Survivor: Pearl Islands - Episode 1 Summary

'Pirates of the Panamanian: Cursing the Pearl Islands' By TeamJoisey

Ahoy, me hearties and shiver yer barnacled timbers! Long Jiffy Probe and the brigantine “Surviv-whore” be castin’ off on another adventure.

'Tis a great grand ship: The scuppers are brewing with sprogs, the sheets are sprung upon the mizzenmast, and the nippers are binding the prow. Raise yer spyglass, swabbie, for we have our Letters of Marque and are on the account once more! Let's haul wind!

Is that enough gratuitous pirate jibberish for you? Good. The season is 15 seconds old and already my stomach needs a bilge pump. Next week I want TWO eye patches.

The show opens with some travelogue footage of Panama City. Get a good look now, ‘cause we ain’t goin’ there. Instead, we zoom across the water to the good ship Rembrandt van Rijn, named for the infamous Dutch pirate. And there’s Long Jiffy Probe! He tells us the contestants are all dressed up below deck, thinking they are getting ready for publicity photos, but he’s about to throw them overboard. Thank you baby Jesus, for he did not say, “walk the plank.”

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Blah blah blah.. no suitcases… no luxury items… no clothes… no Texas flag… blah blah blah… we know all this from the 1,687 commercials about how much better this is gonna be then ever before. Then Jeff says:

“In the end (zoom in on Darrah) only one will (cut to Sean and Andrew) remain to claim (cut to the group) the million dollar prize.”

Can they be any more blatant?? Roll the opening montage. By the way, fellow spoilers: Did you like that shot of the near drowning? HA!

But I’m jumping ahead.

We all know Long Jiffy Probe, and his career of evil deeds. Let me introduce the other pathetic creeps:

The Drunk Tribe

Burton Roberts, 31, single guy in San Francisco (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Prep school rich boy, Eagle Scout, adventure racer, Bud drinker. He’s a marketing executive at a video game company, which means he sits in an office all day playing with his joystick. That Masters degree is really paying off! But I drew his name in the office pool, so I say he wins.

Christa Hastie, 24, pseudo-intellectual Nazi crackwhore from Los Angeles. She a kickboxing computer virus author who buys cocaine on eBay and likes to sew fun and unique clothes, particularly those with pointy hoods. She looks kinda trashy in a master race kinda way, as if she buys her lingerie from Friedrich’s of Nuremburg. She expects her food preparation skills will be an asset to the team. You know she practiced building a fire in Osten’s front yard.

Jon Daulton, 29, originally from Danville, Virginia but currently living in Los Angeles where he is an art consulant. And yes, his hat makes an artistic statement: “I’m with Stupid.” Jon’s idol is Hugh Hefner; his hobbies are girls, music and television; his goal is to have sex with another Survivor. He describes himself as sharp, quick and amazing. HA! He vows to kick off all the old people. Asswipe, look around. You are not a high school sophomore anymore! You ARE the old people. A pathetic case of arrested development. And just wait until he gets drunk.

Michelle Tesauro, 22, from Pittstown, Noo Joisey. Perky lil thing, ain’t she? A former lifeguard, former cheerleader, gymnast. She drinks her iced tea extra sweet, loves sugar cookies with frosting and eats Fruity Pebbles. She will double her weight in 15 years. Those hideous glasses are the official “Sandra Bullock geek/hidden hottie” disguise. One time, at band camp… she was voted Most Likely to Cause Diabetes.

The Dread Pirate Rupert Boneham, 39, Deadhead psychobabblist from Indianapolis. He’s proud of having avoided real work his whole life, except for the part where he was a gravedigger. Now he’s a mentor for troubled teen boys, which means he still gets all the best drugs. His favorite magazine is Playboy, he loves Goldie Hawn and PacMan. Someone poke Rupert and tell him the ‘70s are over. He looks like a caveman, and expects to be a hunter-gatherer for his tribe. Someone poke Rupert and tell him 10,000,000 B.C. is over.

Sandra Diaz-Twine, 29, sent over from Central Casting to play the Feisty Latina. She likes to merengue and drink non-alcoholic pina coladas, and will do the Alicia Calloway finger waggin’ with a salsa beat. Right now she works as a bureaucrat for the U.S. Army at Fort Lewis, Washington, but she’s proudest of getting an Associate’s Degree in Marketing at Fayetteville Community College. She and Burton have lots to talk about! She feels her Army background will be an asset. Yeah, if they have to invade Panama.

Shawn Cohen, 29, single, meathead. He’s from New York, now living in Hollywood. Once worked in advertising sales; his friends and family dubbed him “The Ultimate Salesman.” Now he’s running a web site for other losers who can’t find work. Hopes to soon to be doing walk-ons in crappy CBS sitcoms. He loves Pacino and DeNiro, but is probably closer to Tony Danza. Loves sunflowers, white wine, soy vanilla latte. Did I mention he’s single?

Trish Dunn, 42, a sales executive who ran all the way from Annapolis, Maryland to be here tonight. She describes herself as a born leader, a gifted problem solver, focused, competitive and loyal. She’s the mother of twins, a kayakin’, hikin’, rock-climbin’, snowboardin’, bungee-jumpin’ ball of energy. She’s also overdosed on Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries. With a little push, she could gut, clean and cook young punk Jon Daulton, and still make something useful out of that hat. Hard to say anything bad about Trish, but let’s just see what 39 days in the sun does to that kayakin’, hikin’, rock-climbin’, snowboardin’, bungee-jumpin’ face of hers.

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