Tonightís episode opens on the Roller Derby rink. This? should be good. Itís my opinion that there is nothing funnier than people falling down, and people falling down on skates- brilliant. Of course it will be a match between the hunks and the Average Joes.
Some rules: 1. No elbows 2. No shots to the head 3. No shots below the waist 4. No kicking 5. No pushing
Pffft. Sounds like no fun to me!
What follows next is a montage of guys falling down, both hunks and AJís alike, and lots of pushing and body checks. Clay is skating like a champ, whizzing by the hunks and ducking as they try and throw elbows at him (hello? did anyone pay attention to the rules?) Average Josh is giving it his all, attacking the hunks with body bumps and pushes. The thing that makes this hilarious is that every time Josh collides with a hunk, he ends up knocking himself on his ass, and the hunks just keep on skating as if they were brushing off a fly. Ya gotta love Joshís heart and determination though. The Joes are taking some pretty nasty spills, especially Arthur, who falls over and over and over. And over. Carson comments that Arthur was intentionally throwing himself to the ground to gain some sympathy from Anna. You know what? it worked. Anna consoles a broken Arthur by helping him take off his skates and applying an ice pack to his knee. Aww.
Now, whatís a Roller Derby (or an episode of AJ) without a fight breaking out? Tonightís combatants are Carson (gee, didnít see that one coming) and Nathan. They get into a scuffle on the rails and try to push each other over. This is great. Go Nathan Go!! Oops, there goes Nathan, sliding all the way down the ramp on his ass. At least he didnít get pushed over the railing. Now Nathan has popped up and heís going back after Carson. Unfortunately, the refs are there to break it up. But wait! Carsonís not done yet. He decides that it would be a good idea to start arguing with the referee. Great idea, Einstein. His little outburst costs the hunk team 3 points and the AJís end up winning the game! Woo!
Itís time for Anna to choose 2 guys to have individual dates with. First up is Carson (ummmÖ ok) and then it will be Average Joshís turn. Anna hopes that she will be able to see another side of Carson on their date. You know, something other than the egotistical, pig-headed, over-pumped, prima donna that we all know and loathe.
Anna and Carsonís date takes place at a wine vineyard. Apparently, Carson is something of a wine aficionado, as evidenced by the fact that he swirls his glass and sucks the wine through his front teeth like a pro. Thatís hot. Oh wait, no itís not. Even the wine steward guy is laughing at him. This gives me great pleasure. Both Anna and Carson are skeptical of the others motives at the beginning of the date, but after a few bottles glasses of wine and a few bottles glasses of champagne, they start to loosen up. Carson opens up to her and shares the story of how one of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him with 2 of his best buddies. Itís all very touching. (Iím not laughing, I swear. ) They end their date by telling each other that their first impressions were wrong. Anna is not the stuck up phony that Carson thought she was, and Carson is not the cocky, arrogant jackass that she thought he was. (Still not laughing. No, really.) Oh, and they also end their date with a little suck-face.
Back at the house, the guys are hot-tubbing and discussing Carsonís date. Here is the one time that I will give Carson props. Pay attention, it will never happen again. *grumble* *clears throat* It was a real mature, stand-up thing for him to apologize to Arthur for all the things he said about Anna being fake and not into any of the guys. Arthur was really doubting himself because of Carsonís comments, and it was commendable of Carson to admit he was wrong. There, I said it.
Next up is Annaís date with Josh. The setting: a speed boat. Anna is looking for Josh to step up his game and take control, which he does by taking Annaís hand and placing it on his stick and telling her to go for it. Iím talking about the throttle on the boat, you sickos. Josh tells us that working with cancer patients has helped him to appreciate every moment in life, the little things like the amazing sunset that he and Anna enjoy together. Awwww. We like Josh, heís good people. Anna takes Josh back to her yacht and gives him a tour. Down in her messy bedroom, Josh presents Anna with a letter that Nathan has written for her. Totally sweet of him to take time out of his date to help one of his buddies out. Anna sets the note aside so that she can read it later, in private. Up on deck, Josh pours his heart out to Anna by telling her that he thinks what they have is real and special. Anna rewards his touching speech with, you guessed it, a little suck-face.
After Josh leaves, Anna goes down to her bedroom to read Nathanís letter. He tells her that he wanted to write because he wasnít sure if they would get to spend more time together, and he wanted to let her know that he believes they share the same passion for life and love. He signs it ďA friend, because that is where it all starts.Ē That? is too adorable. It brings a tear to Annaís eye. Awww. We like Nathan too.
Now itís time for Operation: Undercover Anna. With the help of latex, colored contacts, a wig and padding, Anna is disguised so that she can pose as a cocktail waitress in the bar where the ďunsuspectingĒ contestants will be heading for a guyís night out. She will be eavesdropping on their conversations and watching every move, as will the hidden cameras that the bar has been outfitted with.
Everything starts out innocently enough- drinks, laughs, and conversation. Brad is talking about the connection that he has felt with Anna ever since they first locked eyes. But then, the models hired to flirt with the guys arrive. *cue foreboding music* The models try to tempt Rocky and Josh, but they donít want anything to do with them. Arthur very loudly and drunkenly proclaims his love for Anna and states that sheís the only one he wants.
Then the fun begins. Carson, in an effort to thrill the girls *gag*, takes off his shirt and pulls down his pants. Craig (umm, who?) is hardcore flirting with one of the girls, as is Brad. Anna feels betrayed, and here come the water-works. She is especially upset about Brad and the fact that he is making out with and groping the model, right in front of her face. She felt that they really had a connection and thought that he would be one of the final guys. Itís an awful lot of sobbing for someone she never even went on a date with, doncha think? *coughemotionallyunstablecough*
Itís time for the most.dramatic.rose.ceremony.EVER. Oh wait, this isnít The Bachelor. Sorry. Anna comes to the elimination ceremony dressed as the cocktail waitress and prepares to send 6 of the guys home, leaving only the Final Four. She says she is looking forward to sending some of these guys home. Hmm. I wonder who she could be talking about. *yawn* Anna makes her oh-so-dramatic speech about how she saw every move that the guys made at the bar, and then proceeds to tear off her latex face. No one really seems too shocked. The hunks are looking at the ground and shuffling their feet. Anna announces that she has 4 plane tickets to Tahiti, where the guys who make it past the elimination will accompany her. The ones who didnít make it are:
Craig- who says he had nothing to lose and just wanted to have a good time Carson- see ya, dipshit. He is rooting for Arthur to win. Brad- Anna breaks down at this point and tearily tells Brad that she wanted to get to know him more and that she really liked him. He responds ďOkayĒ with this smug little smile on his face. Iíd say sheís not missing out on much. Clay- wishes Anna the best and hopes she lives happily ever after Nathan- tells her to keep in touch, and have fun in Tahiti Gino- is surprised to be going home (huh? really?)
That leaves us with Hunks- Josh and Rocky, and Average Joes- Josh and Arthur (who broke out in hives and needed an antihistamine and topical analgesic. That might be even funnier than people falling down. )
Makeover time!! This weeks subject is Nathan, the lovable shy guy who wants to gain some confidence so that he can approach women. After a Hugo Boss wardrobe, 10 porcelain veneers, a beard trim, and a haircut/color, Nathan has gone from an AJ to a freakiní hottie. Wow. Also notable is the absence of footage with the ďlife coachĒ which leads me to believe that Nathan wasnít a total social reject like the other guys were.
Next week: The 4 made-over Joes make their triumphant return to show Anna what she threw away. Returning to our television screens are:
Nick- Magic! Chicks dig magic!* Joshua- The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Dante- No comment necessary. Itís Dante, fercryinoutloud. Nathan- Awwww. We like Nathan.
Then itís off to Tahiti for romantic island dates. No word on whether any of the returning Joes will be going along.