Welcome to Episode 1 of Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back. It’s the show that asks the questions: ”Can we railroad yet another unsuspecting beautiful woman into dating a bunch of really bizarre guys who are decidedly UN-average” and “Just what exactly are these Joes striking back against and should we notify the authorities?”
We start with a recap of previous Average Joe seasons and a promise of even more twists and turns than before. Maybe they’ll introduce some gorgeous women as an alternative to the Average Joes. Now THAT would be an exciting twist! We also learn that this season our Beauty is Anna, a model and an entrepreneur with a business degree. She’s both sexy and smart! Anna tells us that all she wants is a nice guy, which is good because that’s all she’s gonna get. In voice-over, one of the Joe’s admits there’s something unnatural about having a beautiful lady pick from this bunch of guys and that Charles Darwin is rolling over in his grave. Well said! And of course, there’s the promise of the hunks taking over as the show progresses, but no bevy of beautiful lesbians mentioned. Finally, at least one of the rejected Joes gets an extreme makeover.
The story starts in a high school gymnasium, where the Joes enter one at a time. Clearly the concept is to bring these guys back to a high school mentality where they were all picked on and overlooked because of their size, their looks or their lack of social skills and style. As if to impress upon us just how “average” the producers will sink, the first contestant we meet is Dante Alighire, a 34 year old waiter. Dante, I know you’re reading this, so I’m going to do you two favors. First, I’m going to spell your name right (see previous sentence), and second, I’m NOT going to post your photo!
However, I will have to describe you. Dante looks kinda like a football with feet, but only if you add a curly red clown wig to the top, and some of those Groucho Marx fake nose glasses. He confesses that being different is tough. Well it doesn’t look difficult. In fact, it looks like it comes rather easy to him.
Up second is Chuck. He forces me to do a double take because he looks just like my cousin Bob, who also looks like the wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin - or so they say. The only hair he has is facial hair, and it makes him look like a member of the Aryan Brotherhood, which is always popular with the ladies. He assures us he’s a pussycat – or he kills pussy cats. I can’t remember which.
Third is Art (Arthur). He tells us the ladies are impressed that he was the 1989 New York Karaoke Champion, which tells you all you need to know about why he’s on this show. Also, he looks like Michael Keaton gone bad.
Number 4 is Igor, from Russia. He’s one BIG dude, and that’s all I need to say.
Fifth up is Jason, a 22 year old law student who looks like he’s about 15. He confesses that though he scored a 1550 on his SAT’s his brother scored a perfect 1600, so he’s not even the smartest in his family.
Sixth comes Damian, who tells us he’s a member of Mensa, the high IQ society, which he says girls seem to consider a disease. Somehow none of these geniuses have figured out that if they were truly geniuses, they’d be smart enough not to join the group widely known as the nerdiest and and most self-absorbed group there is. Also, his high IQ and Mensa membership didn’t provide him with enough good sense to also didn’t keep him from wearing a very patriotic red white and blue “do rag”. Hopefully, Anna will never see him in that thing.
Next up is Harold “Solid” Gold. Solid confides that, strangely enough, his friends use a version of his last name instead of his first name. They call him Goldie, Gold, or Golden Boy but never Harold, Hal or Roldie.
Aaron says people think of him as a nerd even though he doesn’t think he’s a nerdy guy, he just likes nerdy things. You’re right I wonder where they came up with that. After all besides liking nerdy things, being a computer buff and looking like a nerd, there’s nothing about you that screams nerd! Then again, maybe it has something to do with the glasses and ultra red lips, lack of a tan, lack of any muscle tone, and the fact you look like you’re about 15! You’d probably really be popular with the ladies at a local junior high school.
Disclaimer – this comment was for snark and entertainment purposes only. I, of course, condemn the notion of a 25 year old man trying to pick up 13 year old girls.
In any event, Aaron tells us that Geek is Chic now.
Bill Parks is a college student with a weird looking narrow sideburn to sideburn beard that makes me think he was discovered in the hills of Kentucky. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that his sister was also his first girlfriend. He is wearing a camouflage t-shirt, and tells us he’s an active member of the Hilary Duff fan club. I guess Hilary’s people are still working on that restraining order. He’s a redhead, but prefers not to date redheads because “two reds don’t make a right”.
Of course, that’s the cue for us to meet Anna who is a stunning redhead, but in a sweet girl kind of way, not the Omigod, she’s a hot redheaded vixen kind of way..