I should probably explain something to you. Until tonight I had never actually watched this show. I always found a way to avoid sitting down and losing 30 minutes of my life each week to a show that quite honestly sounded lame. Ra would sit in his favorite recliner to watch, and I would always seem to find something else to do. (Grouting the bathroom tiles, refinishing my sons oak dresser-- even grading papers can suddenly become a favorite passtime under the right circumstances.) Besides, all the summaries have been so good, that I felt as though I “got” this show.
So tonight I came into the living room, snuggled under an afghan with my notebook, smiled sweetly at Ra, and proudly announced, “Well Luv, 30 minutes won’t kill me. How bad could it be?”
To which he replied, “Oh, Didn’t you know ‘Bun? Tonight is the reunion show-- It‘s an hour.” My look must have scared him. He has now gone off to install a new sprinkler system in the back yard. No easy task, considering the snow on the ground.
The clock on the wall above the Telly mocks me. I can hear it slowly ticking away 60 minutes from my life.
Tic. Tic. Tic...
Well, the beginning has some promise! Classical Music in the background, a lovely Beverly Hills mansion, and an approaching butler. In the large, luxuriously made up bed lies Sleeping Beauty with the Taco Bell dog nibbling at the straps of her pink silk nightie. Our fair maiden is in the throes of a farming nightmare-- but it’s the cow that wakes up screaming. There is an ominous shot of Pa staring intently out of an upstairs window. I assume that's because he has never actually heard a cow scream before. We cut back to sleeping beauty, now awake and facing her butler who informs her she is leaving for Arkansas in 3 hours. We hear more screaming. I’m not sure if it was the cow or Paris.
The music swells, launching into a catchy “Green-Acres-if-the-writers-were-on-crack” theme. And now, the Simple Life Reunion.
Tic. Tic. Tic.
Fade in to Fort Smith, Arkansas, with Leeza Gibbions suitably dressed down for her interview and standing center stage. She smiles amid the no-holds-barred-spare-no-expense-set consisting of a few burlap covered hay bales, old wood floor, rough wood beams, and a backdrop provided by Mrs. Crabsters Jr. High art class-- complete with a wooden cow. I feel like I am watching an old 1940’s musical, and find myself waiting for Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney to come out exclaiming “Lets put on a show!” But I digress.
Leeza introduces the family by first commenting on Grandmas enormous hair, then exclaiming to Ma and Pa “What were you thinking?” Oh, I don’t know Leeza-- money? The two eldest boys announce that the girls were annoying-- but hey, it was better than having two ugly girls staying with them. For a moment, I thought I had returned to the Amazon, and Heidi and Jenna were being interviewed. Paris (complete with Taco Bell dog, dressed elaborately in some pink frothy number) and Nichole enter and hug everyone. Lezza demands that the audience give them a proper “Unintelligible Arkansas welcome” and they exuberantly comply. You can feel the love in the room. Naturally the producers take that opportunity to showcase the shows “Johnny Fairplay” moment; Nichole announceing that her kitty cat died to get out of a punishment.
They Move on to Braxton, who steals the scene when he prefers to sit next to Leeza rather than the girls. More insipid conversation about how Paris became Nichole’s maid because she made the bed each morning.
When we return, we get to see the working girls in action. Oh, rapture.
Tic. Tic. Tic.
The first job they decide to recap is on a dairy farm. The girls were asked to check on the pregnant cows. This “checkup” consisted of actually inserting ones arm into said cow. Nichole told the audience “It was hard! HE doesn’t want you in there!” Well, yes dear...if you were checking a bull for pregnancy, that would make him a tad cranky. This was followed by Leeza asking Grandma how she felt about the girls. Grandma of course loved them, that’s what Grandmas do.
Since this is not the answer the producers were looking for, Leeza turns her questions to the Dairy Farm owner, who was the first of many bosses to fire them. He announces that no, he didn’t sell any milk extracted that day; that would have been udderly unthinkable. He did say he would recommend them to an employer someday, provided they swore never to go near a cow again.
Next was on to Sonic Burger, where they couldn’t prepare food, couldn’t fill napkin dispensers, and Nichole couldn’t wear the shake suit without flipping the bird to traffic on the street. (Now, in her defense-- having once been Snow White at Disneyland for a summer, I can tell you that she did what every person who ever donned a character suit would love to do!) Paris liked the roller skates she got to wear, and flirting... oops... I mean waiting on customers. She’s a real people person, that Paris. Boss #2 also said she would recommend the girls someday, provided they swore never to go near a fast food chain again.
Next were clips of “Jobs you didn’t get to see.” The first: fishing. Of course these girls are screaming in glee on the boat, scaring away any fish within state lines. The one fish they did catch, they played with like a puppet and it slipped out of their hands into the water. Fisherman Fred fired them after reprimanding them for losing the 5 dollars he would have gotten for that fish. He does, however, promise to recommend the girls someday, provided they swore never to go near a fish again.
The next job was at a vet’s clinic. Veterinarian Victor asks them to help with a simple castration procedure. Nichole squeals like a bull being inspected for pregnancy when the animal is snipped; Paris cowers on the floor. Curiously, the vet isn’t on hand to say if he would recommend them for a job or not. I assume it’s because he doesn’t want them to have to swear that they never go near a Dr. who would provide a vasectomy to their future mates. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
The word on the street according to Leeza, was “is there any place these 2 can go to work?” Even Pa admits that most people “volunteered to take them off our hands for awhile.” Ah, nothing like pity to get your friends to hire the most inept duo on the planet.
Buffalo, the “Good Lord” guy, is the only person who seems to have enjoyed their brief stint as workers. In one of the most honest moments on television, he admits it was because they brought in business. They giggle, and relive the college “ingesting of the minnow” prank. Ha Ha Ha...this is new. I went to Berkeley; we NEVER saw anyone do that. One live fishy would have been to gross.
When we come back, did Justin get his threesome? (my intuition says no)