Ah yes, my friends, it is that time of year again. The time of romance, of roses and shocking rose ceremonies, of desperate media whores willing to dispense with their dignity for a few minutes of precious TV airtime. I speak, of course, of the new season of The Bachelor, the grandfather of reality dating shows, the one that has mastered the art of magically creating a two hour show out of fifteen minutes of actual content.
This time around, twenty-five lucky stalkers - I’m sorry, ladies - will be clawing at each other for the chance to marry Bob, who was last seen getting the ultimate backhanded compliment from Princess Trista, when she kicked him to the curb and told him, if only she had another rose, he would be her fifth-place guy. It was a truly touching moment, one that certainly brought a tear to my eye. Granted, that might have been due to the fork I was jamming in it at the time, but really, why quibble over details.
However, while Bob failed to warm Trista’s icy heart, he found a place in America’s. He was fat! He was funny! How could anyone not love him? Wait, don't answer that.
The new season of The Bachelor promises brand new twists. Personally, I’m hoping for one like Survivor 7, where the ladies are dumped into the mansion with only the clothes on their backs, so by the end they’re in nothing but dirty rags. Or maybe a tribal swap, where they exchange half the ladies for a bunch of random ugly chicks they find out on the street. Or even better, a bunch of men.
They are also promising that this season will be…
…wait for it…
…wait for it…
…The Most Shocking Season Ever!
HahahaHA!!! I knew they wouldn’t let me down. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no Most Shocking Rose Ceremony Ever, but I won’t begrudge them a little variety now and then.
Beloved host Chris Harrison is back. He tells us that we asked for Bob (we did?) and we got him. After Trista dumped Bob, thousands of women wrote in for the chance to meet Bob, and now the tables are turned, and the roses are in his hands. Wait, what? Didn’t we already turn the tables once, when Trista became The Bachelorette? So is he saying they’re just turned back the way the were originally? And where are these proverbial tables anyway? Maybe when they’re done turning them around and around, they could give one to me. I could really use a new kitchen table.
Chris also claims that, for the first time ever, the bachelorettes already know who the Bachelor is. Liar! I mean, okay, technically that’s true, but come on. All the guys knew Trista before The Bachelorette. Is Chris really trying to make us believe that The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are not the same show, just because the gender of the of the central player is different? Whatever.
Chris takes us back through a bunch of clips from The Bachelorette. There’s Bob, making fat joke after fat joke. There’s Bob, doing that embarrassing dance routine that I think we’re supposed to find endearing. He’s fat! He’s funny! Oh my god, I think we get it already.
There’s Bob on Oprah. There’s Bob with Jamie (now there’s a guy who’s truly swoon-worthy) on some talk show hosted by a fat blonde chick I’ve never seen before. There’s Bob getting accosted by stalkers because he’s apparently as famous as a rock star. Okay, um, if they say so.
Co-Executive Producer Lisa Levinson: Bob is almost the anti-Bachelor. He doesn’t have the smoothness of Alex…
Or the gayness.
Amanda: He’s not gay.
Alex: I’m not gay.
Lisa Levinson:…or the great looks of Aaron…
Hahahaha*oh*haha*snort*sigh… Good one, Lisa Levinson! She’s kidding, right?
Lisa Levinson:…or the money of Andrew.
Alright, that’s true.
Lisa Levinson: Basically he’s just a big loser. Apparently America just loves that in a man.
Executive Producer/Creator Mike Fleiss: Bob’s not the kind of guy we usually look for in a Bachelor. I mean come on, look at him. But we had to make him the Bachelor. The viewers demanded it.
Wow, having never seen what Mike Fleiss looks like before, it’s not surprising that he does his best work from behind the camera.