Brak brak brak Bob brak brak brak women brak brak brak rose for you, not for you brak brak brak.
Quick preview of tonight show’s Bob’s friends, tears, melodrama, more tears, and the following comments that arouse any dirty mind:
I quickly realize that if I were playing a drinking game that required taking a shot after every double entendre, I’d be drunk before the opening credits.
But in the end – 6 women, 4 roses, 2 broken hearts, and 1 gagging summary writer.
Let’s meet the bitches…I mean, desperate Bridezilla wanna-bes…I mean, the future Mrs. Bob, four of her bridesmaids, and the uninvited guest crashing the wedding screaming, “It should have been meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!”
Lee-Ann Estella Meredith Brooke Kelly Jo Mary
A Little Help From My Friends
Now we’re introduced to Bob’s friends: business partner Greg, Greg’s wife Katina, and Jaime from “The Bachelorette”. Obviously, most of Bob’s older friends did not wish to meet the stalking psycho hose beasts competing for Bob’s affection.
Cardboard Host explains that, based on their performances in the Interview Competition, 3 of the girls will win 1-on-1’s (that’s dates, you dirty minded readers). For the math challenged, that means that 3 girls will share a group date.
As Lee-Ann heads out for the interview, Katina explains that, as a friend who saw Bob go through his divorce, she thinks he needs a strong woman in his life.
INSTAPOLL: Why does the next Mrs. Bob need to be a strong woman? a. Because Bob has no backbone. b. Because the first Mrs. Bob may need to have a stake driven through her heart. c. Because his wife will be expected to operate a forklift and do heavy lifting.
Let’s take a look at some of the interview questions: - How do you feel about the fact that Bob was married before? - Who should wear the pants in the family? - When is it OK to have sex – after marriage, the third date, or when it feels right? - How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if Lee-Ann threatened to marry it? - Are you a kitten or a tiger in the bedroom? - Have you ever had a one-night stand?
The highlights (or lowlights, take your pick) of the answers included: - Estella saying she’d have sex on the first date. (Oops, did you ask third date? No, they didn’t buy the “cover”, dear.) - Brooke saying she’d never had sex, because she’s waiting for the right person. She also thinks the man should wear the pants in the family. And should she win the title of Mrs. Bob, she’ll promote world peace as her platform during her reign. - Jaime and Greg offered to prove whether the girls told the truth on the kitten/tiger answers. - Mary confessed she’s falling in love with Bob.
About the one-night stand question…this was the Stupidity Question on the test. Would any of the girls be stupid enough to admit to a one-night stand so that they could eliminated quickly? Unfortunately, the girls showed enough sense to answer “no”. Frankly, I would have loved to see the interviewers’ reaction if one of the girls had said, “Hell, yeah! Anyone interested in one right now?”
As soon as the interview is over, Lee-Ann wants to know if she got 10’s. They said sure. What they didn’t say was that it was on a 100-point scale.
1st Solo Date – There’s Something About Mary
Greg explains that they picked Mary for a solo date because she expressed such strong feelings, and they need to see where that could go. Better to send them on a supervised date with cameras to record evidence than to have a future bunny-boiling moment.
Bob picks up Mary, and they jet off to a private party at an amusement park. “Let’s be 12,” she giggles. Then they play-argue about who’s 12, 13, 14, brak brak. We then see why age is a big deal – because Mary’s older, but doesn’t think age is a big deal. Uh huh, yeah. No, we’re not threatened to be the only remaining contestant over 30, are we?
Lee-Ann’s Contractually Obligated Meltdown
Miss Least Congeniality is sitting outside, feeling sorry for herself because it’s been at least an hour since she’s been the Center of Attention.
Oh my, she’s from North Carolina. I hope America doesn’t think all of our single women are total wackos. So what that we sent two contestants to the Miss America pageant because they both insisted the tiara was theirs. And then there’s the pageant contestant who lost her crown by beating up a pregnant girl. Single female Tarheels don’t handle competition well.
Back to our diva. She is not comfortable in the house because nobody likes her. She’s miserable. Waah waah wahh. Yawn.
Little Miss Hissy Fit goes into the house, where the other girls are having fun because, well, because she wasn’t there. She breaks it up to hold court in the other room. There, she sobs how she’s sorry she pulled away from the other girls and how she feels so alone. “I hate being the one who doesn’t fit in,” she sobs, “because I don’t have any friends and wanted to make y’all wear the obnoxious pink taffeta bridesmaid dresses when I marry Bob.” Then she asks what to do to stay the Center of Attention but not get her eyes gouged out.
Kelly Jo tells her to be herself. In a confessional, she calls Lee-Ann “Sybil”. Oh, Sybil would be so much more fun.
Roller Coaster…Of Love
Bob and Mary arrive at the amusement park. They ride the riders, play the games, and cover each other in cotton candy. Mary loved the flying bungee ride since “when we were kissing, it felt like we were floating”. Note to Webby: Please supply barf bags to future “Bachelor” summary writers. Then they enjoy a candlelight dinner of corn dogs and snow cones. Bob jokes that they have no chemistry as they discuss living arrangements, and Mary uses the ‘L’ word. No, not Lee-Ann, the other one.