Is anyone reading? Thank you. Certainly no one is watching. MBFOB drew only 143 viewers last week, which, by my calculation includes the cast, their families, Estee, CQ, Seahorse, PRE and myself. We all hated it worse than French diplomacy. Most of the cast has just entered the Witless Protection Program.
But if you’re one of those slowing down to stare at the fatal wreckage, here is what happened...
Last week 12 inbred morons were delivered by armored car to Chicago, where they met their new billionaire mentor, N. Appalling Toad. He’s not really a billionaire, but an “actor” with absolutely no credits in any professional venue.
According to Internet search engines, this guy doesn’t exist, and has never acted in his life beyond one failed gig as Sky Masterson at the Sheboygan Dinner Theater and Car Parts Castle. It's easier to find info on the Gotti Family. This guy simply appeared on the planet last week.
Our mow-rons fawned over this pseudo-actor with the pseudo-money despite his arrogant disdain for their pitiful lives. He sent the losers onto the street to hustle for money, which, to no one’s surprise, seemed the perfect challenge for the scantily clad strippers and whores of Femron. The losing men of ConCave spent a scary night in a heavily guarded vacant lot lit by 12,000,000-watt lights. Then they met with N. Appalling Toad in the conference room, where he berated them with stream-of-consciousness vitriol. Oh the horror. He called ShortGuy … short. Eventually he sent home Asian Guy, the only person on the broadcast who did not purchase a wardrobe at Target. It was the right move, for that fine tailored suit indicated he was far too intelligent to be kept around for Episode 2.
The credits reveal that some of these contestants have names, but none of them have identities beyond the basic physical attributes. Estee gave us brief bios last week, and I was dismayed to see one quarter of the world’s stupidest people are from NooJoisey. I’m not really going to bother learning who they are, because I’ll probably see them at Dunkin Donuts and kill them. Plus I’m still trying to scrub the cast of Forever Eden from my mind.
Suffice it to say I will identify those people who need a little personalization. Like Juggs McBarbie, the vacuous blond who arrived for the first meeting is a tight T-shirt and that ubiquitous white ruffle miniskirt favored by eighth-graders. Do we need to know her name is Christy? Not really. And, well, it’s not. It’s Whitney. I went back and looked. Christy is the other vacuous blonde bimbette with enormously disproportionate bazooms. But see? Christy… Whitney… Britney… Jessica… Ashlee… Nicole. Who cares what their mother calls them, when we can just call them Juggs and Chesty.
There’s also TruckerGal, Redhead, PaleHag and Anonymous Blonde #3. The guys? There’s BlackGuy, ShortGuy, BurlyGuy, CurlyBlond, BigNose and the recently ejected AsianGuy, whose name was probably Daniel. See? We can scrape below the surface if the summary requires.
Anyway, on to Episode 2, also known as The Final Episode.
Ten people wait in the penthouse to see who survives the conference room. They are all in shorts and T-shirts and are lounging around in various post-coital positions. ShortGuy takes the elevator all the way to that glorious sixth floor, swaggering with the martinet arrogance only short people can master. His teammates lift him onto the coffee table so they can all shake his hand. ShortGuy tells tales of the conference room, and the other bozos are aghast. BurlyGuy says something in confessional, but I didn’t pay attention. I was distracted by his identifying description. They called this guy “Liquor Distribution Executive.” In most frats, his title would be Keg-meister.
PaleHag has a confessional, and she is wearing a most hideous powder blue porkpie hat, which she got free with a bowl of soup. It looks good on her, though. What did she say? Heck, why do you care?
It’s Day 4 of this tragedy. Two team bosses, TruckerGal and ShortGuy get personally delivered invitations to an Executive Privilege reward, which will be a tour of N. Appalling Toad’s Astor Street townhouse. ShortGuy was located in the kitchen in his boxers. TruckerGal was in bib overalls and a white T-Shirt, sunning herself on the balcony alongside Anonymous Blonde #8, who was wearing a rainbow sequined bikini. TruckerGal choses to bring two teammates with her… the two blondes sunning themselves in bikinis. ShortGuy brings along BlackGuy and BigNose.
They arrive at the townhouse, and Toad actor William August tells us that the townhouse is rented, and the actors first saw it that morning. Speaking of actors, we are introduced to two more. There is a gold-digging wife, Lynn, played by a soap opera reject, and a spoiled brat daughter, played by actress Danielle Schneier, whose acting skills require her character be named Danielle. This is to avoid confusion when people speak to her. The two look approximately the same age. Actress Tamara Clatterbuck tells us that Lynn Toad is the traditional billionaire’s trophy wife, but she’s flattering herself. A trophy wife would have twice the cleavage and only 10% of Tamara’s wrinkles. In fact, she would look a whole lot more like Chesty or Juggs.
The townhouse is opulent, decorated with objects d’art, intricate moldings and gold leaf. It is intended as parody of some other billionaire’s mansion, but fails miserably. Donnie Rump’s garish Whorehouse of the Gods is immune to parody.