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The Simple Life 1 - Episode 6 Summary

'Cute Guys Are Relative' By AMAI
Original Airdate: January 7, 2004

Previously (I mean before the reruns), Paris proved she's smarter than ANYbody thought. She memorized a credit card number. Woo! Sneaky or what?

We open without fanfare in the “beauty parlor.” Curly is having her hair done, and Janet and “Our Girls” are on hand to provide moral support. Obviously all has been forgiven for the stolen birdcage. Having checked out all sorts of other recaps around the 'Net, I realize I missed the fact that (a) Paris & Nicole were having manicures and (b) Janet Leding was getting a pedicure. Damn, they really pack a whole lot of activity into the first 30 seconds of the show. I re-watched what I had on tape 3 times, and didn't see any evidence of said 'cures.

Janet wants to know about the girls’ taste in men. Paris wants her guy to be nice, sweet, smart, good-looking, fun, honest. I guess it would provide a yang to her yin. Although I have to say, she is attractive in her way. But I like skinny.

“Do they have to be good looking?” Ah, Janet is trying to matchmake her own sons. However, just because “good-looking” wasn’t first on the list, doesn’t mean Paris is willing to compromise on that issue. Janet is definitely trying to figure out how to organize a permanent connection to the Hilton fortune.

Nicole announces she doesn’t like good-looking guys. She prefers skinny pale guys who look like they’re dying. Someone ought to introduce her to Ryan Shoulders from Survivor. Getting down & dirty in the produce section would probably be a step up for Nicole.

Janet gets in the spirit, “Oh you mean guys who look like they’ve got no blood in them.” Nicole nods sickly, like she is disgusted to realize that Marilyn Manson is who truly meets these specifications. I guess it doesn’t seem so glamorous when everyone in the room is healthy and as far from keeling over from an overdose as you can get.

Janet wonders what Lionel would think if she brought someone home like that. “Oh I already have,” says Nicole and Paris laughs. Janet gets a close-up gawp. “Oh mah god, what did he do?” “He cried.” Paris laughs and rolls over on her beauty parlor chaise, showing off her jean-clad ass. Her laughing makes me think Nicole is making the whole thing up or at least stretching the truth about her dad crying. Or maybe it’s because she can’t believe Nicole is telling the truth. These girls laugh so much at the most inconsequential of details that I’m quite beyond knowing the reason.

Next, the theme of tonight’s episode. Yep, let's blame Janet. She just had to know about their love lives, didn’t she? “Do you think you could ever fall in love with a guy from a small town?”

Paris’ contribution is: “She likes dirty ugly boys.” As if to say, Nicole should be totally into farmhand goombahs such as they’ve encountered thus far. Nicole says she doesn’t like those guys, and Paris laughs again.

Wang-a-wocka-twang-twang, over we go to The Farm. On the Ledings’ sofa, the girls are all spruced up for their interview. More likely the cameramen flagged them down on their way out to paint the town blue. At least two different sofa interviews provide footage that is interspersed throughout this episode. From the Dolled-Up Footage Paris tells us there aren’t a lot of cute guys in this town, “Maybe 2 out of 1000.”

Math that doesn't involve money isn't Paris' strongpoint. The whole town of Altus has only 817 people. With roughly half of them female, Paris must be counting some guys 3 times. Or she isn’t being reminded of the population the way we are.

Beauty parlor. Nicole has suggestions for Curly’s new ‘do. “How about a big afro with blonde streaks, like Scary Spice?” The Spice reference must go right over Curly’s head, because she wouldn't have the sense not to admit it if she recognized it.

Curly's concerned with the repercussions and ramifications of getting a wild makeover, which is what she considers anything other than “her usual.” -- “What would my husband say?” Nicole keeps a straight face, “He wouldn’t say anything, he’d just drag you off to the bedroom.” Big laugh from everyone, Curly most of all. Hmm, I wonder if that's why we don't see her for the rest of the episode. D'ya suppose...?

Opening credits. The girls stretch their legs, do their shopping, ride in their car, all as the hick hillbilly song plays. Twang twang.

“Two simple girls
beyond belief.
They are so dumb,
they’ll come to grief.
Hillbilly dweebs, we don’t know sh!t,
But we look smart, next to these twits."

Catchy song, aint it? As she lays out, Paris really looks like she hasn’t a functioning brain cell in her head. But I know better now. Looks CAN be deceiving. She memorized a credit card number! So shut up all you naysayers.

Ads. Shilling The Daily Show, Jon Stewart reports breaking news, “Paris Hilton no longer wants to party.”

Back with Voice Over Dude a.k.a. Hillbilly Jed, who twangs it’s Day 20, and Paris & Nicole have jumped at the chance to work at Buffalo Leding’s Lakeside Food Mart & Gas Station. Yeah, Ledings pretty much run this town. There are cousins and siblings in every important business. The girls reckon they’ll find cute guys here. After all, they’ve looked everywhere else.

Just because they’re interested in doing the job is no reason not to look their best. And looking one's best takes time. They can't throw on any old outfits. Although it looks like they did.

They arrive fashionably late. “Good Lord, girls, you’re 2 hours late,” says Buffalo. “We had to make our costumes. Our work outfits," say the girls. "Good Lord."

I think by “make” they mean assemble, piece by piece, from underwear to jewellery. Everything in the wardrobe had to be tried on, mixed and matched, until just the right combination of sexy skank had been achieved. “Good Lord,” says Buffalo for the fifth time since they arrived. They aren’t even inside yet.

Paris is wearing a brown fur over a mini Indian Squaw Chic dress, and Nicole has a white fur over some ugly-ass ensemble. Two hours ... for that?

Still, they are there, and ready to give it their all. Buffalo instructs them to also clean windshields. As they head together to attack the first car, they argue over who is going to pump the gas and who is going to wash the windshield. Nicole says she shouldn’t have to wash windshields because of her white coat.

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