• Another team fights with Charla & Mirna. This time, it’s Teri & Ian. • Some teams had trouble abusing fish. • Team Guido was helped by Charla & Mirna, and then left ‘em in their dust. • Rob & Amber still rock. David & Mary still suck.
Before we get into the episode, I need to make something clear. Every person who’s ever been on television has fifteen minutes of fame, and this includes reality TV contestants. For some people, like Bilal & Sa’eed from last season, those fifteen minutes don’t even span one episode’s length. For others, like Richard Hatch, the fifteen minutes are much longer. But everyone has fifteen minutes. And once the clock strikes 15:00, it’s done. This summary documents some of those final minutes. Remember, it’s not the end of the world; it’s just the end of the game.
The following episode takes place between 14:30 and 15:00.
The teams are currently at the pitstop in Chile, celebrating Team Kentucky’s elimination. Now they won’t be hounded for autographs anymore.
Rob & Amber are the first to depart, and they rip open their clue. They must travel to Punta Arenas, Chile and drive fifteen miles to a shipwreck to find the next clue. As they get into their car, we’re treated to the typical Romber confessionals. Rob thinks they’re the strongest team, but Amber feels that they’re peaking too early. Worried that she’s making fun of his masculinity, Rob contends that they’re not even close to that point yet. From first place, there’s no where to go but up. At this rate, Romber is going to be the first team ever to finish in 0th place.
Uchenna & Joyce leave next. They’ve still got a healthy rivalry with Romber, even though they’ve only beaten them four times in their TAR careers. Still, as Uchenna observes, one of these victories earned them a million dollars on a reality show, which is something Romber can’t claim to have done.
…Wait a minute. Scratch that.
Eric & Danielle leave third. Eric notices that it’s weird to have a girlfriend on the race. Still, it doesn’t matter to him, because…
Eric: “I’m treating her pretty much like a guy, except she has nicer boobs.”
Yeah, take that, Jeremy’s boobs. It’s pretty obvious that it was Jeremy’s lack of boobage that cost them a million bucks. That, and the whole “failure at flag identification” thing. For now, we’ll just say it was the boobs.
Meanwhile, Romber’s arrived at the airport. They effortlessly procure tickets on the 9:40 flight, the earliest departure time. They find some computers to do research on the next location, and Amber convinces herself that they should be looking for a painting. This reasoning is particularly odd, because Romber isn’t exactly a Season One team. Romber came from the Era of Ridiculously Obvious Clues, like “travel 5.4237 miles to this specific and recognizable location.” Rob must agree with this reasoning, as he discovers that it’s actually a real shipwreck at all.
Anyway, Dustin & Kandice are next. In a confessional, they comment that their inconsistency has been the result of second-guessing themselves. They could be wrong, though. They’re also intimidated by Romber’s three first-place finishes thus far. Danny & Oswald, leaving fifth, talk about how the other teams don’t take them seriously as racers. They’re immediately contradicted by the Evil TAR Editors, as we listen in on a discussion of Kandice’s snoring habits. It’s not snoring, it’s strategy. They’re effectively keeping up all the other teams at night by using a human wind tunnel.
Teri & Ian and Bill & Joe leave next. Teri & Ian give a typical confessional about them being old fogies who remember when shag carpeting was really groovy. Team Guido, too fashionable for shag carpeting, makes some comment about being in the back of the pack. It’s really humbling for them to actually have to race against people who know what they’re doing. In other words, they miss Team Momily.
Charla & Mirna depart in last place, as usual, and head straight to the hotel to book plane tickets. Mirna seems to be carrying a lot of the workload. She says…
Mirna: “I do more than any one single person has probably ever done on the race, to compensate for Charla’s shortcomings.”
This kind of comment further demonstrates Mirna’s ignorance of politically correct language, since the proper term is obviously verticallychallengedcomings. Expect calls from Oprah tonight, Mirna. And Dr. Phil. And Maury.
Anyway, the Beauty Queens, Team Cha-Cha-Cha, Chip & Kim v2.0, and plain old Eric & Danielle all get flights on the 9:40 flight, just like Romber. Teri & Ian try to get on the flight, but it’s full already. However, on The Amazing Race, the term “full” means “only one more spot left,” so Teri & Ian get tickets anyway. Unfortunately for Team Guido, “flight boarding” doesn’t.
…Unless, of course, your names are “Uchenna & Joyce” and it’s the finale of TAR7. Then “flight boarding” means “screw over Romber.”
But it doesn’t, so Team Guido can’t board the plane. Instead, they find information about the shipwreck location from a guy at the airport and surround him, so that Charla & Mirna can’t interrogate him. It’s not like Charla & Mirna really want to be around the Guidos, though, since they were ditched during the previous leg. Of course, pretty much every team is going to be sued by Charla & Mirna after the race is over, not just the Guidos. Class action lawsuits for the win.
Anyway, the flights leave/arrive, and Romber’s the first team with a taxi. They know exactly where they’re going because they stole some directions from Uchenna & Joyce that a stewardess was going to give them. The only reason he got them was because he promised the stewardess that he’d take her to the Final Two. Because of this, Romber gets to the cluebox first. Detour!
This week, teams must either Navigate It or Sign It. In Navigate It, teams will use a map to find a sailor, who will give them a compass. Teams will use the compass to travel south to find the Nautilus building, the location of the next clue. In Sign It, teams must make a signpost, depicting all the pitstops (in the correct order) of Magellan’s race around the world. For those of you who didn’t see it, this was actually TAR0. Sadly, Magellan got eliminated during the Philippines leg.
Romber, Uchenna & Joyce, and Dustin & Kandice choose “Sign It,” while Oswald & Danny, Eric & Danielle, and Teri & Ian choose “Navigate It.” Since these episodes are confusing to follow, we’ll just follow one Detour at a time.
The Navigating teams are doing fairly well, since that’s what Amazing Racers do. Each of the three teams locates its compass easily. Eric & Danielle finish first, followed by the other two teams. Their clue instructs them to go to the airport and sign up for charter planes that leave three hours apart. They’ll fly to the city of Ushuia, and then travel to Playa Larga beach for their next clue. For some reason, Danielle thinks they’re going to Australia instead of Argentina. Crikey!
The “Sign It” Detour isn’t going nearly as smoothly. Romber has figured out the order of the signs, but Rob has misspelled the word “Philippines.”
Uchenna & Joyce, on the other hand, spelled everything right, but are convinced that Magellan began in Guam. Both teams get rejected by the judge. Astounded at being incorrect at something, Rob actually asks the judge if he’s sure. The judge promptly shoots him down again. Rob comments that it better not be a spelling problem, as the camera zooms in on “Philippenes” again. It could be worse, though. At least he doesn’t have “Stupid” spelled on his forehead.
Meanwhile, Oswald & Danny, Eric & Danielle, and Teri & Ian have gotten all three spots on the first charter plane. When Teri & Ian check in, the younger teams drop a hat on them from above. This kind of chicanery must really excite Ian, because he’s ready to party with the young people. Danielle looks “less than thrilled.”
Back at the Detour, Amber wants to switch tasks, but Rob wants to keep going. Uchenna & Joyce finally realize that the New World was North America and not Europe. They fix their signposts and get their clue. They end up as the first team on the second charter. Rob & Amber and Dustin & Kandice, worried about their placement, decide to switch to the other Detour option and work together. Switching Detours is always a bad sign. Of course, sticking to the original Detour was also a bad sign. Literally.
By the way, Charla & Mirna and the Guidos have finally arrived. Charla & Mirna choose “Sign It,” while the Guidos do “Navigate It.” The Guidos must be moving pretty fast, since they pass the Romber/BeautyQueen conglomerate. Also, Rob’s convinced that he knows where they’re going, despite never being to the city before. Because of this, the Guidos finish the challenge before the other two teams. It doesn’t really matter, though, since everyone ends up on the second charter flight anyway.
Charla & Mirna, as usual, are screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. That’s just how they roll. What Charla lacks in inches, she makes up for in decibels. They’re trying to move all of the supplies up the stairs, but they can’t get it all in one trip. Instead, they’ve opted for the “one, 35-minute trip of hell” strategy. When they finally do get up the stairs, they can’t figure out what order the signs go in, so they have to quit. This Detour option has officially kicked the crap out of Charla & Mirna.
…Luckily for them, their crap levels are extraordinarily high. So they’ll be fine.
They end up finishing the “Navigate It” Detour fairly quietly, and check in last for the second charter. Luckily for them, 8th place is exactly the same as 4th place right now. Still, 4th place isn’t good enough for Rob right now. He’s frustrated and sulky, and Amber calls him out on it. After some goading from Amber, Rob finally admits that he wants to be Number One. He just can’t stand seeing another team win a Travelocity trip. Only Romber should get to roam with the gnome.
Anyway, the first charter flight arrives in Argentina. By some miracle, Teri & Ian are the first team out of the airport. For those of you expecting the Apocalypse, don’t worry. They eventually travel along the wrong path, so Oswald & Danny and Eric & Danielle pass them. It’s not the end of the world. Yet.
Oh wait a minute. It is. Teams must travel to Isla Redonda, also known as the end of the world by taking a 2-team ferryboat that departs every 20 minutes. Then, they should travel to the epic-sounding Post Office at the End of the World to find their next clue. In essence, this leg has become: TAR11: The Quest for a Book of Stamps. Teams will have to travel to the end of the world, just to stand in a slow-moving line at the post office.
Oswald & Danny and Eric & Danielle share the first ferryboat, while Teri & Ian have to wait for the second. These first two teams quickly rip open their clues. Roadblock! In this Roadblock, a team member must sort through over 1,600 envelopes to find one of two that are addressed to them. These letters are from a team from the racers’ first race outing. After reading them, they can get their next clue.
As the Tedious Searching Task commences, the second charter touches down. All the teams get taxis except for Romber and Charla & Mirna.
Spotting a taxi approaching, Romber runs out and nabs it. Charla & Mirna protest this in their typical way, by screaming and making impassioned pleas. It may have worked on suckers like Kami & Karli, but this ain’t TAR5. Romber quickly closes the cab door and speeds away. Consequently, Mirna comments…
Mirna: “I can’t believe Rob & Amber took our taxi and left.”
Y’know, the taxi that Mirna didn’t call for and didn’t reach first. But the point is that Mirna would’ve taken it, so by default, the taxi is her property.
By the way, Oswald & Danny have finished the Roadblock, receiving a really nice letter from Blaige. That’s Blake & Paige, for all you non-TAR2 linguists. Eric & Danielle’s letter is from Jeremy & Dani, their respective counterparts from TAR9. Both teams are instructed to travel along a marked path to Mastil de Belgrano, which is the location of the next pitstop.
As Teri & Ian start the Roadblock, Oswald & Danny check into the Pitstop first. They win a trip to Maui, courtesy of that gnome. Oswald & Danny want Phil to come. Phil politely declines, saying “that’s a whole different reality show.” Yeah, and it’s called Gay, Straight, or Phil?” Eric & Danielle check-in second, winning nothing but a night of Kandice snoring.
While traveling to the cluebox, Rob’s still holding on to the possibility of finishing first. There’s always the chance that the first charter went to Australia. It’s not like Danielle would’ve noticed anyway. On arrival, Romber ends up going down the Teri & Ian Path of Failure, and Charla & Mirna follow. Realizing their mistake, Romber doubles back, with Amber commenting that she’s “got it” as they pass Charla & Mirna. Despite walking into the woods for another ten minutes, Mirna says she didn’t believe them for a second. Why?
Mirna: “As an attorney, I can tell when people are lying.”
This superpower is particularly useful since an attorney isn’t the judge of one’s innocence or guilt. Um, that’s the judge… And the jury. Not the attorney. We’ll just strike that last one from the record.
Teri & Ian, meanwhile, have finished the Roadblock. They get a letter from Flo & Zach, who Ian describes as really nice people. In between Flo’s frequent tantrums and quit-threats every other minute, I’m sure they squeezed in a little bit of niceness during TAR3. I vaguely recall her cracking a smile at the finish line. Speaking of which, Teri & Ian ended up finishing third this leg.
By the way, Dustin & Kandice and the Guidos have reached the dock and travel together to the end of the world. Uchenna & Joyce and Rob & Amber are going to be on the next one, but they have to wait. While they do so, Charla & Mirna show up and confronts them about their earlier lie. Amber deftly replies that she was actually talking to Rob when she said that. This prompts both teams to start laughing in the fakest way possible. It’s basically the “Hahaha… I’LL CUT YOU!” kind of laughter. You know, the kind of laughter that Tom Cruise makes when he’s on television.
As Charla & Mirna worries about their last place position, Dustin & Kandice and Team Guido have begun the Roadblock. In yet another stereotypical moment, one of the Guidos tells the other not to ruin his manicure. Kandice wants a manicure too, so the Guidos will let her borrow their nail buffer at the next pitstop. I can’t believe I’m summarizing this crap.
There’s quite a bit of tension between Uchenna & Joyce and Romber on the ferryboat. Uchenna & Joyce really want to beat them again. Sigh. These feuds between reality TV millionaires just have to stop.
Team Guido finishes the Roadblock first and gets a letter from Frank (of Frank & Margarita). It’s basically a lot of nonsense, hoping that it’ll annoy the Guidos. Frank’s letter obviously comes off as “campy” to the Guidos, so they end up loving it. Dustin & Kandice’s letter is from Lyn (of Lyn & Karlyn). Even though Karlyn is too busy to bother with them, Lyn writes some encouraging words, ending it with “TAR10 for the win.” Since this is actually the eleventh season, she’s probably completely repressed the gawdawful Family Edition. Lyn was therefore one of the lucky ones.
The Guidos and the Beauty Queens finish 4th and 5th, respectively. Just in case you cared.
Meanwhile, Romber & Uchenna & Joyce have arrived at the Roadblock. Rob and Joyce opt to do it. Charla & Mirna arrive shortly thereafter, much to the chagrin of Rob.
Uchenna & Joyce finishes the task first and receive a really comforting letter from Susan & Patrick. Then they head to the Pitstop and arrive 6th. Now they have to wait in line for a manicure, especially since Kandice is a nail-buffer hog.
Back at the Roadblock, things are heating up. Charla is quietly giving Mirna some advice. Rob snaps at both of them, which prompts another tantrum from Mirna. This one’s even more unintelligible than the previous ones. She yells something about praying to their deceased grandmother to help them, which is supposed to be some sort of slam on Romber. It probably has something to do with all the grandparents’ names that Rob’s sworn on during his reality TV career.
After about six more tension moments at the post office, Charla & Mirna finally find their letter, which is from Lance & Marshall.
Since Marshall & Lance are probably still stuck at that Roadblock in Egypt looking for that scarab, the letter wasn’t very nice. It basically purported that Charla & Mirna speak so many languages that can’t even speak English. It’s not exactly a false statement either. Charla & Mirna treat languages like Free Sample Day at the grocery store, taking small bits of several different kinds. It’s still not a complete meal, though.
Amber’s not worried, because they can still beat them in a footrace. Then we cut to Charla calling Amber a bitch. Then Amber comments that Charla & Mirna are just upset because they lied to them. She and Rob laugh evilly, because, frankly, there’s not much else that they can do. They finally get their letter from Susan & Patrick, which Rob calls “insulting.” The whole situation is turning into a really bad dream for Romber, because now teams that they’ve never even heard of are taking shots at them.
Next, we get to watch Charla & Mirna and Romber running around in the brush for awhile. It’s basically Charla falling down a lot with Mirna yelling “LEVEL 5, CHARLA!” repeatedly. At this point, this kind of randomness from Mirna is unquestioned and expected by the audience.
Eventually, Charla & Mirna check into the pitstop, with a little help from Uchenna. Charla is extremely excited, giving an inspirational speech about not knowing when they’ll get over last place. All these legs they’ve been finishing in second-to-last place and now they’ve finally beaten it. They’ve finished 7th. Out of 8. Good improvement, ladies.
Romber dejectedly arrives in last place, and Phil promptly Philiminates them. ‘Cause that’s what he does.
Amber, looking for a silver lining, brings up their three first place finishes again. She also remarks that there’s no better place to be eliminated than the end of the world. In a confessional, Rob notes that he’ll miss competing, and not being a part of the game. He hasn’t experienced this since Survivor Marquesas, so it creates a little bit of symmetry for him. At least he’s got a great wife and a poker career. And isn’t that all a guy really needs?
By the way, next week’s episode is going to feature some tension between Eric & Danielle and Team Guido. Also, Charla almost gets eaten by a rat next week. I can’t wait for Sunday.
Well, that wraps up the Rob & Amber Saga on primetime television. It spanned five different seasons total of Survivor and The Amazing Race, plus a wedding special on CBS. I’m not even going to tally up all the cable shows they did. Because of these endeavors, Rob & Amber are some of the biggest reality TV stars ever. However, all things must end… And every fifteen minutes runs out. That’s the nature of television. You never know, some TV producer out there might turn their clocks back a couple minutes.
So don’t worry, Romber fans. It’s not the end of the world.