps trying to cover up his crotch with his hands; poor guy, I think one hand would have more than covered that up.
Our culture lesson from Jai this week is about Picnic baskets, who knew Yogi Bear had so much class. I really hope Jai has a day job. Meanwhile Ted takes John to the Gourmet Garage to pick up the ingredients for a vegetable torta. When Ted explains that a torta is an Italian Quiche, John again regains a touch of manhood and protests that Quiche isn’t dude food. Ted re-defines the torta as “an Italian manly quiche” which pacifies John. Is John really that stupid? Yep, let the emasculation continue.
Time for the big reveal. The apartment is now monochromatic with vertically striped wallpaper throughout (remember, stripes are sexy!) The obligatory glass and metal rack is hung up in the bathroom (note that every week a rack like this is put up in the bathroom, they must have gotten some kind of bulk purchase discount). The classy red couch is still there, but then again this is Staten Island, along with two new chairs made of Holstein cow hides nicknamed by John the “moo-moo chairs”. He’s just getting so cutesy!
Any hope of John retaining his manhood is lost during Kayan’s skincare lesson and the clothing show and tell. After sitting riveted to Kayan explaining that he needs to apply vitamins to his skin, Carson dresses him up like a super gay Ken doll. Come on, jeans with patches? Didn’t that go out in like 78? I’m thinking the new sandal collection, which he seems very excited about, may just finish off the neutering.
In a truly touching moment that someone must have stayed up late dreaming up, the Fab 5 pretend to be the five wisemen and present John with a collection of items for his date tonight that represent the five senses. Taste– chocolate, Scent – candle, Sound – music, Touch – Massage oil/lotion and Touch – Silk Boxers. Now match the Fab 5’er with their gift. Get it Fab 5, 5 senses – cool huh?! Yeah.
It’s time for the girlfriend to come home and the real sickly stuff to commence. She comes home, oohs and ahhs around the apartment and complements John that makes him glow with boyish pride. He notices she has also had a mini makeover and complements her on her new “sneaky shopping” outfit of tan pants and a mostly unbuttoned cardigan which John remarks that Carson “accentuated her boobage.” For some unknown reason (castration), John now speaks in squeaky, mouse noises and begins flittering around the house like a 5 year old girl. As India sits in the moo-moo chair (great irony here, she’s a vegetarian – bets on how long before those chairs get given away?) John goes into the bedroom to don his new jacket and driving cap and they are off to their picnic.
They drive over to the Japanese garden in John’s pseudo-sportscar and discuss his day of beauty. There is a beautiful dichotomy here between the super Guido car and driving cap with his gushing about his trip to the linen store and the spa. They begin to enjoy the Italian man quiche, which John destroyed putting into the plastic container and she rather unconvincingly pretends to like it (proving yet again that models can’t act). John dips his finger in the chocolate sauce as India eagerly sucks it off and tells him that they'll be using the chocolate later. I guess she was turned on by all the stripes, that or she’s really a lesbian and his new feminine appearance and actions are really making her hot. Proving that John is no longer a man he claims tells her that “shopping with Carson…made me feel better about myself.” He continues to nauseate the audience by saying “thanks to the Fab 5, I now have a spark in my pants!” Hello, hanging out with a bunch of gay men, getting a tan sprayed on and redecorating made you have a spark in your pants. I think its time to realize that you are really gay. Come out, come out wherever you are!
The thing that just gives me joy with this episode is imagining what the guys at the police station said to him Wednesday morning after the show aired. An even better vision is John arresting some thug in the subway or something, trying to be all tough and cop-like. Then the thug looks at him and says, “hey, I know you. You’re that dude that was standing around in your underwear with that gay guy on TV. I didn’t know they let gay guys on the PAPD.” The crook laughs as does John’s partner and John wonders if a career change (or a sex change) might be in order.