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The Real Gilligan's Island 1 - Episode 5 Summary

'Something Fishy This Way Comes' By dabo
Original Airdate: December 14, 2004

Last episode, having been warned by Radio that a hurricane was about to hit the island, the remaining castaways (Gilligan Chris, Skipper Jim, Thurston Glenn, Lovey Mindy, Ginger Rachel, Professor Pat and Mary Ann Kate) headed to the high ground for refuge. Never mind that the island shown in the clip is flat as a pancake, that the lightning bolts are the same lightning bolts we've all seen for 40+ years, they headed for the high ground! For safety!

Next morning, or a couple of days later, depending on whether you believe the show or the spoilers, they emerged from their safe cave to see what they had to deal with. They emerged looking well rested and nicely coiffed, pressed outfits... oh, nevermind.

Back at the huts Ginger Rachel noted that the huts were still in good shape, giving her movie star nod to the set decorators. There was a lot of clean-up to do, however, so they all got busy about that. Except Thurston Glenn who got fagged out real quick and took to a hammock. Lovey Mindy Trophy Wife couldn't get enough of clean-up detail, though, so don't count out the Millionaires just yet. She wasn't a dental hygienest for nothing, you know.

After the clean-up Professor Pat, Ginger Rachel and Skipper Jim talked about how the game was going to change soon. Hey, it was in the script, don't blame me!

Enter GenericHostGuy explaining how the game is now going to change. Oh, duh! From now on it is individual challenges for rewards and safeties, there will be Voodoo Village vote-offs, whoever has the Life Preserver can't be voted off, in the end one of them will win a new car and a quarter of a million dollars. Wow! How original!

Mary Ann Kate, who has never had more than $6.00 to her name, says "Wow!" Chris cannot even imagine a quarter of a million dollars, I mean how Gilligan is that! And Rachel vows there will be no stopping her now. Yeah, right.

Later on the Professor and Ginger discussed having an alliance. Pat explained that he hadn't even thought of such a thing, vowed he would retain his integrity no matter what, and such like that.

DUDE! You don't want an alliance with Ginger Rachel?! Look at her! I mean, gee whiz, open your eyes, who wouldn't want an alliance with that! I would, if only to prevent anyone else from getting any. Pat, wake up!

It's no use, Pat evokes the I-word, he is going to maintain his integrity no matter what. Dang-it, I thought he was smart.

Meanwhile, Thurston has come up with a plan, he's going to have an alliance with Lovey. Yeah, it is risky, they are married, everyone will suspect it, but if they can con Gilligan and Mary Ann into going along with it who cares!

Because, you know, being worth a half a billion isn't enough, he has to win a quarter of a mil and a new toy, that will put him over the top.

Radio then called them all to gather on the beach to search for the Jewel of the Island. Mindy was there with bells on!

At the beach GenericHostGuy welcomed them all while they tried to stiffle their gag reflexes. He explained the challenge, in the tidal pool there were 1,000 dead fish, in one of them was a ring lost by one of the millionaires worth a whole pepperoni pizza dinner. So, of course, they all dove into the smelly dead fishies to be the one to find the ring. Hey, it was in the script, don't blame me!

Ginger got sick of the fish gas pretty quick, and Gilligan said the challenge was nasty, but they all plugged on. Then Lovey Mindy Dearest hurt her Pinky and went Owie Owie Owie, Oh Mother! They all complained about the stench as they opened their gutted fish to search for the lost ring. Lovey eventually commented that to get a diamond all she usually had to do was swallow.

Well, that stopped every guy on the island, and every guy watching on TV, right in his tracks. Good strategy, that. Mindy found herself the object of more guy fantasies than Rachel could ever dare dream. I am loving me some Mindy from now on! She IS Lovey!

Meanwhile, 6 PTC tapewatchers tried to detrmine if 700 nonwatchers should complain to the FCC about the smelly fish. Filthy, disgusting, suggestive fillet malfunctions, something must be done!

Then, all the guys still stopped in their tracks by Lovey, Mary Ann Kate found the ring and let out a howl of celebration. Well, I'm calling it a howl, she was happy to be getting some pepperoni, I don't know what else to call it. Honestly.

GenericHostGuy told her to pick someone to share the pepperoni with, so in the end she picked Gilligan. I could have predicted that. The GenericHostGuy told them the next competition would be for the Life Preserver!

Oh, boy!

Afterwards, Lovey complained they all smelled of fish, but Thurston assured her that was normal. Or something.

Rachel, in a rare moment of accented lucidityy, then said they needed to break up the millionaires. Never mind that she is a millionaire herself, she meant the Howells. So she went to Gilligan to talk strategy, having given up on the Professor I guess. Gilligan was too involved with enjoying the view of her cleavage, as was I actually, and then Thurston realized he needed to break up the conversation strategy session.

Later, swinging in the hammocks, Thurston called Gilligan "dear bouy" or something... no, sorry I may have imagined that.

Gilligan swore he would never go back on his word, then went on his pepperoni date with Mary Ann, which she ended up calling a mouth orgasm, I swear!

Sorry, I got lost in that concept for awhile, can you blame me!

Later, Gilligan and Mary Ann shared ahmmock time while the Skipper pretended to snore while swinging in his hammock. Don't worry, it was in the script.

The next day, Rachel had a crackers grudge. This has been going on for episodes now, I still don't get it, but it has something to do with strategy. And missing crackers. And not getting any Gilligan in the hammock maybe. I really don't get it.

Then Radio called them to the beach for their first Safety Competition. GenericHostGuy explained the challenge: You chop coconuts! Oh, my, how original! Fortunately, there is no competative component to this challenge, they just randomly determine their order and chop coconuts until someone wins. Nothing competative about this whatsoever, except that the Life Preserver is up for grabs.

Glenn chopped Rachel to send her a message, meassage being that he knows what she's up to and how dare she be dangerous to the Howell game plan! He is going to win the quarter mil and the new toy so there!

Mindy chopped Rachel, because she can't swallow on this one.

Pat then chopped Pat to confuse everyone, which Rachel called the lamest thing ever. Man, am I glad I am not Pat right now.

And so it went. Gilligan followed Professor's lead and chopped his own coconut, but then regretted it. Well, duh, I would too. Rachel went out first, then the Professor, then the Skipper, revealing the actual dominant alliance despite so many following Pat's confusing example of chopping their own coconuts. In the end Mindy decided to chop Gilligan's last cocnut and give herself the "Safety" Life Preserver, which was about the smartest thing I've seen yet in this series.

Then there was a lot of gobbledy-gobbledy hut meeting about the game, Ginger cleavage shots for PTC observers to examine frame by frame, and then they went to Voodoo Village for their first vote-off. I'd go into detail about what they said there, except GenericHostGuy didn't have them say anything, just told them to go vote. Honestly, I was disappointed.

And then he counted the votes: Thurston, Professor, Thurston, Thurston, Professor, Professor ... Professor.

So, Professor Pat threw his voodoo doll into the fire, because fire is death on this show I guess, and walked off.

With his integrity.

Leaving me to speculate that the smartest remaining castaway is now.... Radio!

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