Welcome to The Real Gilligan's Island -- the show about two teams stranded on an island who compete against each other to eliminate each other until they combine into one team and then eliminate each other until there is just one person remaining. But it's nothing like Survivor. No really. For its two-hour debut, we get two episodes one right after another.
I promised myself one thing. I would not type the words "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale" in my summary. Aww Crud! I just did. Well lets get to meet our team(s).
First we meet the well named Scott our host. he has short brown wavy hair that doesn't move in the wind and a tropical, khaki kind of outfit ( we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't).
He introduces us to:
The Gilligans: Gooner - who is the most correctly named reality show contestant of all time- and Chris
The Skippers too: Jim - who looks like Santa - and Bob
The Millionaires and Their Wives: The Bevans - Don't worry we will hear more from Mrs. Bevans or as I like to call her Mrs. Bowel as the summary goes along- and the Stearns
The Movie Stars: Nicole Eggert - Star of "The Demolitionist"- and Rachel Hunter - Star of "A Little Harmless Sex"
The Professors: Eric who is going to present a positive image for gays on TV - and Pat
And The Mary Anns: Amanda and Kate
But before we find out more about our castaways choosen, lets see who didn't make the cut:
There was kick a$$ karate Maryann, Gay Gilligan, Punk Gilligan and apparently Dat Phan Gilligan ( I swear it was him, except he didn't do impersination of his mom's voice), there pirate skipper, black professor, naked guitar playing professor, and of course the millionaires who wanted to win money to by their kick dog, some bling bling.
We also get our first taste of Mrs. Bowel who says "we're just not losers" (ironic quote #1).
So the teams are divided up and each one is given a colored cloth to wear so they will know what team they are on. (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't)
Team Green will be:
• Jim • Gooner • Nicole • The Bowels • Amanda • Eric
Team Gold will be:
• Bob • Chris • Rachel • The Stearns • Kate • Pat
When Team Gold arrives they find out there will be a twist. (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't)
They then realize there are two sets of castaways competing to see who will be the cast to compete to win.
The two teams then check out their huts, (see we gave them shelter, we are nothing like Survivor). They realize everyone will be sharing their huts with their counterparts. Mrs Bowel says about the other millionaires "millionaires aren't always the easiest to get along with" (ironic quote #2). This is also the first time we get the patented Mrs. Bowel 'hit by a frying pan horse face'
Then everyone goes and gets food. Professor Green gives us this little tidbit. "If something gives you cramps and gives you pain, don't eat it again." And he is the "smartest" one on the island.
Mrs. Bowel thinks professor green "wants lots of attention" (ironic quote #3) and "he came across as very loud" (ironic quote #4).
Later that evening everyone sits around and introduces themselves. We officialy find out that Professor Green is gay and has a partner. Mrs. Bowel has a confessional, (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't), where she tells us that she doesn't appreciate that lifestyle. we also find out that Millionaire Gold flunked 4th grade and had a daughter when he was 14. Mrs. Millionaire Green says she loves being a step mom and makes his daughter call her "Mommie Dearest". Once again Mrs. Bowel isn't too happy about that. She informs us that her children are 'ours' and our family is 'real' and she is just simple little Donna. Everyone starts to realize Mrs. Bowel is not all together sane.
Come to find out, the conditions that they are living in are not the best in the world, but Millionaire Gold is willing to try and use his resources to make things easier for him and his wife. He offers Maryann Kate $20.00 a day to give him massages and offers Gilligan Gooner $20.00 for his pillow. When Gooner refuses, Mrs Bowel calls Millionaire Gold a "crybaby" (ironic quote #5).
She then says that Millionaire Gold "has no class at all" (ironic quote #6).
As everyone settles in for the night, we see Gilligan Gooner (I swear this is his name and not one I made up) tries to get into his hammock. An epileptic on rollerskates in an earthquake would have had an easier time and been more graceful than Gooner getting into the hammock.
The next morning we find out that to operate the shower someone needs to ride the bamboo bike, No that isn't a euphanism. But for some weird reason Gooner volunteers to ride the bike while Rachel is showering. Hell Yeah.
Then the castaways get a message about their first challenge. (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't). This time though it comes from the radio.
They are told to go to the beach for their challenge, sort of a Challenge Beach. (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't)
Scott then tells them the challenge. They will have to swim out to their rafts with fire on it, bring it back to shore, put the raft on their team colored mat, then take a torch with fire and light the campfire (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't).
All is going well for Team Gold, they have a lead when all of a sudden. MAN DOWN MAN DOWN!! Apparently Skipper Bob had a mild heart attack during the challenge. Team Green takes the opportunity to pass team Gold and go on to win.
We then have a helicopter fly to the island and take the contestant that had a major medical emergency to the nearest hospital. (we aren't copying Survivor, really we aren't)
Back at camp, Team Green is enjoying their rewards of mattreses and comforts from home. (we aren't copying Big Brother this time, really we aren't)
Mrs. Bowel feels that "we deserve this" (ironic quote #7) and that they did a good job today. (Not ironic just stupid this time). Gee I wonder who is going to be the first to complain that they were edited totally different than what they really are?
Mrs. Bowel, in an attempt to make the other team feel good. says that we all "almost" collapsed today. Professor Pat kindly told her that "almost" collapsing and having a heart attack are two different things. Mrs. Bowel thinks team Gold are "showing bad sportsmanship" (ironic quote #8), by blaming their loss on Bob's heart attack.
She then tells Nicole "you hope one of your competitors goes down." Once again, Mrs. Bowel needs to work for Hallmark