Have you ever seen the musical Oliver, based on the Dickens classic Oliver Twist? Remember poor waif-like Oliver, holding out his dish, asking for more gruel? It was horrible tasting slop, but that didn’t stop him from asking for more. And, like Oliver, I find myself looking for Mohr.
Last time on Last Comic Standing:
20 comics were stranded on a deserted island with nothing but a machete and a map. The survivors, I mean comics, quickly formed tribes, searched for food and found none. So Ant, who had already formed an alliance while they auditioned for the show, grabbed the machete and sacrificed Tess so that the rest would have sustenance and the strength to go on. No, wait, that’s not right.
20 comics were brought to a large apartment to live together. In the morning they received a piece of Tyra mail telling them to report for a photo shoot. The makeup people did everyone’s makeup then Jay told them to remove all their clothes and pose with each other. Eeewww, wait, that’s not right either.
20 comics were brought to a beautiful penthouse suite to live together. In the morning Donald Trump’s secretary called the penthouse and Sean Kent, kind of sleepy and in his underwear, answered the phone. He was told that everyone had 1 hour to get up, shower, eat breakfast, and get all the way across town for their assignment. The women all dressed up in their skimpiest outfits and the men dressed up in professional business suits. Their task was to sell Pokemon cards and the women won because they had sex with every little boy who bought cards from their team. Damn, that’s not right either. Where’s my Last Comic Standing tape from last night?
I have a confession to make before I get into this summary: I did not see the first season of Last Comic Standing. Which means that I am still in possession of my mental facilities (such that they are). I suspect that watching LCS1 was a real brain-drain. But after watching 3 episodes of LCS3, I can see that I really didn’t miss anything. I do wonder, though, how Dat Phan won LCS1. Did he perform some kind of Vulcan mind-meld on the viewing audience so that he would win? Did millions of women look at him and say, “He’s kind of hot in a short Mexicanese sort of a way. I think I’ll vote for him.”? Is this show rigged? No, couldn’t be. Reality TV shows are not rigged. That would be wrong. It would be unconscionable. Networks would never stoop that low, would they?
Estee hit the nail on the head last week when he said that, without the conflicts in the house, LCS sucks. I miss Todd singing “The Attention Song”. It’s funny, though, that seeing him sing that song is much more amusing to me than when my 10 Girl Scouts sing “I Know A Song That Gets on Everybody’s Nerves” about 100 times in my car when we’re driving somewhere. Usually a couple of rounds of that song will cause me to curse violently, making it necessary for me to write apology letters to the Girl Scout Council and all the girls’ parents promising that I will behave in a more appropriate manner. I can see how the other comics in the house found it annoying last season.
And it must have been a man who decided on this new format for LCS3. Only a man could think that 2 minutes is enough to satisfy the audience. 2 minutes isn’t even enough for foreplay. If my husband told me he was done after 2 minutes and expected applause, the fire department would have to use the jaws of life to remove my fingers from his neck after I got done strangling him.
The audience starts cheering like crazy and no one has started telling any jokes yet. Why are they applauding? Maybe they’re applauding because they’re polite people and were raised by parents who said, “Whenever you go to a show you should applaud for the performer when they get on stage.” Maybe they’re applauding in anticipation of a really funny set. Maybe they’re applauding because NBC has rigged their seats with electrodes that shock them if they don’t applaud like crazy. Whatever.
I want a job like that. I would be so much better at my job if everyone started cheering me as soon as I walked through the door. I wonder if they’ll be cheering after everyone's done. I know I’ll be cheering when the show is finished.
Oh, they're applauding because the show is about to start. A dramatic voice announces that $50,000 is about to be awarded to one of the houses. The comedians (and I use that word loosely) are grouped together on-stage, applauding for themselves (because no one else will).
Jay Mohr comes out on stage. With the strobe lights and jungle music. I feel like I’m at a Male Dance Review. Maybe Jay should be wearing a tear-away loin cloth. Eeww, maybe not.
Just when I thought he couldn’t make a bad haircut any worse – he did. He’s added a new dimension to the word “ugly” with those funky bangs tonight. He took a bad haircut and made it even worse. I didn’t think that was possible.
I finally figured out who he reminds me of with that new haircut of his – Calvin from the cartoon strip, Calvin & Hobbes. What do you think – can you see the resemblance? Calvin, however, was much funnier than Jay Mohr so that’s where the similarity ends. Maybe Jay can transmogrify himself into someone who’s actually funny. Maybe he needs a talking tiger as a sidekick.
Jay introduces the two seasons – Kathleen and Ant are in front. They look like a couple of hugging trolls. Jay gets right down to business. He announces that the team with the most votes is Season 2 again. (It didn't take Scooby Doo to figure out that one.) Season 1 looks like the losers that they are. Todd picks up Kathleen and has standing sex with her right on stage.
Jay announces the comics who had the lowest votes. Season 2 is Kathleen Madigan and Corey Holcolm. I hear someone go "Huh?" (Maybe that was my daughter – let me rewind the tape.) Season 2 is Sean Kent and Terry Joyce. And Jay Mohr, who apparently went to the Ryan Seacrest School of Broadcasting, says that he will reveal the results at the end of the show. Wow, that was a surprise! I didn’t see that coming at all! Oh.my.god! How will I ever make it to the end of the show? The suspense will kill me! Honey, get me my heart medicine!
Ant hugs Kathleen. Looks like he’s copping a feel but we know better. He’s probably trying to figure out how to make his ##### that yummy.