Disclaimer : This summary contains snarky remarks at the expense of twiggy, overprivileged blondes, by a non-twiggy, medium-privileged brunette. It also contains shameless inside jokes and personal appearances by a number of DAWs, mainly to fill in the gaps because the aforementioned brunette didnít watch more than two other episodes. So sue me.
However, I can state with full confidence that this official SB summary contains ABSOLUTELY NO PEANUTS. Also, no Toronto Blue Jays were harmed in the creation of this document.
Mmm.. peanuts. Iím hungry. Again. And I have to pee. Again.
Whoops, sorry, TMI. Letís try that again, shall we?
The Simple Life : The Final Days
Or, We Ran Out of Stilted Dialogue, So Letís Wind This Dog up With Lots of Filler
Are you waiting with bated breath to see if two rich, spoiled girls can conquer ďThe Simple LifeĒ? No? Oh, I see. Youíre at work and nobodyís on OT. Oh, well. I suppose that makes you as good an audience as any. Better, even, because you wonít be inspired to turn off the computer and actually do something. Right?
The credulous among us might be hanging on this intro, but I sincerely hope theyíre in the minority. We are presented with three headings: Conquering the Simple Life, Working for a Living, and Boys. After each clip, we see a number of scenes flash before us. Now, I canít swear to this, because frankly, all my brain matter is dissolving into belly, but it seems to me that all the clips are from the two episodes Iíve seen. Strange. Could it be that theyíve *gasp* recycled some of the footage? Wasnít there just a recrap episode last night? What is with that HAT?
Anyway, recrap finished (and two precious minutes over with), we hear the intro, for, thank Rory, the last time. I swear to you all, if I ever hear that again, Iím going to do some serious damage to my own eardrums.
In Altus, it is the last night (drum roll, please). There is a full moon. What does this mean? Are there werewolves? Because werewolves scare the pants off me, so if there are, Iím gonna go hide in the bathtub.
Thereís a certain amount of screaming coming from the tv screen. Apparently, Miss Nicole has lost her purse.
Ah. Not wereWOLVES. Wereb!tches. Less scary, although something has got to be done about that outfit.
The local barmaid seems to be of two minds about the wereb!tches (Iíll give her the benefit of the doubt on the mind thing, shall I?). On the one hand, theyíre sweet and on the other, they can turn on you in a moment.
Insta-Quiz (shamelessly lifted from someone, probably Saint Bebo of the Maternity Panties)
If someone is nice to you one minute and hideously snarky the next, they are:
a. Sweet, deep down inside b. An evil wereb!tch from the planet Vogon c. Too rich for their own good d. Landru
After various shots of the disapproving crowd, including one truly spectacular specimen who is chewing his gum so sloppily that they can hear him in Abitibi, we see, yet again, Nicole throwing bleach. Because, of course, that will help her get her purse back.
One question: Did nobody frisk these individuals for drugs before they left? I mean, obviously they took away credit cards, cell phones, etc., but did it really never cross anyoneís mind to do a body cavity search for controlled substances? Something is wrong with this picture.
Still, itís one of the few non-stilted, unscripted moments in this whole series (which, of course, I have viewed exhaustively), so Iíll give it a pass. I donít even think it was planned for them to get kicked out of the bar,although I am willing to bet that the barís inhabitants were encouraged to yell ďGo home, rich b!tch, go home!Ē by producers bearing cases of Bud.
a. Beer b. Winshield washer fluid c. Sofa King close to water d. JVís favourite beverage
Another moon shot. I swear, the only thing freakier than werewolves is birds.