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The Simple Life 1 - Episode 2 Summary

'Milking It' By AyaK
Original Airdate: December 3, 2003

Welcome back to the totally real, not at all fake “reality” show starring (1) the horny Hilton hotel heiress, Paris Hilton, and (2) one of Michael Jackson’s former bedmates, Nicole Richie. When we last saw Paris and Nicole, they were reading the script revealing their naivety. Now, on Day 2 in Altus, Arkansas, they’re going to get their first real job.

In a flashback scene to “zip code 90210” (from two weeks before the show), Paris and Nicole reveal that neither has ever had a job in her life. Not even clerking in one of the shops along Rodeo Drive – a job that would seem to be tailor-made for these two “fashionistas” while teaching them that there really is something else in life besides sex and partying. Parents of America, let this be a warning to you – let your kids idle the time away with their friends when they’re teenagers, and they might grow up to be like Paris or Nicole. Would anyone want his or her child lumped in with these two? Unless you could get your kid lumped into their trust funds, too?

Paris says she “feels bad” for people who have to work. Maybe that’s why she’s been making amateur porn films – noblesse oblige.

So, at 5:15, Albert wakes the girls up. We see a totally real, not at all fake conversation between “parents” Albert and Janet saying that they hope the girls do a good job at work, at “Danny’s Dairy Farm,” because it will reflect poorly upon Albert and Janet if they don’t. Right, like Albert and Janet are close personal friends of the Hiltons and Lionel Richie. And like there isn’t a camera crew tagging along to record Paris and Nicole’s every move. And like the producers haven’t promised to make up for whatever losses Danny suffers from giving these two nitwits another photo op.

Paris and Nicole primp in front of a mirror while getting ready for work, proving that they have no idea what working on a dairy farm is like. The narrator tells us that they’re exchanging their “fur collars” for “blue collars.” Right.

Albert hurries them up, and they finally leave for work at 6 – the time they were supposed to arrive at work. In fact, they don’t arrive until 7. Huh? If the drive was an hour, no one in Arkansas would have awakened them only 45 minutes beforehand. SO WHAT HAPPENED? Did Paris cruise the town square looking for hot guys? Did they get lost? Did they decide to quit the show? Did Paris stop off for a “quickie” with one of the camera guys? Who knows?

Anyway, when Paris and Nicole finally arrive, Danny takes them to “clock in.” Yes, he has a time clock and time cards. Uh, just how many employees does this farm have? Paris and Nicole pout over the smell. Paris asks Danny if you get used to it. He tells her that the smell isn’t nearly as bad elsewhere in the farm, and anyway, “It's not near as bad as that perfume you've got on.”

Danny puts them to work immediately, ringing bells to wake up the cows in the pasture. The cows do indeed wake up and race in to eat – one task accomplished. Hooray! Paris and Nicole are not completely worthless!

Just almost completely.

Danny brings them back in and tells the girls that they need to order the cows away from the food trough, and they need to be aggressive or the cows won’t respond. Nicole takes charge and succeeds again, swearing like a Hell’s Angel in the process. The cows, who have probably never heard such language in their lives, and Danny, who has probably never heard such language from a “classy” woman in his life, seem equally shocked -- but the cows moved, as required.

Meanwhile, in a series of clips, we see Paris’ tiny Chihuahua Tinkerbell receiving the royal treatment from four-year-old Braxton Leding, who thinks that a toy-sized dog is, well, a toy. First Braxton carries Tink to the kitchen table, then Braxton makes a cheese sandwich for Tink, who hungrily gobbles down the cheese. Then Braxton and Tink go out to play on a swingset. Tink ends up – with a few pushes from the boy of the house – going backward down a child’s slide, despite all four of her paws scrambling to stop the slide. Tink doesn’t seem to think the slide is any fun at all. Tink also doesn’t seem to like meeting the cows in the backyard any more than her owner likes meeting their cousins at the dairy farm.

Back at the farm, the girls have to clean the cow’s udders. Paris says she’s never drinking milk or eating hamburger again. (Not an atypical reaction from people who merely tour most working dairy farms, by the way -- and it would certainly be worse from someone who had to work in one. But we'll believe it when she gives up cheese, too) Nicole complains to Danny that a cow “plopped” on her arm while she was working. Danny helpfully tells her that it’s on her cheek too.

During a break, Paris makes a whiny call home to her mom, who fawns over her, on the dairy’s phone. We are never told whether Paris had permission from Danny to make the call, but Danny is talking to Nicole about her next job, “driving the Polish pickup,” during it. Finally, Danny has had enough of Paris’ constant whine to her mom about how hard her life is -- she hasn’t even had sex in two days and may be too tired after this! He walks over to the phone, and tells Paris that he’s going to unplug the cord in 15 seconds unless she finishes.

The “Polish pickup” turns out to be a wheelbarrow. Nicole’s job – a real job – is to fill the feed bins for the cows. Paris gets to wash the barn, apparently in the hope that the cow stench will overpower her perfume. Naturally, we get footage of Nicole actually doing her job, although the wheelbarrow topples to one side at one point. Naturally, we get very little footage of Paris doing anything.

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