Well, here we are for another week. Our dear Joes have spent some time with the lovely Anna, who surprised me by knowing some things. Like another language, and how to actually do physical labour, for example. I’m not implying that the previous “stars” of this franchise are airheaded. I’m not. Geez.
We begin with yet another shot of a precision driving team zooming across the desert, interspersed with closer shots of the “hunks”, so as to give the impression that these boys are doing the driving. Carson is a jerk. Jesus is hot, now that he’s been made over. The hunks will be big meanies. The music will be dramatic.
The remaining Joes are: Josh Nathan Jason Dante Arthur Gino Clay
And we’re off.
The Joes enter the house discussing the events of that evening. They admit to being caught off-guard. Arthur says he was watching the fireworks, turned around and saw 6 waiters. *snort* Arthur is a perceptive guy. Cause the hunks are waiters. Mind you, so are some of the Joes, so let’s move on. The Joes decide to elect a leader and Arthur nominates Dante (who happily says ‘I told you so’). Hmm… “The Crazy Guy” might be a good weapon, but I don’t know if you want him in charge.
The Joes try some affirmations. They’re good enough, they’re smart enough, and doggonit, people like them.
And here come the hunks…
Their names are: Greg Carson Michael Craig Brad Rocky Josh
They’re still in their waiter uniforms, and being all of more or less the same height and build, there may be some confusion on my part. As the new guys file in, Dante shuffles forward to greet them and give them big hugs. Apparently, he will drive them nuts by being…nuts. It could backfire hideously, but I’m sure it won’t.
The Joes have already picked their rooms. The hunks don’t care. Actually, it seems to be Michael and Carson who have decided to “play the bad guys”. You know that’s what they’re going to say in the interviews later. That and “It was the editing”. Uh-huh. Anyway, they start throwing the Joes’ stuff out onto the balcony.
So here is the part they’ve been showing in all the precaps…the “hunks” are trashing the Joes’ rooms.
This goes on for some time.
And becomes very uncomfortable to watch.
And goes on.
Actually, props to the Joes for mostly taking it with aplomb. Clay, Jason and Gino: good for you guys. And Nathan tells our jerks-in-residence that they missed a spot.
And now for the Big Dramatic Moment:
Dante’s mad that they did that and mentions “personal property” several times, says he can just pick up Carson’s stuff and do the same thing, and that’s OK, right? Carson goes for the block and the two stare at each other in a tense and dramatic moment. And that’s when Dante kisses him. Right on the lips. Well isn’t Carson mad? It seems that this is worse than being hit. Michael agrees. That’s just not something that you do. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong. A moment while we all digest the significance of these statements. And of course, there’s a juicy bit of irony in there, with two guys bent on humiliating other human beings for sport giving us all a lesson in morality.
Josh tells us all about it in his confessional. He amuses me and may very well become my favourite, for all the good that will do him.
Between the destruction of another person’s property and Carson’s (and Michael’s) great security in his manhood, I gotta ask: What are these guys hunks of?
High School Reunion
Our Joes are in a high school gymnasium. I personally think it’s nice of the producers to stack the deck against the Joes by taking them back to a setting that will unnerve them. They do this every season. Having been a weirdo and a browner in high school (hard to believe, I know), I dislike this part nearly as much as the Joes do.
Anna is all dressed as a hot Catholic school girl. There will be competition! 3 events – the first will be wrestling. That’s just mean. The first match-up is Jason vs Freddy Josh. OK, skinny Jason against muscly Josh. Who’s going to win? C’mon…guess! It’s Jason! The other Joes feel more hopeful now, but they shouldn’t have wasted their energy. They are soundly trounced, despite the obligatory (and very close) Dante - Carson rematch.
In 2nd period, the Joes are asked to scarf down as many burgers as they can. Anna is dressed as a hot cafeteria lady. The Joes make a good show of it, eating 25 burgers in 10 minutes. The hunks, however, let them win that one by not trying at all, preferring instead not to mess up their diet regimens. Good strategy, though. It’s kind of hard to look good in front of a girl while stuffing your face.
OK, so it’s time to re-enact a Ben Stiller movie.
The Average Joe team is wearing a yellow uniform with red text and a swoopy thing under the word “Joe”. It looks oddly familiar. The “hunks” are wearing basic black, but I’m still going to refer to them as the “Purple Cobras”. (Globo Gym: We’re better than you and we know it!) Anna is dressed as a hot referee. Josh tells us that they were trained by the former Joes, so they can’t be beat. Cut to a shot of Josh getting a ball to the face.
Carson shows us more of his charm and wit. He reminds me of Bobby Flay. Only…oh my…I think Flay might actually be less of an arrogant #####.
Our Joes put up a good fight. Clay is the hero of the day, taking out (apparently) 3 Cobras before falling victim to a retaliatory strike. Josh tells us it was all a big blur. Arthur explains that it’s difficult to dodge balls with sloppy joes squishing around in his stomach. Ew.
The Purple Cobras win decisively and Anna picks one of them for a date. It is Rocky. I wonder if he looks good in a bustier and fishnets? Well, he’s not blond, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Anyway, she says she picked him because he seems like a nice guy. Rocky utters some trite clichés.
The Date with Rocky
OK, so they talk and pretend to get to know each other. Rocky, it turns out, is a “dreamer” and a “hopeless romantic”. Have I mentioned that the “hunks” seem scripted to me? Anna claims to be giddy and nervous. This is different from the Anna who went on the dates with the Joes. Even still , she confesses to us that she prefers a guy with plans.
So then they head to the hot tub for champagne, because that hasn’t been done to death. Anna says that when Rocky is looking into her eyes, it’s like he’s looking into her soul. Aww. So Rocky makes his move, holding her chin in his hand while he kisses her. Smooth.
Anna spends a moment with each Purple Cobra while on a group date to the beach. Blah blah and stuff. Anna confesses that just because the “new guys” have great bods, doesn’t make them great individuals. Blah blah and she picks the guy from her hometown for the next date: Josh.
The Date with Josh
Anna and Josh have their date on the yacht. He did ballet and got teased for it. She is impressed that he opened up to her. They kiss. Josh has also gone to the Joey Tribbiani School of Classy Necking, it seems.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carson and Michael are working hard to convince Arthur that Anna is fake and is just in it for her career. This is Ironic Moment #2. Arthur buys it. This is another sequence that goes on for too long. Oddly, it is one of the hunks who tells him to listen to his heart and not to Ace and Gary. The other Joes and a couple hunks talk Arthur down.
Josh tells us that…no wait..let me quote him:
I think the strongest love bond isn’t between anyone in the house and Anna, but it’s between Mike and Carson. You know, I’m happy for Carson and Mike. If things don’t work out with Anna, at least they’ve still got each other.
The editors choose to show us a montage of Carson and Michael hugging each other and slapping each other on the back and such. Yep, Josh is my new favourite.
The boys are all nervous. Anna has tears in her eyes. She gets rid of:
Michael: “Anna does nothing for me. I’m glad to see Carson’s still here, but I’d hate to see him with her in the end ‘cause she may end up tagging along or something with us.” Jason: “I was very surpised. I know I have a lot to offer.” Greg: “When she said my name, I thought I didn’t hear it right. I was pretty confident in the way that I look.” Dante: ”I’m so glad I made it this far. It’s one of my greatest accomplishments.”
To bad Dante didn’t outlast Carson. That stinks.
Dante is selected for the makeover. The life coach is really mean. She makes him feel sad.
The spa people tell us that they have been told he has a “hygiene problem”. Dante is wrapped in tin foil with a squeeze of lime and baked in a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes. However, they forgot to poke him with a fork, so really, he’s not going to come out quite right.
The dentist does a great job. Dante gets a back wax, hair cut and colour, contacts and a new outfit. He hopes that his new look and outlook will make Anna choose him.
Next week: Anna goes in disguise to see if the guys are in it for her, or if they are easily distracted by another pretty face. This is different from previous seasons where the girl is disguised as her fat cousin/mother. Should be interesting.