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Queer Eye For The Straight Guy - Episode 9 Summary

'What Big Feet You Have' By MickeyM
Original Airdate: September 2, 2003

For those of you who read the review of Episode 6, may recall Manhattan Andrew (who posted my review for me) pointing out that Episode 104 was missing from the order and that “it must have really sucked.” Well ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the elusive Episode 104 and yes, it does suck!

Its hard to imagine that a guy with a size 14 shoe would need some help with the ladies, but its true. This isn’t any ordinary man with a size 14 though, no this is a man who has a papasan chair as his living room furniture, a stockpile of poprocks and cans of tuna in the kitchen just waiting for Armageddon (or the next blackout), a cub (bear) lamp in the bedroom and a picture of Jesus Christ hanging in the bathroom (“I like J.C. in the John” Josh tells us). Yes, this man needs help and it extends way beyond his questionable decour and bizarre culinary tastes.

Perhaps we should look at the positive things that our subject Josh, the 27-year-old data entry technician, has accomplished in the past few years. Most impressively, he has lost over one hundred pounds – way to go Josh. Then, about six months ago, he met his current girlfriend Angie. Angie is a strange, living morph of Debbie Harry and Courtney Love who loves to go out dancing. Here lies the problem. In case you haven’t guessed, our bigfooted boy can’t boogie.

So enter the Fab 5 to revamp his apartment, add some colour to his extensive collection of gray, brown and white clothing and to set up a big night of clubbin’ with the girly. This is where it starts getting ugly.

Ted decides that Josh and Angie should share a romantic nosh at his house before they go out on the town. For some unknown reason, Ted chooses to create a mini-raw bar with oysters, crab claws, etc that he purchased at Citrarella (cha-ching$$$). Yep, nothing brings a couple closer together than sharing a nice case of Vibrio parahaemolyticus. Ted, here’s my tip directly from our friends at the Centers for Disease Control – Don’t eat raw seafood in months without an R in them, (that’s May, June, July and August for those of you struggling with that one, you know the summer months).

The whole shopping adventure in this episode seems odd, something is off. Hey, they aren’t following the standard script!!! The clothing trip is shortened, the furniture adventure has no impact, they send him to a dentist for a laser teeth whitening session and then, what is this….a trip to the gym to get in a workout??? Yep, the queens of queer don their Fab 5 emblazoned sweatsuits (very Missy Elliott!) and head off with Josh for a little pumping iron at the New York Sports Club.

After Kayan (evidently now a personal trainer) shows our boy the ropes at the gym, Jai whisks off Josh for a little one-on-one dance lesson. The Bravo website says that Jai “…is a talented actor, singer and dancer.” So, I foolishly have some faith in this instructional session. But, this is Jai and he tells Josh that at the club he should enter the room, stop, look around and then make his entrance by sliding onto the dance floor on his knees. Nice! Yeah, that’s really popular at the clubs these days. To make things even worse, Josh, the moron, tries out this move and almost breaks his back and knees in the process. Jai, looking confused, conceded that maybe they should start-off small.

It’s at this point that I realize that the episode is completely doomed. If the oysters don’t kill them, Josh’s painful jerky motions on the dance floor just might. Sadly, Mr. Size 14 just doesn’t have any rhythm. Jai teaches him one pseudo-slick move where he wraps his partner’s arm around his neck so he can go in for the kiss. The cameras take pity on the viewer and quickly cut to all our superfriends dancing about the room in their sweatsuits. Where is Danny Terio when we need him? Sigh!

On the way back to the apartment the cameras show a newly coifed Josh. Where was the salon visit? Couldn’t they find a sponsor to plug?

The apartment has been transformed from tragic to college dorm, completely redone in gray, brown and dark green. Um, I’m not a decorator, but weren’t these the same dull colours they were trying to get out of his wardrobe? On to the cooking lesson with Ted who teaches Josh to shuck oysters. I’m guessing this is not only a valuable lesson for Josh, one that he will use everyday, but also all those folks watching in places like Ohio (Ted’s home state we learn). Before we say goodbye to our Fab 5, Jai has some last minute tips for the club. Remember, its “face, attitude and drama.” I can’t even express how incredibly stupid this advice is to a 6’3”, kinda dorky looking guy who can’t dance – Josh will have all the drama he needs in just a few hours.

Once alone Josh gets ready, forgets how to shuck the oysters, manages to pry a few open and speed shaves (which we have now learned is a common heterosexual male flaw!) Angie arrives and immediately starts mackin’ on her man. They sit on the sofa to begin dining on their microbiology experiment, which may have been a bit easier if Josh had remembered to separate the oysters from the shell. Instead, we are subjected to awkward sucking motions and slurping noises as Angie tries to manhandle her mollusk into her mouth. They decide to give up on the raw food and leave the house for the club. Please note, they leave the “raw bar” sitting out on the coffee table. Let’s review… raw seafood piled on heaping plates of shaved ice, which are sitting on your brand new coffee table. What could be wrong with this picture? Problem 1: ice melts….drips onto coffee table…ruins table (way to take care of your new possessions – you can’t have anything nice!). Problem 2: seafood sitting out, it’s summertime so its warm, you come home and your nice, new apartment smells like Fulton Fishmarket (which I’m sure the neighbors will appreciate too). Which leads us to Problem 3: unless Angie was raised on a shrimpboat, stinky fish is not a turn-on for most women.

Time for the painful finale – da club! The Fab 5 have arranged what looks to be a private room at a club and filled it with a bunch of people who may or may not be Josh’s friends (we never see him talking to any of them). What we can be sure of is that the producers must have had their work cut out for them trying to find so many people without rhythm! Oh it’s so painful to watch. Carson refers to it as “a bad episode of soul train with badly dancing white people,” which Thom is quick to correct with his observation that it is the “no soul train.” Oh, it’s bad, but it gets worse. Josh is finally forced onto the floor to dance and begins jerking about like he is having some sort of uncontrollable seizure. After a few completely awkward attempts, Josh remembers “the move” and finds success. Angie seems pleased, but it is unclear if she is happy about the move/kiss or the fact that Josh has stopped dancing.

The Fab 5 tries to put a positive spin on the episode, which doesn’t fool anyone except Jai who proudly announces “he got the move right.” (Jai, whatever you have to think to make yourself feel better.) Carson perhaps sums it up best when he sadly states that Josh was “not one of our best students.” It is true; perhaps Episode 104 should have remained lost forever.

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