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The Bachelor 4 - Episode 7 Summary

'Amazing Overnight Fantasy Fun' By AMAI
Original Airdate: November 5, 2003

I began recapping this show for Ep 3 and devised the PigBob Home Drinking Game to handle the ordeal of watching the increasingly loathsome Bob Guiney the Pig. Onscreen smooching is the cue for at-home drinking. Even somebody getting a cheek-kiss nets you a one-sip.

Tonight is no exception. In fact, I hope you bought extra. Don’t play this game anywhere but at home. Never mind drinking & driving, cut walking to a minimum. Make up a bed on the couch and find something to use as a chamber pot. Seriously, if you intend to play this game by the rules, prepare to be ‘legless’ before the second date.

The object, as always, is to not care who gets a rose until you awake and go online sometime the next afternoon. If then. As time goes by, Bob gets more loathsome, so I’m cheering for the better contestants to get tossed.

We get the same “innerductions” to the same 25 women, NotWhinyJenny still ready to be Jenny Guiney. Remember the Twins? I just thought I’d mention them cuz I’m getting all psyched for next week’s The Women All Kvell episode, my favorite part of the show. But I leap ahead.

PigBob went to four hometowns to see if he could fit in with families and lives. He could not. Oh, he got on well, naturally enough, with all-female families. But it was pretty sickening to watch. Mary is re-shown getting her claws into Bob at the dinner table, which I see as a bad sign. I take a sip to congratulate myself for my perception of foreshadowing!

Bob was only allowed to dump one family, er woman, last week, so out went Meredith. Goodbye scary brother, doomsday father, and mother with bad teeth and terrible sense of timing. Two men is two too many! Woo! Lucky Meredith got eliminated. Escape from the soft clutches of the Pillsbury Dough Bob. Yay!!

This week Pill D’oh goes on Overnight Fantasy Dates, staying in Overnight Fantasy Suites with his Never-Had-A-One-Night-Stand Fantasy Bachelorettes. Voice-Over Dude, the original Schmo Host, smarms that Kelly Jo gets a trip to Alaska, Estella a trip to Belize and Mary a trip to Jackson Hole. Did Mary get the short straw or what?

Who’ll be blah blah leaving blah broken hearted, tossed by Blahb? Soft squishy Blahb, with his sickening infectious laugh and his comments that like so many empty calories, add nothing to the story. If nothing else, I need Bob Nics. So, expect to see “Blahb” “Pill D’oh” and “Babble” in addition to PigBob. He rarely adds anything new, so the only way to perk up his facetime is with these new nics.

Blahb repeats the destinations and recraps himself with last week’s drivel about the struggle to figure out what he’s doing on this show. Let’s get on with the dates.

Kelly Jo in Alaska
Pill D’oh babbles he and KJ have similar family lives and similar senses of humor. Now all Pill D’oh has to figure out is how compatible they are in their relationship lives. What are “relationship lives?” He babbles because he has nothing to say. Drivel dribbles out of his mouth and into our brains. Quick, where’s my drink? Why are we still watching? Oh right, the Game. Sure-fire way to get blitzed.

KJ’s turn to DR. (“DR” is short for diary room confessional interview – it’s a space saver.) She wants to leave a lasting impression, so she’s not going to hide any emotions, except the whiny, clingy and nervous-wreck emotions. She wants another Rose. If there’s anything Bab’s not up for, it’s emotions and feelin’s. KJ wants him to be her husband. Why? Makes me wonder if there’s a sealed juvenile record somewhere.

In Alaska, Babble and KJ go on a dog-sled ride, with him taking on the appropriate role of dog musher. It’s not much of a togetherness date, but they both find idiotic reasons to giggle, sniggle and snoggle. Oh yeah, I had to coin terms for those horrific ‘laugh’ sounds he makes. The “hee hee hee” is a sniggle, for when he thinks it’s appropriate to show the lady she just said something funny. It lays foundation. The “ha hA HaHA ha hA Ha haha” is the “snoggle,” a cross between a giggle and a snort. It tells the lady she’s uproariously hysterical, having managed to make him laugh. Yeah, him, the “funny guy.” It builds on the foundation of the sniggle and indicates that PigBoy is ready for snogging.

KJ tells us something special is going on between “Bob and I.” Bab sniggles and all of a sudden they’re down on the snow, smooching for a three-sip. Way to upset the sniggle/snoggle hierarchy, Bab. Then all of a sudden there’s a helicopter to take them to the fantasy overnight accommodations, which are ‘fantasy’ as in ‘fabulous’ and not ‘fantasy’ as in ‘non-existent.’

Did you wonder if there’d be a bathing suit opportunity in Alaska? Before you can say “fantasy sniggle snoggle” KJ’s in a white bikini preparing to clamber into yet another hot tub, this time outdoors. Bab ogles, drools, then climbs in with her to prepare for a snog-a-thon. Inane comment. Sniggle. Inane comment. Snoggle. “You’re so awesomely beautiful my heart is so full.” Snog. Camera zooms around to show us different angles. Great. Now we see PigBab has a fat neck as well as a pre-pubescent face. What is wrong with Kelly Jo that she’s willing at 23 to throw her life away on this clown?

To digress a moment – this is totally how Survivor could have a cold climate season – give each tribe its own hot tub and thus a reason for folks to get semi-naked. Indeed!

All of a sudden, they’re done hot tubbing and are dressed and walking to take a tram to the top of a mountain. PigBab is all in black, and looks slim again, ready for more snoggle-worthy adventure.

KellyJo says it’s the Land o’ the Midnight Sun, because it’s still daylight at 11pm. Sure enough, it’s daylight. That’s totally awesome. Unfortunately, being told it’s 11 p.m. is nothing like being there at 11 p.m. It looks like they’re having lunch, and KJ wearing a halter salmon pink dress isn’t cementing the whole 11 p.m./evening meal concept.

Dinner conversation is light. “Don’t freak out. I’m in love with you.” His face deflates like someone took the crescent dinner rolls out of the oven too soon. She tells him he doesn’t have to respond, because she knows she wouldn’t be in love with him if she didn’t feel something back from him. Uh okay. He’s down with that. Less talk, more smooch. It begins. Goes on and on and on. 2 glasses.

Babble DRs that her telling him her feelings caught him off-guard. I don’t know about you but that’s a reach around for the Tums, the Bromo-Seltzer, the Alka-Seltzer and whatever else is in the cabinet. The hell? Off-guard? Do you buy that? How doesn’t he know that KellyJo is in love with him? Whose idea was it to have this thickie on the show? You can drop the weight but you can’t lose the stupidity, obviously.

Bab wants to tell her some things and it’s that he wants to tell her some things but sadly he still has two more “things” with two more um, er, contestants. Sniggle. But first, it’s time for sniggle, The Envelope. Forego the individual rooms. Sniggle. Use the key to stay as a couple. Sniggle. She ponders for 2 milliseconds, “Um let’s seeeeee.” Ponder. “Let’s go.” Snoggle. Ha ha hA HA hA ha ha. Bab is happy. HahA HA Ha hA haha. I’m having an extra sip.

Romantic. Amazing. Connection. Endless smooching. It’s a R.A.C.E. An amazing race around the bedrooms of America and environs. She DRs if Bab asked her to marry him, she’d say yes. The camera makes its way around the room. Whoa, I’m dizzy. The kissing goes on. And on. And on. And another two whole glasses. See what I mean about totally wasted? And it’s only the first date! He tells us Kelly Jo certainly could be the one for him. Yessiree, Bab. They retire to their “sleeping” area. The door closes.

Thinking of Bab getting hot ‘n’ heavy with any of these women is even worse than trying to imagine parents having sex. He’s so unsexy with his fat face and stupid gurgling sniggle/snoggle. Ugh. I hate him. And yet, I’m still recapping. Glutton for punishment.

Cut to previews. Yeah, yeah, Schmo Host blathers his usual crapola about what’s coming up in five minutes’ time, so take a couple sips for the smooching, if you can still find your mouth. We’re also force-fed what’s coming up in half-an-hour’s time with the three women at the Rose Ceremony. KJ’s in white, the other two in black. Wow. I mean, awesome. We can see who’s the youthful princess and who’re the old witches, just by the outfits.

I think the producers are making concessions to those of us playing the Drinking Game, cuz they know we’ll be passed out and will miss seeing them anxiously awaiting their roses in their outfits. Hey, why don’t the producers show one gal holding a rose? “Who will get the other rose? Stay awake for the amazing upcoming One Rose Ceremony.”

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